This is a girl who has been through a hard time. When she gets home, all you can do is offer to listen and be there. You might want to line up a counsleor for when she gets bakc.

I take it she is not the same BM as wiht the yonger kids. this one sounds even worse. poor girl. is this BM on drugs or drinking or psycho? how bizzare... hasn't seen her for 12 years?...well there are plenty of fathers who NEVER saw their kids, but somehow it sounded more bizzare from a woman. i agree wiht kkny that SD might need to talk to a professional when she gets back. it must be so very hard on her...

I feel so bad for your sd. Hopefully bm has a good life now and can develop a good relationship with sd and this is not just going to be a disappointing phone call. Though if she does have a good life with more kids that may hurt sd more than if she is a screw up!

I am so sorry for your sd.

All you guys can do is be there for her to talk to and cry to. Wish you the best of luck!

My son met his dad for the first time when he was 18. He's 19 now and still getting to know him through phone calls. I guess it might be a bit easier than if he had, at one time, had any sort of relationship with him. After all, he is a virtual stranger and they are starting from square one. However, there is still the fact that his dad stayed gone for 18 years and denied being his dad, so they have to work out that for themselves. I'm here for my son when he wants to talk and he's had me call his dad to say things he isn't comfortable telling him. (like just before Christmas, his dad wanted to come meet him for lunch but my son's car had broken down and he had no way to drive 30 miles to the meeting place. He wanted me to call his dad to ask him to come all the way to our town to meet him. He was not sure if his dad would say no... and he did try to cancel the lunch altogether until I told him how much my son was looking forward to seeing him) But, I try to stay out of it and just be here for my son and take my cues from him.

My daughter also met her dad after several years, she was 12 the first time they met. They talked a few times and he disappeared again until she was 17. He's tried for the last year to call her and open up a relationship but she is resistant. She decided that since he lied to her so many times since she was 12, she can't trust him and wants nothing to do with him. She even had her name legally changed when she turned 18 to get rid of his last name. Well, yesterday my phone rang. I didn't get to it in time and then her phone rang. It was him and she got really upset when she answered and heard his voice. She doesn't want to talk to him and I can understand her fear of being hurt again. I talked to her about expectations and disappointment and it kinda helped. She needs to sort out her feelings and again, I am here for her when she asks me and when I can tell she needs me. It's a touchy issue and when they are adult age, it's not the same as when they are 5 or 6 and you can encourage them to talk. When they have gotten old enough to figure out their parent made choices to leave or stay gone, that's for the other parent to work out with them. Sadly, my son's dad has tried to throw the blame at me, saying I lied to him and didn't let him see him, etc. My son is 19 and was 18 when his dad said in open court, with my son there, that he is not his father and should not have to take a DNA test since he is already 18. The court ordered the test and we got the results back in September... went to court in November but the ruling was taken under submission and we didn't get the final ruling until January of the next year. Two days after we got the ruling, his dad finally called to speak to him for the first time. The fact that he had the DNA results 4 months before calling him, did not escape my son. A small child may not put it together but at 18, it isn't hard to figure out. He only shoots himself in the foot when he tries to shift blame to me instead of apologizing for his behavior.

I really feel for you SD but you have to let them work it out and just be a shoulder to cry on and/or an ear to listen. It's hard.

Ima and Pseudo?
Have your kids(Ima) and SD(Psuedo) gone to any counseling about this?

Ima's kids are hurt, tired of seeing their expectations dashed and trying to figure out how they feel.
Pseudo's SD is hurt, confused and trying to figure out how she feels.
Sounds like a good thing to talk to a counselor about, IMO.

My daughter talked to a counselor last year. She says it helped and she talks to me sometimes. She seems to think about it more than my son.. at least she shows it more (maybe because she's a girl and as a boy, he doesn't want to share his feelings?) Each is a different situation with different kids so even in my situation, I can't even use just one approach with both. The common factor is that I am making myself available for them.

She went to counseling for a long time to deal with the abandonment. And had comes to terms with her mom made a good choice if she had stayed with her mom who knows where she would have ended up.

So she accepted it now since its only been 3 days not much time to talk to anyone about anything ... she hadn't mentioned it to her GM but I called GM today to fill her in after dropping SD off at the airport... we'll see how that goes. She'll be back in a week.

Then I'll be gone for 10 days to visit the same GM.

GM and I agree we were glad BM had reached out first this way SD isn't reaching for nothing.