This problem is about your ex -- not your kids. I will sound like a broken record here, but I would recommend reading "Divorce Poison" so you can learn how to handle him with regard to his negative influence over the kids. You can't control what your ex does, but you can control how your kids treat your boyfriend, so having them accountable for things they do and say is really important (like apologizing for being rude).

When I first started dating my husband, his ex was a nightmare and totally used the kids to come between us (calling him 20 times a day about them -- and they were 16 and 13 -- old enough to speak to Dad themselves!). She really tried to scare me away....and if he didn't get control of the situation, it would have worked. I told him that I can leave him, and maybe he'll continue to date woman, but until he draws the boundaries with her, he will not keep any woman around because no one with any self respect will stick around for all that nonsense! I, like your boyfriend, had no kids of my own, so this was a whole lot to take on! He did understand this....and we knew that we had a very special relationship, so he drew the line....drove her crazy (crazier!) until she realized he would no longer react to her every crisis and drama. Long way to go to say to you.....if you want any relationship -- regardless of it's this guy or not -- you need to get the siutation under control (as best you can....). The book I recommended will help you see his behavior and help you direct the kids so they don't buy into it...

Your kids are young enough to try to help them get through this (my husband's daughter was 16 so just moved away suddenly with her mother....presumably to get away from mean dad and the new evil woman .... the crazy ex often said "things sure have changed since she came along"!!! Yeah, FINALLY! And my husband and his son have never felt more emotionally stable and secure!!!! (and I didn't mind taking the "blame")

Good luck....it won't be easy!

helpthismom,
I think that the best thing you did was to tell your ex to keep his comments and feelings about your partner to himself! It's not the kids who are making it difficult here, it is their father's opinions and comments that have an influence on them unconsciously and it comes out with a rude remark by one of the boys!

I congratualate your partner for deciding that it was better for him to leave and not to be around the boys until they show more respect towards him. God I wish I could have done that with my stepchildren right from the beginning. Perhaps today they would have a lot more respect towards me or least be as respectful towards me as i have been towards. Things are starting to change however. Enough is enough! When someone treats you with disrespect over and over and over again, there comes a point when you don't even want to be around them anymore and it doesn't matter if that concerns a child, your child, your husband's child, your friends child or any child or person.

Keep posting.

Thank you so much for the responses. I know it won't be easy, but nothing that is worth it ever is. I will keep plugging away and if anyone else has any suggestions or comments, I welcome them.

I agree your ex needs to keep his comments to himself.

Why do you listen to him anyways? You are the kids mom,you do what YOU think is best. When the kids see him,he does what he thinks is best? NO?

I'm sorry,but things will not get better.You cannot expect your boyfriend to just sit there and take it if your kids are being nasty to him. They are to listen to him and respect him like they would any adult in their life (like teachers at school) or you shouldnt marry the guy.

Of course, you should be the main one who does the disaplining and what not.But your kids should respect ALL adults. Your boyfriend is no different.Otherwise,you are going to have a long hard road to follow.

Oh I completely agree with you Coolmama. I do not expect him to sit there and take it. I have made some much needed changes around here as far as the way I am disciplining the kids. There has been a major change since yesterday....they miss him not being here and made cards apologizing for their behavior. I explained to them that I WILL NOT tolerate that type of behavior. Tonight was a good night. I know it's only one night....but it's a start...gotta start somewhere. But, I would never expect someone, no matter who they are, to sit there and accept behavior such as what was displayed last night. I was appalled. Unfortunately, the ex thought it was funny....

'Divorce Poison' is a fabulous book that will really help.

Your Ex is afraid your new boyfriend will replace him in his sons' heart, so he's poisoning the boys' minds against your boyfriend to 'protect' his own position. Easy enough to understand, but hard to fight. Ever see the movie StepMom? There's a classic scene where the little boy says to BioMom "I'll still hate her if you want me too." ---

Ex needs to be made to understand that the best thing possible for his sons is to have their father PLUS a stepfather who loves and cares for them, and that a bad relationship with their stepfather is a horrible thing for a young boy to have to deal with. He needs to be made to understand that by undermining the boys' relationship with your boyfriend, he's damaging their emotional health.

If he refuses to see this and change his ways, then YOU need to change your tactics. The boys are old enough to understand their father's jealousy and insecurity. And if BioDad won't change his campaign, you need to explain to the boys why their father is saying the things he's saying, and that it's not true and not right. And that disrespect will not be tolerated. You be the enforcer.

My Ex waged a successful campaign to alientate my son from his stepfather. (I read the book too late.) And it's heartbreaking to see the distance between the boys/men I love most in the world, when they used to be so close. My husband was so hurt by my son's rejection (which began shortly after my son started calling him 'Daddy') that he's now walled off a part of his heart to protect himself. He used to love my son like his own -- My son felt so secure, so loved... Not anymore.

Our situation was a little different but every one is... we actually had to have it written in the custody agreement that No dispariging remarks about any member of the family would be allowed... However at the time she had supervised visits so it was easy enough to monitor. The best senario is to 1.talk with your children openly about the issue. 2. NEVER stoop as low as your ex. do not speak of him badly do not feed into the fight. 3. draw a firm line with your children about respect. Not only for your partner but for you as well, explain to them that to be disrespectful of him is to disrespect you. 4. Always tell the kids how much you love and value them. I'm not saying the problems will just vanish (they never do) But children need to learn to see their parents not just as Mom & Dad but people as well, people who have the right to have hapiness in their lives. If you do not feed into the war one day your children will realize who all of the negativity is seething from.