I am sorry for what you have to go through. When SS stays in your and your DH's house, he has to follow expectaions and regulations. I don't mean silly rules of bedtime, but serious stuff: no smoking pot or not leaving door open at night. At age 19 he needs to be enrolled to some form of training and work part time, or work full time and be in school part time etc. If your DH does not enforce that and does not support you in it, all you can do is to go along with divorce. It is sad but you do not have to put up with drugs in your house. Take care of your daughters.

You'd have suffered badly for the rest of your life had that grown druggie stayed in your home with his father enabling him.

Their father/son dynamic is a train wreck in motion.

Keep safe & thank your lucky stars you & your daughters haven't been injured, kidnapped, drugged, or worse.

& change the locks.

I'm sorry you lost the man you love, but you saved your daughters and acted with integrity in the best interests of your children. You did what you had to do, and you did the right thing. Don't look back.

I agree with sweeby, your daughters come first in circumstances like this. Good for you.

Another chiming in to tell you that you have done the right thing. Not the easy thing, but the right thing for yourself and your daughters. Don't look back, don't second guess. Your job is to keep the three of you safe - the rest will sort itself out. Your DH is selfish, and he obviously raised his child to be as well. Old dogs . . .

Please keep us updated - we will be sending you strength.

I agree that you did the right thing. You have to protect your young daughters and not let them be exposed to drugs and a lazy stepbrother who won't work or go to school.

And to leave the door unlocked at night while he is out and the rest of you are asleep?

What an terribly unhealthy living situation your husband was trying to impose on you and your daughters just because he won't impose rules on his son and is just letting him be a bum.

You are doing the right thing - stay strong.

June

It won't be easy to go through a divorce-especially if you still love your DH. The hurt is turmendous I bet! I am so sorry but YOU are doing the right thing and sticking to what you believe. The SS is a disaster waiting to happen! You will find love again-don't worry. Concentrate on your girls and you. That is what is important here. Good Luck and Much Love to you!

since last posting, husband wants to reconcile and is willing to set rules and parameters. I said no because I am so angry about things with ss, I don't feel I will be happy. Told husband to give me time but I will not put up with illegal stuff in my home that could jeopardize my girls.Not worth it. Husband is a good man, but with his son is an enabler. I don't think it's fair ss has become between a wonderful marriage.And that I let him control it as well. I don't know how to stop being angry and only suggested I needed much more time to evaluate. Thanks for all your responses and prayers. You have all helped me more than I could ever imagine.

Please,

My advice would be sleep on it. If you think he is sincere about change, counseling can help him get there.

IMHO

The one thing I want to point out, is that if you divorce, wouldn't your husband have legal visitation of your daughters (say on weekends) without you there to protect them from your stepson? Would your little girls be more vulnerable? Would you be required by law to let him have visitation of your two little girls, in a home where he would be living with this 19 year old son, doing who knows what, without you around?

Before you go any further, I think you need to talk to an attorney and be very clear on whether your husband will have legal visitation of his daughters (unless they are your children from a previous marriage, which makes my post meaningless). if they are his daughters, I would be extremely concerned about your husbands ability to protect them, from a 19 year old son, with no boundaries. If that is the case, then you might start re-thinking this and get some firm boundaries in place while you have the ability to negotiate with your husband, since he is now willing to negotiate, to get you back.

Otherwise, you need to be very clear (from a family law attorney) whether you will be required by law to give visitation of your girls to your husband should you divorce, even if this 19 year old son is living with him. How do you protect your girls then?

I'm not surprised --

And if your husband can PROVE that he's changed his enabling ways, then it's something to consider. Not that I view this as a "you win / he gives in" thing, but you'll never have more leaverage than you have right now...

Actions speak louder than words. He can start to earn your trust in his parenting abilities by setting these new rules and parameters NOW because he recognizes it's the right thing to do, not because he HAS to to get you back. If he is making and enforcing all these rules because he HAS to, not because his heart is in it, how well do you think it will work? Will he end up resenting you for it?

Let him start today and show you he can do it. If it appears it is working, and you feel it's safe for you and your daughters to be there, then talk reconciliation.

Bnice also makes a very good point - are your daughters joint daughters?

My daughters are from a previous marriage, so I don't have to worry about any legal action on visitation.Sad thing is he is dad to them, the only one they ever known. I am hangin in there and hopin for him to see the light, but after talking to him today, he doesn't at this point.

I am very sorry for you. Hopefully your DH will get a good dose of his sons actions and realize that tough love is the best love. The SS is old enough to stand on his own to feet and put his big boy panties on. It is very hard for some parents to understand that the kids can stand on their own two feet. I wish that your DH could see it that way. At some point and time he probably will hopefully before you have to go through a divorce. Best wishes to you. I hope it all works out.