Thanks! Good words of advice. halfdecaf - I love that you repeat your vows on your anniversary. That sounds like a very worthwhile tradition and one I might copy for us. I know the "good cop/bad cop" role is pretty tricky. It's not really how we intended it, but it's how I feel usually. My BF's own father abandoned the family when BF was at a very young age and his mother essentially detached from the family as a result of her husband leaving. As such, BF had no healthy parenting images to look up to so he leans toward parenting out of guilt or giving in too much to his own son. I come from a fairly strict, but caring, family so I've tried to share my own parenting examples with them. The result is that BF's son now has a normal bedtime (when we met he would let his son stay up until midnight! And he was 5!), he cleans up his own plate after dinner, he's not allowed to throw things or act physically in anger, he's not allowed to hit his dad or be disrespectful to us without consequences, etc. So I feel like the "bad cop" because I implement/encourage a lot of the discipline and a lot of the rules about what's acceptable and what's not. The only reason it's working is b/c BF currently backs me up on the decisions and is actually a little grateful that I know a little more than he does about general parenting, while he knows more than I do about his son's specific needs. So I think we make a good team. Of course, if either one of us ever stops supporting the other, I can see how that might cause some mutiny... We are also considering premarital couseling. One of my biggest challenges is learning to bite my tongue and not constantly tell him what to do. I was single for too long and have lots of rules in my own head about the way things "should" be done. On the flip side, he was single too long with a young son - essentially living the bachelor life with a kid tagging along (have you seen the Adam Sandler movie, Big Daddy - something along those lines, but not as extreme). So figuring out when my comments cross over into "nagging" seems to be a fine line. I never want to be the "nagging" wife.

Thank you all for your responses. There is not much I can say for myself, other than I am truly sorry. Sylvia... yes I am devastated... I'm human. I've been in love very few times in my life. I feel stupid to admit this is one... My nights are sleepless and that's when I stay up conflicted about this situation. But be assured my days are spent struggling through the loss of my career opportunity. I play over my evals again and again in my head, but it is easier for me to deal with because it is black and white why I failed. I had a 90% avg going into those final days, but the program is set up to put the pressure on, and I choked. My field is one in which I can still find work but will likely have to resort to contract work and the process is painstakingly slow, but I have always been able to take care of myself, and job wise it's easy for me to sit and make a plan to dig myself out of a hole. Unfortunately when it comes to matters of the heart, it's much more difficult for me. I'm just... sad. Yes Popi I did think with my heart. It's very rare that I let people in, but when I do, I certainly have made mistakes and gotten hurt. (Though this is the only time I've ever fell for someone who was not single) Thank you for the advice. Sylvia the drug reference is good... you are certainly on to something, but I suppose for me it was that I'm a hopeless romantic... I kept picturing Swing Time scenarios... a fine romance indeed. I can't tell you why he pursued me, why I gave in, I can't tell you what it was that made it happen between him and me, I can only admit that it did happen, and that I'm guilty, shameful, and embarrassed. Not an excuse... there is no excuse, and please understand that I do know that... and that I truly am sorry. That's most likely why I feel like I'm struggling the most. That's why I asked, can one be sorry without regret? Meaning I am sorry, but my feelings for him are still there...I want him to be happy. I will always have questions as to why, what if, is he truly happy, etc. But I have blocked him since that last email and now that the wedding day has come and gone, my resolve is solidified. I know time is the only thing that will heal, but I have to say writing it all out the other night helped. And your responses... I needed it. Scarlett I can pretty much guarantee that lesson was learned.

Oh gosh I am so sorry I posted and then disappeared for a week. Ok lets see and thanks for all the responses I'll try to answer all questions best I can! I'll give verbal answers and then try to work out getting pictures posted sometime in the next day or so. Steam Oven info: The steam oven requires a single cold water plumbing line into the oven. So actually very simple, although its a lot easier when you are doing a new build than a remodel (a crawl space would probably help ease remodel pains.) No drain required! I can't tell you a cost because it was buried in our overall plumbing bid, sorry. I DID have to remind both the plumber and builder about 15 times to plumb it tho even though we noted it specially in the plans. Just not on their usual list of to dos. On the reliability front, we read and read and read and concluded (with some level of uncertainty still) that Kitchenaid had finally replaced the component that was burning out during the clean cycle of their ovens and that if you bought a new one, you should be ok. BUT we haven't dared run the clean cycle yet :-) and I still felt guilty buying their product when they had gone for years without admitting and fixing the problem. We bought an extended warranty for both the oven and for our GE Profile Fridge just in case. And we bought from a local well reputed appliance dealer who we felt would honor the lemon guarantee also. But we do use the oven almost daily with no problems 2 months in. As you'd hope! We paid $3200 for the single oven, which was a definite splurge, and cheaped out on some of the other appliances going the scratch and dent route with those. Advantium info: You have to switch from a metal tray to a glass tray when using microwave or oven. The trays have grooves and fairly easily catch on the metal turntable mechanism, and both trays easily wipe clean. We have a drawer under the oven in which we keep the tray not in use, and the stand you are supposed to add in to do broiling. So far, no one has forgotten to switch the trays, and the oven gives you a digital reminder when you set the cooking times to use the metal or glass tray. If you were only to buy this one oven, I'd be sure and get the 120 which has a larger size interior than the 240. Read through the dimension info carefully. This one was a craigslist buy, about half retail, you find them regularly on craigslist and ebay. We also got our gas cooktop (Dacor 5 burner) off ebay, one third retail. This one was a lower risk, since there is so little that can go wrong with a gas cooktop mechanically. Island info: Upper counter is 4'6 across and 8' long. The long side is fine, the 4'6 width is insane. The upper counter is 43" off the floor so to start with, if I'm standing on the floor I can reach about 2' of the 4'6. Even if I lean out while standing on the stool, I can't come close to the far edge. I think we should have held it to about 3' deep. On top of that width, there is another 2'5" of lower counter width which holds our cooktop and funny caboose sink/wet bar. So when standing at the stove, I can only just barely reach the edge of the higher counter to put something up there, and then its too far away for anyone to reach from the other side. However it does hold a LOT of junk. notebooks and scanners and mail and coupon clippings and pan lids and the dog treat jar.... you get the idea. (slobs? us? oooops.) There is also a lower counter on the backside which is the cutting and food prep areas wrapping around from the cooktop side. Imagine an L shaped lower counter wrapping two sides of the higher counter. The backside lower counter is where the cutting board is with the bins, and that section is actually another couple of inches lower than the rest of the L. So we have three counter heights on the island, 43" height eating/piling things surface, then 36" height with a corner "wet" bar, a cooktop, a prep area with the advantium below, and then a 30" height butcher block. The pics will come next. thanks for your patience. I hope this made sense so far.

You write, “I have not asked her anything. We discussed aspects of things of this nature years ago and for the most part she agreed at the time. Maybe she still does? Maybe she changed? Maybe she never really meant it? I don't know. But I have said nothing to her about this since she brought up being a bridesmaid months ago.” i am confused. This is so important to you, but when she told you about being a bridesmaid, you said nothing. Months passed and you said nothing. The wedding is tomorrow, and you’ve still said nothing. Nor have you confirmed what you hoped she feels about this. What‘s the plan here? Just let her think everything’s fine, and then she comes home from the wedding to find you gone for good, with no warning? This sounds like a pretty sneaky test. It’s one thing to ask that she make sacrifices for your feelings. It’s quite another to require that she read your mind as well. You talk about a “clear” line -- how clear can it be to her if you haven’t said a word? It is baffling that in all these months you never told her how you felt, how important this is to you, that you really don’t want her to be in this wedding. Even if you tell her now, with just hours to go before the wedding, you are putting her in an impossible spot. You never just asked for what you want and need. You never gave her a chance to succeed. That’s what loving spouses do. Which terrible outcome are you hoping for? That she will read your mind (or listen to an eleventh-hour ultimatum — because that’s exactly what it would be) and back out of the wedding, which will make everyone she knows think forever that you are a world-class controlling jerk? Or that you will have an excuse to walk out? Those are the only two outcomes you have set up. I strongly encourage you to consider a third: accept that your wife is going to be in the wedding and attend graciously without complaint as her escort. If you don’t think you could pull that off, then plead illness and stay home — a very rude thing to do, but much better than spoiling someone's wedding. Next time, you can talk it over first, and maybe get a pleasant surprise. It wouldn‘t mean your feelings and opinions are wrong at all. It’s just being a loving and caring grownup spouse, and playing fair.