This is a subject so terribly fraught with spectres of greed, avarice, controversy that it's often difficult to be really honest when discussing it. I tip my hat to Nancy in Mich. for stepping up to the mike and asking me WHY my brother and I arrived at the decision we did. It's important that those questions be asked and that they be answered. I worry a lot about this. I worry that Mum will deteriorate to such an extent that she cannot remain with me or my brother, in a setting that is familiar to her, surrounded with things and pets that she "remembers". I have seen the interior of nursing homes and "rehabilitation" facilities 3 times. Only one of the 3 was "acceptable", the other two were so pathetically inadequate I wouldn't send a hated enemy there. And it wasn't for lack of funding... (heaven knows Mum was a "cash cow"! spry, pleasant, and cooperative)it was for lack of QUALIFIED staffing. Those workers "in the trenches", were largely immigrant, working for minimum wage (probably without any benefit package, too), and barely able, with their broken English, to communicate with wards barely able to comprehend the spoken word, let alone that spoken with a thick accent, no matter how affectionately! THEY were the real treasures! they were attentive, affectionate, and virtually ignored by more "educated" staff. The most PATHETIC employees were the vaunted RNs, PTs... no kidding! I have, NEVER, in my life met a more arrogant, selfish, unwilling cadre of "caregivers". I was embarrassed for THEM; they were nearly universally unwilling to do ANYTHING that remotely required "hands on" work. "I'll call an aid"; "I have other duties to attend to...". "Could you call me later?" (needless to say they didn't "do" e-mail). Oh, I've heard it all. And that's why Mum is with me and my brother and NOT in one of those hell-holes. $60-80K/yr. for THAT? I rather think not. But families willing to do the work to keep them at home can't be compensated? HUH?! Welcome to life, corporate America runs this country, make no mistake about it. But consider this: you wouldn't have wanted to be the RN on "duty" (eating her doughnut behind the counter at "reception"!) when my brother arrived at 11:30 AM on Saturday morning, the day after Mum was transferred. She was lying in bed, soaked in urine (failed urostomy appliance), unfed. He coolly told the RN to get her ass in the room and take care of it. He went next to the administrator's office. From that day on, he and I went to visit Mum EVERY SINGLE DAY for 5 weeks to "check up" on her care. I HAD TO TEACH THOSE RNs HOW TO CHANGE AN UROSTOMY APPLIANCE. (Wingate) There is one level of employee I hold in greater contempt, though. And that's the SOCIAL WORKER. Never, in my life, have I seen a greater waste of payroll than they. I have had the (dis)pleasure to deal with 7 in the past 3 years. ONLY ONE of them was helpful in any meaningful way. Frankly, the other 6 could have been nicely replaced with a WEBSITE. The one that was helpful is someone with whom I still maintain contact. She has remained a tried, true, and good friend. When you find a good one, stick with them! Am I angry? You bet. Why? because the whole system is set up to milk families of their assets even as they "tell" families they can't possibly "take adequate care" of much loved elders. The entire system is stacked against those of us who are willing to care for our families. Mark my words, this is the coming battleground and I'll be well finished with it in a few short years. Me? I've joined the Hemlock Society!

We traveled to Mexico City a number of years ago with friends. I was really looking forward to the trip and wanted to get out of town as soon as possible so we booked a red eye out of San Diego. At the very last minute our friends called to say they had to change to the next flight out so we did too. The red eye crashed upon landing at the Mexico City airport. We were the next flight in and saw a horrible sight and already had people on our plane destined to claim their relatives. Just found this new piece on the crash: 31 October 1979; Western Airlines DC10-10; Mexico City, Mexico: The crew inadvertently landed on a closed runway parallel to the active runway. The aircraft struck a large vehicle and crashed. 63 of the 77 passengers and 9 of the 11 crew were killed. Similar thing happened on a trip to Paris when I was 24. My charter flight was cancelled at the very last minute so I had to fly into another city and take the train to Paris. The airport in Paris came under attack by the SLA, IRA or some militant group. I was safely in Frankfurt, Germany trying to figure out how long it was going to take for me to get to Paris via train. Jodi-

The past couple of years of both of their lives was exhausting for us (their caregivers). I'm 49 and have 3 teenagers and own a shop. Days were none stop from the moment I woke until the moment I fell into bed. I wouldn't change it for the world. I had one sister who thought they needed taking care of. Would it have been easier? Yes for us. Would it have been better? Not if its something they weren't ready for, which they weren't. The past 4 months, cleaning out their home of 87 years of life has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do and the most rewarding. I'm still not completely finished. The house is empty and waiting to be sold. I go in about once a week to make sure all is ok and I leave knowing that I was able to help two wonderful people be happy and content right up to the end. I hope If I'm lucky enough to live to be 87 that I'll be right were I want to be when I die. It might be assisted living or a smaller home or right where I am right now. I hope my children will not make me choose which things are important to me by their standards. I understand what you're saying and I'm glad you were able to help your parents live out their lives. I think, however, that the balance is different if there's only one of you doing the caretaking (along with job/career and family obligations) and/or if the "destination" is not death but long-term care. Right now my 70-something mother is caring for my wheelchair-bound brother. He has a degenerative disease that, for better or worse, does not really affect his lifespan. I am responsible for his care after my mother passes on. It is not possible for me to provide my brother with the full-time care he needs and keep any kind of decent-paying job -- nevermind the career I have now. He really will need to move to a nursing home -- a shame, because he will be a generation younger than almost anyone else there and because, at some hours of the day, he does pretty well for himself. Nursing home spots -- especially at good facilities (or, very especially, at one that can better serve people his age) -- don't open up automagically when you need them. So my mother and I have agreed that, if we find a good spot for my brother before it actually is needed on a daily basis, it would make sense to move him there and let him acclimate to this new stage in his life. My brother likely will not be ready for that whenever it happens. At this point, my brother rarely understands the limitations imposed by this disease. We're doing what we can to prepare him. But the time ultimately will not be of his choosing. When my mother passes on, my brother may have to deal not only with that loss, but with a complete change in his living accommodations. Moving him to a care facility - especially before it's absolutely necessary -- is not easy, either. But, for him, we think it will be the better way to go.

I love these stories! A couple of days ago I walked a few blocks away to check out an apartment building that has a listing that I'm interested in. I didn't have an appt. to view the unit, just wanted to get a feel for the block. I stopped a gentleman who looked like he was about to enter the building but he was not, I explained that I was wondering how the building is. Is it heated well, etc. (You never know in NYC how some buildings are managed.) He told me that his friend lives in the building, "Let me call him up". I told him no, you're too kind, you don't have to do that, but he insisted. Turns out he didn't have his friend's number after all but assured me that he had been in the building, it's very nice and he can run in to see if his friend is home. Of course I thanked him and refused buy what a nice guy. From there I went to the hardware store to see if they had seed packages for sale yet. I wanted to get thyme and chive seeds for my windowsill. The guy behind the counter told me that they haven't gotten them yet, they'll be in in a month. But he has last year's seeds, (which should still germinate) and I can take all of them for free. LOL I don't really have much use for most of the seeds as I live in an apartment but I didn't want to stand there picking through all the seed packages, there were probably 100 envelopes packed tightly into a box. He said You come in often, and we appreciate it. I'm sending most of the seeds to friends who live outside of the city and have gardens. So it was a really nice day. There are so many kind people out there, sometimes it's kind of shocking! I can't remember the last time I encountered anyone who was rude to me. Recently someone hung tote bags on a fence for anyone to take, "Being Nice is Free" was printed on them. My neighbors are all very friendly which just makes life so much better. (Except for the stomper who lives above me but I try not to get too annoyed!). I think when I was younger I could get snippy with people sometimes but I believe I've mellowed and really enjoy interacting with most people I meet.