WOW.... I know what brought me to this page. Anger at someone who died in my life. But never did I expect to read about so much passion and love. I started crying for you. But I also heard GUILT. Sweetie, that guilt is going to eat you up. Yet I can understand. We always look back and want to rearrange the past. Normally, it's when we still have time to do so but just don't do it. But it's when there's a finality to it, when there IS no going back that we hurt so much and get so angry at ourselves. I know there's nothing I can say to make it make sense. I can only say "I understand" and I feel your pain. You feel that if you'd done this or that, things would be different. That you could have been there for him. But on the other hand, had Matt done things differently, things would have also turned out differently as far as you being there, in his life. I'm not saying it's his fault any more that it's your fault. It's no ones 'fault.' I just hear you saying you wish you'd taken different steps so that maybe you could have been there with him. And I understand. Just keep in mind that it wasn't all 'your job." It wasn't all up to you to mend things before this happened. Had he taken different steps, you may or may not have been there, in his life. Just saying, it's not all on YOUR shoulders, honey. Really....it's not. You both had things (emotions, fears, whatever...) keeping you from reaching out to one another. But then life stepped in and screwed it all up before either of you had a chance to do what was in your hearts. There's nothing I can say to make that make sense. That's the randomness of life, however unfair it may be. And you're so young, sweetie. I am 53. Been thru lots of heartache from love. But I remember at your age, love was so strong and pure and I could not imagine ever loving anyone else. My future was mapped out for me with THAT person and that person ONLY. There would never be anyone else like US. So, oh how much you must hurt from this. As much as people tell you about "time healing all wounds" (and it IS true) there is no possible way you can believe that now. All you know is life dealt you a raw deal and on top of that, you feel guilty because YOU WEREN'T there with him. I guess all I can say to that is - once again, I understand. But don't beat yourself up for not being there WHEN this happened. Death is random. You two could have been happy as two peas in a pod and this still could have happened - him at home and you at the grocery store. I think what you're feeling is the disconnection from him when this happened. You're sad because you feel like he died without you two 'mending' whatever was going on. You were separated. It's unfinished business. You feel empty and helpless. And you're going thru all the "what if's??" That part is natural. It WILL take time to get past those feelings. My personal experience with losing someone was in May. Yet I'm still dealing with a myriad of emotions on a daily basis -- lots of them being "what if". What if I'd have checked on him earlier? How was he feeling, all alone, dying alone? I wish there was something comforting to say to you, but I know at this point, you just need to share how you feel. The last thing you need is someone telling you how you 'should' feel or what you 'need' to do. So just know, if you need to really open up, you can email me. Go to MY PAGE and there's an "email me" link. Please feel free to write me, hon. You do need to talk about it.

I am going through the same thing here, me and my husband have only been married for 9 months he has lft me 4 times, due to my children, I have a 19 yr old son who was living on his own and he had to move back w us in august 08, he has a job, he is trying to fix his truck, he has been blowing his money on his truck, but it still needs work, my husband left on dec 9th, with no warning, he just said that he was tired of my kids running over us. he was not working i have been the main bread winner for almost a year, he also took 2 grand out of our acct, we had a joint cking. He was wrking side jobs here and there, but nothing big, he would make a few hundred dollars once in a while, he did do all of the housework, dinner, washing clothes, etc...he did give me a lot of affection, attention, and i know he does love me. he is living two hours away, he says he does not want a divorce however he cant move back in with me and my son. he says i let my son do what ever he wants, he has no responsiblities, i do take my son to work every day. I have to constantly remind him to do chores, my son and husband got in a fist fight the night he left, and was confronted about taking the money out of the bank. I know i have been a slack parent. but i do love this man, he is good to me, however leaving me for the 4th time makes me wonder what to do. I am so confused, he says he does not want a divorce, i started the filing, but i have delayed it until i can decide what to do. my freinds do not like my husband they say he is no good for me. the neighbors dont like him, he is overbearing with disipline. i agree, however when you still love someone it is hard to let go. we never had one fight or fuss until my kids moved back in. i cant go to my freinds for any advice, they just see what he has done, they dont see the good times we had, but how can i just kick my son on the street with no where to go? how can he expect me to do that? i am so torn and confused myself I can relate to your situtiation very well help me also with some advice

Wow! This really takes the cake. It sounds as if the parents ran the entire show and the bride had little or no say in anything. I agree that the woman was startled and searching for something to say, as she was totally surprised that someone not invited would actually bring a gift. It is absolutely wrong and totally tacky to invite anyone to a shower without inviting them to the wedding. We had a similar experience with our recently married daughter's mother-in-law, who invited 170 people to the rehearsal dinner, nearly half of whom weren't invited to the wedding (we had "limited" her wedding invitations to 150!!!) Many of them were her husband's employees, most of whom had the good sense to decline to attend the rehearsal dinner, displaying better sense than she did. (She also had the nerve to have a gift table at the dinner!) I never ceased to be amazed at the bad taste exhibited by some people when it comes to weddings.

I don't think I said anything about fault. I am only addressing the facts. Shunning is abuse. SD is engaged in shunning = abusive. SD is responsible for using abusive behaviour to solve her problem. Not good. parents need to parent to help child out of bad situation. If the situation were reversed and SM was shunning SD the responsibility would be reversed only it would be an adult engaging in emotional abusive and childish behaviour. But it is not. kkny, what good can come out of this if it is left to continue? What do you see as the outcome of this situation other than the distruction of a family? In the spirit of self disclosure. MY SD32 did this to our family 4 yrs ago. 6mo ago we she finaly agreed to go to family therapy. I finaly learned that what she held against me was... I said she was impulsive. She married a man who she did not feel she knew well enough to find out about his finances and stayed married for less then a year. This is only one example of her impulsivity. The year before she turned on me she bought tickets to a concert for us to attend together for my birthday. She rutinly asked for my advice, which I was reluctant to give. I probably did say that something she was planning on doing seemed impulsive to me. Was this justification for ruining our family? No. I wish her father would have steped in instead of going along with it and hoping she would come around. She actualy said he had to choose. Before all of this happened I thought we did have a good relationship. She refered to me as Mom. She made a point of spending time with me. The therapist refused to give us another appointment because she was still refusing to communicate so there was no point. The only thing he could do for us was to help us give up. He said that until she grows up emotionaly there is no hope. What I want to say to this family is do not condone this behaviour in any way. Dad needs to step in and put a stop to it before it goes any further. If the situation had been reversed and it were my children doing this to my husband, I would have been all over it. They know I would not put up with the disrespect to a man that has cared for them and supported them... He should have done the same but he was afraid of losing her...but that is exactly what happened.