As a newbie, I've been all agog over the lovely pictures posted here and over-excited about restructuring/filling up my very young garden. I've ordered probably about 25 roses for this spring. I'm pretty sure I can get them all in the ground, but I won't have a lot of room for more. I may once have thought "Oh, roses, they last for years so that will eventually SAVE me money, right?" Ha! I vacillate daily between thinking "what have I gotten myself into?!" and "I think I could handle more..." Mostly I'm just excited though. Won't this winter ever end? :) Karen

Dianna, this is a big rose. That said, you can keep it to the size you want by limiting the number of canes you grow. Let it grow out to the size you want (the canes stiffen so you're probably best off with a trellis rather than trying to wind it around a tower or obelisk. The trellis will also make it simpler to remove old or unwanted canes. It's a beautiful, classic rose. Mine grows relatively wildly against a fence and at 3 years old is probably 8x6. There are always blooms on it, scenting the path nearby. When it exceeds its allowed territory, I just prune off a big piece - it never resents the treatment. Have fun with it! Sue

'Does it really matter who is "in control?" When you housebreak a dog, maybe the dog is thinking, "Gee, I got her trained - all I have to do is bark at the door and she opens it for me."' I think it does matter who's in control. The parents are the adults and charged with teaching children about the world. It's the adult's job to teach the child right from wrong. Children don't come into the world to teach the adults how to treat them or take care of them. Are you comparing children to dogs? While it's not surprising that you'd compare children to dogs, if you look at a pack of dogs, the mother dog will teach the pups how to behave like dogs. We, as humans, train our dogs to live in our world. Sure, the dog may be thinking he has you trained to open the door for him, but if you don't open the door, well trained dog will hold it until it's physically impossible. A poorly trained dog might make a mess by the door, or is he showing you that if you don't open the door, he's going to make the mess so next time you will get up faster? Taking children to the store is an important lesson for kids and should be used as a learning experience. When they are small, a parent should keep in mind how tired the child is or how long is appropriate. I see parents drag kids for long shopping trips that tire out the adults, so yes the child is going to act up. That is not teaching the child anything. Teaching them how to behave in a store is something that takes time and patience. Learning trips should be planned so they don't turn into a fiasco where a cart full of groceries gets left and a mother/father ends up angry and frustrated. I learned that it is easier to do when you plan it than doing it as it happens. My oldest son, when he was around 2, threw himself on the floor in the middle of an aisle because he wanted something and I said no. I picked him up and took him home, leaving our cart. After that, I had to have a talk with him every time we went to a store. I let him know the rules (they were always the same but I reminded him) and if he started to act up, I didn't say a word (no warnings), we just left. I don't remember having any problems with my other children. When I got together with my exBF, I would take all six kids to the grocery store. They walked with me, one hand on the cart in a line. I was stared at but they were not running around. I'm not sure if I was stared at because I had six kids under 8, or if it was because they were quiet & walking in a line, three on each side of the cart (holding onto the cart). I could ask one to get me an item off the shelf and they would. I didn't make threats or hit them, I just expected them to behave or we would leave. I would tell them that if we don't get groceries, we won't have food in the house. As I look back, I'm amazed at how I did it. The first time I took SD to the store (a warehouse type store), she was jumping, skipping touching things on the shelves, grabbing samples, singing and her dad kept yelling at her to stop, she didn't listen. He was frustrated but not willing to leave the store with nothing. By the time we left, we were both in a bad mood and upset with SD. I let DH know that I will not take her again if he isn't going to control her. I think partly, he didn't know how to control her. The next time we went, I took her aside and told her that a store is not the place to sing, dance, skip, touch, or run. She glared at me and I told her that if she doesn't behave, we are going to leave. I also told her that she isn't going to eat any samples, she is to walk, holding dad's hand. She walked holding dad's hand and started to grab things off the shelf and was jumping. He told her to stop, she didn't listen. I told her, 'do we have to leave the store?' (which is more warning than I ever gave my own kids) and she glared at me again. She whispered to dad if she can have a sample. He said, 'what were you told?' and she glared at me again. We had several trips to the store like that but now, she goes with me and behaves completely. If her dad is there, she will still try to get him to let her do things she knows she won't get away with when he's not there, but he has seen the way she behaves and now he tells her no more. It's no longer stressful to take her to the store, but when he takes her by himself, she doesn't behave. I told him that it's up to him to make her. He's getting better about it but I know her mom lets her do whatever she wants and then calls DH to complain about her not behaving. It's really up to the parents and I see many parents that don't seem to care what the kids are doing, or not willing to do anything about it. I think my DH was in that category. It's one thing if you are a parent and you are annoyed and want to do something about it, but when you have kids that don't behave and you drag them to the store and they annoy everyone else around them, those are the ones that should stay home.

Wow, with a few decades of history, it's really hard to offer any advice. I think the first thing is to deal with your depression. Talk to your doctor or naturopath about healthy choices that can help you with your mood (eg - nutrition, exercise, B vitamins - or, if you think it's too bad for that to help, antidepressant medications). Then do something that makes you take notice of yourself and feel good about YOU - take a weekend away with a friend at the spa, start a new hobby, get a sassy haircut. Maybe that will remind you that you deserve to be treated well and give you the confidence to make it a requirement. When you talk to DH and/or the kids, make sure you're using "I statements" and keeping it relevant to the current situation. It's OK to say "We have a long pattern of [undesirable relationship attribute]," but make sure you use an example from the past 6 months, not from when the kid was 13. Try to find simple and concrete actions that everyone could do to help with the problem. Saying "I want to be treated with respect" isn't very helpful for getting a disrespectful person to change their ways... But maybe saying something like this would be more helpful, "I would prefer that if you have a gripe with me, you approach me directly to resolve it instead of talking to others first. If you're not comfortable speaking in person, then phone or an email is fine too." When it comes to your DH, I don't think you'll have a lot of success in saying "Look, Hunny, your daughter is a selfish beeyatch, so stop defending her and make her treat me properly." I think you'll have more success in saying "Now that most of the kids are out of the house and on with their own lives, I think you and I should do some rebuilding on our own relationship. Being an empty nest and negotiating the landmines of an adult blended family is different that the situation we were in until the kids moved out. Let's make a weekly date night to focus on each other and our relationship. Remember how we used to love [activity - eg playing cribbage, making dinner together, going to movies]? Let's pick that back up again!" Maybe a reminder that he is in a relationship with you is what DH needs. Maybe not? I don't know.