I imagine it must be difficult to want to help your child every step of the way, to make their lives easier, perhaps, than your's was at their age. I don't have kids so I've avoided that minefield. But boy do I ever hear from my friends and their kids, lol. I think about how my parents were with my brother and me (both are now dead). They were pretty much "all about" getting us to a stage where we knew right from wrong, listened to our consciences/inner voices, knew how to discern between "need" and "want", and were able to figure how and when to indulge "want" with minimal worry about how to fund it. Teaching us to be honest, resourceful, and hard-working was their goal. "Lazy" and "entitled" were probably the two worst things they could ever have called us; and the same could be said of the helpmeet and his brothers. I hate to come down too hard on young people in general, because I know many fine, hard-working, industrious kids. But I do think there are a lot more very pampered, spoiled kids now and I have to say I hold their parents responsible (parents who are my age!). I think it takes a lot of guts to post the sort of question you did, Wigardener., would that more parents did! You're right on this one; accountability and responsibility build character, even though the adjustments can be bruising (for both of you). You're right on this! don't let the "guilties" eat away at your resolve. Remember, much as you may want to, you are not in a position to foot the college bill. One day your son will reflect on this time in his life (the way I have in the past few years) and he will arrive at new appreciation for all you've given him.

I have a 20 year old and a 17 year old. One strategy I've used for a lot of their lives is to make it easier or more appealing for them to do what I want them to do, and make it more difficult and less appealing for them to do the things I don't like. So I think what I'd do if this was my son would be to first charge him rent. I wouldn't tell him that I was saving it for him, but I'd save it for him to help him get into an apartment later. The second thing I'd do would be to have chores for him to do, lots of chores. As an adult part of the household now, it would be fair to expect him to pull his weight doing yard work, cooking, etc. Have him clean out the attic or garage, install a sprinkler system in your yard, or something like that. The third thing I'd do would be to stop giving him money (if you're doing that). Stop paying for car repairs, any personal expenses he can't afford, etc. I would want my son to see what life is really going to be like if he has to support himself forever in a low-paying, dead-end job. I'd couple those things together with perhaps some career counseling. I'd try to expose my son to various careers he might enjoy. For my kids it was and is very difficult to decide what they want to do with their lives - they are most familiar with careers like that of their parents, or careers like teaching, nursing, fire-fighting, etc. There are so many other careers my kids had no idea existed. Because you live in a small town, you may not have the options my kids had. But my son was able to intern with a local judge, my daughter is volunteering in a utilities department, etc. Is there any way your son can do some volunteer work or unpaid work in an area of interest, to get a feel for a possible career choice? Can he work part time unpaid as an apprentice at a trade that interests him? At least that way he could learn skills that would help him as an adult, even if they don't lead to a career path. Can he help do a Habitat for Humanities project or join a church mission trip that repairs houses, etc., and learn some skills? If you think his problem is lack of confidence, then perhaps you can help him get involved in something that boosts his confidence and helps him feel self-reliant. Maybe camping, or rock climbing, or some type of volunteer work for a very worthwhile cause. I would also look into AmeriCorps. I know a young man who didn't know what he wanted to do with his life and went into AmeriCorps after high school. He did a stint with AmeriCorps and then went into college, and that experience was very good for him. As a 19-year-old my son worked construction one very hot, humid summer down in a valley that trapped the heat. He spent a significant part of the time shoveling broken concrete. It changed his attitude about doing boring work in an air-conditioned office or classroom. He told me at the end of that summer that if ever he needed motivation to finish his engineering degree, he'd just remember that shovel and that was all the incentive he needed to never, ever have to do that kind of labor in the hot sun again. I hope it also gave him an appreciation and respect for the laborers all around the world who work so hard in unpleasant conditions to build our schools, roads, water treatment plants, etc. The military is an excellent career for some young men who don't have any direction in their lives. That may be an option for your son, too. I wouldn't let my son sleep late, lay around playing video games, and spend his money on movies and video games, etc. The young men I know who do that wind up disheartened, discouraged, with very little confidence. They don't have the motivation to get up and make something of their lives, but they aren't happy, either. Good luck with your son! This is a hard age for many kids - it's hard for some young men to focus on college when they don't have a clue what they want to do and can't see the usefulness of their education. It is discouraging for them, and some of them do need their parents to help them get a long term perspective on the importance of an education or learning a trade.

Got a lot of smiles from these posts. Remembrances of my four going off to college, each for the first time. First to go was DD. She took 125% of everything she needed. The school sent a list and I got another list from a different school too. We got it all. took 2 vans to move her in. She shared a 7 x 11 foot room with one other girl! We have a pic of her room on move in day. Oops, that super size box of Tampax on the bed shows in every picture! Her and old room mate laughed about that one at DD's wedding shower! Now, the next 3 were boys and they take 100% of what they need (meaning: 25% of what you KNOW they need). One set of sheets, who needs to wash except at Xmas and Spring break?! I mean it simply amazed me! If they didn't have something they needed, they just went down the hall and "borrowed" it from someone else (usually a girl who had it all). If they knew they were coming home in 2 weeks, then they didn't do laundry. No, I do not do anyones laundry except mine and DH's, they just didn't want to haul it anywhere. So don't worry, what they don't take with them you can mail or they will beg from soneone else. BTW mail them a package one day BEFORE they leave. Amazing how much a box from home says "I love you". Still have 2 in college, had all 4 in at the same time one year! Kathy G in MI

Steve, I feel your pain, except it's me going to vet school. I was accepted, but I have to apply for loans. The estimated family contribution that the fafsa calculates is ridiculous. It seems like it randomly generates numbers, I can't see how it excepts us to contribute what it says. Last year taxes, I made 15k (PT in school, FT after graduated), DH made 40k. I indicated that I would not be working, so down to 40k. No investments, $2700 in bank, and it figures we can afford $22009 per year. So I guess we pay the mortgage (already refinanced to pay for BS degree), food, health insurance, etc. on $18k. Where do they come up with these numbers? It's so frustrating. There are very few scholarships for post-BS education, so most people get Stafford loans, which is what I'll be doing. Just another vent, plus a warning to really save money for post bachelors degree education. We didn't have anything to start with as far as savings go, and now we will suffer. Nowadays, it seems like a BS or BA degree won't get you very far, almost always need a post-grad degree of some kind, but there are very few resources available to help pay for that kind of education. The 529 plan would have been very helpful to me if it had existed when I was working before I went back to school. To anyone who has the time to save for college- USE IT!