It is not really difficult for a contractor to "ballpark" costs at a meeting, but the problem is that there is tremendous variability with ballpark figures. Depending on some more specifics (like materials to be used on surfaces in the kitchen, types of appliances, etc.), your ballpark can be wa-a-a-ay off. For example, we added a second story, and there was tremendous difference in costs between a staircase that would be carpeted and an oak staircase... then there is variable cost depending on whether the stairway is open or enclosed in a hall, and more variability depending on whether the treads are open on the side or boxed in by the stringer. And that's just the options for a stairwell. So I'm not sure it's a bad thing for the contractor to have the prints to review more thoroughly, but I think it would be very helpful to still have the meeting including both the architect and contractor AFTER the contractor has an opportunity to review.
On the other hand, I would be a bit hesitant both about the negativity you are feeling from the contractor AND working on such a major project with "family." Can be a recipe for difficulties, especially in a situation already wrought with opportunities for conflict and communication difficulties. Just my 2 cents.

The builder works for you. The project hasn't even started and according to you, he's giving you attitude.

Often times architects liaise between the builder and the homeowner during construction. If he's not up for getting paid to sit down and have a cup of coffee now, will he take constructive input from the architect, or from you. later during the project?

You're stuck with a timeline, with a pregnancy, with all sorts of expectations...if you could get any builder to take over the project tomorrow, would you? If so, think about taking a delay to get a new builder.

You need to have a frank discussion with the builder. No nonsense, all business...after all this IS business. Get the concerns out of the way now. If he wants to work with you, then he needs to show that. If not, tell him to walk.

An unproductive relationship during a major remodel can add weeks or months to a timeline and tens of thousands of dollars to a budget.

You two haven't even opened the book and you're already on different pages. Figure this out now before any more money or time is wasted.

Both your builder and architect should have base sqft prices for construction in your area. A certian price for basements, another for garages, another for heated space, unfinished space, decks, kitchens, baths, etc.

There are multipliers that then factor in the quality of construction and the detail of finish. They are very much ballpark, but close enough to give you the confidence to proceed with what you have planned or scare you into altering your plans.

Schedule a meeting. Invite all parties. Let both your builder and his wife know that attendance is mandatory. Whoever doesn't show is fired.

It's business. It's also a huge emotional and financial investment on your behalf. Treat is with the seriousness that it deserves.

Best, Mongo (about as far from Seattle as you can get...CT)

Wanted to add one more thing....

I can pretty much look over a set of architect's drawings and tell if what is drawn can be built. On almost every set of plans that I review, there's always something wrong. It's SO convenient to have the architect sitting across the table so I can ask about these problems and either get their input as to how to solve them or to offer mine.

I'll also ask questions about the plans...traffic flow, lifestyle utilization, why this and not that. Much of that is inputting my desires into the plans, much is also seeing where we can reduce of add on to the plas to improve usage and to get the most bang for the buck.

THEN I take the plans home and come up with pricing.

Be VERY careful with allowances. Make sure that you can actually complete the job for the amount of the allowance. Example, accepting a $5000 allowance in the contract for having 2500 sq ft of hardwood floooring installed and finished will automatically give you a $10,000-$15,000 cost overrun.

Make sure the allowances are reasonable. On some you should be able to pick a lesser material and save money, on others you shoul dbe able to upgrade to a premium material and it will cost you. But you should be able to get an "average" material for the allowance.

I have a feeling that you won't even get started before the baby comes! Seriously, if the contractor is giving you attitude now, before you even start, then just imagine how bad it can get from there. because it bever gets better.

Talk to your architect about contractors that he likes working with.

Wish I had better news, but it is better go slow and carefully than get yourself into a real mess.