You mean there are not really igloos for houses in ND? And people do live there?

Application for Minnesota Citizenship
Personal Information:
Name ___________________son
Sex: ___ Ole ___ Lena

Home Address ________________ Cabin Address ________________

Religion: _____ Lutheran ______ Catholic

Income: ____We do OK ____We're Blessed ____None of your beeswax

Qualifications: (check all that apply)
___ I own a gas powered ice auger.
___ Fargo floods hit a little close to home.
___ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at the Mayo
___ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at Hazelton
___ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow.
___ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk. ___ I liked it!
___ I've been to a block party.
___ My first beer was a Grain Belt.
___ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car.
___ I have a back up set of jumper cables in my trunk.
___ Despite what everyone else says I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT! (For sure, you bet I don't.)

True/ False:
___ I actually listen to telemarketers.
___ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER!
___ TV news anchors are celebrities.
___ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere.
___ It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band!
___ They mistake pop for "soda" or "coke" in most other states.
___ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate.
___ Paw is both a hand and the male parent.

Multiple Choice:
It's time to wear a hat when.
A) The temperature is below 10 degrees.
B) Your mother tells you to!
C) The temperature is -10 and the wind chill is in double digits.

Essay Question:
What "UFF-DA" means to me ____________________________________

You know you're from Minnesota when.....

-Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor.
-"Vacation" means going to Brainerd for the weekend.
-You measure distance in hours.
-You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
-You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
-You use a down comforter in the summer.
-Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.
-You see people wearing hunting clothes to social events.
-You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both doors unlocked.
-You think of the major food groups as venison, walleye, and Grain Belt.
-You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
-There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the grocery store at any given time.
-You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
-Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
-You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel p.j.'s.
-You know all four seasons; almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
-It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're a rush because you have to stop to talk to everyone in town.
-You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Minnesota.

What some folks call jokes, we consider serious stuff. So let's talk about other states!

What do you call 100 tractors circling the White Castle in Iowa?
Prom night

That settles it. I'm not going to Minnesota. LOL!

Well then, you'll probably love our slogans!

Minnesota State Slogans
-I came, I thawed, I transferred.
-Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.
-If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.
-Minnesota - where visitors turn blue with envy.
-Save a Minnesotan - eat a mosquito.
-One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
-Minnesota - home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
-Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world.
-Minnesota - come fall in love with a loon.
-Land of many cultures - mostly throat.
-Where the elite meet sleet.
-Minnesota: CLOSED FOR GLACIER REPAIRS.
-Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.
-Minnesota - glove it or leave it.
-Minnesota - have you jump started your kid today?
-Many are cold, but few are frozen.
-Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa!
-WARNING: You are entering Minnesota, Please use an alternate route!
-Minnesota: theater of sneezes.
-Jack Frost must like Minnesota - he spends half his life there.
-Land of 10,000 Petersons.
-Land of the ski and home of the crazed.
-Minnesota - home of the Mispi-Mispp-Missispp (Where the damn river starts!)
-10,000 lakes and no sharks!
And My Favorite
-There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota: Colder, Older, & Fatter

HOW THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF MICROSOFT WAS LOCATED IN GEORGIA

* Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders."

* Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.

* Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

* Instead of "Yes," "No," or "Cancel," dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right," "Naw," or "Git."

* Instead of "Ta-Dah!" the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos."

* The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.

* Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"

* Instead of "Start Me Up," the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie."

* Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt."

* Instead of "VP," Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz."

* Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

* Daisy Duke screen saver.

* "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."

* Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.

* Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.

* "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.

* One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12-gauge shotgun.

* "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson" screen saver.

* Directions to Corporate Headquarters: "Down the road a block or so."

* Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker, "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me."

The Minnesota state bird is the misquito. Some unknowing dude from out of state wasted a lot of shotgun shells on them until he found there weren't good to eat - tough to stuff and mount on the wall, too!

Even though DH often visited family in Minnesota (Petersens of course), he claims to never have heard of either 'hot dish' or 'uf dah'. Must have had frost in his ears. He does tell me that the state tree of North Dakota is the telephone pole.

BTW, as I understand it, the first Scandinavians to settle in Minnesota arrived during a freakishly warm period. They wrote home about this farming 'Eden' and more emigrated. Too soon the weather went back to normal patterns.

I live in Michigan now, but was in Minnesota for nearly 14 years. One of my retired work friends sent this to me a while back:

Pilot Mound is in the News..........
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the California newspapers read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, "The Tribune ', a local newspaper in Chatfield, Minnesota reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 meters near Pilot Mound, a small village in South East Minnesota, Ole Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing (he had help digging from his buddy Sven). Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless."

We Minnesotans also love to tell jokes about Iowans.

Why does Minnesota exist?
To protect Canada from Iowa.

Why do geese fly upside down over Iowa?
There's nothing worth cr@pping

Ron

I live in Massachusetts... need I say more. We are going to pay for welfare recipients to have an automobile , all expenses paid, plus AAA for 1 year.. courtesy of the hard working taxpayers of this joke of a state.
Isn't that just so typical!!

One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house.

Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat der baseball cap a floatin' away from da house, den back again?"

Lena said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole; I tole dat lazy-such and such he vasgonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!!!!

+ + + + + But WAIT! There's MORE! + + + + +

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.

+ + + + + But WAIT! There's MORE! + + + + +

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

+ + + + + But WAIT! There's MORE! + + + + +

Ole and Lena was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared.

"Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

Two days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said:

"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets."

Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street.

A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared:

"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out.

"Park it where?" Ole asked in the dark, "What should I do?"

"Aw, to heck with them, Ole," Lena said, "Don't worry about it today. Just leave the car in the garage."

+ + + + + But WAIT! There's MORE! + + + + +

When Ole and Lena were young and in love they would got to there favorite spot to park. One night while parked hugging and kissing Ole asks Lena, "Lena how would you like to go in the back?" "No," she replies. So they hug and kiss some more. Again, Ole asks Lena to go in the back. Lena replies, "Ole, why are you always asking me to go in the back, I want to stay in front with you!"

LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

San Diego, California...

A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat.
"He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

Our State is a joke!
But I love it here.

Great! Thanks for all the responses. I had no idea.

A Wyoming senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, ' Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Wyoming State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

Say It S-l-o-w-l-y
A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it -- KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME?
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a restaurant to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress; "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?"

The woman looked at him and said; "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

Rules For Visiting Minnesota

1) Don't order tofu or pasta primavera at Johnson's Cafe. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your butt.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns: Fertile, Moorhead, Climax, Cummings, Gentilly, or we will just HAVE to kick your butt.

3) Don't ask for a soda here. Up here it's called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your butt.

5) We have stoves and use them. We have well over 10,000 lakes and enjoy fishing them. Fresh cooked fish is a delicacy to be enjoyed by all. Don't try passing off sashimi to us, we call that "bait". If you try to get us to eat it, we'll have to kick your butt.

6) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the heck out of here or we'll kick your butt.

7) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hotdish is or we'll kick your butt.

8) Don't try to fake a Minnesota accent. We don't have an accent. Stations nationwide come to the midwest to get people because of the lack of an accent. Do NOT mention the movie "Fargo" as that will incite a riot and you will get your butt kicked.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city like Detroit, New York, and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Northwest Airlines is ready when you are. And don't call it Delta. It's been Northwest since it changed from Northwest Orient. If you don't like it, move your butt on home before it gets kicked.

10) Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's 10 below zero then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. Also, if you hog the beer in the fish house we'll kick your butt.

11) Don't complain that Minnesota doesn't really have 10,000 lakes, we actually have around 22,000, so if you whine we'll kick your butt all the way back to the desert you call home.

12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the north woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your butt.

14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the Vikings and the Twins suck (only Minnesotans and true fans can knock'em down). If you do, this will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box minus your butt.

and 15) Have a good day now!

I think Minneosta is winning for the number of jokes, with California running second. I'm loving this thread. My mother in law was 100% Norwegian and my kids were raised on Ole and Lena jokes!