What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of

kacram

16 years ago

leaves?........Russel! (get it? rustle? ahahahhaha)

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liljunkr
16 years ago
what do you call a short psychic running from the law.......

............A small medium at large.
kacram
Original Author
16 years ago
hahahahahahahahahahaha

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
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cynic
16 years ago
What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs?
Wet

What was the name of the limbless guy that worked at the soda plant?
Tab

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
Dusty

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who left a smudge on your floor?
Mark

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

---

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been scr*wed?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

---
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my d@mn ears, then two seconds before the whistle, some a$$hole puts a swimming cap on me!"
Jasdip
16 years ago
Oh God! These are hilarious. I only knew the first few. I couldn't even think of any to make up. Way to go guys!!!!
Jasdip
16 years ago
Msmarion, I'm laughing just as hard as your comment about "living in a thermos bottle!" THAT's funny!
Kathsgrdn
16 years ago
Ok, I have one to add: What do you call a hooker with no legs?

a nightcrawler
Kathsgrdn
16 years ago
Oh shoot, I told that wrong...it's no arms OR legs. I can't tell a joke to save my life, even when typing out...geez.
cynic
16 years ago
A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, 'life isn't so bad after all', and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly. "My butthole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

------

Joe goes to pick up his blind date at her house and when he gets there he finds out she has no arms and no legs. He's a good sport, so he picks her up, puts her in his car, and takes her to a movie. When the movie's over, he picks her up again and puts her back in the car.

She says, "Do you have any rope in the car?"

He says, "Rope? Why yes, I have some rope."

She says, "Do you know that big old oak with the real low limb down the dark corner of the park?"

Joe says, "Yeah."

She says, "Why don't you take us there?"

When they get there, she has Joe get out the rope, undress her, and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to suspend her from the limb. And then, they proceed to have the wildest sex that Joe has ever had. When they're done, Joe drives her home, carries her inside, and puts her on the living room couch.

As he's leaving, her father grabs him by the arm and says, "Here, son," and goes to hand Joe a hundred dollars.

Joe says, "I can't take that, sir."

Her father says, "Please, son, take the money."

Joe says, "I can't, sir. You see ... I had sex with your daughter."

Her father says, "Of course you did. But at least you didn't leave her hanging from that dang tree!"
Jasdip
16 years ago
Hahahhaaa Cynic. You're enjoying these far too much!!
hounds_x_two
16 years ago
What do you call they guy with no arms and no legs, who just rang your doorbell?

Dick
Jamie_LA
16 years ago
OMG! I soooo needed this! Thanks for the laughs.
Jasdip
16 years ago
Hounds.....I'd call him popular! ;-)
jeaninwa
16 years ago
OMG...I was laughing so hard, I couldn't see to read the next one....and the next one...and the next one....
ronf_gw
16 years ago
wow, Cynic, what a promotion!

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Ron
cynic
16 years ago
What do you call a girl with no arms or legs and gets used to catch butterflies?
Annette

There was a man who got into a car accident.
He was soon rushed to the hospital. The left side of his body was completely paralyzed.

The doctor said, "He's going to be all right."
bluejeans4ever
16 years ago
You guys are a riot! LOL LOL

I'm keeping all of these!

Keep 'em coming!

BJ
cynic
16 years ago
Getting off topic so maybe this should be under a new thread.... but....

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartenders asks "What'll ya have?" and the baby seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club!!!"

:)
User
16 years ago
I'm offended! I had to read every joke just to make sure. LOL!

What do you call a dog with no legs?
- -
- -
- It doesn't matter. He's not coming to you.

Q: How do you know that a blonde did your landscaping?

A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the lawn.

How about some Silly Sally jokes.

Silly Sally's grandma yelled for her to get down from a tree after church because she said the boys were looking at her underwear under her dress. Silly Sally just laughed because she didn't have any underwear on.

Sally was in the movie and the guy next to her put his hand in her blouse. Silly Sally laughed and laughed because she knew her money was in her shoe.

Silly Sally walked into the barn one day and saw a bunch of flies a top a pile of cow poop. Silly Sally just laughed and laughed and laughed. Silly Sally just knew them flies couldn't poop that much.
cynic
16 years ago
A bear and a rabbit were doing their business in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Excuse me, but do you have any trouble with stuff sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "Why no, I don't."

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit....
hounds_x_two
16 years ago
What do you call the girls with no arms and no legs you find in your hanging basket?

Fern and Ivy
dotmom
16 years ago
How do you make a baby float????
****
****
****
Well, you start with two scoops of ice cream.

Politically incorrect, be damned. These are funny. I printed them out yesterday morning and they were the hit at our gathering yesterday, with some of the company adding their own. Dottie
ronf_gw
16 years ago
A skunk, a deer and a giraffe walk into a bar and order drinks.
Before the bartender serves them he asks, "Who's going to pay?"
The skunk says, "All I have is a scent."
The deer says, "I had a buck last Fall but it's long gone."
The giraffe says, "I guess the high balls are on me."

Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks.

Ron
Cherryfizz
16 years ago
LOLOL

Om my goodness these bring back memories of my nieces spending the day telling these "what do you call" jokes over and over.

Don't worry Kathleen. I am bad at telling and I am sure writing jokes too. Love to read them though. LOL

Anne
pplantlady
16 years ago
Who's the guy with no arms and legs that got sick on the rollercoaster?

Ralph
bulldinkie
16 years ago
YOU PEOPLE, GO TO YOUR ROOMS..NOW!!!!!!!!!
cynic
16 years ago
What do you do when your wife's staggering?
Shoot her again.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
Give 'er a shovel.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
carol_in_california
16 years ago
Cynic, that last one is so funny......mostly because it could be true at our house.
ruthieg__tx
16 years ago
haha all good ones...Have to say that I'm surprised though that no one has come in to say how highly offended they are that you guys are laughing at handicaps...

Loved them all...most I hadn't even heard....and I haven't lived a sheltered life.
kathy_
16 years ago
Oh now you did it, I need to tell my favorite Helen Keller joke

How did her mother punish her? Moved the furniture...
golfergrrl
16 years ago
How did HK burn her fingers?
She tried to read the waffle iron.
liljunkr
16 years ago
How did HK burn her ear?

She answered the Iron........

*******

I'm gonna start the ELEPHANT jokes! OHHHHH NOOOOO

How can you tell an elephant from a prune?

Prunes are purple and wrinkled,
Elephants are gray and wrinkled.

*******

Whats red an white on the outside and gray on the inside?

Campbell's cream of elephant soup.

*********

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants?

Look Elephants!
************
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants?

Look prunes! Jane was color blind!
*****************

Groan

LIL
jean_mi_z5
16 years ago
How do you keep an elephant from charging?
. .
. .
. .
Take away his credit card!!!
ronf_gw
16 years ago
How do you shoot a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a pink elephant?

Did you say with a pink elephant gun?

No...you squeeze their trunk until they turn blue and then use your blue elephant gun.

Ron
cynic
16 years ago
Why did Michael Jackson enjoy having sex with twenty-eight year olds?
Because there were twenty of them!

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
jean_mi_z5
16 years ago
How do you kill a green elephant?

Tell it a dirty joke until it blushes and turns red, then strangle it until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a yellow elephant?

What are you talking about? There are no yellow elephants!
liljunkr
16 years ago
How do you know there is an elephant hiding in your fridge?

He leaves tracks in the butter dish.
***************************

How do you get rid of an elephant hiding in your fridge?

Turn the temperature as cold as you can. The elephant will get to cold, turn blue and come out of the fridge. Then you shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
jean_mi_z5
16 years ago
How do you get down off an elephant?
. .
. .
. .
. .
. .
. You don't, you get down off of a goose.
grinch_gut
16 years ago
Cracked me up! Stacy
amyfiddler
16 years ago
Must be told in a redneck backwoods accent:

What do you call.... a deer, with no eyes?

I have no - I - deer.

What do you call....a deer, with no eyes and no legs?

I "still" - have no - I - deer.
okwriter
16 years ago
I have avoided looking at this thread for several days, thinking I could just SOB and it would drop off.

It has remained on the front page, so today I looked.

And this is how we celebrate Memorial Day, a holiday to commemorate soldiers who've died in service.
We tell jokes about people with no arms and legs...when thousands of our soldiers today return home missing limbs.

Sorry, but I am appalled.
liljunkr
16 years ago
Sorry you are so appalled okwriter . Maybe you should have followed your first thought and not read the thread.

My Husband, a Viet Nam Vet is minus one eye and part of one leg and part of an arm. He laughed and told some of these jokes himself. My dear neighbor (CT's widower) also a Vet and paralyzed from the mid chest down laughed and told some of these too. If the Men who fought and were injured forever can tell and laugh at these jokes They have a better outlook than anyone else.

When I read your post to the DH he said to tell you something.
"I would bet you are a nice lady and really have a big heart. I wish you could be in my shoe for a few minutes. I think you should un-bunch your panties and lighten up. The jokes beat the pity or feigned concern from those who don't know what our lives are like in the real world. We make Gymp jokes all the time in the VA clinics. You being appalled at a few jokes is more offensive than the jokes because you see us as unable to be anything but disabled. If your so concerned about the welfare/feelings of amputee Vets then maybe write your congressman. Tell Congress to stop the medical cutbacks to VETS. Give the men and women what they deserve for the sacrifices made. Give them the needed physical and mental treatments. Make sure they have an income and affordable housing. It would be a much better use of your time and energy than posting a condemnation of the thread to the site. "

Dutch

Don't shoot the messenger please. I didn't even open the door.
LIL
hounds_x_two
16 years ago
This thread started days before Memorial Day, and I do not think there was any intended connection, what-so-ever. I am fairly certain that a bunch of really bad puns and "oldie-but-goodie" jokes have nothing to do with how any of us observe this solemn event...or how we deal, day-to-day, with loved ones who have profound and life-changing injuries/situations.
okwriter
16 years ago
You're right. I should have kept my mouth shut.

I write so many articles for active duty service members and returning veterans that I am a little over sensitive.

Carry on....................
cynic
16 years ago
Well said liljunkr, and BRAVO Dutch! You show what's still great about this country and that there *is* hope for the future.

okwriter, you showed some class in this last comment. I frankly didn't expect it and it was a pleasant surprise and I give the devil their due. Being overly sensitive occasionally happens to all of us and what separates people is when they're willing to recognize it and accept it and not blame the rest of the world. I'd offer a pat on the back but these days the risk of sexual harassment prohibits it! ;)

But now... blast it... now I have to re-write things! OK, here we go:

How did the guy with no arms and legs get hurt raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs floating in a bayou?
A Billy Bobber

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs mixed in the garden?
Pete

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in Probate Court?
Will

What do you call a dog with no arms or legs in front of a steam roller?
"Spot"

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
Corduroy
lilliepad
16 years ago
Lil-Give your DH a great big hug for me and while you're at it take one over to your dear neighbor!
I have never heard some of these and laughed so much while reading them that my adult kids sitting in the front yard asked me what was wrong with me.LOL The window was open and the computer is right in front of it.I started reading them off to them and they were all just cackling!
liljunkr
16 years ago
Oakwriter DH's comments RE keeping your mouth shut

okwriter, You are a gracious lady. Your have passion and are sensitve that is good. We Vets also fought for the first amendment. "Never keep your mouth closed but first open your ears, eyes, heart and mind." I try always to see and hear the info presented, filter it through my heart then my open mind before I open my mouth to speak. It seems to work very well and My mouth is slammed shut often until I revise my words from the first knee-jerk reaction."
Dutch
coffeemom
16 years ago
How do you know Elephants are practicing safe sex?

All your black trash bags are missing.
mimi_boo
16 years ago
From my nephew Nick:

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a forest fire?

Bernie

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs and empties a bathtub?

Dwayne.

LOL!
notjannaz10
16 years ago
What's red and green, red and green, red and green?
An aligator in a blender.

What's red green and black, red green and black, red green and black? An aligator in a blender three days later.

so sez my co-worker, Linda

Jann
trinitytx
16 years ago
My husband is a right arm amputee. He lost his arm while in the Navy serving his country.
I think these jokes are hilarious! I have heard many of them growing up, and it is fun to read them again.
My DH loves "one armed" jokes and can bust up good with anybody. He even hit his first hole in one on the golf course after losing his arm.

So...it is all good, and fun is fun....

Trin

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of

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kacram
Original Author