I am a DIL and live on a farm with three kids, 7 yo, 5 yo and 14 months. I used to work full time and tried to keep up all the house work. I was major league stressed and the kids felt it. You can't enjoy your kids when you are yelling at them to pick up or getting mad because they have made yet another mess! I don't have a really clean house. I keep up on the dishes, laundry, must sweep my large kitchen floor twice a day and vacuum when needed. My DH is NOT neat. He is like having a 4th child and I tell him this all the time. He can be neat when he wants and when he gets tired of something the way it is, will clean or organize. We have a challenge with the kids and their rooms. My 5 yo DS pulls everything out of his drawers when looking for clothes to wear. My 7 yo DD throws her clean/dirty clothes and everything else on the floor and then when told to clean up, shoves it under her bed! I did not have a mother who took care of my toys and clothes. I did, if I wanted them to be around. I do not want to run around keeping everything as it was, meaning keeping track of all their things. If they want it and like it, they should take care of it. We try to teach them about respect of their things. When they are somewhere else, they have respect for others things, just not their own. I have a large veggie garden, 50 rose bushes, 3 horses, chickens, 2 dogs and cats. I can not put all my effort (and do not want to, it does not make me happy) into keeping a spotless house. I don't like dusting. But I do all the yard work, scoop dog poop so the kids can play in a clean yard and take care of all the animals. Not to mention cooking, dishes, kids baths everynight, homework, reading bedtime stories, and then their needs to be time for me!(I have not been horseback riding in over 2 months) :( When we are having company over, like my Dad, who is anal about housework and does it himself, I clean like a mad woman. Although, I don't know why because he probably still thinks it is not clean enough. This is probably how your DIL feels. Life is too short and we all need to have some fun everyday. Don't stress over things that really aren't going to matter in the long run. I would rather have my kids be happy and playing than me running around yelling at them to clean up all the time. Just had to do some venting, this is a hot spot for me as well in my own house. Sorry it is so long.

mounshadou, first let me say I am sorry for your current situation with your family. I too have had family members speak untruths about me which broke my heart. Words of advice? Don't get caught up in the drama. As much as you can turn the other cheek and keep going on with your life as you would. I know it's extremely hard when it happens over and over again. Call your mother when you want to. And offer to sit down and talk with your son or DIL to straighten everything out. If they refuse at least you know you've done all you could to work it out. Eventually your family will realize the truth - mine did.

Lisa, I can see where you are confused. When I said our youngest son "treats us wonderful", I mean he calls every night, he visits frequently, we go out to eat together, he calls when I'm sick, etc. He does things a son should do to show love. Our oldest son seldom calls us, seldom comes to visit, never knows when we've been gone a week on vacation, etc. I should have said he treats "me" wonderful. His dad rarely calls either one of our sons, until I remind him he hasn't called them in months. He doesn't even know our youngest son's home phone number. Maybe this is just a man thing, but something I'm not used to. Re: the one acre. This acre of land was given to our son strictly by me, not my DH. For years, I have asked my DH to sell this big house so we could get out of debt before retirement, and we could pay cash for a nicer/smaller home. We had this one acre to build on. He said he would NEVER build a house on that lot and to never ask him again (we had this land surveyed as two lots and this one acre is a corner lot and he doesn't like corner lots). One day when our youngest son was visiting, I said, "why don't you build on this acre and start building up equity in a home, and quit paying rent?" I was surprised when he later called me and said he did want to build on this acre. Surprised because he left our home because he couldn't get along with his dad (a combination of youth on his part and depression/anger on DH's part). I felt like I was doing something good; to help him get a start in life. I won't even go into the negative comments I have heard from my DH (my son knows nothing about these comments and never will, but I'm sure he knows his dad has said things. He doesn't need to know "words" that would hurt him that come from a mentally ill person. He even asked me not to tell him anything negative his dad said. I know his dad is happy for him, as he walks over to the land daily to see what progress is being made, and today wanted to buy him a refrigerator for his home, and that's a lot of money. (This is what depression does to you; the mood swings. I never know when he's going to have a good day or a bad day). I have learned to realize that a lot of things he says, I know he doesn't mean or doesn't realize what he is saying. I also have learned not to get hurt so much over his words and a lot of times I ignore what he says. How else would I be able to live with him so long? LOL! Re. the comment: "neither one of our sons have a good relationship with their father", that is very true! Neither one of our sons would go to their dad with any problem they have. I don't call that a "good" relationship, do you? A son can treat a parent "wonderful", and still not have a good relationship. By "good" relationship, I mean a "close" relationship. There is no doubt he loves his dad, but the closeness I have with my sons, he doesn't have this. I think this is because of his depression and the mood swings brought on by depression. Re: grandchildren. I don't think I have posted anywhere that I am "without" grandchildren. I would never deny my grandchildren. I may not get to see them much at my house, but I have a 6 yr. old granddaughter and a 15 mo. old grandson. I think you are confused as when I said "I want to build a smaller home and be a grandmother", I meant I will finally get to be a "grandmother" when my youngest son has children, to be able to paint the spare bedroom pink or blue, and put a swing set in my yard. (Of course, all this depends on my DH's behavior; and whether they can even have children. He is real close to his fiance & I see a wedding next year. She is moving to his new home as well.) Last summer we went to one of our granddaughter's ballgames and my DH was going to walk to the concession stand with her. Our DIL pitched a fit and told me "she is NEVER to go anywhere with him!" I felt this very rude, and I don't know who heard her. You could see the concession stand from where we were standing, it was very close. She asked him to go with her to get some bubble gum. In Feb. our youngest son invited me to go the circus with them, as he was taking our granddaughter to the circus. Our son said, Mom, I know you have talked so much about wanting to go to the circus, Barnum & Bailey. I said, sure. When our DIL got to his apartment with our granddaughter, she refused to speak to me! I had done nothing to her. She told our son in the parking lot before they came inside that "she wasn't told I was going". This upset me so much, I couldn't hold the tears back. She stormed in his apartment, totally ignoring me, and they left after she told our son "we will be here to pick her up". I told them "oh, there's no reason for you to have to get out at 12:00. I'll drop her off." I followed them to their car, she got in with our grandson, and I asked my oldest son, "why can't I bring her home?" He just said we'll come get her, and he got in the car and left. He seemed embarassed, and he didn't know what to say to me. He had to do what she said, regardless of who it hurt, and just left me standing there in the parking lot. Since this circus incident, I have not been to their house much. So there is more than one side to all this mess - my DH's depression and behavior and my DIL's control/anger, sometimes unwarranted by both of them, and me just going with the flow. I hope this helps clear up any confusion. I am just trying to live one day at a time, not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I am not unhappy in my marriage as someone has suggested. We have a lot of wonderful days and a lot of good times together. I am unhappy mostly because of this difficult situation and longing to be a grandmother. I just wasn't willing to "give" if they weren't going to "give", but after reading these replies, I don't feel like I have any other choice. Maybe if I give first and show them more love, they will slowly start caring more. All the replies I have received has helped me realize that unless I change myself, I am going to be missing out on a lot of closeness with my grandchildren and I would have no one to blame except myself. There are many days I get off work early and I could head toward my DIL's house. I say I have no hard feelings toward her, but I have a lot of resentment, so I just stay away. My DH works both Sats. & Suns. and I have plenty of time. p.s. I have never asked if I could take our granddaughter to McDonalds or anywhere with just the two of us because I have always felt guilty doing that behind my husband's back, as I know he would never be allowed to do this. I feel like that would be mistreating him by me doing that, so maybe I need to change my way of thinking on this.

Charmo, I went through Kingston a couple of weeks ago on the train on my way to Montreal. I went there to meet a fellow garden junker from gardenjunk.org. We had a grand time in Montreal! Maybe another time. They have huge rhubarb leaves here, so we are gonna have some fun with them this week now that the work is done.