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The Kitchen Table

When you 'visit' someone

16 years ago

please don't stay for TEN HOURS!!!! One of Rachel's friends wanted to come see me. I don't mind, but to stay TEN hours is ridiculous!!! Geeze, we're still grieving!!!! And, I'm not the type to say anything. UGH!

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Comments (14)

mariend
16 years ago
Just sending hugs to you, and yes I know how you feel. If this happens again, be honest, and say something like, I appreciate you droping by, and maybe we can get together in the future, but I have too much to do at this time, as you are walking the person to the door. I know she/he is grieving too, but sometimes tough love and honesty is the best. Again hugs to you
Marie
des_arc_ya_ya
16 years ago
Aww...I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Maybe she felt by coming to see you it would help her somehow get through it easier. It was probably just thoughtlessness on her part.

When my dad died, one of my mom's friends from high school came and stayed all afternoon. We were both physically worn out by the time she left. When you're grieving you don't want to have to work at having a conversation with anybody! They hadn't seen each other in a while and we had to really push it to get through the afternoon.

((Jamie))
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Different people use the word "friend" differently, so a lot of this is semantics. I tend to extend "friend" much more broadly than my husband, who has zero people he considers friends. But the lesson is what is necessary to be successful in group situations--manners and civility, which seem to be on the wane in today's society, but I don't think that is a good thing or something I would want my kid to emulate. I have this argument with my husband all the time, knowing what is and is not appropriate to say in group settings. I grew up in a small town, I learned early on to avoid gossip and trash talking anyone, ever. You never know you might be speaking to their cousin or brother-in-law!! :) My grandmother survived in her tiny village in Poland during World War I because she could get along with all sides in the conflict and smuggle resources into her town to keep people alive . . .Hence I grew up with an emphasis of not making enemies although also was taught to have principles and to stand up for them . . . just do so in a way as to not alienate those around me . . . easier said than done . . . Look at all the people who are suffering because of snarky things they have said publicly. I am in the camp that says best to err on the side of civility which is not the same thing as agreeing or supporting things that clash with your values. It's just a matter of knowing how to chose your battles. A good life would not be a constant battle ground, but it is for some people. I would definitely want my child to learn to find some ways to develop inner strength/peace/serenity or whatever the right word is. It's a life long struggle. My Mom's mantra was the "Serenity Prayer." But of course no matter how many times we discussed this concept, it never totally went away because that's life. However, my mother was quite successful professionally because she learned to overlook certain things and just keep moving forward, not get bogged down by drama. As a teacher and person who gives public program and raises money, I had to learn to never, ever speak ill of anyone, it just isn't worth it, life is long, people and circumstances change, one never knows. On the one hand. But on the other hand, if the hitting bothered your daughter and she asked her friend to stop and she didn't, they you daughter has every right to distance herself from that behavior. I would just advise your daughter not to rush to put people in the "friend/not friend" category. Just treat all people with dignity but also you can detach from the drama that troubled people might bring into your life. This is not the strong suit of a teenager, but a good skill to develop. Otherwise, your life could be much more stressful if you don't learn techniques for tamping down interpersonal drama in your life. One has to be able to do what my Mom advised, not make other people's problems your own. You have to be able to be in this world, experience the drama, but not get pulled into it. A good technique is to focus on projects and actions, not personalities. A tough balancing act, one that teenagers have to learn to navigate and it can be tough even for adults. Trust is tricky. There's a whole other dynamic too, being liked vs being a doormat vs being mean and unlike-able. It's just a balancing act we all have to perform . . . Detachment has not been my strong suit, and I've often wondered if it is possible to develop more of it or if it is just in your genes . . . vs passion . . . and then when to hold it and when to play it ???
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socks
16 years ago
How exhausting. Sorry!
FlamingO in AR
16 years ago
Oh, wow. That's an incredibly long visit. Yeah, Marie nailed it with her suggestion. Possibly, the girl wasn't comfortable being the one to set the visit time limit and she hated to make the first move to leave. She might be at home going "and I had to stay there for TEN hours!" :) Somebody has to be the one to make the first "time for you to go now" move. I would choose for that person to be me, frankly, unless they beat me to it.

(((((Jamie)))))
patti43
16 years ago
OMG, I can't imagine how uncomfortable that must have been for you. I think Flamingo's right that she just didn't know how to leave gracefully. Next time, don't think of it as rude. It's your home and your time, my dear. It's such a bad time for you.
Jamie_LA
Original Author
16 years ago
And to make matters worse, she suffers from ADD, and literally wore me out just watching her. It was Lance's Prom, we had to leave to take pics, she didn't get the hint, just got in my car and went along. When she originally asked if she could come visit, I thought it'd be a couple hours, not ten. I know that sounds rude, but dang, Rachel's only been gone 2 weeks, we're still having BAD BAD days. And, I've still got soooo many things to do. We're going Wed. to get her things, that is going to kill me all over again.
vicki_lv_nv
16 years ago
Jamie...I missed your post. I am so very sorry for the loss of Rachel. May your days get easier and remember, "Perhaps they are not stars but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy". My heart aches for you during this time.

I, too, believe she didn't know how to end the visit. My thoughts will be with you on Wednesday.
FlamingO in AR
16 years ago
Ohhhh. She was bored and wanted to hang out at your house, now it's obvious. I think you'll need to be more abrupt and brusque, Jamie, since she doesn't take hints well. She's acting a bit like a child so feel free to treat her like one.

Can't you send someone else to pick up Rachel's things, sweetie? Spare yourself some pain, you'll still have it all to go through once you get it.

(((((Jamie)))))
hayjud_mn
16 years ago
I'm sure this young gal ment well, but most young people have not yet experienced such a visit and have no idea how exhausting it is for you. I like Marie's suggestion. Be careful so you can control your schedule. Sometimes you need to be blunt. I know that is easier said then done.

(((Jamie)))
Jamie_LA
Original Author
16 years ago
I agree with ya, Pooks! She actually kept saying she had nothing to do that day.
My sister is gonna help us, her roommate said she didn't have much. I know for a fact nothing big in the line of furniture, cause she already had a bed there and dresser. It's mostly boxing up clothes, and personal things. And I kinda want to go. Her roommate told me to come, cause her room smelled soooo much like her. I know that's hard to understand, but, I just wanna go.
Thank you Vicki, and everyone.
hallngarden
16 years ago
Jamie, I think of you often, but especially on Wednesday when you pick up Rachel's things. Just take your time, have a friend whose son died several years ago. She was saying, just going into his room, she could still smell him and that was a comfort to her. We all have to grieve in our own way. Just know that we care.
homemadecountrylife
16 years ago
My sincere condolences to you and your family. I am so sorry this happend. I'm saying a prayer for you and your family.

I do understand what you are going through. My father passed away suddenly and a family we once knew years ago, made a 20+ hour drive from 4 states away, wanted to visit with us for "just a bit". They ended up coming to our house right after the funeral for 5 hours!! We hadn't seen them in a few years but STILL!! Please give us a DAY to greive!We didn't know how to say "Please Leave" nicely. So I understand what you went through, and after that day, I realized I needed to learn to stand up for us/myself. Noone should have to tell someone to give them some space.
Additionally, the day my Dad died, a couple drove over to my Mom's (a 2 hour drive) uninvited, with out warning and stayed for 5 hours as well!! Needless to say, my Mom was just wrung out for the next month, as was all of our family.

I'll be praying for you while you get your daughter's things.
jannie
16 years ago
I remember once my husband's brother and wife came over afdter dinner to sit and chat. I was so tired by 1 am, I was falling asleep. I went up stairs and got ready for bed. Then I came down and wished them "Good Night". They finally left. That was certainly awkward.
mamatoad
16 years ago
Jamie, I hope you don't mind that I am sending you an e-mail. Bettye/AZ

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