Hey guys... just reading that poem makes me cry again. I still cry every day. It's really hard when you're by yourself at night. I miss Danny. I made a shrine to him in my room. It's been a few months now and though the pain isn't... as consuming, it's still with me all the time. The time we had together, his youthful eyes and laughter, they haunt me, you know. It's still not right that we are here "enjoying" life and it is over for him, so young, so full of potential. I keep wondering why it has to be this way. And why he couldn't have been pulled out of the water, why those boys who were with him don't care about us, because they never call. I keep wishing I was old enough to start a family, that my ex boyfriend was a good man so I could give into his pressure to go home. But my path is set.... it's so strange but in the aftermath I see clear evidence that we (mom and I) are doing as God intends, that he has plans for us and taking my brothers away are part of the plan. For my mother at least, no clearer evidence could have been presented that God is here and He does care. My mom was devastated to be here, after her head cleared. She quit her well paying corporate job to slave away for my vengeful, tyrannical father. Things were not looking good - on top of the grief she had to suffer his abuse to pay the bills. She was depressed and felt she made a huge mistake in the wake of the grief. I felt bad b/c I insisted that God wanted us here, to help my Dad (before he betrayed us) to be where Dan was, to be in this small town away from the city, away from my ex bf. I prayed and I really thought we were doing the right thing. Even at the worst I encouraged her that somehow, God would come through - I could feel it. And He did. Out of a pool of 462 applicants in a town of 50,000, *my mother* was chosen to be the business manager/instructor for the only scuba diving school in the entire area. Her new job is about as awesome as they come. She not only gets paid to learn a new career, scuba instruction, but will be taking 10 paid vacations a year to take clients to places like Australia, the South Pacific, Hawaii and Florida. That we moved here after Dan drowned, and now she has a new career in *underwater life support* is not lost on me. Praise God - if that isn't direct evidence of his Love than I don't know what is. My beautiful mother has suffered so - this bit of security, adventure and hope for quality of life was exactly what she needed. The owner is so nice he won't ever make her dive in the huge brown river that took my brother, though it is the local attraction for his business. We also got to meet the diver who pulled my brother out of the water (bless him, if his body hadn't been recovered or recovered quickly it would have been even more tormenting) and my mom will get to be a volunteer search and rescue diver herself. I don't know what I'm doing. I was supposed to go back to school to finish 8 credits but I blew it off - until January. For some reason I lost my motivation to go to law school. I want to do something else. I don't know what. I will keep praying and maybe God will show me the path. I'd endure just about anything if I could have him back. Death is so unforgiving. A few minutes of being underwater, unconscious, and you can't come back. I've been re-reading "The Lovely Bones" and I really like the way that novel describes Heaven. The little murdered girl wonders why her dearly beloved grandparents aren't in her heaven. It's because she can't let go of watching people on Earth - her family, the investigation, her school. I like to think that Dan is here sometimes, I can almost feel him. But when he is not, he must be enjoying hot rods, powdered mountains and babes in bikinis. There must be babes in his heaven. I am waiting to find the perfect landscape tattoo artist, and then I will get a memorial tattoo in Dan's honor. It will be a silhouette of a snowboarder popping off an impossible cliff, with a burning, brilliant variegated sunset in the background. Dan Krueger, 1986 - 2004, it will say. He was such a good brother. I'm so grateful God has shown himself to me in the blessings and messages, so I know Dan continues on and I will see him again. I just wish he could "enjoy" life. Maybe heaven has all the good parts of life and none of the bad. But you can still feel things. I mourn the loss of his feeling - he loved to feel. We all do. That Dan's opportunity was taken away makes me feel like I should make the most out of life - but I don't know what to do. I'm just saving all the money I'm earning, and being here for mom. Thanks for caring, Lu, and I hope you all are holding up okay. Oh man, now I'm looking at the pictures to post the link. Pictures hurt so bad. These basic ones I've seen, I can hardly bear to look at them, and trying to look at the hundreds of family photos we have in the closet is like trying to breathe underwater. I just can't do it yet. CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY Man, it hurts.

Your story is hard to interpret because it seems...normal...in some ways, but I guess that really depends on the severity and consistancy of it. The fact is, most people manipulate their relationships in at least some ways...that's just how they work. You try to get your brother in a good mood before you ask a favor; Your husband wants an evening of romance so he does the dishes; You want a new expenisve blender so you remind your husband that he spent way too much on his new camera that doesn't even work. Sometimes this manipulation is intentionally, sometimes not, sometimes it's harsher than other times (name calling, etc)....Who knows what is right or wrong or when this manipulating actually becomes abuse? I would bet your husband is a little, if not a lot, insecure so likes to point out your imperfections. But, I wouldn't doubt that he may truly feel you could have an alchohol problem...the fact that you tried to hide it, even made me question it. Not that you should let him control you, but have you thought about (could you?) quit drinking for a period of time...If nothing else, it will not give him that to hold over you? Sometimes people don't realize how a drink or two every night can change their personality. Not sure how conservative you are, but have you thought of reading one of those ultra conservative books about marriage? I saw one of the authors talking the other day and she really didn't seem all that off. If you have a more traditional family and it's not something you're totally against, it may be at least worth a try. I think there's something to the concept of treating your man like he's the best man in the world (especially if he has insecurity problems)...I think it can build up his esteem and he may reflect the good attitude back to you...making the marriage better for all. Obviously, if it makes things worse, or if you are feeling even more controlled by him with no added benefits to you, you may have to consider a different approach. I'm not too sure you are in a severe abusive relationship...Why? Because you are still seeing clearly, recognize you husband's faults, still appear to see yourself as worthy, and are blaming him, not yourself. Most badly abused women have low self esteem and blame themselves for everything wrong in the marriage. If you see yourself getting to that point, get help or get out.

I'd get it if you have a place for it. Otherwise send it to me LOL, it might go well with my Lippi Madonna! Does Babelfish do Latin translations? I looked and didn't see Latin listed. My high school Latin is rusty, but it's mostly names. The first line is the famous "The Senate and the People of Rome" then I think it says something like (I'm assuming "given to" or "in honor of" is implied) "the divine Titus Vespasian, son of ("f." for "filius") the divine Vespasian Augustus" After an emperor died he was deified, hence the "divine" - this was apparently erected after Titus's death, not to celebrate a triumph.

I wound all the bills and the "memories" around a toilet paper roll, put this in a box and wrapped the box real pretty. Had a slit cut in the top where the pulled the money out. I really don't think they paid that much attention to the money after they read the first memory. I think they were just looking for the next memory. It was def. a hit.