I had always heard that showers should not be given by family members. I don't know if that has changed.

I would invite her friends. People she knows. I would personally find it quite awkward to recieve a gift from someone I've never met. Also, I would feel even more awkward telling you I can't come.

I had always heard that showers should not be given by family members. I don't know if that has changed.

To me, that's one of those old, outdated rules. I wouldn't hesitate to break it. In fact, I did just that when my daughter was pregnant 20 years ago. I gave her a baby shower here at the house, and it was a great time.

In this case, my daughter-in-law's mother is breaking the rule. :-)

I wouldn't invite a large number of people this time. I was thinking about just my closer friends. My DIL's family is huge, and I need to talk to her mom about how big she wants the shower to be. I wish it were going to be at one of our homes, but neither of us has the space to accommodate a crowd comfortably.

I hadn't thought about my DIL feeling uncomfortable about gifts from people she hasn't met, but I suppose I should. She used to manage a coffee house, though, and knows tons of people that way. This is getting complicated. :-)

I also need to find out if this is a going to be co-ed shower.

"Should I leave out the friends who have never met my kids?"

Yes leave out the people who do not know your kids.

The thing about a shower (wedding or baby) is it is for friends and family members to give gifts that will be helpful and useful to a new child or couple. You should only invite people who know the parents of the coming child and even more so people who will be interacting with the parents and child after the birth.

I dislike very much being invited to a shower when I do not know the parents of the child or the couple getting married just because I know someone close to them. For instance Your friends are not friends with the soon-to-be parents & probably won't know many of the other guests. This can be an awkward social interaction and uncomfortable for many people.

LIL

Ok, so your son is having a baby and this shower would be for your DIL and maybe him? I would stick to inviting RELATIVES and your extremely close friends (doesn't really matter how well they know her or him - just how close they are to you). I suspect the couple will be having other showers with their own friends?

I'd keep in mind nowadays that many people can barely afford to buy their own family gifts, much less someone's elses... If most of your friends are very well off that may not be a problem, but if not, I'd only invite those you think would think may send a gift or card without being invited to a shower...

I wouldn't invite the lady from down the street who knew your son when he was little, and not invite your best friend of 10 years from work, just because your work friend doesn't know him. I'd go with...who cares about it and would want to go.

Does he have old friends in your area? I'm sorry...does the expectant couple live in your area too, or have they moved away?

A wedding shower you can probably get by with a little more.. because you'd be inviting them to the wedding...but with a baby shower... it's pushing it to ask for a gift from someone who really may not want to be giving one. And the fact that family is giving it will look just like a gift collecting party to some people... so keep that in mind and stick with people who may really want to celebrate the occasion with you whatever their relationship to the couple may be.

Another thing that kind of pops out.. I think inviting friends to a shower for your daughter is one thing...but to one for your son??? I know the times have changed and they have showers for the guys now too, but I still think it's more of a girl related thing and it seems like it's kind of far removed if it's your friends and your DIL.

Our Church recently gave Amber and Alyssa a baby shower and it was just for the church members and the other Grandma. Soon Amber's sisters are giving her a shower and it will only be relatives and a couple of friends of Amber's.

Sue

I think you should invite those people with whom you would want to celebrate. If they have not met your daughter, then I would try to decide if they would enjoy being part of your party and if they enjoyed being updated on the grand news.

I'm glad I asked this question. I have lots of social skills, but when it comes to traditional sorts of things I'm often a little lost.

I have no relatives in the area other than my son and daughter and their families. Yes, my son lives near me. The shower I gave for my daughter was "girls only," but the last two baby showers I attended were co-ed events. Like I said, I need to talk to her mom and find out exactly what they have in mind. It's possible there will be another shower given by the younger friends.

Yes, I would naturally ask myself who cares and who would want to go. And I wouldn't ask anyone who might be struggling financially. Fortunately, in my age group I'm the poor relation. LOL

One reason why I might be a little overly enthusiastic about inviting friends is that those who know me well either know about or have been at my side through some tragic times. I'm delighted to have an opportunity to share something happy with them.

I really don't mean to sound offensive - but if I've never even met the prospective parents, I don't want to sit through a baby shower.

I would however, as a close friend, congratulate you on the birth of your grandchild, and possibly give you a gift to pass on to your son and DIL once the baby is born.

I agree with Mary. I have heard far to many people complain that they have received an invitation from someone they don't even know. Many feel they are only asking for a gift. Myself, I would not invite them. I feel they are my friends, not my childrens. Perhaps you could invite a group over to meet your new grandchild after he ( she) is here. Share your joy with them in that way.

The other thing you may want to consider since they are in town is that this may be their main baby shower. If that is the case, it may be best for you to simply supply a list of his (your sons) friends to invite.

When people have thrown showers for me, they have asked for a list and invited my friends, so you may not even be asked to invite yours. It may not be a "friends-of-the-mothers-shower" but rather a shower you are helping throw for your son and DIL's friends. Of course, you could probably invite your best friend too. I think it will help solve your problem when you know more about the type of shower it is and who is expected to come.

Bottom line, I really can't imagine anyone being upset over being invited. Worse case scenario, they don't want to come and don't. Most true friends will be happy for you.

I got an email invitation to a coworkers baby shower the other day. The ladies in my department chipped in for a gift which I was happy to do.

I did notice that the invitaiton went to every female working at the school....that is over 150. Knowing everyone won't attend I still thought it was a little extreme.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

First, I'd like to point out that shower traditions can be very regional, so what flies in one area might not in another. That said, I have never heard of inviting people to a baby shower who did not know the mother to be. Around here close friends and relatives of the parents to be are invited, it has nothing to do with knowing the grandparents to be.

The Mother-To-Be is considered the Guest of Honor. HER friends should be invited. Presumably some of his female friends are her friends, too?

From my limited experience with baby showers, the men are happier left out of all the "awww" and "ooooh". I know fathers now are much more hands-on with their children, but still... A baby shower is so 'girly'.

The shower I gave for my daughter years ago was certainly girly......all females, beautiful cake made in the shape of a cradle by a friend, games (I did a custom "Madlibs," which was a big hit), lots of laughs, etc.

But the two showers I attended more recently were anything but. One was very large--a couples event, held in a restaurant with lots of wine flowing. The other was smaller, a barbecue at one of the grandmothers' homes, with just as many males as females in attendance. No games or hilarity at either; just food and drink and gifts. It seems to be a trend.

I gave my daughter a baby shower 3 years ago. I only invited her friends and close relatives. No spouses were invited. We had good food, cake, games, prizes, lots of girly talk.

I hate being invited to a shower just for a gift. The shower should be about the "mother to be" friends and family not about the Grandmothers friends.

I can see it both ways. I wouldn't want to be invited to a shower where I didn't know anyone and was just asked to provide a gift. Then again, I have remained friends with a couple of women since childhood, but they've moved far away so I don't see them, but we've kept in touch thru mail, phone and internet, so I'd be honored to be invited to a shower for a first grandchild.

I think it depends on your relationship w/ these women you're considering inviting. If you're really close, I'd invite them; if not so close, no. I don't think it depends on whether or not these women have met your children, they're friends w/ you, and you're the grandmother. It's your grandbaby and a time to celebrate. It would never occur to me to NOT buy a gift for a good friend's grandbaby. It is my pleasure to do that, and I would hope and expect to be invited to the shower.

I agree with Vannie's thoughts, I would want to be involved in a good friend's celebration! But I also think that showers are out of hand these days, it seems like greed and societal one upsmanship is taking the place of etiquette and common sense.

I also agree with vannie. If I were your good friend, I would be hurt if I wasn't invited. I would certainly send a gift either way. When my good friend was going to be a grandmother, she invited me to her DIL's shower--even though I didn't know her DIL. I was pleased to be there, and certainly did not feel out of place.

I also agree that etiquette for various events seems to be regional. My rule of thumb: You can never go wrong by doing what you believe is right.

BTW, Congratulations! I can't wait to see the rug...and the pictures of your baby.

I can't wait to see the rug...and the pictures of your baby.

Be careful what you wish for, Wanda! You know I love my cameras. LOL

. . . it seems like greed and societal one upsmanship is taking the place of etiquette and common sense.

I know what you mean. I keep hearing about over-the-top children's parties, too. It really is crazy. But that sort of thing is unusual in my rural area, thank heavens, and the shower will be simple and nice--just like their wedding party (reception after the fact) was.

I don't have any advice to offer! I've heard of so many different kinds of showers that it's hard to know what's appropriate anymore.

Last summer my girlfriend had a shower for her DIL and I'd never met the young woman before. But I've been friends with the grandmother to be for over 15 years and felt honored to be included.

My SIL had a shower for her daughter with 60 women in attendance at a restaurant. There where so many gifts that she never finished opening them. People started joking that the baby would be born before the presents were unwrapped. It was rather ridiculous.

Wanda's advice is perfect- do what you believe is right.

Just an odd thought. My cousin's daughter was getting married (first time). My own Mom (also her cousin, and knew the daughter well) was not invited to her bridal shower nor the wedding and was very miffed (Mom was over 80 at the time). To add insult to injury, Mom was invited over to cousin's house to watch the wedding video. She sent the bride a card but no gift. She did look at the video.Seems you can't please all the people all the time.

Yes, showers are regional. Yes, customs change over years.

However, in your age group, there are bound to be many women who were brought up in more traditional times--when it was a complete faux pas for a relative to host a gift grab, when it was inappropriate to invite hordes of people to a shower just so they'll bring gifts for people they don't even know.

The problem is, even if the young people in your area are okay with the current trends, you may get some critical thoughts cast your way from those who were brought up under different rules.

If you're asking what we'd do? I would NEVER throw a shower for ANY relative. That's for their friends to do. If asked for input about the guest list for a shower (or wedding)? I would NEVER use it as an opportunity to repay my own social obligations, I'd actually advise the hostess to limit the guests to the mom-to-be's close friends and relatives--those people SHE socializes and associates with regularly. Well, it's not going to be much of a party for her, if she gets there and there are a bunch of senior citizens she doesn't know, is it?

Okay, I know what I just posted probably comes across pretty harshly--I did that for a reason. You really do have to consider your DIL's perspective on this--put yourself in her shoes. Or better yet. Let's say on your next b'day, DIL throws you a party. She invites ALL her friends from work and high school--you have never even met a good portion of them--are you going to really enjoy that? Good yardstick to use.

A terribly embarassing thing happened with my sister. Her son & girlfriend (not married) had a baby girl together. My sis (baby's Grandma) invited family and friends to a baby shower at her home. I was sent an invitation, even tho I'm 450 miles away and it was winter-I don't travel in bad weather. I declined and sent a card,but no gift. My mother (her first great grand-child) was angry and simply said "No". Come the day of the shower, no guests arrived. I felt very bad, mostly for my sister. But it seems those invited thought it was bad taste, 1. throwing a shower for a relative and 2. for an illegitimate baby. Please don't come down on me for calling a baby "illegitimate" but there is a stigma.

I don't know, jannie, the only stigma I would put on that situation is that the mother/baby may truly need more stuff and, I'd probably spend 'more' on a gift for them not less.

Hopefully, people didn't not show up for your #2 reason because that would be really sad. I would guess there is more to the story. Maybe everyone lived far away and just couldn't make it... Not coming down on you just suggesting it may have been something else.

In my group of friends, nobody would think twice about a shower being thrown by a relative...and I hope that tradition is slowly going away. People love throwing parties and showers for their loved ones, and should be able to. Most of the showers I've been to have been co-ed, and no games or girly-girly stuff. More like bbq's, dinner and drinks, etc.

The whole "illegitimate" baby thing infuriates me. A baby with unwed parents needs diapers and clothes as much as a baby with married parents.

If I had a baby shower and people chose not to come because either a relative threw the shower or I was not married, they aren't people I would want in my or my baby's life anyway so no loss. But that's just my opinion.

As you can see by the answers in this thread, you can't make everyone happy no matter what. In your case, Alisande, ask the parents to be what they would like, but I would think inviting a few of your close friends would be fine and I'm sure they would love to celebrate with you.

When I met and married my DH I had just moved from CO to CA and I didn't know too many people. Where we settled was about 400 miles from my extended family and we were surrounded by his family and friends. Two years later I was slowly making my own friends, but mostly hung out with DH's sisters. His mom (my MIL) threw us our baby shower- none of my friends at that time knew me enough to throw one, but did attend. It was AWESOME! It was co-ed and I loved it! The guys had a blast playing baby-gift-bingo, shouting and hooting when they were able to cross off gifts on their bingo sheet. I am soooo happy we broke all the rules! I wouldn't have such a wonderful memory of my shower. :)

Blessings,
Haley

Illegitimate is a term that for the most part was flushed a long time ago and it is ugly and vulgar and disrespectful .......Many young women and men in this age choose to have a child before they are actually married. I know quite a few women who opted to have children without the benefit of a male and had a sperm donor......Does that make for an illegitimate...... It may not be the norm in some neighborhoods but thankfully I don't know anyone who would look down on the couple or the child and certainly wouldn't refer to it as illegitimate...That sounds like something from the 40's and 50's even the 60's not 2011..

To answer your question....the shower is all about showing love and support, so my answer is do what you feel is right....If you have a few close friends that you know would want to be included, do it..otherwise I'd stick to family and friends of the couple...

It's been a long time since I heard the word "illegitimate." Labeling a baby like that from the beginning is pretty sad. It's a BABY--a breathing, living baby.

the shower is all about showing love and support, so my answer is do what you feel is right

Thank you. Several others gave similar advice, and that's what I'm going to follow. I agree--that's what it's all about.

The "illegitimacy" issue is appalling. It's hard to believe someone would refuse to welcome an innocent child into the world just because the parents aren't married. Yes, it sounds like something from the distant past. Ditto what Jennmonkey and Carla said about it.

I hardly know what to say about the "bad taste" of hosting a baby shower for a relative. I can't imagine how that rule of etiquette got started, and I'm so glad it has died out, at least where I live. It seems to me something in bad taste actually offends or hurts someone. It just doesn't apply to this situation. I'm' also glad that my friends pay more attention to the meaning of friendship (not to mention common sense) than Emily Post.

Let's say on your next b'day, DIL throws you a party. She invites ALL her friends from work and high school--you have never even met a good portion of them--are you going to really enjoy that?

Azzalea, my honest answer is, "Sure, why not?" If my DIL is inspired to give a party for me, for whatever reason, I'd be thrilled that she wanted to. Not only that, but I've always enjoyed making friends with people from various walks of life. When I was 30 years old and pregnant with my first baby, the only women I knew ranged from their fifties to their eighties. They were wonderful to me. Today, I have three close friends in their thirties--my children's ages. Because they're single, I tend to get together with them more often than I do with most women friends closer to my age.

My daughter invites me to her parties and to occasional Happy Hours. I'm definitely the oldest person there. I remember the first of those parties.......I knew no one but my daughter and her fiance, but I had a great time. Her friends are interesting and fun. I liked them immediately.

I would NEVER use it as an opportunity to repay my own social obligations

The last time I had a social obligation was in 1970, when I lived in NYC. One of the many nice things about living on an old farm is that one has no social obligations. I'm kidding, of course, but the truth is I would never want one of my friends to feel obligated to entertain me, and I know they feel the same way. So I don't ever feel pressure of that sort at all.

I would NEVER throw a shower for ANY relative.

I'm glad you're comfortable with that. But I'm delighted that I made the loving gesture of hosting a shower for my pregnant daughter. And I'm thinking I will NEVER ask an etiquette question again. LOL

Whatever is appropriate to you, your family and friends works for me! Have a good time and share it with whomever you please. :)

I agree with most here, Susan, do what feels right to you. I would not hesitate to host a shower for a daughter, sister or whatever. I would be doing it out of love and would invite only those I love and respect....and who return those feelings to me. I never give a thought as to who is hosting a shower, if I choose to accept the invitation it has nothing to do with that, it's about the celebration and sharing in the day with folks I care about.

As to the illegitimate label...I am so sorry that happened and only hope that it was a long time ago, Jannie. That is truly sad but it shows just how small some people can be.

I never thought I would hear the word illegitimate again. I thought we were past that. It is the one thing I love about this era even with all of it's "new" problems. Babies are just babies no matter how they got here. Whoever said it doesn't know how far we've come and what a struggle it was to get here. I recently saw a movie called Blossoms in the Dust with Greer Garson. It was base on a true story about a woman who opened her home for babies of unmarried women. Those babies were branded for life, it was on their birth certificate and followed them all of their life. Even when the child grew up and applied for a marriage licenses, some men would walk away from women "like that" when they saw it in writing. This woman spent her entire life taking care of those babies, found them good homes and went before the lawmakers and struggled to get the law changed. She succeed, the law was changed.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blossoms_in_the_Dust

Here is a link that might be useful: Edna Gladney

Interesting -

I wonder people would be more comfortable with the statement, "I didn't go to the shower because the couple got pregnant out of wedlock." rather than the reason that "the baby was illegitimate."

One blames the parents, while the other blames an innocent child.

At any rate, Alisande, I'd come to your party and I don't even know YOU! LOL. And perhaps you'll consider that you received lots of good feedback, and whatever might stop you from asking an etiquette question again has more to do with the minority than the majority! Plus it created lively conversation that woke me up this morning. Thanks - as I don't drink coffee! :O)

Amy, there are few things more fun than a party with live music. So if you come, please bring your fiddle!

This reminds me......every December I attend a Winter Solstice party given by friends. For years their uncles brought their instruments: fiddles, guitar, banjo. The old traditional music was such a great way to celebrate the end of another year and the beginning of a new one. But of course we all get older, and these guys were up in age when I first met them. Most have passed on, and for a couple of years we made our own music at the piano. Nice, but not the same.

But then three women showed up with fiddle, guitar, and banjo. Traditional music is back, with a new and somewhat softer sound. Love it.

(Jazz parties and karaoke parties are fun, too!) LOL

Well here's an etiquette issue for you - Amy and I are inviting ourselves to the shower. What time should we arrive?

LOL I'm still awaiting a callback from the hostess.

Would it be inappropriate for me to play the Devil Went Down To Georgia? Because I just found out that the church talent show is being held in the chapel, and so I can't play that there.

And can I leave my shoes on or should I bring my own slippers? Would it be wrong for me to text during the festivities, even if it's my children asking for help with their homework? And what if I'm allergic to nuts, should I call the hostess ahead of time and let her know? What if she has a dog? I'm scared of dogs. What are the rules? Maybe I'll just stay home. So much easier. Sigh. ;)

Well, the shower's at a restaurant, so there shouldn't be any dogs present. However, several squirrels and a rabbit were spotted in the immediate vicinity.

Texting is fine, as long as you can do it with your cell phone turned off.

Tree nuts or peanuts? It makes a difference.

And I happen to like that song, but several ultra-religious types might take offense. So when we announce it, I suggest we call it "The Leprechaun Went Down to Georgia." That will have the advantage of pleasing the hard-core Irish-Americans in the group.

You can keep your shoes on. But I wouldn't blame you if you decided to get cozy in your slippers, in your own house. ;-)

"illegitimate"? You have GOT to be kidding me, right? Tell me there aren't people out there who still believe this. Hopefully, they're old enough to die soon before they pass that myth along.

My granddaughter was not born from a marriage. Sadly, the parents did marry later, which was the dumbest thing I've seen happen since....., since, since, I'll get political.

She will grow up to save us all from cancer, altzheimers, or toenail fungus. She's the best, however she got here and a blessing from God.

Sorry, OT.

For the original topic: If my best friend from work excluded me from the baby/wedding shower because I didn't "know" the kid, I'd be relieved. I see that as a grab for gifts.

I would be more inclined for a baby, after the fact, wrap a bunch of Baby Wipes and diapers for when she has the baby, or after the wedding, a bottle of vodka.

I am currently in the same situation, having some that know my wonderful son yet others that I would like to invite who have never met him. I am having a shower in early July for my DIL who is due mid August. Most of those invited are her close friends with a few relatives and friends of mine, but only those people who either know mommy or daddy. I didn't think it appropriate to ask those that have never met either just because "I" happened to their friend.
So.....I have decided after the baby is born to have a "Meet My Grandson Celebration". We live in California which is wonderful for outdoor entertaining so it will be in October- a late-afternoon BBQ for men, women and children. My grandson will be about 2 months old then and I think an informal dinner for those who know my son and those who just know me will mesh beautifully.

Sounds like a great idea, Kats!

Kats...what a great idea!! I read this post very carefully...it might be me in a few years...

Susan...whatever you decide to do...you're so easy going and fun loving...I know it will all work out fabulous!!

What a neat idea, a great way to include those who are special to you.

Thank you for all the honest and awesome attitudes for this delicate situation of how to handle a baby shower for a child whom parents are not married. I do not feel comfortable in participating in a baby shower since my son is dealing w/ inner demons and stressors which are unrelated to this pregancy but at the same could create a tipping point. I love Kat idea to have " meet the granddaughter party" since I do not feel comfortable in having my friends attend a baby shower (being given by her mother)which is not being done in a traditional progression of life. I have been depressed, concerned, embrassed and disappointed about the event of this birth but ONLY because my son is too immature and still is finding his way at the age of 25. But I am trying to find a way to cope and support my son , his daughter to be and girlfriend.

nonnia has your ds asked you not attend or have others not attend? in that case I might think twice, but darn it the first time you see that baby, you're gma through and through...

talk to the other gma privately...perhaps you can have a nice lunch together...i'm sure she's worried about your ds, also...

People (mostly grandmothers) around here often have a "Sip and See" so their friends can meet the new baby. Some people bring gifts, some don't.

My daughter just had her first baby. I did not throw the shower but a bunch of my family did. I did bring food and helped out. My name just wasn't on as a hostess. I invited all my friends but I did this only because that's what we do (my friends). Also, I asked my daughter if she had an issue with it. If she would have had an issue, I would not have invited them.

As for an "illegitimate" child, my MIL still thinks that way. When my daughter was pregnant, an unmarried cousin was also pregnant. MIL was not going to go to the shower but I managed to convince her. Long story short, I ended up not being able to go and so MIL did not go. After the baby was born, I offered to drive her to her place to see her new apartment and to meet the baby. She refused. I say it's her loss. Both baby and mom seem to be doing very well.

Even though this thread is 2 years old, I read it with great interest. I was very surprised at the number of replies who did not see a problem with a family member hosting a shower. I don't believe I've ever been to one like that. It doesn't seem to be done here.

Also, my best friend's daughter-in-law is pregnant and will have her baby in January. I would be quite surprised (and almost offended) if my best friend invited me to a shower for her grandchild-to-be. I've never met the daughter-in-law and would assume that the shower is a gift-grab.

Maybe it's an age thing. I am in my upper 50's.