Covingtoncat, we stayed at the Berea College Inn run by the students for our one night in Berea. I had quite a scare there as a new bride: We arrived later than we had expected to. The elderly desk clerk kind of gave us what-for and explained that we had arrived so late that the bellman was already off for the night and that we would, therefore, have to carry our own bags up to our 3rd (?) floor room. That was fine with us, but as we got off the old fashioned elevator, the first door we saw was labeled "Restroom." I panicked. A new bride, with a lovely, sheer peignoir to wear, and the bathroom was DOWN THE HALL??? The first thing I checked when we got to the room was to see if we had a private bathroom. Phew, we did! We toured the town shoppes the next day before we left for Lexington and the last day of our honeymoon.

Announcements, by their very definition, are not a trigger for a gift. Anyone who thinks they are needs to buy an etiquette book and actually read it. However, those of us who love you may actually be moved to buy you a gift despite that, simply because we love you so much and wish to express that in a tangible way. Please don't shut us off before we've even started. That's my own objection to "no gifts." I feel hurt (not insulted, but hurt) to have my generosity rejected, *especially* before I've even started. Compare it to how someone might feel if they've happily shopped and schemed, and selected, and wrapped, a present, and proudly presented it to the person they esteem so much, to be greated with "Oh, you shouldn't have." If someone can be bothered to actually go buy you a present this time around, it is because they actually CARE about you. Don't shut the door on that. We're grownups; we all know we bought you a gift the first time around. If we did it this time, it's probably because we want to. Even if we feel a slight obligation along w/ it, then what's going on is that we want to send you the message that we consider you, or our family relationship, as important to us. If you fear that some of your friends and relatives haven't done much reading of etiquette books, you could perhaps lesser their erroneous perception that a gift is required by skipping the announcement and writing letters instead. It might seem as if writing 50 letters or notes might be too much work compared w/ sending pre-printed announcements, but in terms of sheer time, it probably isn't that different. W/ preprinted announcements, you have to choose a font, a printer, etc. (and of course, you still have to address envelopes). Get some note cards, write "Dear Auntie Sue & Uncle Bill: Sam and I are excited to inform you that we married in Las Vegas on September 12. [We look forward to seeing you at Christmas.]" or, [Call us if you want to hear the details] or [some other platitude that seems appropriate] You could also say, "We aren't planning a reception, but we do hope to see you at the next family gathering." Because people will wonder, and in a *letter* you can say that sort of thing (announcements often make stuff like this odd to say: "no reception is planned"? not cool in announcement, but OK to give that info in a letter) And just as you do w/ preprinted announcements, you can write them all ahead of time, and mail them after the fact.

I think you are okay to elope if you and your fiance both want that. But I also think you will not be sorry if you choose to have a small, intimate wedding -- I mean really small, like your immediate families and possibly a couple of close friends. I wouldn't bring up your unhappiness in your first marriage or your disappointment in your first wedding. That just invites people to want to "get it right for you" this time all the more. Nor would I talk about your feelings of wanting to be alone with your guy. That sounds romantic from your point of view, but from theirs, it sounds like you think of them as annoyances or just a bunch of eyes or mooches. It's also insulting to those who have had or attended big weddings. Remember too that although of course it is more important to you two than anyone else, and your feelings are more important than anyone else's on this, it's also important to others. Your fiance is someone's son, someone's brother, someone's grandchild. His wedding day is a big day for them, too. So of course they care and want to be there (and, really, aren't you glad they do?). Is this your fiance's first marriage? Is he close with his family? What does HE want? You haven't said one word about that. You said, "If *I* did not consider, for a single second, the wishes of *others*, I would run away with him and be married in some beautiful, far away place. Nothing would make *me* happier. But it is inevitable that *others* would be offended by that decision." Is he one of those "others"? What would make HIM happy - your best friend, who is the best thing that ever happened to you? That doesn't mean you shouldn't elope, just that you need to think about these things more and your first wedding and marriage less. Your fiance's feelings are relevant; your allergy to your first wedding ring isn't. I think the first thing you need to do is to talk to your future husband. Tell him your feelings. LISTEN to his. Then, when the two of you know what you want, talk to his family. Don't go into the whole drama, just tell them that you are uncomfortable with a second big wedding, and work together to find something that is good for all of you. If they are disappointed because they want a big wedding, don't argue with them or try to persuade them -- acknowledge that disappointment, sympathize, and ask for their help and support in doing it the way that works best for you both. And make sure you tell them how glad you are to be joining their family. If they want to give a big party to celebrate, then cooperate graciously. Don't let your feelings like those in your ninth paragraph show. Consider that your guy's family -- your new family -- may not just be there to eat and drink and stare at you as if that's what makes you married. Maybe they love and support you. Whatever you decide, just be nice about how you handle it, and everything will be fine, even if some people are disappointed. Remember, it's the marriage that's important, not the wedding. Good luck!

Gooster, they are merely living out the modern dream of beng the stars of their own life show. Theirs must be a costume drama :-). Gooster, they are merely living out the modern dream of beng the stars of their own life show. Theirs must be a costume drama :-). adding, my comment sounds unkind on second reading. If they are historians or have a special interest in a certain period, or are theater folk who want costumes to evoke past roles or performances, or their grandparents or great grandparents were immigrants from a certain country in a particular time period, I could certainly understand the significance of period costuming and its importance to the couple! Otoh, if they are just orchestrating their wedding for the cool pictures and it reflects nothing about their shared or individual history or interests, then my original comment about being the stars of their own show might well describe the situation. In any case, it's their party :-)