I also adopted a dog with "issues." A one year old (now 3 yrs old) australian shepherd mix. i dont know what her story is but she tore up shoes, carpet, walls, cell phones, couches, and urinated, etc, for the first year. At first i punished her. I crated her (she tore up the crate), told her she was 'bad', etc. Well, I realized this wasnt helping. I was only increasing her anxiety. so i tried an indirect approach.We started obedience training and trick training (i read books about dogs with anxiety, watched other dog trainers, and talked to other dog owners). I ignored her bad behavior. I left her bags, old boxes, with treats in them for her to tear up. And she would either spend hours playing at the river, going on walks, or to an indoor uncaged doggie day care where she could get all her anxiety out. It helped her tremendously to have me leave her for a little while at a time and realize i was coming back. she was extremely shy at first but leaving her at the doggie day care increased her confidence ten fold. the obedience training let her know i was in charge and helped her feel more secure. Teaching her tricks helped me see how she thinks and learn to communicate with her in a fun and positive way. And one last change was I got her a cat to keep her company while I'm gone. Its been over a year since she's torn anything up or urinated in the house. My dog certainly needed training but i found out so did i. I know my dog well now. She's my baby and she was worth it. i hope you have luck with your puppy.

Hi Vesters. So many things you wrote struck a chord with me as we experienced the same issues with my SD, who is now 14. We've had custody of her since she was 5, after gaining emergency and then full custody though a very nasty battle. After DH and his ex divorced SM moved SD hours away. SD began sleeping in her bed, showering with her, being completely dependent on her mom. BM thrived on this - it made her feel needed and important. SD couldn't (or wouldn't) do or try anything on her own. SD became BM's 'bff' and confidant - all at the mature age of 3. This continued until BM found a boyfriend, and then SD was kicked into her own bed in her own room on a different floor and told to go to sleep. Once that relationship ended SD was needed again and back in BM's bed, all the while hearing about BM's relationship woes. Fast forward a few years. We have custody, SD sees her mom EOW. She's still trying to have SD sleep with her (between boyfriends) and be dependent on her. The 'bff' behavior is worsening and we're hearing all about BM's love life from SD. SD is getting stomach aches right before visitations and worrying about how to take care of her mom. All so appropriate for a mother/daughter relationship. And then there was. . . "BM also used to say things to SD (right after I came on the scene) like, "I'd never let a man come between us" and "You're the only one I need" which sounds innocent enough, but it was very much meant as a "look at your father, moving on with his life, I'll never let that happen to us." I could have written that. BM is always saying this. . . in between the men in her life. But what SD figured out about 2 years ago is that her mom is full of sh@t. She started to see all these behaviors factored around her mom and what her mom needed on her mom's schedule. She was blinded by the 'my mom needs me' and 'my mom loves me best' until then, but with the help of her counselor and a little maturity she started to figure it out. I won't say she doesn't fall back into buying her mom's crud every now and again, but for the main part she can she the behavior for who it is really about - mom, not SD. I tell you all this so you know you are not alone, and also to give you hope. Your SD needs help, and she needs her dad to help her receive it, but she can recover from this. I will tell you one thing SD's counselor shared with us that was helpful for SD and for our tongues as we weren't biting them so hard. When you say "I'm always a little uncomfortable when she talks so openly about her BM with me (because I know the "real deal"), yet I'm always very careful to make sure I speak loving and positively about her ." you need to stop. This doesn't mean speak negatively, but you don't have to put a good spin on bad actions. Don't try to make mom's bad action ok. Don't make excuses for her. Listen to SD, let her know you understand why she would be upset, help her with generalized, non leading questions discover why she's upset, but don't then tell her it's all ok and mommy knows best. Later, when she figures out mommy doesn't, you will be seen as a liar. It's ok to say sometimes mommy's get confused, or mommy's make mistakes. This is likely better pronounced by DH at first, but you need to know that you don't have to be positive. Just don't be negative, if you get what I mean. :-) Good luck. Keep us updated, and keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing.

This is what I would do. I might even take "just her" out of school on one particular day, and I would arrange it ahead of time with her teacher on a day when little was happening. And I would tell her that, say that on Tuesday (or what ever day you choose) is _______ day. (insert her name). Tell her on that day, she is going to have a special day. You are not rewarding bad behavior, but instead, getting her back on track with your family. It would be a day when just the two of you go out to a special lunch. You go for a long walk while the other kids are in school. You hand her a piece of paper that says "pass" on it, and tell her that this special paper gives her the opportunity to say and talk about whatever she wants to say. Even if it "hurts" for you to hear...let her get it out. And simply listen...really, really listen, and try not to be defensive, etc. Let her talk about what is on her heart, and about her time with her mother. Just let her get it out, and bite your tongue as best you can, as she tells you things you may or may not want to hear. I am imagining that since you and your DH have custody of her, and that her mother moved out of state away from her child, that this "mother" is not mother of the year. Was this young girl "safe" while with her mother? Could something have "happened" or do you simply think that it is as simple as her mother bad mouthing you and your DH, to try and make herself look better in her daughters eyes? Could the slowness be depression or profound discouragement and hopeless feelings created by a mother who "chooses" to be absent from her little girls life? Could it be a young girl who struggles internally with the conflicts over the disappoint with who this mother of hers really is, and not understanding these feelings or how to cope with them? Let her talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. And then you will know what she is struggling with, and what is creating the problems. Some of the problems may go away, simply because she is able to talk about them and get them out, and not keeping them inside creating havoc. I would work with her so that the feelings she is experiencing do not take hold and turn into anger, rage, and all that can make a teenager so difficult. Yes, part of the behavior is part of being 11. And yet, this young girl has more going on than that. Most cannot imagine their "mother" abandoning them at such an age. I remember reading about the actress Meg Ryan whose mother did this, and the pain this caused the actress for years. How she will have no relationship with this mother who abandoned her as a young girl. It might also be the time to talk to her about the "facts of life" and I love the idea of a special box filled with girl goodies, like feminine products, deodorant, lip gloss, etc, for you and she to anticipate and acknowledge the changes that will be coming in the next year or two. IMO, you can get a lot more of what you want from her with honey (understanding) than with anger and punishment. ***I want to add that depending on her fathers personality and relationship with his daughter, all of this might be better if her dad does this with with his young daughter. He might better be able to discuss the things on her heart regarding her mother (and the disappointments) the divorce from her mother, the behavior of her mother, and perhaps some of the things her mother may have told her. If you both decide that your husband should open up these lines of communication with his daughter, tell him to listen...listen...and listen and let her simply "talk" and get all of this out. Sometimes, feeling really "heard and understood" can relieve feelings of depression, etc. But to me, what this child needs more than anything is to talk and work through some of what she must be feeling about her mother, and the disappointment in her, and the guilt for being disappointed, and the realization deep down of who this mother of hers really is, and her lack of presence in her daughter life. Is she the oldest? Does she have a natural sibling that lives with her, or are the other children in the house yours, or children you and her father had together, after getting married? I guess to help you feel compassion, instead of frustration and anger with her, is to try and understand her. Can you imagine if your own parents had divorced, and you went to live with your father and his new wife. And your mom just moved away, out of state for either a job, or a lover, and you were left behind? Even though your dad's new wife might be nice enough, there would still be a struggle over why your mom moved away, and left you. Ya know? I think you are doing a good job in trying to help this young girl, and trying to work with her, and understand her struggles. This is just my take on the whole thing. And last, because she struggles in school, can you find something that she is good at, and encourage her in this area, so that she feels good about herself. For example, is she creative and can you help her to learn to choose recipes and cook special meals once a week for the family. Make sure that the other children in the family are positive about her efforts. She could watch the cooking show and try making a simple dinner, letting her do most of it but you being nearby to lend a hand here and there, but give her all of the credit and make a big deal out of her efforts. Or a sport, etc., so that she builds good feelings about herself. It must be hard to be the one in school who struggles so, because there are always those "perfect" girls who are so bright and their parents make sure they are on top. Perhaps you could explain to her that every one has gifts, and where she may struggle in one area, she may excel in another. And the students who are so bright, will have other areas where they have struggles others may not know about. That some may be great in math, but find vocab a struggle. others may find vocab a breeze, but struggle with math. Anyway, help her find something to feel good about, because a mother's abandonment can set her up right off the bat to feel bad about herself. Anyway, hang in there, and I applaud your efforts at helping this young girl!

So typical for the women to be fighting. And so typical for the men to be absent, big-hearted, out of touch, clumsy, passive and will do anything to avoid confrontation. Ask yourself this, as women: Would you allow your grown children to treat your spouse with disrespect? Would you allow your spouse to treat your children with disrespect? One example in the original post, was that the stepmother controlled every second of the father's time, and didn't allow him to speak on the phone with his children. How many women would allow a spouse to ban then from speaking with their own kids? Women who would allow this need to call an abuse hotline. As women, we are nurturers and protectors. We are fierce about protecting those we love. We can mediate, moderate, set limits and still show our love without preference. Everyone knows how much we value them in our families. Showing love to one doesn't mean we have to abandon anyone else. I think this list for stepmothers to adult stepchildren is a surface reaction to the symptom. I could write an equal list of directives aimed at adult stepchildren. The problem as I see it, is the difference between men and women, how we think, what motivates us, how we deal with family. We expect men to think as we do. We don't understand when they don't. And in their absence, we square off and attack the opposing females. Then the men are forever victims, "stuck in the middle", like big, fence-riding whiners. Disengaging is a great tool many females in step-roles use. It's next in line to being married to a man who can actually love equally, be fair, have expectations and boundaries for the people in his family. I disengaged several years ago. I went from unsuccessfully trying to have a relationship with my stepchildren, who made it clear for many years that they weren't interested, to losing interest myself. It is unrewarding and defeating to continue trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. No more fighting. Part of disengaging means I am also not responsible for reminding my husband of birthdays, initiating visits to see his children, encouraging him to call them, etc. He and they are on their own to navigate their own relationship. They aren't banned from our home and are welcome to come, they just rarely ever do. Nobody is to blame, it's just often how these stepfamilies go when they don't work for everybody. I find it better when we lower our expectations, accept the reality (or not), and stop thinking that our lives will be glamorous if we all can just be one big happy family. Being one big happy family is no longer on my bucket list. If it happens, that's great. Will be another nut on my sundae, but that's about all.