Black bean burritos with diced peppers instead of sliced?

Small, soft pasta, like tortellini or mini raviolis?

Cooked salads with a very, very small dice and a vinaigrette (not creamy) dressing--that you drain before serving. Like 3-bean salad or corn salad.

Red beans and rice?

Good luck. No matter what you cook, he's gonna still have lips. I guess you can just try to minimize.

And be really busy getting a jump on the dishes so you don't have to sit at the table the whole time. Or plan a dessert that you have to leave the table to prepare, then serve it and then spend time clearing the dinner plates while everyone else eats dessert.

I feel for you, Cookie. That is one thing that I really can't stand to hear. I would have to excuse myself. The boyfriend of my coworker (I work at a restaurant) eats like that and I have to find something to do on the other side of the restaurant when he starts eating.
I don't really have any suggestions, just wanted to offer my sympathy.
Lisa

Ear plugs and a smile and don't look his way while he is eating.

When I was young, some womanizing guy I knew (but would not date) told me if you want to know what your girlfriend is going to be like later in life, go home with her and look at her mother. So start working on your DH right now! LOL Sorry -- not really intending to make light of your situation.

I agree that the best thing is to cook things that keep you in the kitchen while the others are eating, but that's not very much fun, either.

Would it do any good to talk to your MIL?

Sometimes I find that I can reduce my sensitivity to certain things my family does by trying to concentrate on their good qualities. I bet your FIL is doing the MMMM=mmmm thing in an effort to compliment your cooking. There are worse things he could do. He could sit there stiff as a board and complain that he didn't like certain things and push food around on his plate. I've dealt with that before and I'd trade you one of those for your FIL any time.

I came from a family who, when they all got together to eat, would eat as much as they possibly could hold as a compliment to the cook. Of course the first family dinner I went to on DH's side of the family was a total disaster for me because they all became convinced I was a pig. And first impressions are really hard to overcome! The only thing that saved me was that I was young, I caught on at that first dinner, and as I matured some of them discovered I had other endearing qualities.

I don't think ear plugs will help. You might try playing music in the background and try to concentrate on that. He's not going to change unless someone says something to him, and then he's liable to be embarrassed and self-conscious.

It sounds like he is going to slurp and smack, etc. no matter what you serve him, so I say don't concentrate on the type of food you serve. If you tried all the suggestions at once, maybe you can get through a meal - one meal at a time until they go home.

~ do not serve noisy foods, i.e. crackers, pop corn, anything really crunchy

~ have some music playing

~ initiate some lively conversation to help cover up his eating sounds

~ find ways to be busy in the kitchen a few times during the meal, go fill the water pitcher, bring in more rolls, etc.

~ keep reminding yourself of his good qualities and that they will be gone in a few days?

~ go out for a meal a couple of times while they are here or better yet, have your DH take him to lunch while you and your MIL have a girls' lunch out and visit some shops? You could do this more than once and your DH and FIL could have some quality time together! Or, have DH take both of them out for lunch while you have a "rest."

~ count the days down to when they leave and tell yourself that they won't be there forever!

You will get through this.

I'm really not sure there is anything you CAN do, other than grin & bear it & just avoid the table as much as you can. At his age (I'm assuming he is your mother-in-law's age :), I'm sure people have said something to him, including his wife. He apparently has no desire to correct it. Maybe you MIL isn't a very good cook?
Good luck, doesn't sound pleasant.

At least you're not confined in a car on a road trip while he's eating like this! LOL! What do I do about a really good friend who eats tons of baby carrots, celery, jelly beans, and Fritos in the same manner while on an eight hour road trip???? What I try to do is talk a lot to drown out her chomping!

Ugh, reminds me of an uncle of mine many years ago - burping was a compliment to the cook on the farm where he was raised and he and his entire family all were r-e-a-l-l-y good at it :(

I don't really think soft food will change anything, he's still going to make noises. But if that's what you'd like to try - there's baked ziti, lasagna, chicken pot pie, Swedish meatballs, Ann's Greek meatballs with agvolmeneno sauce, meatloaf. If you would like any recipes, just ask.

Good luck.

Thanks. I like the idea of "forgetting" stuff during dinner. He is 60 so no point in bringing it to anyone's attention, it won't change. I find I start laughing when it happens and it's worse because my husband is hitting me under the table when I start. Then, and I make up some amusing story of what happened during the day so now I'm starting to look like some sort of nutcase who laughs randomly at the kitchen table. I am so thankful it's not peach season like last visit. Sorry to be mean, but that was something I had to leave the room from. Like I said he is very nice and pleasant it's this one quality that is so, ugh. Funny, his mom is such a quiet polite eater (not that I am Miss Manners by any means). I picture them on a quiet Sunday morning eating breakfast - she is so easy going I wonder if she notices or will there be a breakdown one day of "I can't take the noisy eating any longer" because that would so be me. Oh, and we can go out to eat at a noisy chain restaurant. I can do this. Thanks for ideas!

When he starts up, just say, "Hey you make it sound so good". hahah!

Or - get out the video camera, put it on a tripod and let it go throughout the meal... then show the movie after everyone is through eating. Turn up the volume so he can hear himself slurping away.

Shaun has a good idea about doing the video and showing it to him. He sounds like one of those who won't "get it" though.

I had a cousin I was really close to growing up and we live almost in throwing distance now. I finally quite seeing much of her because she chews her food with her mouth open so I certainly understand your feelings. I would stay in the kitchen as much as possible.

60 years old? Probably not going to change him. If he is a good, kind and gentle man like you said I would let it go. Life is too short to get out of sorts over things like this. I know it is annoying and I'm not making light of it, but have a glass of wine (or 2!) while you are making dinner and take heart in the fact your cooking inspires such great 'mmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmm's'!

Duane

Excuuuusse me! I am 61 and I am sure I still have the capacity to change. I'm not mummified yet. Neither is my mom who is 91. ;)

However, commenting on someone's eating habits is difficult at any age. Can't your mom hear him? She should be the one to tell him. I'm not sure what food would be noise-less.

It is such a revolting habit. I used to work with someone who always made smacking noises when she ate. It didn't matter if it was soup, salad or a sandwich. I finally just ate at my desk on the days she was in the lunch room.

Does he have loose dentures? Is that the reason for all the noise while he eats? It could be worse, I have a relative that passes gas at the table while eating and does it rather loudly. I would suggest several glasses of wine before dinner - for you! It is amazing how that can make you not only tolerate, but enjoy you in-laws. It works for me.
Clare

Actually I think the ear plug idea is a good one -- they have flesh colored ones and wax ones that are fairly unobtrusive, and I've never found them so effective that I can't hear what is being said -- they dampen sound more than anything else...

Emily

Thanks Pam, for standing up for us senior citizens. Many of us are still good learners.

Jim

I don't have any real advice either. Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have to endure that. It would drive me quite crazy, not sure how I'd handle it.

You might try making a jello, spam, green bean, and egg nog casserole (one casserole with all those ingredients) for every meal. He may not want very much if you serve food he doesn't like... but then what would the rest of you do?!

My husband eats like that when by himself! He's the type that enjoys wolfing down his food as fast as possible, which he knows isn't good for him but he LIKES to gulp and smack! No mmms though. Sometimes he forgets I'm there when it's not a real meal, eating cereal while reading the paper. But a gentle reminder does get him to stop. He's 65 and still trainable! Never eats like that at regular meals.

But I wouldn't say anything to FIL. IF and it's a big if, your MIL and you are on good terms then I might say something to her. Otherwise I'm of the wine and music school. And perhaps DH could come to the table with a list of really great conversational topics to distract you.

Excuuuuuuuuuuuse me right back! LOL. I wasn't insinuating 60 is mummified or ancient. Jeez people, grow a skin for crying out loud! But if he has been eating like that his whole life chances are his wife has just put up with it, especially if she just sits there and doesn't say anything. Otherwise why not do as somebody suggested and video tape him, then tie him to a chair and make him watch the video over and over again until he cries. That should do it.

Okay, truthfully I think when you hit 60 you should be put out to pasture and shot. Way past any more productivity in this world.....

Duane..(running and ducking for cover...!)

p.s. I am eligible for AARP in 2009!

No, 60 isn't old - it's ancient. ha ha. By stating age, by this time if the man sees nothing wrong with table noises it probably won't change. I mean someone would have to of mentioned it at some point. I just thought I could modify my menu. Lately I've been going after my husband for slurping his cereal. Weird it just started in the past 4 months. I don't know if I've never notice before or if it's something new? Next week my parents come for three weeks. My dad talks with food in his mouth and we always laugh at what his chair looks like when he is done. We are really close so I'm okay with it. I know, double standards. But it my defense I only met by step FIL a few times. Oh, the distraction thing is working wonders!! Keeping busy, everything is fresh and hot at the table and lots of it because I am always getting up to get something. Oh, and we started eating at the dining room table set up lengthwise. I just needed ideas to get my brain warmed up. thanks for the help.

Cookie, I'm over 60 and it most certainly isn't ancient!

Duane, I think you stated what is obvious to most of us. I've observed that most people over 60 do not like change of any kind. Notice, I said MOST! I embrace change as do some others over 60.

Pam, I'm so glad you embrace change too because I rarely find anyone who does. My DM will tell you really fast that she can't stand change and helps you learn new things. My DH will tell you he doesn't mind change, but in reality he does. I think change keeps things more interesting.

Back to the subject we are supposed to be on. If the MIL eats with good manners you can bet she has tried to get him to eat with good manners. My ex had terrible table manners, was young and was not going to change no matter who asked him. He thought making noises and rubbing his tummy after he ate was funny. He also thought seeing who could eat the most at a meal was funny and I found it disgusting. People are just very different and as the saying goes, the only person we can change is ourself usually.

Beans?? Good grief, you will only subject yourself and others to other unwanted noises and smells. You will all need nose plugs as well as ear plugs. Just say, "How does it taste? It sure sounds good." maybe he will eventually get the message.

Okay, all you youthful wise guys and girls. I suggest you print this, put it away and open it on your 60th birthday. You will be surprised by how un-ancient you feel. Yes, you are acutely aware that you are no longer 20, but you do still feel like you've got a lot of life left and are looking forward to what's new, as well as having the ability to change with a changing world.

I love the line "How does it taste? It sure sounds good." Reminds me of "Just the news, not the weather" for when people spit while speaking.

Hee hee. Just trying to stir the pot. Actually, my MIL is 5 yrs older than him and honestly seems 20+ yrs younger. It has nothing to do with age but attitude. Good thing this post wasn't 20 yrs ago - I would have been calling the 40 yr olds old. We'll all be there, hopefully! Speaking of the young ones, I think I'll have to start working on my little ones and now is the perfect time to start. Nothing severe, little things like, waiting to eat when everyone was seated, asking to be excused, no body noises at the table - the very basic stuff.

I have no more advice for Cookie8 than what's already been said (particularly a glass of wine or 2, and keeping yourself busy during the meal). I just want to say I can commiserate with my own MIL gross-out issue. She eats just fine and quiet during the meal. It's AFTER the meal that's the problem! She sucks on her teeth afterwards, also moving her tongue all around inside her mouth while sucking, sometimes making clacking noises with her tongue, but always making loud sucking noises (did I mention the sucking sounds?). Since it's after the meal, I have the excuse to clear the table and the like to get away from it. But she is a very nice, sociable woman, and she often says something like, "stop cleaning, let the kids do it later, and sit and have a cup of tea with me". How can I refuse, but then I must endure the teeth-cleaning tongue-clacking routine. I have YET to come up with a solution. Mostly, I serve foods that don't get caught in the teeth easily--I'd never serve her corn on the cob for example. But really, almost every food, unless it's a liquid meal (how 'bout soup tonight Mom?), will get in the teeth.

So, you are not alone, if that's any help!

How on earth is serving soft or juicy foods to a slurper going to quiet him down? LOL Jell-O? Sauces? SLURRRRRRP!

I don't think you'll change him but you could try right before you eat to say something like you wouldn't believe the guy at the next table when we had lunch today, slurping and making all kinds of hideous noises! But it probably would hurt her much more than him.

Could be he has teeth issues or just doesn't know better, but doubtful he'll learn a whole new way of eating.

My former SIL used to chomp her teeth down onto a fork and scrape it for every bite. EEWWWWW. Was like fingernails on a blackboard. I finally had to sit as far from her as possible when she used silverware. And my recently departed dad was a talker with his mouth full. That's not bad enough, he'd stop mid-sentence to shovel in another load before it was all swallowed and continue what he was saying! Nobody could understand a word he said. I nearly said something a few times but figured why bother. My old boss was a slurper, chomper and chewed with his mouth open and talked with his mouth full, and BOY could he slurp coffee! Even back in the days when my dad would saucer and blow it wouldn't be so loud! You'd hear him across the room! My desk was near the break area so I'd go find something to do in another part of the building when he'd sit down for his coffee break!

Not the best of manners, perhaps, but he doesn't seem to know the first thing about manners. However, maybe you could continue to be frightfully busy in the kitchen (and cheerfully humming to yourself - loudly) while he's eating - 'don't worry, you start without me - I'll be there in a minute!' - and grab a few bites as you fuss and bother over some imaginary task - or maybe the dessert you 'forgot'?

Your MIL might be kind and offer to help, but refuse at all costs. If she ignores you, I think you'll have to say something to the effect that you can't stand listening to her husband eating. She might be surprisingly understanding!

Although how she could live with it beats me!