My old CRF girl is gone :(

12 years ago

Thought I'd post here because I've referenced Muddy, AKA Muddy Buddy, enough times on this forum over the years.

She was a tortoishell and lived with a multitude of health problems, mainly kidney disease and hyperthyroidism, over the past 6 years.

I took her to the vet about 2 weeks back (she had been in 2 months before and about every 3 months for the past 6 years) because she was not doing well and we came to the conclusion that she was getting to the point of no return. She was such a tough little cat at just over 5 lbs at the end, and she would not quit. She stopped eating the day before we decided to let her go, and one of her legs began to swell (the vet said it looked like her circulatory system was starting to fail as well), but despite that she just kept willing herself to go on to the point that she was still jogging outside just a few hours before we had to go to the vet's. As tired and worn out as she was, she just kept on pushing herself.

The vet was great and she passed so peacefully. I will miss her. With all her health problems she took up a bit of my time during the day and especially at night right before bed time, now I just don't know what to do with myself. It should be a relief to not have to do those things anymore, but the automatic compulsion to go give her medications, or fix her bed time meal, or give her sub-q fluids will probably be with me for a while.

She was 18 years old and I'd like to think she had a great kitty life, but she leaves a huge hole in her wake and I will miss her more than I could ever imagine.

Thanks for listening- both now and over the years.

Vickie

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Comments (9)

Ninapearl
12 years ago
oh, vickie, i'm so very sorry for your loss. muddy will live on in your heart. i hope the good memories you have of your life with her will comfort you. (((hugs)))
schoolhouse_gw
12 years ago
Sorry, it's so hard to say goodbye. What a long and I bet terrific life she had with you.
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I am soooo relieved that the Miralax is working for Casey (and I'm sure she is, too)! I feel the same way every time I see one of Billy's nice long tootsies. Constipation can make them feel so miserable and sick. You have vastly improved Casey's quality of life with Miralax. I definitely think you should take your neighbor up on her offer to administer subQs for you at home. I know you're having a hard time believing that Casey will be more cooperative with less restraint, but hopefully your neighbor will be able to demonstrate the validity of that for you. I do understand your misgivings, though. Billy is extremely short-tempered and does NOT like to be messed with, so when he was diagnosed with both CRF and hyperT, I was dreading having to medicate him, much less having to eventually administer subQs to my potentially violent old man. To make matters worse, my housemate moved out right before Billy started needing subQs, so I was faced with having to administer them without any assistance. I had nightmares of lying on the floor bleeding to death with Billy firmly attached to my jugular vein. But what choice did I have? Billy needed subQs, and I was the only one here to administer them. I knew my only chance of surviving the procedure was to keep it all as low key as possible. Billy had chosen a diningroom chair as his favorite sleeping spot, so I rigged a way to hang the fluid bag from the curtain rod next to the chair. While he was napping, I quietly hung the bag, sat down next to him (which instantly woke him and caused him to stand up), and slipped in the needle as quickly as possible. To my utter amazement, Billy didn't object at all. He stood there while I silently stroked his face until the administration was finished. I was stunned at how easily it all went. Things have changed a bit since then. It didn't take Billy long to figure out that the diningroom chair was where he got his fluids, so he abandoned the chair and started napping elsewhere. Now I have to find him and carry him to the chair for fluids, but as long as I do so quietly and carry him carefully, he usually doesn't do more than grumble softly. Sometimes if I don't get the needle exactly where he wants it, he'll start growling in mid-administration. I have to be VERY careful at that point NOT to touch him (other than to hold the needle in place), or he'll attack me. So I just hold my hand an inch or two in front of his chest so that he knows I won't allow him to leave, and he stays put and growls until I'm finished. If I get the needle in a comfortable spot, however, he'll generally sit or stand without objection until we're done. I can absolutely guarantee you, though, that if I did anything other than use my body position to restrict his movement, he'd fight like a demon during subQs. There is absolutely NO WAY that a restraint bag would do anything other than increase Billy's fight instinct, and I suspect the same will be true for Casey. You need to reduce the stress response, not increase it, in order to be successful with subQs. A restraint bag is likely to feel a lot like a carrier to Casey, so she may very well have the same stress response to the bag that she has to her carrier. Casey's also likely to be in a considerably happier (and hopefully more cooperative) mood now that she's not dealing with chronic constipation anymore. Don't worry. All of this will work out, one day and one procedure at a time. Laurie
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cat_mom
12 years ago
(((HUGS))) to you on your loss, quasifish. It's never easy.
petaloid
12 years ago
I'm sorry to hear that your Muddy kitty has passed away. You certainly helped her have a good, long life.

I have experienced this before, several times, and know how painful it can be at first.

Trust me, you will get over her loss in time and will always keep fond memories of your beloved pet.
laurief_gw
12 years ago
Vickie,

I'm so sorry to hear of Muddy's passing. What a testament to both of your indomitable spirits that she lived an active life for so long with both CRF and hyperT. I know exactly what you're going through right now. When my CRF and hyperT (and various other ailments) boy, Billy, passed a year ago, my whole daily existence shifted. In spite of all of the other animals needing my attention, I still found myself aimlessly wandering through large parts of my days - parts that used to be spent medicating, hydrating, feeding, and checking on Billy. That sort of intensive nursing is so absorbing. When it suddenly ends, there's just this huge void left in the day ... not to mention the void left in one's heart.

The void in your day won't last too long, though. Your daily rhythm will readjust over the next couple of weeks. The void in your heart is a different matter. I like to believe that my beloveds are taking good care of each piece of my heart that they took with them when they passed, and that they will reunite with me when my time comes and put all of my heart pieces back together again.

Muddy will keep your heart piece safe until you meet again.

I wish you a peaceful grief,

Laurie
3katz4me
12 years ago
I'm so sorry. I lost a CRF cat a few years back at age 19 and I know what you mean about the huge void in your life after several years of providing that special care. In a way it is a relief but in other ways there is kind of a loss of purpose in life. I hope fond memories help heal your heart in time.
cal_dreamer
12 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss; Muddy was blessed with a wonderful life with you.
tracey_b
12 years ago
I'm so sorry for you on the passing of your Muddy. Torties are certainly characters! Our CRF kitty was one (Casey) who passed about 3 yrs ago at 20+. I hear ya on the time spent doing "nursing care" for elderly kitties (and sick ones in general). It takes awhile to get past just that part of it, much less the hole left in your heart by the missing loved one. You were a GREAT kitty mom who did your best by your beloved kitty. RIP Muddy.
quasifish
Original Author
12 years ago
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts, everyone.

Muddy was the last of "the 3 musketeers"- the lab/rottie who came to us in '93 and the two kitties who joined us in '94. The 3 of them were inseparable and I could never have imagined a big dog and two cats who were more bonded and got along so well. I feel blessed to have been part of that, and accept that it is unlikely we will ever have 3 together like that again. All three left us in the past 5 years, so losing her is, in a sense, like losing the last of that legacy from happier times.

Laurie, you hit the nail on the head. I am stunned by how often I checked on her through the day- heading to do some laundry and I'd stick my head into whatever room she was in to make sure she looked warm and comfortable enough (she was always cold, but generally shunned heat sources). I didn't even realize I would check her so often. The first night she was gone, I was a wreck the half hour before bed- that was the time we would do a lot of her care- I just paced around the house for half an hour. Still, there is some relief in not having to do the medicating and fluids, that was hard on both of us.

Our younger cat, who has never had much use for me, is giving me a bit more attention now. Not sure if he feels sorry for me, or just realizes that he is the big cheese now.

Ah well, thank you again everyone for your thoughts, they mean a lot to me. Not everyone understands how deep the loss of a kitty can be.

My old CRF girl is gone :(

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My old CRF girl is gone :(

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