When she is about 22 it will all be over and she will be that calm, sensible girl again. That's all I've got

22!!!! I have to wait that long?

I don't have kids.. but we've all been through it! I remember breaking into tears when my magic marker ran out of ink! LOL You'll both make it through-- and until then, there's wine!

Having raised two daughters, I can honestly say that EVERYTHING is a big deal. At 14 she is coming into her own. She is looking around, comparing herself to others, possibly starting to look at boys differently etc.

Girls are different than boys. They mature faster and care about their appearance earlier.

I'll be interested to see what others like yourself who are currently in this time frame give as advise.

My DD turns 21 on March 18th and I am soooooo glad that her Drama Queen days are finally behind us! And she was one of the easy ones compared to most. Didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, fool around with boys, cause problems at school, bully anyone or get bad grades. Oh, but the drama!

1) Pick your battles . . . because teenage girls seem to think just about everything is cause for one.

2) Don't call her a drama queen even though she is one. Those are fighting words (LOL)!

3) She already thinks she's an adult and knows everything, so instead of making household rules for her, ask her for her ideas on what they should be instead. You probably won't agree to at least half of them (LOL), but she'll feel more appreciated and respected if you ask.

4) Driving in the car - just the two of you- is the best place for her to start talking about just about everything. Shut up and listen!

5) "My daughter totally considers herself an adult and she now thinks she knows everything about everything": Try to adopt this new mantra and repeat it at least three times before you start any conversation with her . . . or react to one of her dramas.

(a Bonus #6) Keep telling yourself that this too shall pass . . . in about 6-8 years. And that daughters usually turn into sweethearts who love their parents and remember to call them a lot more often. I'm reaping the rewards now and loving it!

Another classic teenage moment this afternoon. She and I were in a store in our town center, and one of her classmates (a girl) walked in. DD talked to her briefly and then came over to me and tried to rush me out of the store. I thought she had an issue with the classmate, but I then realized that the issue was ME. She wanted us to scram before I had a chance to embarrass her by, I don't know, speaking aloud or something. LOL.

Fortunately my best friend has a daughter who is one year ahead and started the same type of behavior at the same exact age last year -- her DD is so similar to mine, always so sweet and calm, but I guess they all go through some version of this stuff no matter how fabulous they are!

Appearance is the one thing that is SO different from my boys when they were/are teenagers. I expect it, of course, with a girl but sometimes it's still annoying. New outfits "needed" for everything, etc. For this school presentation on Monday? She asked me if she could get a manicure on Sunday! I agreed to that because I'm a sucker for a mani and because I had already said no to a new outfit and shoes... ;)

Have raised 2 daughters, and I have been teaching freshmen for years ( 15 year old girls). Again, pick your battles, sympathize with how hard it is to be a teen, and watch the calendar. One week out of the month is hell. If you aren't the target at least you can assure them that in 24 hours it won't hurt so bad, be so embarrassing, etc. Stay out of their way, yet keep firm.

I don't have a teenager yet, but I have worked with adolescents for 20 years. One of the most interesting things I've learned is that the frontal lobe of the brain (judgement, reasoning, emotional control) is still developing through the early twenties. At the same time, adolescents have the "hormonal cascade" causing dramatic changes in their brain chemistry.

It helps to think of teenagers as temporarily brain damaged, and not in complete control of themselves :-)

I was a nightmare of a teen girl myself. I feel so bad about it now. I have apologized to my parents many times!

It is funny Kswl mentioned the age of 22, because it truly is about the age the brain starts to stabilize. It is also the age I was when I started getting along with my parents again, graduated from college, and the year I got married (eeek!)

JLC, I recall the Dean of DS's middle school giving a talk where he explained that all you needed to know about teens you could learn from rental car companies. You can't rent a car until you turn 25. That is about when the frontal lobe is fully developed and you are able to properly assess risks and make good judgments.

So, Funky, just to be clear, the wine is for who?

I'm a brat and sometimes will purposely try to embarrass them in some situations, if I deem the time is right which is not when everything is off kilter in their world (usually involves singing). Then I pat them on the head and tell them not to worry, someday they will have teenagers and will understand.

I have a friend and his theory is that teenage girls are the way they are so that their mothers will be willing to let them go. Right now what is helping me deal with my 13 year old daughter (and her with me) is space. We both retreat somewhere else when need be. I also agree with talking in the car. One of the things I am having the most difficult time with is trying to determine when it is better for me to let her know something (like appearance, the way one laugh's, etc) or if it is better to learn the hard way from friends/life.

Curious. I have two daughters--at the end of being teens. I work with at risk teen-age girls. #1 rule of survival is what they are upset about has little or nothing to do with you mom!!! Once you take your ego out of the equation it will be much easier to help them through the minefield of jr. and sr. high school. We too enjoyed the threat of public humiliation by singing, dancing, moose calls. We reminded ours liberally that many life situations make GREAT wedding reception stories. It nipped a lot of teen tantrums in the bud. I find that giving credence to the drama only exacerbates it. Teaching them not to stir the pot, keep your or their sister's council and never ever ever participate in snarkyness with anyone outside the family will save them hours and hours of angst. A BFF today will be enemy #1 tomorrow--don't give anyone any ammunition by saying mean things about anyone else EVER. The world has changed 10,000% with the advent of social media. The wisest parent will keep cell phones/ Facebook /snap chat/tweeting out of their teens life as long as possible. That frontal lobe thing the other's were talking about--it is a HUGE issue where the use of social media is concerned.

SueB,

arcy +1

DD is a middle school counselor. Her advice.

5 Goals when a situation could lead to a power struggle:

* Treat your teen with dignity and respect.

* Stand Up for yourself. (SU does not mean Fight Back)

* Try to handle the situation the best you can w/out sending teen to room. This may need to happen, but try to show you can handle the issue in a realistic way that THEY can use in real life. (They can't send a friend to their room for being disrespectful to them)

* Become the 'Next to the Last Word' person. End stated expectations with "Thank You". Try to ignore the word "whatever".

* Teach an alternative to aggression.

~bgj

Cont.

Diffusing Skills:

Privacy - try to address issues in private, away from others and siblings.

Eye Contact - give message quickly and directly. (Look away from device or tv)

Listen - listen to the words your teen is saying and try to ignor tone. (Tone can be addressed later)

Acknowledge - your teen using words or actions. Stay away from sarcasm, criticism, opinions.

Agree - Ex: "It does stink having to do the family laundry but we all have things to do that we don't enjoy."

~bgj

You're lucky. It happened to our daughter soon after she turned 12. She hit the terrible 2's early too. She's 30 now and though we do much better, if we are together too long we drive each other crazy. Through it all, we both know how much the other loves us and will always be there for the other when needed.

Count your blessings. My DD#2 went completely insane when she hit puberty. Literally. She became totally wild and so angry at everything -- except me. really. We had a pretty good relationship. Which is why it was so devastating when she walked out the door one day, "bye, Mom!" . . . and I didn't hear from her in years. Had to file a missing child report, and even the police told me she was probably dead. She wasn't, but didn't come back until years later, alone, depressed, and with a two year old son (at age 18).

Turns out there were other issues going on that had little to do with me. She did eventually calm down -- as you've said, in her early twenties.

So my advice is -- don't give ultimatums you can't take back, be patient, and always keep the door and your heart open.

Thanks, this is all helpful stuff. I feel like I just read a brief and helpful parenting book! A lot of the general stuff I know or knew, but all good reminders. Fortunately, DD and I have a good relationship 99% of the time...so far. It helps to have a sense of humor -- for both of us. My son came home for spring break last night and today, with DD sitting right there, I said to him "Just a warning -- while you were gone, DD turned 14 and has clearly started reading the rule book on how to be a teenager so she's been a little cranky and dramatic." She laughed and said "I have not!"

I do think the fact that she is very active (gymnastics 20 hours/week) helps in that we are not joined at the hip and also the exercise is good for her mood (until it sometimes backfires and she gets tired and cranky!).

One thing I remember about this age -- when I was a young teen, my mother would often come into my room and want to "talk" and when I didn't want to talk with her (which was often) she would bug me, asking over and over, "what's wrong? is everything okay?" And as far as I was concerned, I was fine, happy, just not feeling like talking to anyone at the end of the day, esp my mom. I think DD is like me in that way -- after a long day of school, she needs quiet downtime. I find that if I give her space, she comes to me when she's ready to chat.

Hopefully some of this discussion will be helpful as well to the other moms of GW...I mean Houzz...wait, can we still call ourselves GW?

Try to ignore the word "whatever".

Good advice.

One other thing, though--- don't ignore your own internal warning signals. It's a good thing to respect your teen and give her room to breathe--- not questioning her about every little thing that happened at school, etc. BUT, keep an ear out for the wrong word or phrase you hear when she is on the phone, hushed plans when her friends are over, etc. Have her facebook password and check the messages randomly--- ditto the phone texts. All too often girls are pressured for sex, for "sexts," or to appear at parties, etc. by boys AND girls, and it happens completely beneath the radar. Things can spiral out of control before you even realize there's a problem because a week is practically a lifetime in Teen World. A friend's daughter was being stalked by a psychotic boy who threatened suicide if she didn't date him and the parents were unaware of it (nice boy, nice parents, private school) until the situation became dangerously volatile, The girl didn't want her parents to intervene because the boy said he would kill himself if she told anyone what was happening. When the parents found out (horrible story in itself) they tried to call the boy's parents, couldn't get in touch, called 911 because in texts he was threatening self harm, he was hospitalized briefly, his parents were furious at THEM and their daughter, school in an uproar, etc. This all happened over the course of two weeks. It was a complete nightmare for all involved. People who say you should not ever invade your kid's privacy by reading texts and FB messages have no idea what goes on in those private online spaces. Not the girl's fault but she was psychologically held hostage by someone and the parents did not know. It has taken a few years for them all to get over this.

I realise this is an extreme example, but the takeaway is to be very aware of what is happening in the social media of your child's life, especially the non public areas. Be sensitive to the tone of interactions and if you sense danger don't discount your perception or intuition. Your primary job is to protect.

Oh, I am completely on that. She doesn't do Facebook and only recently has been allowed on Instagram, and I monitor that (I access her account on my phone). And I have her phone password (it's a rule) and I monitor her texts, etc. She is aware of this and understands that this is one of the conditions that comes with the benefit of having an iPhone (which she only got when she was 14 -- apparently the oldest living child in our town to get one).

I made a few minor mistakes with my older two by not monitoring so closely, so I've learned my lesson ;)

If she calls you the meanest mom in the neighbourhood you're doing your job. :)

I was the meanest mom in the neighbourhood, although it turns out that so were other moms who were my friends.

My kids always had narrow boundaries of what was acceptable behaviour and what wasn't. I knew that (based on my own experiences) they would test and step outside of those boundaries. I was confidant though that when they did they would still be within a "safe" zone. Maybe that comes from having boys, I don't know.

Having her in a committed sport is the best thing ever. I think you guys will be ok.

Good for you, SueB20, you are a smart mom. We found with one of our kids the mere chance we might do spot checks was a deterrent. The others weren't always so smart. And it pays to know the parents of your kids' friends. One spring break one of ours went with a group of friends chaperoned by a mom I THOUGHT I knew pretty well. Turns out she and her husband stayed at a different hotel from the 16 year olds--- about a quarter mile away! Of course I found this out after the trip---it did not even occur to me to ask if the parents taking the kids to the beach were staying in the same hotel. I was so angry with those parents I didn't even know what to do. That was the end of our kids going on trips with their friends. I felt there was no way I could come up with enough questions to cover every possible weird idea or belief the parents might hold unbeknownst to me.

The book How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish was my child rearing bible for about ten years. I can't recommend it enough.

+100 kswl

Unfortunately, much of the detail in your example is Not atypical with teens. Stalking, manipulation, secrecy, instability...

DD strongly recommends parents monitor ALL devices. TIP: teens have worked around SnapChat. A friend will take a pic with their device when a SnapChap pic first arrives. Parents, this is a very, very dangerous app!

The challenges of adolescence is vastly different due to social media. And, parental guidance and interest has also changed.

…..or parents that allow friends of their kids to drink under age in their home…..(They are the COOL parents.)

Sueb20, our DS is getting a Facebook account because it is how some of his activities (like play rehearsal updates) and classes (just the students in the classes, talking about homework and setting up study sessions) share information. I am in a couple of those groups on Facebook too, but a couple are really for him. We say it will be just for that, but I know it will morph into something more. Fortunately, he is not one to be on his phone all the time, and his friends have figured this out so they don't text/call/etc all the time! If they want him they call me :)

True story: when older DS turned 12, our pastor (father of 3 teen boys at that time)'asked me if he'd started walking on the opposite side of the mall from DH and me yet. Yes, that very thing had happened for the first time just that day! Now he's 21 and no longer embarrassed to be seen with us in public. But it was comforting to know that our pastor walked in our shoes.

No advise. Just reading...

I keep thinking what would keep a kid from having more than one account if their parents checked on a regular basis and they wanted more privacy?

Absolutely nothing. And why not? You could have different personas on different accounts.

No advise. Just reading...

I keep thinking what would keep a kid from having more than one account if their parents checked on a regular basis and they wanted more privacy?

Fear. Fear of losing all their devices if they are found out to be untrustworthy. (And they will blow it at some point and an alert parent will know.)

The rules need to be set up early on.

ML

Pick your battles. Don't take anything personally. Mines almost 19 now.