Okay, long post. First, Im sending a great big hug to you. Second I definitely agree that for the safety and sanity of your family get him out of your life. You donÂt need his drama and neither do your little ones. They may not realize what is going on but they know when somethingÂs wrong. I think it would be a good idea to have Rhiannon talk to someone. ItÂs better to have someone impartial for her to talk to. My sister has been getting counseling for her and my 5 year-old niece after her relationship ended. Her husband was an alcoholic abuser; he wasnÂt abusive when he wasnÂt drinking and his abuse was mostly psychological, but she found out through the counseling that my niece was more aware of what was going than she thought. She was also very matter of fact when she would talk to the counselorÂjust "this is what happens whenÂ". My storyÂwhen I was 13 my uncle tried to rape me while I was staying at my grandmotherÂs. I didnÂt tell anyone and tried to block it from my mind. All I could do was make sure he was never around my younger sisters. I closed myself off from everyone and pretended everything was "normal", but was terrified of any close relationship. Luckily he didnÂt come around much for family get-togethers and if he did I stayed where my grandma or my mother were. Years went by and one day out of the blue, my grandma asked if something had happened with him. All I could do was nod and start crying. I had thought for all those years that everyone would be mad at me and I would be shunned. Instead she hugged me close and told me "heÂs my son and I love him, but I could kill him", which made me feel so much better. She was my most favorite person in the world. I wasnÂt alone with this anymore. I could breathe again. I got married, had two kids, got divorced, and life went on. I had told my husband before we got married, but still didnÂt talk about it unless I had to. I have two wonderful friends who helped me get through my divorce who I had told about what had happened. When my oldest was in middle school, one of her close friends told her she was being molested and my daughter told her stepmother who then reported it. My daughter was asked to give a statement about what she had been told and I decided that as much as I hated talking about what had happened to me, this was more important. I had my friends with me but still couldnÂt talk about it without getting teary. 20+ years after it happened, my sister made a reference to him and I admitted it to my mother. Every time I talked about it, no matter how hard it was, it felt a little better inside. I still have trust issues and probably always will, but thatÂs getting better too and I was able to write this without tears. It also helps me that he eventually died of stomach cancerÂkarma to my mind, but I digress. Your heart and gut say stay away from himÂstart with that. Cozy quiet holidays at home sound like perfect memories for little ones to me. Jen

Although it was in 2008, someone said above, "I agree that it is difficult to post on this [step] forum. . . it is hard." This is pretty much true today, almost 10 years later. It is still difficult for a SM to post on a step-forum without risking getting roasted. I find that those who usually insist on needing to know more and more "facts," are unwilling to take SM's word for anything and waiting for the right moment to jump on SM to discredit her. Bio-parents can complain all the time, but when a SP does, the first thought is usually SM is over-reacting and SK is being misjudged. A lot of this I see as a cultural or societal issue. Most have no clue what to do with SPs. No clue whatsoever, other than to try to pretend like they don't exist. What is normal or best for SMs? No one seems to really know. Even a lot of SMs aren't sure. Sure, there are some theories out there, but do they work? Like Imamommy said above, we are told to keep at arm's length, so to speak, but what does that accomplish other than ever-present awkwardness? Is it true that it takes a village to raise a child, except when it comes to SPs? Somewhat exaggerated, but I always say a SM's world is backwards from most other's "normal. It's a world where you are supposed to have no say in your own household, a world where you are supposed to give love and settle for nothing in return, a world where you are supposed to be a servant or babysitter and never get paid, and a world where you may be married to your DH but BM and adult SKs still get first dibs on your spouse. Society as a whole doesn't get it, and that includes even some counseling professionals. The entire focus is on pretending like the divorce never really happened to "make things easier" for the children involved. SMs, the vast majority of whom never got involved with DH until after the divorce, are basically expected, in the year 2018, to sacrifice themselves (a/k/a take the high road, suck it up and take it, be the bigger person, etc.) for another family's divorce and fallout from that. There is absolutely no way anyone can justify that a person is supposed to pay a higher price for something she had zero involvement in than the people who were actually involved. There is just no way. Some still try, however. Some SMs get lucky and have both supportive BMs and DHs, and some at least have supportive DHs. Other SMs have neither. And, in these situations where SM is lacking support, what is SM's reward for trying to be the glue that somehow keeps everyone together? It is usually to become the family scapegoat or punching bag. And, society endorses this. If SM doesn't accept her role as the family lackey and a lesser wife, well to get back at her, they'll just slap the Evil SM title on her. What it all comes down to is divorce sucks big time for everyone, but because society as a whole doesn't want to deal with the realities of divorce and wants to act like it is not that big of a deal, and pretend like mom and dad are still the real, one-and-only couple even after the divorce, that means that the only way to keep up this fiasco is to totally degrade anyone mom or dad goes on to get involved with or remarry, to totally discount them. And, to make matters worse, if they dare to protest, then you slap them with the Evil SM label or tell them they are not minding their place. SM's main role is to be a wife to her husband. Her husband's role is to be a husband to her and a dad to his children. SM is her own person, and she doesn't owe anyone anything for what has gone on in someone else's past and not her own. She shouldn't have to give a long laundry list to anyone to justify that she needs help and support. She wants to do the right thing, and it is certainly in her best interest to do so. But, the only support most ever seem to want to give a SM is to tell her that she is over-reacting and to suck it up and take it. I always tell SMs to do what works best for you, because no matter what you decide or do, someone will be there every time telling you it is wrong. Comes w/the Evil SM label finely embroidered on all of our chests.

I'm pretty sure there is more to it than what has been said. It's almost impossible to put it all in one post. What I interpret is that he doesn't have a problem with your daughter's kids, but that if you had custody of them, he'd have to deal with your daughter, which he has washed his hands of. You seem to agree that he has cause to feel that way so at least you are on the same page there. If she's that bad that her own mother has had enough, then I feel really sorry for those kids. Yes, they will always be tied to their mother, even if you have custody. and so you have to choose between your grandkids and your husband of 17 years. OUCH! Perhaps you could seek legal advice on getting guardianship of the kids and a restraining order on her? I don't know how bad she is or if you just don't agree with her choices. But, if it's hurting your grandkids, you have to put them first. They are kids and need someone in their corner. If it has to be you, then it has to be you. If he can't deal with it, then it's unfortunate. It sounds like a real mess if there are accusations from your daughter (of what?) that your husband doesn't want to deal with. I feel like there's a lot more to it than what you've said. If he just stuck around to help raise your kids, then they are raised and now he is going to leave because you 'might' get your grandkids. It's really a no win situation.

His arrest and conviction happened in the UK, where this man lived until recently. BM flew there to visit him for 2 weeks just a few months into their 'online' relationship, ended up staying for 6 months, and came back here with him a few weeks ago. In the UK he was on probation (or parole) until 2010, but his probation doesn't apply here, although my DH has met with the local police and discussed it with them. They have requested this mans file from the UK and will decide when that arrives if they will allow him to stay here or send him back. I believe they left the UK to come here because Child Services were going to take the new baby away when it was born. See, that's the part that really sucks for me. And I've REALLY struggled with this. Because I DON'T want this baby taken away from her - purely because it is my s/kids baby sister. At the same time, I don't believe this child will ever be safe with them. DH and I are hoping that if the police decide he cannot stay here, they will go somewhere else and not back to the UK. It really is a horrible situation, because wherever they go he will be free to do whatever he wants, but then at least he will be away from the s/kids. But what about other peoples children? What about their new baby?