Death of a vision....letting go

12 years ago

Well, I am sad to have to say that the kitchen I have been planning here, which you all have helped with, is now not going to happen. We were going to purchase my MILs house, put on an addition that would house the new kitchen, eating area and family room. We have had to scrap the plan.

My MIL has been living in an assisted living facility near our home. She has Alzheimers and recently they have moved her to the Alzheimers unit there. She had money aside from her house that has been paying the bills, but the bill is hugh and her money is running out. Like I said our plan was to sell our house and purchase her house and do the addition, etc. However, I guess we waited a little too long and there were other circumstances that held us back from moving forward in the recent past months. We were just now going to move forward, but my husband is worried about the complications of selling our house and purchasing hers with a 203K loan which could take longer than a normal loan...and her running out of money. Where she is, is a private pay facility...so no pay, no stay.

I originally wasn't even interested in her house until my husband suggested we purchase it (he was feeling sentimental about the house he grew up in). But after I started thinking about the house, my design wheels started spinning and I started growing attached to her house...especially if we could do the upgrades I wanted. If we could do the addition, I knew it would be a good move for us. I had a couple contractors come and they confirmed that what I wanted to do was feasible and probably wouldn't cost that much as to price us out of the neighborhood, etc. We currently live in a townhouse, she has a single family home with a detached garage. I also knew that we would be able to purchase it for a good price even with the cost of the addition, kitchen, etc. However, we just ran out of time, and our main concern in all this is my MILs care.

So now I need to let the vision die. Its really hard because over the past several months, I have thought so much about what I would do, I've become emotionally attached to the house. I would have loved to see the vision I had for her house come to fruition...but I guess it was not meant to be.

So I guess I am saying bye for now. My husband says that with this door closed maybe another better door will open. We will see.

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Comments (30)

wallycat
12 years ago
I am so sorry about your dream kitchen going by the way-side.
I am even sorrier that your MIL (your DH's mom) is dealing with Alzheimer's. What a horrible, horrible illness and what a strain on family.
Dreams can be rebuilt and I do hope something better will be in your future.
I know how hard it is to let go...we were going to build and DH waited and waited and as we are getting older and older, I just wanted him to have a chance at a retirement he envisioned, despite himself. So, we bought instead and with the cost of everything, my dream kitchen will be a shadow of its former self.
I tell myself it is "just" a kitchen. I can still prep food in it and I can still have some storage and after all...that is what kitchen are meant to be :-)

May your luck change and may your opportunity re-open for a bigger dream!!
Linda
12 years ago
(((((Hugs))))) I am so sorry. I do understand, having just lost my mother to AD after many, many years in assisted living. However, hang in there and believe in your DH's thoughts about another door opening. Everything WILL work out for the best, and be the way it was meant to be, in good time.
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Good morning, y'all -- just sitting down with my chai... First thing, (((mitch))) that *stinks* :( Good onya for standing up for your daughter and not taking no for an answer. She'll remember your tenacity and support for the rest of her life. (DH and I both have memories of how our parents *didn't* stand up for us to authorities ever, on anything, so we're determined not to make that particular mistake in this generation.) So this sounds like a movie, I know -- I think of Pollyanna but without the paralysis... As they told it to me, DH and DD drove down there last night at the end of practice, feeling a bit nervous as they pulled in, only to see the sprinters and the distance kids -- gasp -- playing Capture the Flag together! 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LOLOL I had also pointed out to DH that one reason the push and the lack of witness to it happened was that there aren't enough distance coaches to have one with each group of kids -- as the only distance coach who shows up reliably (others are parents who do ultramarathons and such, not track distance, and they help out with runs when they can) he has to juggle *all* the kids of all ages and abilities and he has to rely on the older kids to regulate themselves sometimes. Which obviously has its vulnerabilities. So the H.C. agreed to work from several directions to address this next year, seeing as the distance contingent has grown so much bigger since DH took over :). 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marcolo
12 years ago
Sorry to hear it.

If you were planning to purchase the house at actual market price, you still can--there's nothing stopping you. If she was going to let her son have the house for less, which is understandable, then no, there's not much you can do.
mmhmmgood
12 years ago
so sorry your dream kitchen is no longer just on hold and instead is no longer at all...it must feel like such a huge loss for you. I can't even imagine.

Of course your family comes before your kitchen, sorry to hear that your MIL is doing poorly.

I hope for you an even better plan someday and until then that the sting of this loss is brief.
katieob
12 years ago
Sorry to read this.

I do agree with your dh's philosophy, but such a bummer for the present.

Best wishes to your MIL.

Katie
colorfast
12 years ago
mercy, I am so sorry to hear of the challenges your family is going through. It is hard to get that far into a project that you love, and then have to do a 180 and head back the way you came. And most likely it was the one "happy thing" in your life as you faced your MIL's worsening condition. I wish I could help, because I want you to have your kitchen!

I am glad for you that you were able to find an opening in what sounds like a very nice home for your mother-in-law, and near your own home too. In our part of the country, there can be waitlists for the most desirable care facilities. Hopefully you will be back on the boards with another project one of these days....colorfast
lascatx
12 years ago
I'm sorry for your situation -- my mom is also in memory care and it is expensive.

Not to try to make this harder on you, but does your MIL own the home outright? Have you looked into taking out a loan secured by the house (like a mortgage or equity line -- might even be in the form of a negative mortgage) that would help pay MIL's expenses until your home is sold and you can buy the house? It would help you with the timing issue without letting the house go. You might have to live with the current state and take on the addition and renovations while living with the mess -- like the rest of us. ;) If this is something you both really wanted, I'd make sure you've looked at all the options.
remodelfla
12 years ago
It's an ugly ugly disease. And as hard as we try, no matter how we live our lives; we don't get to choose how we leave this world. Your MIL is fortunate to have a loving family surrounding her. In the end, you will find great peace in the knowledge that you all were there for her. It's a shame that you couldn't live your dream but your DH is right. Things always work out for the best. We can't always see that going through experiences; only on the flip side. Good luck to your family...and may your MIL find peace and dignity.
cardamon
12 years ago
I am so sorry to hear of what your family is going through. I am sad that you also have to change direction in your plans for now. I wish both you and you husband strength and peace in the days ahead. Your husband is right, something else is waiting in the future to be built or done and it will be even more right for you. Keep dreaming of the kitchen you want. The power of thought is very strong.
brianadarnell
12 years ago
Sad to hear its not going to work out. Everything happens for a reason. I really do believe that. Best wishes that everything works out for everyone.
kay161
12 years ago
Hello. We lost my Mom to an Alzheimer's-like dementia a few years ago. It was very aggressive, so she was only in a memory unit for 3 months. So terrible to watch a loved one "disappear" and to explain it to the grandchildren.

Don't ditch your plans too soon. With some up-to-date financial advice, you might find there's a way to take care of your Mom and deal with her house.

Good luck & stay strong.
decordummy_gw
12 years ago
Mercy I know how much it must hurt to give up your dream, but don't leave the Garden (GW). I am afraid that my dream of just a decent kitchen (never mind glamourous) may never come true, but in the meantime I love living vicariously through the beautiful kitchens of everyone here. Stay! Chat! Gather ideas for some day. A few stolen moments here may be a welcome respite from dealing with your MIL's illness (my own Mom spent the last few years of her life in a secure dementia ward). Whatever happens, I wish you well.
formerlyflorantha
12 years ago
I congratulate you for facing things, making decisions, and living in the new real world.

Good for you. Both of you.
abbeys
12 years ago
I know how sad it is to let go of a plan. But you should feel good about the decision you are making. Keeping your family as your first priority is more important. Best of luck with your MIL. Too many of us have experienced the "long good-bye" of alzheimer's disease. Take heart that all our angst over granite choices, etc... isn't so important after all. Take care. You and your family are in our thoughts.
bmorepanic
12 years ago
Very sorry for you and your family and your extended family.

Hope things go as well as possible, wishing you all the best.
enduring
12 years ago
Very sorry to hear of your unexpected change of plans. I wish you all the best in these coming months and years. Keep visiting, don't be a stranger please.
motherof3sons
12 years ago
((((HUGS))))

I know how devastating Alzheimers is to a family. My FIL lives in a special facility. MIL lives in another facility and is now showing signs of significant memory loss. Both are out-of-pocket facilities. They frugal and worked to build a significant savings; and what they thought to be an inheritance for their children. It is rapidly dwindling and my FIL refused to do any estate planning before the illness.

My prayers go out to you. Take a step back and evaluate. Sometimes we can be too close to an issue.
polie
12 years ago
My father's has Alzheimer's, so I think I can understand what you are going through though the particular circumstances are special to each person. My sincere condolences. It's quite admirable what you and your husband are doing for her best interest. Be well.
doc8404
12 years ago
Ugh. I am so sorry to hear of your MIL's situation and the ramifications it has on your family.

Prayers to your MIL.

Doc
nineteenoeight
12 years ago
So sorry you both lost your dream and are losing your MIL, the stress on your family must be so difficult. Take care of yourself.
carybk
12 years ago
I admire you for focusing on love and care.
dianalo
12 years ago
I was going to suggest a reverse mortgage for her too. It could buy you the time you need. I also think you need top notch legal care to get you through this process, but I am guessing you are already getting that.
I am so sorry she is going through this and that her family is suffering as well. It is an awful disease and one that is particularly hard on the survivors the patient leaves behind. May you find a way to get through this as smoothly as possible and I hope for her sake, she is blissfully unaware of what she is losing.
User
12 years ago
I'm going to second, or third, or whatever, the notion that you need a really good elder care lawyer.

If you have one, then great.

If not, most of them will do an initial consult for free. Most of the important laws are state-specific too, so while some of the folks here may have great ideas, you just never know what will really work in your specific situation.

My mom died in nursing care, and my elderly father is sliding downhill fast. Sometimes you can protect assets/property...sometimes you can't. All I know is, our lawyer has been worth her weight in gold to me.

Good luck to you. These are really hard situations.
Mercymygft
Original Author
12 years ago
Wow!! Thank you all for your posts of support and encouragement, you don't know how much a appreciate them.

I will address some of the points made later when I can really focus on what was said and can respond. But for now we really don't know what else to do, but sell her place. We already took a home equity loan out on her house to bide some time, but the bank is now saying we can't do any more because her income (social security) does not support a larger loan. I know my husband is just scared that if we try to sell our house and attempt to do the 203K loan it will take too long and her money will run out. The last thing we want to happen is have her get kicked out of the facility she is in, especially in her condition. Can't do a reverse mortgage because she is not occupying the house.

I know some have suggested a lawyer, but I'm not sure what a lawyer could do for us at this point. She would not qualify for any state aid until her assets run out, and the facility she is in does not accept state money anyway.

Keep posting any ideas you may have as nothing is set in stone at this point. Thanks again, and God Bless you all!!
boxerpups
12 years ago
Hi Mercy,

Truly sad to hear that you have to give up on your dream.
:*(
First having to deal with a mother in law who is struggling
with the emotionally draining and debilatating disease of
Alzheimers is in itself exhausting. I say this from
experience. Each day is a struggle for my aunt. We all take
turns caring for her but it is getting harder and harder.

And there is no doubt your dream of a new kitchen was
just one of the many ways you and your husband have been
coping with her disease. This was bit of pleasure while you
worry about her. Even in the home that she is now in.
But now this dream is taken away. Truly sad. I am
sorry for you and wish that I had a perfect solution. I
wish you could care for her in your home, but having an
aunt with this nasty disease I can tell you that is close
to impossible.

I agree the last thing you want is for her to be kicked
out of the facility.

Have you spoken with a financial advisor? Sometimes they
can give you some ideas (find a free one ) that can help
with ways to get the most equity out of the house.

Sending positive thougths and wishes your way.
~boxer
rhome410
12 years ago
I'm sorry for everything. My MIL has non-Alzheimer's Dementia that she's struggled with for about 10 years, and has been in a care facility for 2 yrs now. It's not a good way to live... Or not really live at all.

I also know the death of one dream, in order to realize a better one later down the line. A door closing can be a tremendous blessing. I hope that proves to be so for you. I know it's hard now, though. Hugs to you.
mudhouse_gw
12 years ago
I'm sorry too, you must feel like your lives are upside down.

I completely agree with the above suggestions of purchasing an hour or two of time from a good elder law/estate planning attorney, not necessarily to salvage the situation with your MIL's house, but to avoid missing anything else that would be good for you to know about in the future. We did so last year (I'm my mother's primary caregiver.)

One example (sorry, this is not very cheerful!) is that a medicare complaint, pre-need funeral policy can be purchased ahead of time. It's one way to set aside part of her estate for those expenses, and it could be beneficial to you (or other siblings) if you think her assets may eventually be depleted by her need for assisted living facilities.

Laws do vary from state to state, and there may be other issues (in addition to investigating any options regarding her house) that might be very helpful for you to learn about now.

My heart goes out to all of you as you navigate this very tough time. I agree with others, no need for you to stop being part of this nice GW community!
beekeeperswife
12 years ago
Just went through this with MIL too. Very difficult disease, especially for her children to deal with. I'm not sure what stage she is at, but if it comforts you at all to know this, we saw my MIL go from the fretting stage, where she knew something was wrong to being totally peaceful. Once she told my bil, "isn't this hotel beautiful? And they never charge me" Such a sweet world she was in. It is surely more difficult for those around the one with the disease because we remember them "when".

I'm sure your husband is right. When one door closes another opens. And with everything your family will have to deal with, you will be taking on enough stress without the stress of moving, and renovating at the same time.

Wishing your MIL peace and you, your dh, and his family the strength to deal with it all.

(((hugs)))
Bee
blfenton
12 years ago
I'm so sorry to read about your MIL and your forced change of plans. I agree with others in that I think a better and nicer future awaits you. We're dealing with elderly Mom's and their falls, ailments etc and it is taxing and can be tiring. So many of us are going through this and so know that you are not alone.

But don't leave. There are certain names that I recognize and whose comments I enjoy reading and yours is one of them. Because you have been through some of the process your information and insight could be beneficial to others.

I wish you the best on your new path and hope that you stay.
beachpea3
12 years ago
""Hugs>> to you Mercy...My mother had a form of Dementia that rapidly declined and was in assisted living for months before we last her....Like Bee said about her MIL..she finally stopped worrying about everything to believing that she was back in her boarding school with all of her friends..."some who even knew her grandmother"... Since she did not know who we were... we were always happy that she had "her friends". She met "new" ones every day. We did have an elder care attorney who was able to protect some of her assets so that we could pay for her care. Like the others here I strongly urge you to think about getting that consultation soon. Who knows that might be just what is needed to open that other door for you and your DH...down the road... In the meantime my heart goes out to you...and I hope you can pour a cup of tea or coffee or a glass of wine...depending on the time of day and join the GW crew when you can...I too currently live vicariously through the others here ...as my dream had to take a back door to help a very close family member through a crisis... there is no better diversion than this forum!
Best wishes to you and your family...
BPea
.

Death of a vision....letting go

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Death of a vision....letting go

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