Sorry, no advice; I am looking forward to seeing your responses. My DD is 6 1/2 weeks old, and my DH is EXACTLY the same! Hopefully, SOMEONE out there can reassure us! :)

Everytime I read one of these posts, I'm more and more grateful for my DH (DARLING HUSBAND) He is so involved with our DD. She's 4 months now. He can't leave the house without holding her and kissing her goodbye, to the point where if she was sleeping he'd still pick her up and kiss her. I wasn't too happy about that one :-) He takes the 9 or 10pm feeding (i'm in bed) and loves this special time with her he feeds her and changes her and puts her in her pjs and then rocks her to sleep. Plus it gives mommy her 8 hours of sleep.

I'm sorry for your situations, I don't have much advice only that it's not like that for everyone and I might try discussing it with your DH. Pick a time when you're not "angry" about it and ask why he seems disinterested, tell him how it makes you feel, "I'm hurt, I'm sad, etc. Hopefully he'll open up, I can't imagine they don't love their babies, they may feel nervous or maybe in there eyes it's a mommy's job period.

My husband is an adonis for a husband, but as a new daddy, he is alot like yours with the exception that he really pays attention to Raquel, but in MY ARMS. He almost never holds her but he loves to look at and talk to her. He has changed some diapers. IF I feel froggy, I'll run for DIAPERS and leave her, but she is almost always crying when I get home. She is always in her swing when I get home and it kinda breaks my heart that he can let her stay in there an just cry! SHe's getting better as she gets older, and I really hope that he'll kick in as daddy too.

Love you guys

Tamara

My DH is so wonderful. Ever since the very first he has changed diapers, held her, loved on her and when he gets home from work he always takes care of her to give me a break. I breastfeed and she won't take a bottle but when i'm breastfeeding he'll make me dinner, get me something to drink, get me the tv turner, anything...he's really great and i'm thankful to God for such a wonderful husband and father of my DD.

My DH is wonderful. DD is now just over a year old, but he has been doing it all from day 1. I was breastfeeding too, so he would do a bottle at night, and everything else that I did.

You need to have a serious heart to heart talk with your DH. I would kill my DH if he ever was like that. It is not acceptable in my book. If things don't improve, you may have to deal with that reality too. If that turns out to be the case, don't think that having a second child will make things any better. Sorry to sound blunt, but I have had friends in this situation, and they thought having a second child would help. It only made things worse, and the kids suffer.

I don't really have problems with my DH doing stuff with DS. But Ds is now a toddler and things change over time. He did help w/ Shane as a baby but not all the time. He liked his play time with him, when he'd come home from work and just act goofy or hold him and talk. I used to get so frustrated when Shane was little because I was w/ him 24/7. One time we were arguing about everything and DH said that to be honest, Shane was boring and he couldn't wait for him to get bigger so they could goof off and laugh and talk and go places together. I've mentioned this to others and they admit that they think that's the problem with their husbands. I read in a parenting magazine that the mother mostly does the stuff with the baby and child that needs to be done (like bathing, feeding, dressing, etc) while father is more of the person who they play with and just goof off and things. So to a guy, I would guess that it would be boring to just have this little one who cries, eats, goes to the bathroom and sleeps. Hopefully over time as your daughter ages, you'll see your husband taking more of a part in her.

He could also just feel uncomfortable with the whole parenting thing. He was away for all that time after your daughter was born and missed out of bonding time. Then men always feel they aren't doing things right. Most of us woman don't realize this but we really don't trust them to do the job right. You stand there and peek and wait for them to mess up so you can tell them. That frustrates them and makes them no want to help at all because they feel you think they'e incapable. I guess you could nicely suggest to him to please help you with bathing the baby or other simple jobs to get him closer to his daughter. I don't know if you breast or bottle feed, but it was a nice way for DH to bond with our son to feed him. He actually loved feeding him and got his turn when he was at home and was fine with it.

Good luck to you guys!

~Leslie~

My Dh was very involved with DD when she was born. We switched night time feedings and everything. He would change her, dress her, help bath her...EVERYTHING.

He was sooo excited for her to get older so they could intereact more. She is almost 4 now and they are the best of friends.

On the other hand, with Ethan, who is 2 months, I think he has fed him 5 times. Changed 2 diapers and dressed him once. Some of it is my fault, we only want two kids, and since I know this is my last baby, then I am kinda hogging him. I immediatly get up at night to feed, I do everything cause I want to cherish all his baby moments. DH states clearly that he isn't much of a baby guy and cannot wait for Ethan to get bigger. I don't like it at all that he is this way, I think he isn't bonding with him enough. He would rather play with DD or go sit at his computer. I guess a good heart to heart is needed since I am getting ready to return to work fulltime, and he is going to have to pitch in more.

I totally thought he would be great with this baby since he was so good with the first.
hollye

Posts like these pop up every few months and I posted one just like it probably 6 months ago!

My DD is much like yours and I can totally relate. Many other people responded to my post that their situations are pretty similar too.

Basically, I know DH is not going to be good at the infant stage. He gets better and better as time goes on and DD becomes more interactive and playful. Occasionally I still get resentful that DH is basically saying "I'll do more when she's more fun" - when I don't get a choice of only doing what's fun! Many aspects of parenting are flat-out hard work and not just fun, why does DH get to pick only the fun stuff?

However, like Tamara's DH, mine is more likely to "watch" the baby by letting her sit in a swing or on her play mat and not really interacting with her constantly like I would do.

Really, DH hasn't grown out of this behavior so much as agreed with me that I enjoy doing almost all of the baby stuff and he will always happily and willingly pitch in when asked, but our "default" is for me to do the baby stuff. DH has to be understanding then and pick up more slack on other things. He does more with cooking and cleaning up after meals (or else has to be willing to wait until I'm not busy with baby to do that myself - which may mean dinner at a much later time than usual); he does almost all of the bill paying, does his share of house cleaning; is responsible for all of the outside yardwork, etc.

I don't know if it's a gender thing or DH's individual personality. He loves his DD and has special times with her, but at this young age, the baby is more mommy's deal and we've just learned to adjust to life this way.

My own DH is somewhere in the middle. Some days he really wows me, other days I want to smack him. But then, he probably gets really annoyed that I never, NEVER, check the oil in my car. I don't notice if the car needs new tires until he tells me. I have never once operated the lawn mower. So it's kind of hard to complain that he doesn't change a diaper. I'd much rather change a diaper than mow the lawn!

At the risk of sounding old fashioned here, I wouldn't make the number of diaper changes or bottles the issue. Unless you really believe that he wouldn't do it even if you weren't there to do it. It seems like the biggest issue in the world when your only child is a baby and that diaper is the most frequently done activity in the house. But it really is not a bonding issue. Do you feel closer to your baby when you change diapers? Maybe some moms do, I do not feel it is a bonding time. Feedings are a little closer to bonding, but it is still a short lived thing in the life of a child.

So what do you do? Focus on what he does do for your child and tell him how much you like that. Encourage him to find his own way of bonding with the child. If you let the issue become fair and equal chores, you will each be able to ramble on and on about how much you do for your family, from oil changes to diaper changes. Make sure the issue remains spending time with his child, not lightening your load. If he is uncomfortable, ask him what causes it and work out a plan to make it better. Try not to dwell on what has or hasn't been done in the last few weeks, move forward. Consider your baby needs, from food to diapers to stimulation and love, and talk about how your DH can meet those needs.

My own kids are 8, 5, 2 and one on the way. I know I had times of resentment during the baby months, when I am totally drained. I remember with #1 getting up 3-4 times a night, DH sleeping through all of it then asking me the next morning if the baby slept through the night! Agh! I'm pretty sure he had a dirty diaper thrown at him once. But all of our kids are very close to their father regardless of how many diapers he didn't change. He had to find his own way to bond, and that was mostly play. And shopping, he saves them from the "educational" toys and makes sure they get something pure fun, too. When he found things he could do with them better than me, he took off!

Men and babies are like men and kitchens. OK, every once in a while you find a man who just knows what to do. But most are clueless in both areas. DH goes to clean up the kitchen and it takes him 2 hours to do what I could do in 20 mins. I send him to grocery, he comes back with all the wrong brands. I leave dinner cooking to run to the store quick, asking him to "watch" dinner, and he does, watches it burn from the couch. They needs specific details. DH gest a list of brands and size packages if I send him to the grocery. I leave dinner, he needs to be told "stir every 5 minutes until I get home." What is obvious to us women, men don't have a clue. So when you do need help with baby care, you have to tell him specifically "The baby needs fed this bottle then change his diaper. Then you can just hold him until he falls asleep and put him in his crib." You know they old joke about thinking the weight on the diaper package is how much it holds, not the size of the baby.

It's a long way off for you right now, but about the time each of our kids was 2.5-3 y/o they hit a point when they couldn't get enough of Daddy. Then he coulnd't resist them. And they would not have gotten to that point if he didn't find his own way of bonding before that. It just wasn't always the way I would have wanted him to do it because it didn't usually take any work off my shoulders.

Now their biggest "bonding" comes from the 8 & 5 y/o boys ganging up with dad to pick on mom! Having a child can be hard on a marriage. As much joy and love as it adds, it also changes the dynamics of your relationship. It takes time to work through that, and a lot of love and patience. So remember you are a team in this life, pay attention to each other, solve your problems like a team, and you will get through this.

Have they been properly introduced? Especially since he missed the initial months, as well as the months of being pregnant. Now there is a whole new infant who is his daughter and he hasn't had time to get to know her yet. They don't yet have a relationship like you and she do. As they develop one too, it will be a little different.

Most partners would have had the initial 9 month 'separation' during pregnancy, but extra months of time might bring on some extra stress of being faced with an infant.

Now, you and your daughter probably have regular routines. He might not want to 'interfere' or maybe he just knows or feels like you and your daughter seem to be just fine (if he's mostly a 'problem solver' then he maybe wouldn't be inclined to 'interfere' unless he thought he could do better). Only he knows what and how he is thinking and feeling. He might have not wanted to miss those initial months at all for example.

He probably won't act 'like he really want to' until he's got more practice and feels more like he knows your daughter (your is plural, but to him he may feel less 'connected' under the circumstances). And, even then his acting like he really wants to will probably look different from you acting like you really want to; and it might look different than you think he would look if he really wanted to.

You can try to give over more tasks, more regularly. Depending on what you know of your husband, you may or may not want to be there to provide support (if you are there, then he might feel reluctant to do anything). It's the day in, day out time spent with people that helps build relationships, and not the odd bottle feeding. He needs time to notice how his daughter responds to him as a person. Then he'll be better able to appreciate her cues and her routines. At that point, he'll be better able to meet her needs and jump up more than he has been.

different husbands are as different as other human beings, including babies; try to work with yours where you can and with what you know of him and you, and your relationship

My DH is kind of in the middle too. He wants to help although I don't think he knows what he's doing. (Although he can do a mean cloth diaper!). Anyhow, he'll offer to watch the baby when I need to run errands, etc. but it makes me nervous because "watching her" to him means letting her sit in her bouncy chair. If she cries he just gets frustrated and puts her in her crib. He thinks holding her when she cries will spoil her and that makes me mad. He will feed and diaper her though. And, many a times, he'll hold her in one arm and they'll watch TV or play on the computer together. (She's 10 weeks). I just don't like it when he ignores her crying. He'll be watching her on MWF when he's off (starting next week) and I hope all goes well. He is willing to take one of the nightime feedings but I have to literally push him out of bed because he claims he doesn't hear her crying. And, when he does do those feedings I wonder if he isn't too rough or careless with her because she cries a lot more with him than with me. But, if I say too much (criticize) he just gets angry with me. I, too, wish he would cuddle and love her more than he does though. You're right, the dog does seem to be more important to him than the baby! Sheesh!

My DH was tentative at first. He did change diapers and fed her her bottle once or twice, but I didn't think that he really played with our DD (now 14 months) very much. Now he is more involved and I think that is because she has become more interactive with him as she has aged.

I was frustrated at first and I still have moments of frustration. Like you I was a SAHM at first and my husband would not get home from work until 7-8 p.m. (We live in California too) He would come home and say he needed time to unwind from work and couldn't help. Hah! At one point I told him that was what the commute was for. My DH responded best to suggestions that included objective information that my suggestion was in our daughter's best interest. The new California campaign "play with your children their brain develops most dramatically by age 3" really seemed to have an impact on him. (as opposed to my telling him that if she wasn't accepted to his college alma mater that it would be his fault)

It was also helpful to leave them alone together for an extended period which I think gave my husband confidence in his abilities. When our DD was 3-4 months old they spent an entire day together. I came home and they had taken a trip to Toys R us and purchased an exersaucer. He was very proud of his purchase and it gave them something to do together. If you are gone for an extended time, she won't tolerate just sitting in the swing. He will have to do something.

Could it be that he just doesn't know what to do with her? When our daughter was 4 months old we took her to a free Gymboree class together. My DH said he would never do it again. In fact, I cannot believe he went with me in the first place, but we learned some fun games to play with our daughter that he still plays with her. I took DD back to Gymboree last Saturday and I was the only Mom, all the other children were there with their Dads.

It did get better for me and hopefully it will for you too.

My DH makes diaper changing into a game, where he sees if he can get DS to laugh, and even made up a Poopie Song! The more time they spend with the baby the better they are at it. My 2-1/2 year old adores him, and I'm sure the 4 month old will too.

Trish

I wrote recently that human males do not respond well to subtlety and I think it bears repeating.

Your huband probably feels that he doesn't know how to take care of the baby and just leaves it to you. If you want him to help you will have to ask him to do specific tasks. It is important to let him complete the tasks without negative comments from you. He will find his own way with the baby which may be much different from yours. You have to accept that. He does not have to do things your way. Nothing bad will happen to the baby if she watches football with Daddy. Nothing bad will happen to the baby if she is in the bouncy seat to long. (Paty-are you with me?)

As he gets more confident with baby (he never will if you constantly criticize) he will volunteer to spend time with her. Leave him with the baby for short trips to the grocery store at first and then for longer periods. He will get it.

Mommabear

I'm one of the lucky ones - my guy is very involved with diaper changes, cuddling and playing with our four month old daughter. He took great care of both of us for three weeks while I recovered from a nasty C-section infection. I'm a SAHM and lucky enough that my DH enjoys his job. When he gets home he's tired so I don't push our DD on him. He lets me know when he's ready for his daddy roll. He does get a panicked look when I try to get out of the house for a while - wondering if our girl will need feeding soon (even after I fed her 15 minutes earlier) and will gladly pass her to me when she's upset. I'm always ready to take her, hey if someone doesn't want my baby - THEY CAN GIVE HER TO ME !! (LOL) Don't give up on your DH - I think when babies are very young, some guys don't find them very interesting - I think it'll get better as your baby starts interacting with him. Good luck!!

My DH does pretty good. He took off for 3 weeks after her birth to be with us. He changes diapers, comforts her when she is crying (gives her to me when she won't calm down), and does give her a bath (but only when I tell him it's his turn to do it). I give him a lot of praises that he is doing a great job with her (he feels he doesn't do things "right") and that seems to help. However, when he is really tired from work I can't even get him to change a wet diaper:( I guess some days you win and some you don't. Keep trying to get your husband involved. I always tell mine, when she's all grown up you will feel like you really missed out and you can't get that time back. It's so true.

My DH wasn't involved during my pregnancy and that really upset and hurt my feelings. I thought and still do think it was because the baby was inside me and still kind of an abstract thought for him. Now our son is 4 and 1/2 months old and DH is better. I did have to have a serious talk with him though. I asked him if he loved our son? He said yes, and then I asked, then why don't you spend more time with him? He didn't really have an answer but ever since then I can tell he's making more of an effort. I'm not a psychologist, but I think part of it is that he did not come from a very strong family background. I know that for some people, like my BIL, it doesn't seem to effect him. But for my DH, I think it did. My family is competely different from his, and I'm hoping that the more time he has with them the more he'll realize that not all families are like his. My family lives 5 miles from us and his is out of state so hopefully we'll rub off. I don't expect changes overnight though, he's been this way for 28 years, so I imagine it'll take a few years to change his way of thinking. Well, I don't know if this has helped at all. I just thought I'd put my 2 cents in, since I didn't see anyone else mentioned the family thing. Good Luck.
Jennifer

Well, my DH is great. Once he's home he'll do anything and everything. As a matter of fact he's always on me, does he need to be changed, has he ate, is he tired, etc. He gets up w/ him most of the time during the night. I really thought that after the baby was born I'd be doing everything. I thought this bc he's an Equity trader and trades on the Nasdaq, we live in SoCal, so he works on New York time, leaves at 5 am comes home around 2 pm. He's a first time daddy and wanted a son so bad, now he's here and he spends as much time as possible. He always tells me how he can't wait till he can walk and they can do things together. I have an almost 8 yr old (in April), and I raised her, her father was out partying all the time in the very beginning and then we went our seperate ways, I know how difficult it is taking care of a child yourself. The only thing I can suggest is to talk to him, the key to a good relationship is communication. Maybe he doesn't realize you want him to help out, or maybe he's just that way and you shouldn't expect anything from him. Either way, talk to him. :-)I wish you the best of luck, Johanna.

Oh Nox225, I SOOOOO relate!!

I've been absent from the forum for a while and have been wresteling with this problem too -- it's such a relief to know I'm not hte only one whose DH isn't gaga over the new little one. Like your DH, mine hardly does anything for DD, and when he does, it's b/c I've specifically asked him to do so.

I've talked with DH about it (maybe harped on it too much even??), and in our situation, he's resentful of all the "missed opportunities" that result from DD joining our family ahead of schedule. (vacations we can't take, more $$ we're spending, etc.) This was an issue all through the pregancy for us, and continues still, although it is decreasing so I"m hopefull. even though I'm getting up 3-4 times a night, DH is sleeping through all of it then asking me the next morning if the baby slept through the night! Agh! He's also uncomfortable around DD and doesn't know what to do w/ her so she tends to cry in his arms, which just reinforces his idea that I'm the better care giver. I keep trying to suggest what he can do with her, but it's hard not to sound like a nag at hte same time. Sigh.

I'm sure both our hubbies will get more involved over time, in their own ways,let's just cross our fingers that it's so!!! I'm so glad to read others' suggestions for the situation.
JenH

Everyone has their gripes about dh does and doesn't do. I'm not going to go into mine. I'll just say he has his moments.

This won't help the original poster, but it might someone else. Something I did early on in my pregnancy to get my husband involved was to send him the weekly updates of what is happening with the baby's development. Babycenter.com has has a weekly update and so do some of the other sites. I also had dh come with me to most of my doctor's appointments.

The hospital where I had ds has all private rooms in the maternity ward. DH was allowed to stay at the hospital with me and ds. He didn't have the opportunity to think that ds and I were bonding while he was being left out. DH had never been around babies before so he started out with holding baby's hands while I changed the actual diaper, but I kind of pushed dh into doing things because I didn't want to get stuck with it all.

Once I got him helping, I've tried not to nag if DH does something in a way I wouldn't do it. For instance ds is now 20 months and if DH gives him a bath, there will be water all over the floor because dh and ds like to play with the squirt toys. I just have to let it go. It's only water. If DH cooks for everyone, then he's allowed to make whatever he wants with whatever spices he wants even if it means that we have hamburgers 2 or 3 times a week. Things aren't perfect, but they are better than if I didn't try to do something.

The above posters are right. DH does seem to help more (on his own) as DS becomes older and DS has gotten to the age where he has preferences. It's mama's job to get up in the morning when he gets up so he can tell my what he wants for breakfast since my role is apparently to take care of his needs. Daddy's job is to be fun.

For everyone who has written: does it make a difference who wanted the baby more, before pregnancy? My husband has been interested in having a baby longer than I have and it is only this year that I feel ready to start that process. If the husbands are gung-ho from the start does it bear out that they help out more after?

Hi all, I'm visiting from the PG forum (expecting our first) and here's my two cents on this interesting subject!

Ami194, I'm in the same boat as you: my DH has wanted kids for a long time and finally at the beginning of 2000 I agreed that we could start trying to get PG. In Sept 2000, I got PG and my DH has been SO involved in everything. He has come to every single OB visit (he asks me when they are before I even have to tell him). He asks me every day how I feel and says he can't wait to feel Peanut moving. In the morning he kisses my pooch and says hi to Peanut, and at night he reminds me to take my vitamins. In a couple of weeks we are starting our Bradley method classes, and he plans to be my coach (much more involved than Lamaze coaching, but he wanted it that way).

He's already told me that he'd like me to get a breast pump so he can do some of the late-night feedings when Peanut comes. He's also planning on rearranging his hours so he can be home till noon three days a week to spend time with the baby.

I know I'm very lucky to have a DH who is so involved, and every day I thank my lucky stars! But I've also made it a point to involve him by telling him how I feel...and I signed him up for weekly updates thru Babycenter.com to help him understand how Peanut is growing.

Hopefully, if your DH is very interested in having a baby, he'll also help out more afterwards. It looks like that's how it'll be for me, but we'll see after July! :)

Good luck,
Morgan
EDD 07/06/02

My DH was gung-ho about kids before, during and after the pregnancy. It's a good subject to discuss before marriage just so you know what you're in for. Although if you love the guy I imagine you'd get married whether he was enthusiastic about kids or not! Less often there are women who feel the same way.

Trish