I will do cross the same parents both ways and have not seen much of a difference between the 2 sets of seedlings. They have always almost all looked alike, and every so often one pops out that looks like a step child. I have two sets that come to mind. AVANTE GUARD X UNKNOWN & UNKNOWN X AVANTE GUARD, all of the resulting seedlings were for the most part yellow to orange in color with stippling, but there is one I call "FLOPPY RED" that is a muddy red with no stippling. There are a couple interesting seedlings that I have kept. INCHON X SOUTH SEAS & SOUTH SEAS X INCHON, these are all shades of whatever color you want to use to describe SOUTH SEAS. There were some nice seedlings in the group, I kept 2 that I thought had better form than SOUTH SEAS. On the other hand INCHION X STRAWBERRY CANDY & STRAWBERRY CANDY X INCHION gave me a wide variety of colors. INCHON gives up its color well, and has pretty nice form, which was better in the plants with it as a pod parent. There vere probably 12 to 18 seedlings in each group, I don't consider that a long cross, but I feel it gave me a good cross section of what they could produce. I only grow out about 6 to 10 of a cross now and if anything interesting pops up I repeat it and grow more. There are some no brainers for example FORESTLAKE RAGGAMUFFIN X almost anything is worth growing as many as you can.

I would say that there are about twice as many adoptees searching than birthparents. Many birthmothers feel that they have no right to search, that they gave up that right when they signed over their children. That does not mean that they don't want a reunion. Birthparents are more afraid of looking also because the adoptee might not even know they are adopted. A birthmother knows that she is a birthmother. It is far better and easier for the adoptee to search. Birthparents usually just came to our meetings just for support or in case their child was there. I also believe that unless it is an open adoption, it is best to wait until an adoptee is an adult and better equipped emotionally to do the search. Teen years are hard enough to survive. Yes, the truth is worth knowing. Honesty is important. Done correctly even though the news may be bad, it doesn't have to mean sad ramifications that can't be dealt with. LOL If I knew all you wanted was a huge inheritance, I would not help you with a reunion. We are talking emotional well-being here. When I did a search with an adoptee, we had many a talk on all of the what if's, I made sure that an adoptee had someone to go to for councilling if necessary. There was follow-up. It is your sister's right not to do a search. I respect that immensely. Just as I haven't passed on much in the way of information to my twin because she doesn't want to know. I have a scrapbook made for her about our birthparents and how I have done the search and the details. If she ever wants to see it, it is hers. I did it just in case something ever happened to me and she changed her mind. If she never wants to see it, so be it. It is her right not to know. BTW, Birthmothers are very special people. They did the best they could at the time. It isn't an easy decision to make, and for all the birthmothers out there, I give you a huge hug. It is far easier nowadays to keep children and far more accepting. Years ago, there was no support.

cawfe - thanks for your thoughts. Unfortunately my ex lives about 30 min away, so isn't available for much in the way of picking up/dropping off, unless it's on a weekend the boys are with him. I'm pretty much the primary parent, and my fiance helps when I have a scheduling conflict, but we don't rely on my ex for anything logistical. You're right, Dad's feeling left out although the boys are generally pretty circumspect in what they tell him of my fiance. They tell me nothing of my ex's GF (not that I ask except in the context of something else). sweeby - counseling is still an open question. The counselor who's doing the assessment of my older son has made it clear that she's not the right person to help us with co-parenting because that would put her in a dual role. She's happy to refer us to others, but the whole idea makes me tired. I can't tell you how many years we spent in counseling while we were married, both together and individual. I'm hoping that my son's counselor can help us get to the bottom of any harm that might have been done to him as a result of his father's fears. One alternative I'm considering is to give up on my ex ever changing, and instead work as a "family" within our current structure, the 4 of us (myself, fiance, 2 boys) and go to family therapy to talk about all of our concerns. This to me seems much more useful. I'm coming to the conclusion that in order to co-parent, there has to first be a foundation of trust and respect. Unfortunately we don't have either, and by the time we "get there" with a counselor, my sons will probably have gone off to college and the point would be moot. I'm pretty discouraged about making any progress, but then again I realize how stuck I am. It's late at night, I'm hoping all of this is somewhat coherent ;-) Ann

We trusted our kids, too, and were never disappointed. We always allowed flexibility with deadlines like suppertime and when to be in for the night, and it was never abused. The kids knew we were always home, to call us for any reason at any time if they needed to. Just this last winter our dtr, AGE 26 (TWENTY-SIX!!! She's the 5th of our six kids) called at 1:30 AM to ask Dad to pick her up downtown because she was sober, her friends were drunk and she wasn't driving. He did, told me she was very upset, said things like "We're 26! They're such jerks!" Keep the lines open. It's great that DS wants her to come to your house! Don't worry about cleaning or what to eat, just make it a pleasant place to be. Kids like reasonable rules - and they expect to "Keep the door open" unless there is a gang in there...then YOU'll want it closed! Here is something that always made me kind of mad, yet it was kind of a compliment: Other mothers would tell their kids, "If it's OK with Mrs. M, it's OK with me." They didn't have to argue with their kids - I took the pressure off for them. It was always our house the kids hung around, from pre-school through college. Sounds like you might be the standard-setter for your kids' friends, too. Nice that the girlfriend's mom sounds reasonable, too. I had my share of "discussions" with other mothers, and sometimes you have to be the bigger jerk. It's not easy watching their hearts break when it comes to that. My kids had close friends break their hearts with bad decisions, mean things, etc., as they were growing up, as well as the BF-GF breakups. It's often the end of the world, but it's the way the world goes on. Be a good listener. You've got a good kid there, and that's the way he'll stay.