Ah yes, Its fun isn't it?
DD is 14 not allowed to date, but talks/texts a special guy friend and they are "going out" (I always ask where they are going because neither are allowed to date-DD rolls eyes at this and says "That's what everyone calls it".)

In her case, I monitor her texting and try to ask friendly questions- I think in her case it is more of puppy love than anything else. As a matter of fact, he has already made her mad today and she is steaming as of this moment LOL-
This doesn't make me happy/upset because I am used to him- if she got a new friend I would have to go thru the drill sargent questionaire again LOL

In your case- I would allow the girlfriend over because you are going to be there and you have them on your turf where you can keep and eye on 'em.

And yes- I keep a pretty short leash on DD too. She hates it too but that's what we caring parents do. Try not to stress too much. I will worry much more when she is able to drive and date. eeekkkk............Scary

nan, are both your sons older, or just the one whose pic you posted tonight?

Did you have similar rules/standards for him as you do your daughter? How different has it been?

This DS is my oldest. I also have a DD, 8, and two other boys.

Be glad he is willing to have her come over while you are home.....just to hang out.
I am so glad my kids are grown!

DD-oldest at 24
DS-in picture 23
DD-14

They all had the same standards. I know some parents give boys a different set of rules than girls but not here. We feel like they are all equal and treated the same no matter gender.
DS- was very quiet and did not date much in High School. Kind of a late bloomer-had more trouble with him bringing home stray dogs than girls LOL
OTOH-Oldest DD we cut our molars on her EI YI YI she was a handful- always pushing, testing, smart mouth, wanting a longer leash...and to date earlier.
The rule was group date(where we take them to movies and pick them up and they meet up with their friends-boys and girls)at 15 and 16 then around 17 IF we meet the date and approve then they can date with a very early curfew like 10:00. LOL

The kids all realize their friends are welcome here to hang out- watch movies. They are supervised and we know where they are. Much sanity for us parents:)

You are right on the target. Don't worry. I think you need to talk about entertaining and girl and where in the house. Most kids want to entertain in their rooms where the music and belongings are. IF you are comfortable with that, be sure to instill that the door stays open at all times. Waltz in unannounced regularly to ask if they want soda, crackers, popcorn, etc.

Good luck!

Stephanie, I have always enjoyed reading your posts, because you seem to be so sensible in the way you are dealing with your children.

This reminds me of when my DS was 15 and he was so smitten by a girl at school. I even remember her name was Jennie. I remember the day that he declared to me that "Jennie was the only thing he cared about, and that was just the way it was." I felt a little pang in my heart, knowing how deeply he meant that, and also knowing how short lived those young romances are. Sure enough, it didn't last very long, but he was devastated for a while when it ended.

We used the term "short leash" with him, and I had not heard that before, or since, until I read this post.

The fact that "things are different now" is used often, to bend the rules too much I think. You have good instincts and will know what to do in each of these new situations.

Just be there when his heart is crushed by that cute little vixen!!

Sue

Another item for which to be thankful ...

... kids are in their 40s!

o j

We have 3 kids and so far only 1 boyfriend/girlfriend situation. Oldest DS just graduated from high school and hasn't really dated. He's met some girls at Starbucks and the mall, but hasn't brought any home. Youngest DD is almost 13 and has a wonderful friendship with a boy, and she brought him home once, but it's pure friendship. Middle DS will be 16 in November and had his first and so far only girlfriend when he was in 5th grade. She called all the time. Her family invited him over a couple of times and he went with them to the fair. Finally he said to me, "Mom, I realized I don't want a girlfriend. They are too much work!" LOL!!! And he hasn't had one since.

I'm not surprised my kids are late bloomers with this stuff. DH and I met in college and neither of us had really had that much experience with dating. Our kids have inherited it. I am so very thankful!

However, we've had other issues with oldest DS and peer pressure that were most likely worse than girlfriend stuff. Parenting is hard!

Sheryl

I think it's great that he feels comfortable having her over. I really think it is better to let him him these safe "dates" while still reliant on you.

I don't understand why your DH would want him to wait until he drives and has a job. Those two things don't make a teen instantly ready to handle a relationship. Actually I think it's asking for trouble. Much better the social transition take place under your watchful eye. I know a lot of kids that grew up with a TOO short leash and just couldn't handle the freedom well when they finally got it.

I gave my kids a very long leash.......but they always knew I was holding one end and they had a choke chain on their end if they messed up. LOL

The dating thing. This is always a hard thing. The kids "know" they are in love and the parents know different. You just have to be on top of all of it. I think at 14-15 it is a good idea to limit the time together. Especially the alone time. Our kids were never allowed to have girlfriends ( boyfriends) in their rooms with the doors closed. They did alot of school things.

I remember our son had a girlfriend that called all the time. It drove me nuts.. They fought all the time. I finally sat them down and had a talk with them. I can tell you the girl did not like it. I talked with the mom and she was as dumb as the girl. She has 3 girls and they all have had numerous marriages. DUH......... I just wonder if she has figured it out yet...

Our daughter started dating a boy at 15. They went through college together, bought a house together and it all ended after 11 years. Daughter and I talked about it a couple years ago and she now says he wasn't the right one. She looks at him like we did. But, at the time you can't say anything. Youngest one didn't date much so it was easy..

Now I can say at 31, 37 and 39 they are all happily married and have children. All are doing well and have good jobs.. Life is good.

I remember the one thing we stressed was that they get good grades in school and go to college. We gave up alot to see that they got that college education. Giving them a good start in life is the answer. Now it is more important then ever..

Those of you that are keeping an eye on things, keep up the good work. You will never regret it. It is their future that you are looking out for. They can still have tons of fun with mom and dad watching.. Believe it or not, someday they will thank you.

susie

Like Wildchild I gave my kids a very long leash. I trusted them completely and told them I
would unless/until they gave me reason not to.
They didn't have to earn my trust.
Neither one of them ever let me down!
Several years ago my son paid me the greatest compliment I think a parent can get. He said that when he was in high school that the kids he hung around with were doing some pretty wild things and he could have easily been doing the same things. He said he didn't, not because he was afraid of getting in trouble but because I had always put so much trust in him to do the right thing that he just couldn't let me down!
My kids had alot of freedom and they handled it well.
I think as parents we all have to do what we think will work for us and our kids.
Somehow they all turn out and we survive!!
Sounds like you are doing what works for you and that's what matters.
Having said all that, I sure am glad I'm not raising kids now!! LOL

Like Jenni and Wildchild, I gave my kids (3 sons) a long leash.

I do remember when my oldest went on his first real date. He had his driver's license and I let him use my car. I didn't tell him what time to come home because I figured the girl would have to be home early and he would come home right after dropping her off. Well.....he got home at 2am!!! He said the girl didn't have to be home at a certain time. Thank goodness they spent most of that time watching tv at her house! That taught me a lesson about not having a curfew.

I went through some trying times during their growing up years, but all turned out well. They are all responsible, good guys. I'm also happy that my two youngest haven't even considered marriage. They are 24 and 22 and I hope they wait a long time!!! My oldest is happily married to his beautiful wife and my wonderful DIL!!

I am also so happy that my child-rearing days are over!!!

My youngest son had a friend who was on a very short leash. He was the best guy and I loved to have him over to our house. But when he got out on his own I think he was so glad to not be monitored all the time. He's 22 and has already been married and divorced.

So I think a healthy balance is best.

Stephanie,,,
I too have a teenager(just turned 16 and got his license) in addition to an 18yr old boy and 13 yr old girl. The middle boy is going to be a junior in high school and has had a girlfriend for almost a year. They are both grounded and have good heads on their shoulders. I ENCOURAGE the girl to come to my house, as long as at least one parent is home. What better way to get to know her and see how he treats and talks to her. I have a rule of no bedroom visits. They can be in the living room, the kitchen, outside, and the computer room(all of which mom can hear and see). Although I trust him, it just isnt right to let a girl in a teenage boys bedroom. I, like wildchild, have my kids on a pretty lengthy leash, but the choke chain at the other end is NEVER pleasant.
Just know that what works for me, may not work for you and vice versa. Just keep doing what you know!!
Marla

I was a very late bloomer. Very quiet and shy, didn't have a date in high school, (I'm female), lots of girl friends-we played records, visited at each others houses, just no boyfriends, very good at school, had a brief friendship with a boy I met at church, went to the movies a couple of times, his parents drove us, the movies were Dr. Zhivago and The Sand Pebbles with Steve McQueen and Candice Bergen, but we "broke up" as the summer ended and we both returned to school, never had another "date" till I met a guy in college. I fell hard for this guy, started having (gasp) sex, I wanted to get married but he didn't. I wish I had dated more because the breakup was awful on me, by then I had basically cut myself off from even my old gorlfriends, my only "friends" were his, when we brokeup I was alone. Really wish my parents had been more lenient with me and I'd had more experience in high school. But everything eventually turned out. I finished college, got a great job, moved far away, rented various apartments, met my future husband and the rest from there has been good. We have a nice home with no mortgage, two beautiful daughters, in short "happily ever after." I think a tight grip on your kids is bad, let them learn and make some mistakes when they're young. Don't constantly bail them out, let them learn to work for money, don't just hand them money.

There's some very good advice above.
Our daughter is 26. The boys are 24, 21, 19 and the youngest will be 15 in October, and also, a sophmore this Fall. I'd give the okay to have her over. It's a compliment that he wants to have her in your home and around his siblings. Keep the doors open and I always liked the "unannounced visit"; it keeps them on their toes.
Like some others mentioned I've seen kids that were held on a very short leash graduate and go off to college totally unprepared for their newfound freedom. They end up going off the deep end.

Ron

We trusted our kids, too, and were never disappointed. We always allowed flexibility with deadlines like suppertime and when to be in for the night, and it was never abused. The kids knew we were always home, to call us for any reason at any time if they needed to. Just this last winter our dtr, AGE 26 (TWENTY-SIX!!! She's the 5th of our six kids) called at 1:30 AM to ask Dad to pick her up downtown because she was sober, her friends were drunk and she wasn't driving. He did, told me she was very upset, said things like "We're 26! They're such jerks!"

Keep the lines open. It's great that DS wants her to come to your house! Don't worry about cleaning or what to eat, just make it a pleasant place to be. Kids like reasonable rules - and they expect to "Keep the door open" unless there is a gang in there...then YOU'll want it closed!

Here is something that always made me kind of mad, yet it was kind of a compliment: Other mothers would tell their kids, "If it's OK with Mrs. M, it's OK with me." They didn't have to argue with their kids - I took the pressure off for them.

It was always our house the kids hung around, from pre-school through college. Sounds like you might be the standard-setter for your kids' friends, too. Nice that the girlfriend's mom sounds reasonable, too. I had my share of "discussions" with other mothers, and sometimes you have to be the bigger jerk.

It's not easy watching their hearts break when it comes to that. My kids had close friends break their hearts with bad decisions, mean things, etc., as they were growing up, as well as the BF-GF breakups. It's often the end of the world, but it's the way the world goes on. Be a good listener. You've got a good kid there, and that's the way he'll stay.

Let her come over. IMO that is the best kind of date or time to spend together. Around your family with other siblings around, you won't have to worry about what they are up to because they will have absolutely no privacy.

When my DD and DS was that age that is the only kind of date they could have. They could spend time at my house, even up in their bedroom (with door always open of course) or I would drop them off at a movie or other place and then pick them up when it was over. My kids where on pretty short leashes too, but they didn't know it. They could do a lot of things and go a lot of places at that age, but the key was they had to be public places or adult supervised things. I always thought you had to give them age appropriate slack on the leash until they were mature enough to be on their on, if you don't they will go wild when they do have their freedom.
Recently when my daughter went to orinetation for college, a group question was asked-how many of you guys have ever snuck out of the house at night to meet up with friends or for whatever reason-my DD was the only one who didn't raise her hand-she told them the reason was because I let them do things on their own within reason, and the fact that she knew I would kill her, and her bedroom was on the second floor helped a lot too. LOL Go with your gut-always

Stephanie - our kids are the same age and seem to be going through exactly the same thing - except mine is my DD. She is 15 and will be a sophomore in high school this coming year. This is her first boyfriend. She is not allowed to "date" as in they can't go anywhere by themselves. I allow them to go to the movies if there is a group of them going.

Summer is a challenge. One good thing is her BF has been gone to Hawaii for a month so that helped a lot. lol I do allow him to come over to our house as long as I am home and she is allowed to his house as long as an adult is home. She knows the rules and I trust her. They are not allowed in her room at all. They pretty much have to stay visible to me. Most of the time they are in DS's room with the door open, playing Nintendo or WII with DS. lol

It's scary having them grow up, isn't it? I'm like you, there are times when I just want to say STOP too. I'm not ready for this. But they have to grow up and she's a good girl and your son sounds like a good guy. DD and I have always had a good relationship and are very open with each other so communication is really good. That helps a lot too.

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate your support and thoughts.

I told DS last night the girl could come over. However, DS said this morning that her dad said no, so I don't think she's coming. I think her parents wanted more definite plans of what would keep them busy than I did. She might come later, when we're having a sort of block party.

I think I'm reasonable in his "leash length." These days, it seems like so many kids his age are practically UNleashed, so it's relative. I am flexible, he just needs to tell me what he wants to do, show me that he has it thought out, the who, what, where, when, how of it all. As long as it's a good plan, I'll usually give him the go ahead. I give him respect, privacy, space. I even resist reading notes I find in his pockets doing laundry. ;o) I don't tell him when to go bed or when to do his homework, he just does it. I did step over him to ask to have him placed in an honors English class next year, which means he has required reading this summer. That's about the most controlling thing I've done lately. I don't want him to feel like I'm looking over his shoulder all the time. I just want him to know I am paying attention.

I think DH's words are just DH not wanting to admit he's old enough to have a teen son with a girlfriend. ;o)

The funny thing is I met DH when I was 15 and a sophomore in HS. I had a no-dating-til-16 rule, but my parents bent it and allowed me to go with him (2 years older, even) to his senior prom. We went on to date a couple other people and didn't marry until after college. Parenting changes when you remember being your kid's age, and it seems like yesterday!

Sheesh, kids. As I'm hitting the submit button, DS is in here telling me "She's on her way, we decided we'd go to the pool, and her mom said it's OK as long you're going too."

OK, guess I'm taking a bunch of kids to the neighborhood pool.

Stephanie, I think you've got it just about right! Bravo that you're not reading his private notes! (It's hard not to, though, isn't it?) As for the Honors English, you're his mother, you did the right thing and he'll be glad you did.

"I don't want him to feel like I'm looking over his shoulder all the time. I just want him to know I am paying attention." PERFECT!

Such good advice all. Nothing better than having the younger siblings around too! My younger kids were always more than happy to "tattle" on thier big sister! LOL!

Steph,

You sound totally together on this. It sounds like both of these kids have great parents, and the parents obviously have great kids and great instincts. I think it's wonderful that your son is so comfortable with his family. Even though he doesn't get to have his friend over, at least not yet, I'll bet you're all going to have a memorable summer. Best wishes in your new chapter of Adventures-in-Parenting!