I was 38 yrs old and my husband was 35. We were married for almost 13 yrs and together for 18 yrs almost also. We had the best marriage anyone could ever have. We had 1 son 13 yrs. old together. We both had great jobs and a loving family. One morning I woke up, year before last, which was April 2014 to finding my husband in our house. He had past sometime during the night of a heart attack. His heart was enlarged and exploded. He was kneeling in a praying position over the side of our tub in our main bathroom. I found him at 8:35am that morning. Our son had stayed on our living room couch watching a movie that night. When I found my husband (my soulmate) I had to call my mom about 8 miles from me to tell her my husband was dead. She immediately said I will be right there. Then I had to go outside and call my neighbors 32 yr old son to come wake my son up and take him out the backdoor of my house to their house and keep him there. Then I called 911 and I told them I found my husband dead in our home and I didn't want them to show up with their sirens on or to be seen by my son that was at my neighbors house behind my house. When the police questioned me some, which is their protocol to do when something happens like that, I felt like I had done something wrong, which I totally didn't. They told me, they had to send his body for an autopsy. Well I found him on that Saturday morning and the results from autopsy came back that next Monday a few days later, saying he died of cardiomegaly. Anyways all that being said, almost 5 months later I met my friends brother and got with him and 1 month later which was almost 6 months after my husband past away, I got pregnant with a babygirl. Thats apparently what happens, when you try to fill a void in your life after such tramatic experience. My mind wasn't at all there, until I was 5 months pregnant and I told the guy sorry I can't be with you cause I don't feel right. Anyways my son was so upset saying it's dad's baby, mom. I felt so bad and still do for the additional pain I caused my son which was the only child at the time. It took until now for him to accept my babygirl. The father hasn't been around since I was 5 months pregnant. The judge knew and the attorneys what I had went through. So when I went to court when my babygirl was about 6 months old, the judge and the attorneys favored me with child custody and everything else. The guy I had the baby by, had to start spending time with my babygirl and paying me to help raise our babygirl. I felt bad for him but it took 2 to make my babygirl. Anyways anything can happen after losing your soulmate. I used to say how in the world can so and so go out so soon after there mate passes. We'll now I know. I would never judge any widow for what they do. So no one knows until they lose the love of their life what they go through. Anyways I am doing fine and I can honestly say I'm blessed to have the babygirl my husband always wanted but due to his job and health I never gave him one. My babygirl is like none else. She is the best babygirl I have ever seen. God was always there through everything and still is. So I hope yall take my advice and run with it cause you never know if your in my shoes one day and Gosh I hope not. I might add there are several phases for some with greiving. First phase I didn't know myself. Second was k was extremely mad that he left me with so much like raising our son on my own, bills and so on. 3rd was I felt alone 4th was I'm gonna have to learn how to make it with my babies. 5th one is I'm still holding on and I know what's going on some now. I'm working and striving to keep our home and food on the table for my kids. They are my world now more than anything. I'm blessed as I could of really went off the deep end and at times I did but my family and friends helped me so much to get by. So it's different with every spouse whom had lost there lover and soulmate.

I've been working on a similar project for the past 1 1/2 years. In my case, I don't have children, I'm 52 & my siblings are all older. IOW, most of us do NOT want more stuff!!!! LOL! So I've been scanning all the photos & either tossing them or sending them to someone who may want it & let them toss it if they want. I do save some of the more precious ones for my self. But let's face it, alot of them are dups or similar to each other & you just don't need those. I've got a personal website where I've uploaded alot of the photos & have used a few programs I'm happy with to make & burn DVDs to distribute to people who may be interested in watching them on their TV or their computer. One program even allows you to specify the original images should be stored on the DVD so if anyone wants a reprint, they can easily pull it from the DVD, after playing it. Currently, I've got ~12,000 images on my computer. One program I've found invaluable in keeping them organized is ACDSee Photo Manager. It took a while to get all the photos organized in it and it's not an inexpensive program. But I can typically find any image I'm looking for in a minute or two. Another project I've been doing is recording my 91 y/o Mother talking about her life. I even bought a pocket camcorder (Flip Ultra) that I pretty much take with me everywhere...so if she starts talking about something, I can whip it out & record her. I also post these on our family website and have even included them the past couple of years on DVDs I include with Christmas cards. My father died 26 years ago. I do have some old audio tapes with his voice that I've uploaded to the computer & it's fun to hear his voice. But the tapes are very old & the recording quality was not that good. I wish I had video of him...it would be nice to see that.

Unfortuntely Carrie,it is VERY normal for the dad to take the "leave me out of it stance". Although from what I read on a website from a pyschologist,it is the worst thing a bio-dad can do to the step mom and child. It says that,unless the father reinforces things,this will leave way for the "Evil stepmom syndrome" because the stepmom becomes the mean/upset/anxious/unhappy one. You are in a tough spot here,but I honestly think this daughter and these kids would act like this toward any woman their dad decided to marry after their mom died. The dad should tell them that their mom wouldnt have wanted them to be this way.And if he loves you,he NEEDS to stand up for you in some way. Do you make any head way by telling him if it doesnt stop you will leave him? What does he say when you threaten this? I guess the main thing you can hope for is the one daughter moves out.Do you and your husband have any extra money you could throw her way and tell her it's to help her get out there on her own? At 21 she's lucky if you all let her live there at all.That is certainly old enough to get out in the world and start creating her own life.Even if she doesnt get married yet or have kids.She should be hanging with other young women her age and doing things they do not trying to take your place. I dont really know what other advice to give you,because it is sooo important you and your husband be on the same page here.If he says nothing,he is letting his kids run you out of this marriage. There was a time when I had some issues with my step daughter hitting my daughter.My husband didnt want to say anything to his daughter about it either.But I stood my ground and told him that if he didnt,I was leaving and taking our daughter with me.So he finally did...cuz because he knew I was serious. I'am sorry you are finding it to be so hard.With 6 kids,I think you are a saint anyways! :) You certainly took on alot and it sounds like you are really trying.It's a shame your husband cant validate you to his kids. Welcome to the forum!

"has to balance what's best for him and best for you. And sometimes they just aren't going to work. IMO, childs needs come first." See, this is interesting. I think what is so interesting and diverse about this forum (or even when talking to friends in RL) is that EVERYONE is going to have their own opinion; and that opinion is one we have formed based on our own experiences and perspectives. Nivea, you were treated in a really cruel and hurtful manner by your SM, correct? (or am I mixing you up with another poster?) I believe it was you. Anyway, naturally, you are more inclined to empathize and identify with the child (stepchild) and perhaps even project a bit of your own feelings; and that's normal, we ALL do that. Just as I am more likely to identify with someone like Ima or Lamom or Silver, someone who is a SM dealing with difficult situations. Anyway, I know what you mean about the child needing to come first; but I think you are saying this out of your own experiences, which included being emotionally hurt by your cruel and emotionally immature SM who insisted HER needs come first. Correct? That is awful that happened and it's sad that your father allowed you to be pushed aside. (And please correct me if I am mixing up your history with someone else.) Our situation is a little different in that DH had continually made the mistake of doing things to harm our marriage---all under the guise of "it's best for SS." But a lot of what he was doing wasn't even really best for SS. DH wanted me to smooth things over and be nice to BM, even after she attacked me in front of SS. Sure, it might be superficially easier for SS if everything seemed hunky-dory again. But in the long run, what lesson is that teaching him? That violence is acceptable? That it's okay for his mom to behave like that and I will just pretend that everything is okay? Those aren't lessons I want SS or DD learning. So sometimes what IS best for SS isn't necessarily what one might think at face value. Sure, it would be more *pleasant* for him in the short term, but in the long run, I think it does more harm than good. (I don't think this particular weekend issue is even really about anything being "best" for SS, though.) And one thing our marriage counselor has been helping both of us see is that sometimes what's best for the marriage has to come first. And I will say this with 100% conviction: it would NOT be in SS's best interest for DH and I to divorce. Not at all. That would be one of the worst things that could happen for both him and my DD. I may be "just a stepmother" to him but I have been a positive and caring person in his life for almost 7 years. He views my daughter as his sister. He genuinely loves our family and feels a TOTAL part of our family unit...because he is! We are not just some people he spends a few days a month with, he has two families and we are one of them! If that unit were to dissolve, it would honestly devastate SS. It would devastate my DD, as well, but I really think it would be worse on SS. He is very sensitive to these things, and he is the type of child that turns his upsets inward. I know if he were to lose his family, it would really impact him negatively in an emotional sense. So in marriage counseling, one thing DH is having to focus on is sorting out when SS's needs really DO come first, and when it's just BM manipulating "in the name of their son." Obviously, there are times that the child's needs have to come first---heck, that is 95% of parenting! But it is my belief that this is not one of those times. SS's mom is doing well and there is no reason he can't be with her.