I've also heard good things about that book. My DD would go thru phases, such as the talking back phase you mention. Usually she would pick it up from TV or from hearing it at preschool. What I would do was focus only on the most major offense, in this case talking back. I didn't stress over other minor offenses during that time. I gave her three warnings, and at number three would put the favorite toy of the day in time out up in the top of the closet. I would reiterate that "The toy is in timeout because you said XYZ, and I told you we don't talk like that." Usually a few minutes of crying ensues, but it is shortlived. She was old enough to KNOW. She got it. When a "phase" of behavior set in, I usually had to do the above twice, and then she would move past it. The key was consistency, and focus - focus only on that one behavior, and you can usually get them to move on from the behavior. Good luck! I know how it is to not have close neighbors or friends with kids the age of mine. I only this year had a family with kids move in, and it is so refreshing! In the meantime, the folks here have a lot of good advice. And I concur about the book mentioned above.

Wow! 23 and a college degree! I'm impressed. You must know it all, then. You say, " I've tried to get him to do it, but he's always too engrossed in his games to even notice when she's being bad." So why is he too engrosed in his games to parent his daughter? If , as he claims, "[You're] keeping him from his daughter," , why is he spending what little precious time he does have with her, playing games and ignoring her? You also say, "I've talked to him about a lot of the issues going on, and it seems to fall on deaf ears. I'm also pregnant, and seriously don't need this stress." So, why is he not listening to you? Why does he seemingly not care about the stress that you, pregnant with what will be the _second_ of your children together, are suffering? I would have expected a caring partner would want to smooth the way for the mother of his child. If, as you say, " It just started getting this bad about 4-5 months ago. ", what changed? What was different then (besides the behaviour)? But, seriously, if his contribution to parenting his children is going to continue to be playing games and ignoring them while allowing you to physically discipline them as you see fit and do all the watching and organising, IMO you'd be better off not marrying him and parenting two children on your own instead of three.

Wow, with a few decades of history, it's really hard to offer any advice. I think the first thing is to deal with your depression. Talk to your doctor or naturopath about healthy choices that can help you with your mood (eg - nutrition, exercise, B vitamins - or, if you think it's too bad for that to help, antidepressant medications). Then do something that makes you take notice of yourself and feel good about YOU - take a weekend away with a friend at the spa, start a new hobby, get a sassy haircut. Maybe that will remind you that you deserve to be treated well and give you the confidence to make it a requirement. When you talk to DH and/or the kids, make sure you're using "I statements" and keeping it relevant to the current situation. It's OK to say "We have a long pattern of [undesirable relationship attribute]," but make sure you use an example from the past 6 months, not from when the kid was 13. Try to find simple and concrete actions that everyone could do to help with the problem. Saying "I want to be treated with respect" isn't very helpful for getting a disrespectful person to change their ways... But maybe saying something like this would be more helpful, "I would prefer that if you have a gripe with me, you approach me directly to resolve it instead of talking to others first. If you're not comfortable speaking in person, then phone or an email is fine too." When it comes to your DH, I don't think you'll have a lot of success in saying "Look, Hunny, your daughter is a selfish beeyatch, so stop defending her and make her treat me properly." I think you'll have more success in saying "Now that most of the kids are out of the house and on with their own lives, I think you and I should do some rebuilding on our own relationship. Being an empty nest and negotiating the landmines of an adult blended family is different that the situation we were in until the kids moved out. Let's make a weekly date night to focus on each other and our relationship. Remember how we used to love [activity - eg playing cribbage, making dinner together, going to movies]? Let's pick that back up again!" Maybe a reminder that he is in a relationship with you is what DH needs. Maybe not? I don't know.

Thank you for your response. I know the person chosen to help us with all these issues will give me some sort of guidance. My fear is that it could be a few sessions of getting everything out in the open before we begin to prioritize what needs to be addressed, and in what order. As the step-parent, while I do think my role is important, I feel the focus should be on Ethan and his parents. I have no issue with being a peripheral issue, and I know that in getting to the root of the problem and solving it, in the end it will solve the issues Ethan and I have as well. I just don't know what to do in the meantime, till things are clearly defined for me. My three children are wonderful. They back talk, don't do their chores sometimes, and other 'normal' things. But the bottom line is they're respectful, kind, loving, well-adjusted children. They would never even consider doing some of the behaviors Ethan displays. While I have confidence that I've done something right in the parenting area, it isn't my place (and isn't well received) to offer advice to Ethan's father or mother. Obviously no, if Ethan is physically acting out or behaving in any way that's harmful to himself or others, I'm not going to sit there and do nothing. And I don't intend to be completely, 100% removed from the area of discipline. I want to take more of a supportive role to Ethan's father. And in his absence figure out if I step outside of that supportive role, or maintain it. And what that supportive role consists of. No, this isn't my child and I'm not married to his father. I struggle to 'like' Ethan, but it never diminishes the love I feel for him. Above all, I want to see Ethan succeed in life. I want to see him acquire the life skills he needs (ie: coping with disappointment, defusing his anger, effectively communicating with others, etc.) to have a happy life. I didn't carry him for 10 months and go through 30 hours of labor, but he's still my son in my heart.