I've also heard good things about that book. My DD would go thru phases, such as the talking back phase you mention. Usually she would pick it up from TV or from hearing it at preschool. What I would do was focus only on the most major offense, in this case talking back. I didn't stress over other minor offenses during that time. I gave her three warnings, and at number three would put the favorite toy of the day in time out up in the top of the closet. I would reiterate that "The toy is in timeout because you said XYZ, and I told you we don't talk like that." Usually a few minutes of crying ensues, but it is shortlived. She was old enough to KNOW. She got it. When a "phase" of behavior set in, I usually had to do the above twice, and then she would move past it. The key was consistency, and focus - focus only on that one behavior, and you can usually get them to move on from the behavior. Good luck! I know how it is to not have close neighbors or friends with kids the age of mine. I only this year had a family with kids move in, and it is so refreshing! In the meantime, the folks here have a lot of good advice. And I concur about the book mentioned above.

I have a 17 month old. She doesn't seem to understand what I am telling her when I tell her she can't do something or have something if she keeps crying. So she keeps crying and she never gets it. Then when it's time for her to eat she is so mad at me that she just takes her food and throws it on the floor and refuses to eat it. I don't know what to do. We don't want to spank her because we feel that is wrong and a way of teaching her to hit. Giving her a time out doesn't seem to work. Putting her in bed definetly doesn't work because she broke it from shaking it so hard. The screws fell out and won't go back in. She will cry so hard she can't breathe and so I give in to her. I don't know what to do. I want to remain calm so she doesn't learn that acting out is normal. How do I do that and teach her what she should be doing? At least she says thank you when you hand her something. =) And we recently have been working on please...but that's touchy cause she usually throws a fit if she doesn't get what she wants and by the time you give it to her she just hits it out of your hand. She's got a temper that little one.

All this is very good advise, however, what do they do when you are not there with the squirt bottle or other discouragements? I have a window over the kitchen-counter and they are, of course, looking out to see the birds in the tree, among other "bad" habits. When I kept hearing that "kerplunk" as I neared the kitchen, I knew my best bet was to sanitize the counters,keep the squirt bottle handy when I was prepping food on cutting-boards, which are stored in a cabinet when not in use. That was many years ago. All my cats always were and the current ones are, sweet and cooperative, but I am not overseeing them all the time, so I take no chances. Have they trained me? Maybe - but I find it easier in the long run to make sure I do what I do and not be an overseer at all times, I have other things to keep me busy. :) A mild bleach solution is an excellent sanitizer.

Wow, with a few decades of history, it's really hard to offer any advice. I think the first thing is to deal with your depression. Talk to your doctor or naturopath about healthy choices that can help you with your mood (eg - nutrition, exercise, B vitamins - or, if you think it's too bad for that to help, antidepressant medications). Then do something that makes you take notice of yourself and feel good about YOU - take a weekend away with a friend at the spa, start a new hobby, get a sassy haircut. Maybe that will remind you that you deserve to be treated well and give you the confidence to make it a requirement. When you talk to DH and/or the kids, make sure you're using "I statements" and keeping it relevant to the current situation. It's OK to say "We have a long pattern of [undesirable relationship attribute]," but make sure you use an example from the past 6 months, not from when the kid was 13. Try to find simple and concrete actions that everyone could do to help with the problem. Saying "I want to be treated with respect" isn't very helpful for getting a disrespectful person to change their ways... But maybe saying something like this would be more helpful, "I would prefer that if you have a gripe with me, you approach me directly to resolve it instead of talking to others first. If you're not comfortable speaking in person, then phone or an email is fine too." When it comes to your DH, I don't think you'll have a lot of success in saying "Look, Hunny, your daughter is a selfish beeyatch, so stop defending her and make her treat me properly." I think you'll have more success in saying "Now that most of the kids are out of the house and on with their own lives, I think you and I should do some rebuilding on our own relationship. Being an empty nest and negotiating the landmines of an adult blended family is different that the situation we were in until the kids moved out. Let's make a weekly date night to focus on each other and our relationship. Remember how we used to love [activity - eg playing cribbage, making dinner together, going to movies]? Let's pick that back up again!" Maybe a reminder that he is in a relationship with you is what DH needs. Maybe not? I don't know.