Boy...this was a posting and a half to read but definitely shows some different ideas on what parents and teachers think about discipline in a class. All I can add is that each group of children and for that matter each child will react differently to different ways of handling a situations. I think group punishment is needed as a foregound to control an entire class who is out of control but not as a continual way of controling certain disruptive students. Once a teacher has the feel for who is causing the problem then that individual needs to be dealt with just as a parent when discovering which child broke the house rules or made the mistake. When in doubt everyone gets punished and it has to be explained that this is being done to avoid favorism. The child causing the problem should also be given a chance to come forward and appologize without punishment if they choose to with in a certain time frame after which a punish applies. If you gain the trust of a child and treat them like a real person 9 out of 10 children will respond. They want exactly what we want to be respected and noticed for our good acts. Children who act out have found it the only way to get attention and don't care anymore that it's negative attention just as long as someone is seeing them. I have four children with very different personalities. Each has their own way of getting attention when they feel they are not getting any...multiply that by how ever many and you have aclass full of children all trying to get one adults attention so they feel SEEN. It must be the hardest thing for a teacher to deal with everyday. It is as a parent to four, and because I have grown to know them so well I know what they are doing. When my 9 year old son who is easily bored starts to act like a clown I know he wants mom to spend sometime with him or he needs something to interesting to do while I am busy. When my 11 year old son talks my ear off I know he has had a day and a half and needs to download his feelings, when my 7 year old daughter gets clingy with me I know it's time to do an activity with just her and I, When my 2 year old is pulling at my shirt for something for the upteenth time I know it's her turn. It's not easy to figure out what each child needs individually but as a parent we have only a few children and need to take the time to know as a teacher wouldn't always have that time and has 30 students or more to get to know in under a year. That's when the group discipline needs to come into play and then be broken down to find out the individual needs within a short time frame. My suggestion is discuss it with the class in an open forum explaining the need for rules and the rewards of following them then stick to them and show your students that you respect them and they will respect you. That makes the difference in whether they will learn from you or ignore you.The best teachers I have meet have been strict with class ediquette but reward their students with respect and privelges of being a helper rather than give them material things as a reward.

Wow! 23 and a college degree! I'm impressed. You must know it all, then. You say, " I've tried to get him to do it, but he's always too engrossed in his games to even notice when she's being bad." So why is he too engrosed in his games to parent his daughter? If , as he claims, "[You're] keeping him from his daughter," , why is he spending what little precious time he does have with her, playing games and ignoring her? You also say, "I've talked to him about a lot of the issues going on, and it seems to fall on deaf ears. I'm also pregnant, and seriously don't need this stress." So, why is he not listening to you? Why does he seemingly not care about the stress that you, pregnant with what will be the _second_ of your children together, are suffering? I would have expected a caring partner would want to smooth the way for the mother of his child. If, as you say, " It just started getting this bad about 4-5 months ago. ", what changed? What was different then (besides the behaviour)? But, seriously, if his contribution to parenting his children is going to continue to be playing games and ignoring them while allowing you to physically discipline them as you see fit and do all the watching and organising, IMO you'd be better off not marrying him and parenting two children on your own instead of three.

""I know I over reacted about the "nerf" but if I didn't stick up for the 9 yr old the 11 yr old will "bully" him forever" I really don't think you overreacted . I don't allow my kids to play with guns or weapons period-just because there is only one way of playing with them. Since these kids are already bombarded with so much violence in the media, as soon as they have a toy weapon in their hand they almost always play out what theyve seen on TV. So I just avoid them altogether. Even if someone buys them as a gift...I let them know they are not "allowed" to play with weapons. If they ask why, I tell them because I think they promote violence =) (then they look at me as if I were from another planet) One time my MIL brought by a bag full of toys that had been at her house. As soon as they dumped the bag on the floor, I picked up all the weapons and put them in the trash. I know its a little complicated because Bio-mom got them, but if one of them gets hurt, she'd turn around and say you should have been "watching them" or something...Don't beat yourself up for having done what you did. You did the right thing.! There is nothing more damaging to a child that to have to endure being bullied by an older sibling. He needed someone to protect him, and you did. I just finished reading a book on sibling abuse, it discusses all the different kinds of abuse. These children grow up feeling completely powerless and resent their parents for not "protecting them" from the older sibling. If you've seen him displaying "bullying" behaviors towards his younger brother before, please keep a close eye on him whenever he is around his little brother. Does his little bro act as if he is scared of him? I mean I understand that he really must have had a horrible day at his mom's and came home feeling frustrated, confused, and angry. I am sure his younger brother was also feeling conflicted. He couldn't express those feelings verbally so he came home and hurt his brother then laughed. Then he proceeded to become argumentative, blame his bro for getting in the way, refused to take responsibility for his actions and disrespected you. Now he is saying: "Are you trying to drive me away.... your going to leave anyway"- you are feeling so sorry for him now. Even guilty for not seeing it coming...So does this mean that he doesnÂt have "any" consequences for his actions? If you and your DH start letting him get away with these behaviors because you start "feeling sorry for him", you are going to have a long, rough road ahead with him. And he will know that "all he has to do" is pull on your heart strings to get over on you guys, and make you feel guilty for punishing him. It sounds like manipulation at its best to me. In effect he is "blaming you" for his behavior that day. Still refusing to take responsibility for his actions. Did he get any privileges taken away or consequences for his behavior that day? My eldest use to pull this kind of thing all the time. I really didnÂt know how smart he was at the time. At first I really felt sorry for him, sad, and even guilty for "not seeing it" like you, on "certain days" so I can totally relate. He would assault his siblings, refuse to take responsibility, blame them for "provoking him", and then follow me around, arguing his innocence, and try to get me to "engage", he wouldnÂt stopÂ.just kept testing me, pushing me to my limitsÂ.if I wouldnÂt give in and totally ignore him, then he would start crying. He would sit in his room and talk to himself (out loud so I could hear) saying how his mom had left him and he missed her so much. Sometimes it would bring me to tearsÂbut I later realized it was a "game" he played. After watching him do it over and over again. HeÂd get in trouble, drive me crazy for hours, then guilt meÂ.it was all about control. He had to be in control. By either annoying me, upsetting me or making me feel guilty. He was always in control because I would fall into it every single time, responding to each situation as he expected me to. At the same time, he would disrupt my entire day, stress me out, and I ended up neglecting the others during those times he was having his meltdowns and required my absolute attention. Sometimes he would laugh after being physically aggressive towards his siblings and always found a way to "blame" them for either being in the way, or "making him" do it. What IÂm getting at is that at 10 years old, he was a master at manipulation. You need to be very vigilant with him, he sounds like a very smart little boy. -Take care of yourself -Dcubana

First, for the record, donethat and organic sherry... I am a woman. And if you take the time to read this entire forum, you will find that most of the posts are by...women. And you will find post after post of "new wives" who "hate", "despise" or "resent" their new husbands children. Their feelings seem to become especially strong after she has "their" baby. I also have several close friends who have married men who had children from a previous marriage. All are educated, attractive, really terrific women who are kind, funny, and well grounded. They are secure women in their own right. I thought with each of them, that if anyone could pull off the role of step-mother, any one of these women had what it takes to pull it off, and do it well. However, like so many women on the forum, they each went on to have children with their new husband, ( a few had a child or two from another marriage) and they quickly got "his" kids out of the house. They could not stand them there. And in each situation, dad is now dad to her kids, and "their new child". These are not awful women. They are terrific women who have many friends, and are generally happy, successful women. I like each of them as people. And I hear "their" side to it all. And I understand. And yet in all of this, there are children that are paying a very painful price for the choices these adults are making. Dad now sees his own kids for an hour or so at mcDonalds for lunch, because his new wife does not want his kids in her home. Kids fathers (or mothers) who now live in someone elses house, and who are now mom or dad to someone elses kids. They no longer seem to belong anywhere. They are now a guest where ever they go. Can you close your eyes and think back to when you were a child, and imagine your mom or dad now living in another house, being a parent to some other kids, and finding your dad's new wife or your mom's new husband hates you and doesn't want you there? Can you imagine as a child what this must feel like? Do you even care to do this, or is it an image you do not want to acknowledge? Read my post..."Lost everything...where is home". It is a true story...and although it is the story of a child I know, it is also the story of many, many children who have lost their family in a divorce. Can you open up your mind to understand that there are many sides to these situations? Can you believe that a woman can behave very poorly when protecting her new nest? Perhaps not you, but what about the woman your ex-husband marries? Is she wonderful with "your" children, or is she protecting her new turf, and picking on your kids for everything? That is what I am talking about when I say that women can be petty. They can perceive insults where none were intended. Women can be manipulative. (I suppose that men can be too, but I have only read a few posts from men...and they seems to have different complaints than the women. I am not being vicious, or bitter. I am just pointing out a truth. Perhaps you are not that way. And perhaps the woman that marries your ex-husband...well, perhaps she is not that way either. Can you give her the benefit of the doubt, and tell her she is doing a wonderful job with your kids? So kind, and fair? Why or why not? Sometimes we do not see or admit to the behavior in ourselves, but clearly see the faults in the woman who marries our ex, or his children. Or maybe we do our best to behave really well, and his kids really are unbearable, and are ruining our life. I don't know. I would love to hear stores about step mothers who adore "his" kids, and think his ex-wife is just wonderful!!! She is welcome over anytime!!! Wouldn't that be refreshing? But instead, women will tell you that her new husbands ex wife is horrible. But maybe she is just a woman doing the best she can to raise their children. Or maybe she feels threatened by the new wife and really is behaving badly. I don't know. What I do imagine, is that there are many sides and emotions run high because there is so much at stake.