I re-read your letter. I applaud you for not abandoning your children, and leaving them to fend for themselves if you left. That is a real father. A father who will make sacrifices for the children. It sounds as if your wife was in the wrong type of counceling. It sounds as though what she really needs are classes in anger management for the well being of your children. Perhaps that is one of the things you will require of her that you will not waiver on. After re-reading your first two posts, I believe that what I suggested in the above two posts sounds like a long shot. And I can imagine how difficult it would be to pull off with a person who is angry and bitter. Especially given how you feel about her. Does she have ANY good points? If so, what are they? I think it would be so depressing to live with someone who has been depressed for 20 years, and is so angry and bitter. If it were me, (OK, I am climbing up on that soapbox for a speech) I think I would tell them that I am sick of them using depression as an excuse for rotten behavior. I would tell her that if it is real depression...meaning chemical imbalance of some sort, then to get herself to a doctor and get her medications right. And if it is depression caused by her own disappointments in life, then suck it up and put a smile on your face and start doing some of the things you need to do. Because the kids and I hate living like this, and your anger and bitterness is destroying our family and the childhood of these children. They do not get a second chance at childhood...this is it, and it is going to be happy from tomorrow on. And if you cannot be a part of making this family a happy and good place to be, then I (meaning you Dave) will step up to the plate and raise these kids and give them that happy, safe childhood. Your 14 year old has so little childhood left, and I (meaning you Dave) am going to make sure it is great! Are you on board, or are you going to continue to hide behind your depression and anger and bitterness, doing your best to make sure home life is crappy for us all? She has a choice to make here. And you may find she is on board, and will begin some new changes, or that she likes being angry and miserable...and then you will know what you need to do. Forgive me for the two messages above, as after I re-read your original posts, I realized how they must sound to someone who is really in the pits in a marriage to someone who is so angry, and bitter all the time. I am not sure any of us could actually rise to the occasion if we were in your shoes and actually pull off what I suggested above. It sounds as if the marriage is just too miserable to actually bring yourself to do as I suggested. Not that it couldn't be done, but it would take a better person than I am to pull it off. Unless she actually makes a decision to change. If she does...perhaps she will surprise you all! In my best pollyanna view...I sometimes think that we can change someone else by being really kind to them. I sometimes have these wierd thoughts that you could take her for a morning of pampering (facial, massage) and then take her for a new outfit, and take just her out to dinner. That by you treating her differently, that maybe she will thaw out, and begin to see herself differently, and begin to change and laugh and smile. That she will "want" to be a better woman for her family. Perhaps it is just wishful thinking...but just maybe????? Anyone, I forget that some people actually "like" to be angry and bitter and miserable all the time. That is their comfort zone. Perhaps she is one of those people. I don't know.

The above advice is all good. Your daughter is at an age where, if there is a perceptual or educational problem, she's got time to learn to deal with it before she gets to jr or sr. high when her workload will be much greater. Tally Sue is absolutely right in suggesting that telling her 'not' to be embarrassed is probably going to have the opposite effect. I personally would be forthright and honest and say that we're trying to find a way to make learning and studying as easy as possible for her. Now, may I address your comments about your school systems. If you feel your schools aren't providing good quality education, start making noise--let your governor, legislature, county freeholders, local officials and school board know they're falling down on the job. Get other parents and the newspapers involved in your fight. Every child should have access to a high quality, FREE education, in my opinion. Children who have (or may have) learning problems should have adequate free testing available and the public school system should be providing the appropriate help for them. High expectations, yes, but not impossible. In my state, most public school systems are academically way ahead of the private ones. The public schools all have child study teams who are qualified to identify and treat problems. If a school system doesn't have the right class for a child who needs extra help, it's their responsibility to send that child to a school that does--and the public school pays the tuition and provides transportation. If your state is doing less, you have a right to demand they improve what's offered. If our children aren't properly educated, where will we be as a country? Sorry about that--I'll step down off my soap box now.

With respect to whether or not the counselor could testify in court...who was the identified patient? If it was your sister, she could give her permission to/release the counselor from the required confidentiality agreement; however, if your XBIL was the identified patient, he would have to grant that permission, and I doubt he would. If your niece is the identified patient, well...she is legally still a minor, therefore the parent(s) would have to grant permission for the records to be released. Since legally they still have joint custody & it was a "family" session, I would imagine your XBIL would have to agree...again, I doubt he would do that. The counselor could get herself into a world of hurt (meaning your XBIL could bring an ethics complaint against her) if she were to testify in court without his permission. The only time a therapist is compelled to testify or bring a record is under a court order from a judge. A subpoena won't do...a therapist can get their hind-end sued if they do that...the law varies some from state to state but there is an entire body of case law on this and generally the state legislatures are aware of the various court decisions from state to state and take these rulings into account when drafting legislation. For example, there was a famous case in California that resulted in the "Tarasoff" rule and virtually every state in the union addresses this issue in the law, i.e., if a client makes a threat of physical harm against an identifiable person, the therapist is bound by law to warn that person of the potential threat of harm. It is known as "duty to warn." There is similar case law that has been codifed with respect to records and confidentiality...if the counselor in your case testifies without an order from the court, she may be opening herself up to substantial liability. She really should check with folks at her state licensing board before she does anything....she could testify for your sister, get sued by your XBIL and ultimately end up hurting your sister's and your niece's position. By the way, I would worry about a counselor who is unable to maintain professional distance and cries in the session. It is possible to be fully empathic with respect for someone's pain while still managing to not feel that pain as your own...professional boundaries are incredibly important therapeutically in the counseling process...her tears would be a red flag to me... Hopefully, KKNY is correct in her response, that at 17 y/o, a judge would simply listen to and respect your niece's wishes in the matter. Good luck to them.

Don't let that sour your new life that's coming in the next couple of months. Not worth it. Take it as an opportunity to teach your children flexibility. Handle it with grace and they will learn a ton. Bestow the experience with negativity then they will internalize that. words I often need to tell myself, to remind me that they are watching and learning about life and how to handle it, from me. I realize you may just be venting here in a safe space, but a a new home, a new school, and a new life deserves all the excitement and positive energy you've been putting into it. Bureaucracy, it is what it is, and it has its rules.