I replied to your other post. Stay out of it, it is her decision, you will only alienate your daughter.

While your intentions were good, I think you've done too much for your daughter and encouraged "learned helplessness." This is an unhealthy dependence.

Because you've always been there to pick up the slack, she doesn't need anything from the BF except to occupy her bed. Neither of them will achieve maturity until they're forced to do for themselves.

I also think she has come to take you for granted; the result is she'll use your services without necessarily feeling any true gratitude or appreciation.

She's not "the baby" any more and it's a disservice to her and her BF long-term if they aren't given the opportunity to grow into responsible adulthood.

So while I know it's hard, it's best to back off.

"even now, 3 days before her delivery, we are at our house working on nursery, washing all the clothes, putting together bassinets,"

Why... when she does not even live with you?
Force your way into her life, and she will cut you out of it.

"This last one is a bit different, in it my husbands youngest daughter, the baby."
So, you are not her mother. Without knowing any more than you said, perhaps she does not want you there for that reason.

Thanks for the input. She does live with us - supposedly even though she has been staying with her boyfriend and his mom for the last month - she has a nursery fixed up at our house and has asked me to take a few days off to help her as well. I know that we enable her, just hard to see her going through this pregnancy and not realizing what she is taking on - she is clueless what it will take to be a parent.
As far as her mother, she has not seen her mother since she was 12 years old - I am the closest thing to one she has ever known...but I understand that will never make me her mother or fill that void I know she has.
well see what happens tomorrow when she is at the point of labor and birth - I will be there for her however she wants me to be...and deal with it, I just know that you dont get these moments back and I dont want her making poor decisions because she is afraid of upsetting bf, which is her mode of thinking right now. It is very hard to watch your children making poor decisions that you know will effect the rest of their lives - I think that is more my struggle than anything - it takes so long for kids to realize that parents generally do know a thing or two about making it and being happy:()

thank you again

Be prepared for this, I have seen it in to many kids. Young people always seem to get angry at the one who gives them rules. She will be with you until gets angry at you, then she will go to her BF's mom or her real mom until she gets mad at them and come knocking on your door again. Don't let that viscous circle happen. It will tear you up.

I am not a cynical person, but have seen enough and read enough in here to know she may end up using the grand child as a pawn. If you don't do as she wishes, she may not let you see the child.

Yes Emma - she will certainly use her as a pawn...and she will play to my sypmathy by saying that she doesnt have the money to get this or that..>I have learned not to give her money - if something is needed, I buy it. She does play the circle - and that is what is so upsetting - we have bought and decorated the nursery items - bought the baby everything she will need, carseat, stroller, pack n play, clothing, etc. all she has bought herself is two onses...dad has not bought anything...I know we set ourselves up for the hurt - hard to be the bad guy and then she plays this Im grown up and I know I messed up card and 3 months later we are back...problem now is that a baby will be in this viscious cycle and I dont want to loose contact with the baby - because it is not her fault and I worry about her being provided for.

Thanks again for your input!
Praying tomorrow goes drama free and we can welcome a healthy baby girl...On pins and needles about it because I know she hasnt done the prenatal care she was instructed to do...so frustrating!

I have a grand daughter that was terrible. She would scream at her mother and she had 4 cats and litter boxes shut up in the bedroom with the new born. There were stick on room deodorizers all over the living room. The whole house smelled like a litter box. I told her if the nurse comes over without warning and finds this, she may take the baby. She, "Oh, she might?" She was on a government program of some kind for new mothers. It paid the medical bills for the baby and teaches her how to care for the baby. That is why the nurse comes over. They taught her how to care of the baby, about it's diet and all kinds of things. I can't think of the name of the program now. I think that program and the training had a real positive affect on her. The next time I went over the house was clean, the cats were gone and it smelled nice in there. You might want to check on that for the mom.

The grand daughter grew up and became a very nice young lady and a good mother. She also ended up supporting her husband and 2 kids.