Problem with college daughter's boyfriend
Gardener972
15 years ago
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pinkpeonies
15 years agosylviatexas1
15 years agoRelated Discussions
Daughter and Boyfriend
Comments (11)Well, going over the reasons... If there is any truth to "a" that one could be a biggy. Why would your parents get that impression if there wasn't something to it? They are only getting info. from what you told them, right... so what is leading them to think that he doesn't do enough for his son? Has he skipped payments, missed visitation times or not fought for his right to see him? Your comment "Yes, he has room to improve as a father" may tell more than you think. Granted, it could just be your personality or perceptions, and of course, no one is perfect, but if I were serious about a man I would hope the main thing I would think about his fatherhood is that he is a great father, not that he needs room for improvement. What exactly needs improving on? On to reason "b"... Let me ask you this...If nothing changes with his job, will it be enough, will it be ok with you? Would it be ok if he (and his son) lived off you? Because that's what it sounds like may happen if you were to marry him. It's nice to dream that someday he'll get a big break and have a really nice job but from the info. you provided it looks like he really just may continue at his current job. What exactly is his plan for the future? And, is it really a plan or just more of a dream? As for "c". I wouldn't hold that against him personally. It sounds to me like your mother just doesn't want you to make the same mistakes she made....It's not just about aquired money and lifestyle... but about missed opportunities and choices. Do you feel mature/old enough to settle down with anyone? Or, are there things in your life you'd like to do before you get married? Sorry if I'm playing the devil's advocate here...I'm just trying to figure why your parents don't really care for him. I hope everything works out for the best and that if you do stay with him, your parents grow to love him. Finally, I wonder if you notice how your description of him changed from your original post... first he "has a decent job and a plan for the future" (I took this to be he was like a dentist with a plan to enter into a big partnership next year) not a poorly paid chef working for insurance money with no real opportunities in your town. Even your description of him as a father changed. Just make sure you love him as he truly is, not just a perception of what you want him to be. Good luck with everything....See More16 year old daughter and boyfriend
Comments (18)Hi I'm 16 and know all about it! All you parents think you can just talk to your kids keep them to limited time with there boyfriends and have there trust to go to the moves malls ect.. but strict parents only make sneaky kids leaving the places they say they are parents don't really know what they are doing unless they are there to watch them summer school its not hard To leave and meet up with a guy and do stupid things... its not really in the parents control when their son/ daughter is going to give up their purity. Do you really think our generation is that stupid we do have brains not always doing the smartest thing but we do know what's right and wrong trust me I have done everthing my parents thought they could prevent from happing condoms are something u should give ur kids no matter how much u think u trust them or before u know it they will be teen moms/ dads witch could have been easily prevented but its better to give protection because we don't always think before we get warped up and there's nothing u can do after!! That one kiss that goes too far might be the one that changes their whole life!!! Think about it....See MoreWhat do you think? Daughter's Ex boyfriend won't leave her alone.
Comments (130)Silver Quite interesting reading. I have thought about EX and how he must feel about DD, or any woman that has been in his life. I do understand the conceptual thinking behind the term "limerance". I had a man that I felt that way about once. I never told him, figuring that if he felt anything for me he would approach me. There were a few mixed signals, I thought but he never made an attempt that was something that I knew for sure showed he was interested in me. He had enough chances to do that and he didn't. He thought of me as a friend or sister I guess. Or he would have gone for a little "roll in the hay" if I would have. He even introduced me to a girlfriend that he began dating and ended up getting her pregnant and they later married. Ouch! With EX's past ( if what he has said is true ) he undoubtedly has great fear of rejection. Again, if what he says is true, he wanted my DD to stay with him, build a future with him and he wanted a family with us. There are too many things though that are negatives to the success of their relationship that he is completely out of touch with which makes me think that he has a break with normal thought processes. This is evident with other actions...his extensive lying and his criminal behavior. My DD did not want to marry or have children ( my goodness, she is only 20 ) and he did. Very much in fact. I don't know that she will ever change her mind but he had said that he would rather have had her and no kids than to not have her at all. I don't know that it would have been something he could have easily lived with though. The age difference is something that was too vast....11 years...when dealing with her age group. Had they met when she was in her 30's or 40's or older then it would not have been as big a deal. I am sorry for him when it comes to honest, heartfelt feelings that he might have had for my DD. The fact that he could install such fear ( and continues to do so ) and the fact that he has told so many lies negates all of that though. It sucks to be rejected. Our family histories have a lot to do with whether or not we can process the rejection in a healthy way. Most of us have been and some of us have stepped over a line while dealing with it that we cringe at after having healed a bit. It is important to teach our kids that when they deal with peers or a romantic interest people have a right to reject them. In the long run it is for the best. I don't know how much EX has control over when it comes to his emotions about the breakup. I am sorry that I can't talk to him. It just can't happen. I want him to get help and to go onto have a happy life. More importantly though I want him to leave my DD alone and let her move on. Thanks for the thread and the link Silversword....See MoreDealing with boyfriend depressed 15 year old daughter
Comments (4)Hi Jenn, Wow! I almost could have written this about 4 years ago. Many details are the same: depressed 15/16 year old (that started out cutting herself), then a suicide attempt, and bipolar & borderline personality disorder ex-wife. Eek! You have my heartfelt sympathies so my first advice is DON'T FEEL ALONE! :) and you are not crazy for feeling the way you do. It's hard for the best dad in the world to make up for the possible inherited emotional makeup and the influences of a psycho ex-wife. I dated my boyfriend for 3 years before we got married; after each being divorced once and knowing how hard it is to make blended families work we wanted to be careful. He had custody for 9 months out of the year, the mother had the summers. Most of our problems came to light after we were married. After the suicide attempt the SD stayed 9 days in a psyche hospital for troubled teens. My husband and I were blamed by some of his family and the ex-wife for his daughters problems. Her caseworker at this hospital was horrible as the ex-wife had convinced her we were the root cause of it all and I left in tears one day. Had he not stood up for me to his family I very well may have taken my son and left. But, he did stand up for me and he is a good, good man so we are still together and are now empty nesters. My second piece of advice is counseling - for everyone that will go; you and your boyfriend and especially the SD. But be careful, we had some bad ones during our troubles so make sure you get a good one. Don't be afraid to try another if the first one doesn't work. I guess it boils down to you weighing out what your relationship with him means to you, keeping the welfare of your daughters in mind of course as it seems like they are still young. Sounds like you jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak. Not fun. However, kids grow up and (hopefully) start their own lives, so are you better with him or without him? My last piece of advice is pray. Pray and pray some more! Ask other people to pray for you and her as well. And find someone to talk to - a counselor, minister or the like, not just a friend. There is hope. Now at 21 my SD is really growing up and maturing. She has gotten off her anti-depressants and is beating her depression. She has moved away which means she's also far away from her mother who tends to cause problems. We have been taking small steps in the last year to building a new relationship and we are making good progress. Good luck to you!...See Morepopi_gw
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