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shannonaz

My needy mother

shannonaz
9 years ago

I'm in my 30s. Things are really deteriorating with my mom. I've read a lot of posts here and I hear my mom in so many of them. My mom is really unhappy with our relationship and she expresses it often. Whenever she complains about it I want to avoid her even more (it feels needy, manipulative and unpleasant and critical) and she gets even more upset and distressed about our relationship. I try to communicate this to her but she "can't help how she feels."

She was a single mom and she has no extended family (parents and sibling are gone) my sister lives with her (they don't get along at all) and my mom is pretty much raising my sister's child.

My mom is not toxic and was not abusive but was and continued to be a rather negative, serious, judgemental person. She is not fun to be around.

I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a spoiled princess. She is also proud of me and agreed with my lifestyle and life choices. She does not admire, like or respect my sister and has always treated her poorly despite supporting her and taking care of her son. (She makes it clear to both of us that she would not have a relationship with my sister if my sister didn't have a child)

My mom learned a lot of bad habits from her TERRIBLE father. She sacrificed a lot for us and put us first and I have been committed to her for my entire life. I have spent every holiday with her and always talk to her at least weekly. I helped her move within a walking distance of where I live 10 years ago. She was able to retire early and live carefully but comfortably due to me providing a sizable gift every year (we are financially lucky)

We had a stable but unhappy childhood (but no abuse) I learned some really bad habits from my mom (that she learned from her parents) We grew up speaking harshly and being critical. My sister and I now have a strange but gentle relationship. My mom is harsh and critical to my sister and I am harsh and critical with my mom. My mom is not too overtly critical or harsh with me because she generally agrees with me and my choices.

I have struggled with the habit I learned of being harsh and critical and my marriage really suffered from my poor habits. I've been diligent in trying to eliminate this abusive (as I now see it) behavior. I really resent my mom for passing this behavior on to me. She may not deserve it but I am angry at her.

Anyway, my mom is very unhappy with our relationship and expresses it constantly. I'm starting to really resent her and find it to be a form of constant criticism. She is naturally so critical she doesn't even mean it. I am over-sensitive to it.

I'm grouchy, moody and annoyed most of the time around my mom now.

My husband is great with/about my mom and he thinks that if I make more effort to be sweet, kind and pleasant during the interactions we do have my mom will be happy with the AMOUNT of interaction we have. I'm not convinced. It's never been enough. My mom is lonely and she really wants more time and communication from me.

I feel stressed, annoyed and generally "brought down" after EVERY interaction with her. I've tried to tell her how her words and actions affect me but she feels that she can't or shouldn't have to change her "feelings" or her personality because those are things one can't change.

If my mom were posting she would be one of the many many women here complaining of rude, spoiled, ungrateful children who want nothing to do with them. That is definitely how she feels. She is completely hurt and baffled no matter how much I try to explain my point of view.

Any words of advice or wisdom?

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