I was married for 18 years to a man with major anger issues. Like your husband, mine was not physically abusive towards me. But emotional abuse is just as bad. Those scars are just as deep you just can't see them on the surface. I too "fell" out of love with him early on but stayed because he threatened many times to take my children from me if I even tried to leave. Do you have children, is that why you stay? If you don't have children, don't have them with him at all. He may be calmer now, for awhile, but he will revert, trust me. When I finally left my husband he didn't understand why. I told him anger, meanness and "you" are just not a nice person and if I wasn't married to you I wouldn't even want you for a friend...ask your friends. So he did (surprise, surprise)and even more surprising they all told him the truth. That was ten years ago. Last year he told me divorcing him was the best thing that ever happened to him because that was the only thing that would and did get through to him was loosing everything, including his kids. Forcing him to really take a long honest look at himself, with the help of a counselor. However it did take him almost 10 years to reach that insight. Asolo is correct, you are in danger, maybe not today maybe not tomorrow but it will come eventually. Each sucsessive outburst that he gets away with will be just a little more intense until it eventually becomes physical. But to answer your original questions: NO!!! It is my belief that it is not possible to "fall" back in love. That level of love requires a level of trust that I don't believe can ever be restored. But that's just MHO. Alexis

Worried: I wouldn't call our relationship loveless. I love him very much. I believe he loves me. He says often enough and tenderly enough. Yes he has control issues and I have issues dealing with his control. But things have changed a lot since our confrontation and he does try to listen more. As for if I'm happy well at this time we're trying to deal with this situation so I wouldn't say there is a general feeling of happiness. But we're not directing the unhappiness toward each other. When he's not working we are together a lot. Problem is he's working a lot. Lucky for me that whether he's really working is easy for me to know the reason for his trip is work. That doesn't really prove whether he could be cheating although when I've asked him if he is/has he says no. He doesn't act withdrawn but I'm aware that he still could be. I enjoy being with him and he seems to enjoy being with me. Our sex life is everything I could want and he sure seems satisfied too. But he is also very affectionate outside of sex. I pretty much can't keep my hands off him and if ever want to get him to not act angry just touching him usually does it. Doesn't change his mind much but does change his demeanor. But he doesn't speak roughly to me often anyway. Like I said in my first post I almost wish he didn't treat me in the manner that he does because then I could easier resist him. Thanks to Mkroop for pointing that out as manipulation but Lawd! It's still hard to resist him even when armed with that knowledge. Granted in the past that has been because I just let him have his way but that has changed some too. I guess I really need to look up that word narcissistic to see what else is involved other than control. One positive I have gotten from all of your posts is speaking up for myself and not being afraid to oppose him. I don't know what my fear was with that other than not wanting to be a nag for fear it would drive us apart and our marriage wouldn't last. I remember hearing one of my sisters say that he husband was the boss until she started having kids. Now she is definitely the queen bee so I guess there's hope for me yet. This post was edited by wifey1281 on Wed, Dec 5, 12 at 7:32

Mine are 5, 7, 10, 13. I yell sometimes, too. Sometimes I feel like they don't take me seriously until I am angry enough to yell. But I have to remember something I read once: When you're yelling, they only register the yelling, and not one word of what you're actually saying to them. That's so true, I know that's how I feel when someone takes a hostile tone with me, I hear the hostility first and maybe somewhere after that part of the actual direction or request. When I want to just scream at one of them (or more than one) I have to tell them to leave the room. I send them to their own room and wait 10 minutes before I go up to talk to them. Then I can clear my head, find the fewest words possible to get my point across (I ramble when I'm angry). Then I have to maintain a quiet voice on purpose, catch myself when I hear it rising, and bring it down again. I try to remember to let the kids do some of the talking, asking them to tell me what they did wrong. They know, they don't need it screamed at them, and they think about it harder when they have to say it themselves. And I have to be quiet and listen to them. Then when I do talk, I've listened first and I'm calmer. Sometimes I know *I'm* the problem, I'm in a bad mood and short fused, and the kids don't stand much of chance. They can do the smallest annoying thing and I'm ready to blow, it's not their fault. In that case, I know I need to deal with myself first. If I can, if DH is home, I leave the house, go for a walk, a drive, whatever I'm in the mood for. If I can't leave, I need a family time out. The sound of the TV or video games drives me nuts. I ask them for some peace and quiet, the TV is off, they go to their own rooms to occupy themselves, I might play some upbeat music. I am much calmer if that stupid television is OFF! I can't stand the thing when I'm grumpy. ;o) It helps me to make an effort to whisper when I feel like yelling. It also comes as such a surprise to the kids they actually listen harder. And overall, I feel like yelling less and they behave in a way that prompts less yelling, if we spend fun time together. I think they just feel more important to us, and we feel better about our parenting. We stop and notice the people they are, not just the annoying behavior. When we know the tension is getting thick, we have to make an effort to go for a walk together, play a board game, or turn down the lights and watch a movie. When they are getting enough of the right kind of attention, we all behave better. I notice their improved behavior when I keep my behavior in check, which encourages me to keep it up.

My ss has some (not all but some) of these tendencies.. Some of them have changed or evolved over the years but are still there in some form He often doesn't know where a sound is coming from (I had put this to that he had ear infections as a kid and has tubes, but then I found out tubes shouldn't do that) *** Not one that he has has problems with He often doesn't realize someone is speaking - he says he just hears a sound, but doesn't realize it's talking. I had thought he was just hyper-focused on something else, but he's getting WAY better about hyper-focus and it's still happening. ***ditto but I am guessing not as bad... I will be talking to SS and unless I have grabbed his attention and make sure he makes eye contact with me ... it's like it was all just a buzzing in the backround. He forgets the meaning of everyday words frequently. Poor little guy cried the other day because he was so frustrated that he couldn't remember the word "armpit" :( ***had some difficulty with this when he was younger... sometimes still has this issue. It's like a little roadblock just popped into his head. I know he had used the word before and I know he knows what it means but it just isnt there and he will get himself frustrated. I usually just use it in several sentences and he'll catch on. His speech therapy is going very well, but our big struggle is that he doesn't hear the difference between phonemes. *** not a big problem with him right now... mostly I am sick of the 'ghetto talk' (or at least that is what I call it) He babbles a lot, much like how a baby or toddler babbles. Random, meaningless phonemes strung together... Last week, just out of curiousity, I popped my head into his room and asked "Hey, whatcha talking about, kiddo?" and his reply was "Huh? I wasn't making any noise." *** he did used to do this and it would confuse me because I would have no clue what he is talking about. Usually telling him to calm it down and sometimes take a break would solve it. It was like he was so excited about what was going on or what he was doing he just didnt take the time to form full words. Now he (quite frequently) will be moving his mouth. No sound will come out but he is definately 'talking'. I asked him the other day if he realized that he was doing that and he said 'doing what?' I have no clue how to fix that... right now I am taking a no harm no foul approach to this one. We have so many other things to work on. He can repeat your words back verbatim, but has no clue what they mean when questioned on it. For example "Put on your shoes, A__" and he looks right at you while you say it, but then he walks away... When we ask "What did I just tell you?" he can say "Put on your shoes, A__"... but when we ask what he should do with that instruction he is puzzled and has to think about it before he cheerfully exclaims "I should put on my shoes!!" and promptly does it. So I don't think it's just attitude or not listening. ***Big Big problem with SS right now. I ask what did I say... he repeats it... I ask what does that mean or what should you do... he is clueless. I mostly just make a point of asking more questions... like so what should you do... what do you think would be the next step... that way I can be sure he understood what I said in the first place. I keep telling him listening is active that means he needs to think about what is being said. Hearing is inactive ... thats just hearing words bee bop around in your head. I want you to listen to what I am saying... so I want you to think about it and repeat it in your own words (big deal) usually if he can word it in his own words he has got it. If not we know to take a step back and try again. He often doesn't know if the TV is loud or quiet. He'll be STRAINING to hear it, or covering his ears because it's blaring, but when asked "Why not turn it up/down?" he says he doesn't notice it was quiet/loud. I would chalk it up to lazy or just being a kid, but he will get up to change the lighting or get a blanket and so on. It seems like he has a physical reaction to the volume, but he doesn't have any clue how to affect change to it. Does that even makes sense? ***this could be a bigger problem ... but it could be nothing .. I have had similar situation with all of my kids not just ss with adhd... it's like it just doesnt click that oh yeah that would fix the problem. I guess it would really depend on how often it happens. Sometimes when listening to a simple instruction, he cannot carry out the task - like folding a towel "Now bring the bottom up to the top" - and he says "I was listening, but I didn't get it" He genuinely appears to be listening - he is watching, is being quiet, has attentive body language, and so on, but he just doesn't hear it. ***another big one with SS... sometimes it is like I am speaking a foreign language to him and sometimes I do find myself getting frustrated with thinking "How in the hell do I say put the lid on the tupperware container a different way..." I dont really know what the key is here ... I do know I just keep trying to think of different ways to phrase things... and often time I physically put the lid of the container while I am saying it and then he says "Oh! I thought..." and then I take it off and say here you go. I feel like it defeated the purpose of asking him do it for me in the first place but I would rather get him to understand directions than get upset over having to put the 'lid on the container' myself I honestly dont know anything about auditory processing disorder so I dont know the answer there. But, my ss with adhd has some of these problems/concerns. It is mostly just a day to day thing for us. We know what it takes to get certain things across... ie eye contact or he isnt listening and we make sure other know this. Since he is getting older I am more and more pointing out things like SS, you know you will forget these things if you dont write them down, so you need to write them down... and ss you know you are not listening if you arent making eye contact so make eye contact... take the initiative. My theory is that we are not always going to be able to tell teachers and coaches what his deal is. He needs to realize it and take control of it in order to benefit his life in the long run.