my mom is slowly killing herself and I don't know what to do

14 years ago

Hello,

I was hoping you all could help me with an issue I am having with my mother. I do not know where else to turn. This is kind of long, so thanks in advance for reading!

My mom has been on and off drugs most of her life. Her and my father met in rehab, got married soon after, and then had me. Drinking and partying seperated them soon after I was born.

They both did drugs and drank on and off during my childhood, but overall I was a pretty happy kid who had no idea. They both worked and had pretty good lives.

My mom was remarried and a few years ago my stepdad died, of an accidental drug overdose. For a few years prior to that I had suspected they had drug problems, and my siblings still living at home pretty much confirmed it. I confronted my mom and stepdad and they denied it. Then my stepdad died!

A year later my moms home burnt down. It was a accidental and nobody was hurt, but I have my suspicions it was drug related.

Over the past few years my moms relationship with me has become very distant (it had been off and on since I was in high school and moved out). She usually calls me when she needs something, like money. Sometimes I help her depending on the circumstance. Like, I won't give her cash, but I will go get her groceries or pay a bill, etc. I have talked to my whole family about her drug use and they are all fed up. Grandparents have been dealing with her drug use since her teenage years and have washed their hands of her. Her siblings just don't care. Plus all our family lives out of state. My siblings are all on their own now and do not want to stand up to her. When I tell her she needs help she gets defensive and tells me I am judgemental and I do not know what I am talking about.

She was arrested for posession of drugs. I mailed her a letter while she sat in jail telling her how I missed my mom and wanted her to get help. When she got out of jail I called her and she refused to talk to me and had her latest junky boyfriend tell me to f*** off. She still won't admit she has a problem. It is always someone elses fault, like she said it was not her drugs she got caught with! Like she is innocent and just happens to hang out with all druggies.

When I got married I bought her clothes to wear to my wedding shower and my wedding. She blew off both. My sister went to her house before my shower and my mom was so high my sister left her there.

My problem is I am slowly seeing her killing herself with drugs. She has turned into a disgusting looking useless being. She is sickly looking and high all the time. She never admits it.

I do not know what to do with someone who won't admit they have a problem.

Help me deal with this! I cry a lot over it and feel lately like I should just come to terms with the fact my mom will not live long.

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Comments (4)

lindac
14 years ago
You need to get yourself to al-anon. There is nothing you can do about your mom....so learn to take care of you.
I would do my mourning now, because, as you say she is killing herself.
I'm sorry, I wish there were an agency I could tell you about that would make it all better....but the best thing you can do is learn to deal with it and take care of you.
Linda C
imaginny
14 years ago
I add my agreement with Linda C. The twelve step group Al anon has people who have all been where you are now. They all have loved ones who are or were killing themselves with drinking and drugs. Many of those who are in Al anon were as upset as you are now by their addicted relatives behavior.

They have sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, cousins, brothers, sisters, wives, and husbands who are all doing what your mother is doing. There are many people like you in the world who are in pain at seeing them do this.

I've been there too -- worried and distraught over a relative who was killing himself and disappointing me and others at every turn. I have two alcoholic parents (one is now deceased but never stopped drinking.) And two alcoholic uncles, a grandparent, and several cousins.

I went to Al anon for the first time a long time ago when I was in despair over my father. When I left the first Al anon meeting I went to, I cried for hours. In relief and in sadness. It was such a relief to be around others who knew what this was like and who could be emotionally supportive.

There are Al anon meetings almost everywhere. They are free. If you go to one and for some reason you don't like that one, there are others. They are all based on the twelve steps and they are for everyone who is in a relationship with an alcoholic (or drug abuser.)

Ginny
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I have to agree - helping others should not come at such a cost to you and your well-being. For your own sanity, literally, you should talk to a therapist yourself who can explain what is going on, it is some sort of codependency thing when your dad defends your mother's reprehensible behaviour etc. Clearly something needs to be done, but you need to look after yourself. There is nothing wrong with approaching their doctor and discussing the situation with them, it happens all the time. I would say it's clear that your dad isn't coping and has some mental issues himself. My mum is herself very self-centred and somewhat verbally abusive of my dad, it took me a long time to see him through my own eyes and not hers, and work out he's a pretty cool guy. It was a shock to me to realise my first wife was very much like my mother, and my role very much like my dad's, although I didn't resign myself quite like he did, and eventually got out. I had to ask him one day why he put up with it, and he sheepishly replied since he'd put up with it for so long he couldn't do anything now. I know this sounds callous, but I sort of hope she'll pass first and he'll remain reasonably healthy so he can enjoy some of his time a little more, and maybe come and visit with us (overseas) a bit, she's been too unwell to travel for some time. I hope you can find the strength to do what needs to be done and distance yourself a little, if that's what it takes. Make sure your kids understand all this, again, talking to a therapist would help.
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The only advice I can think of is for you to find a good Alanon group or the narcotics equivalent, if such a thing exists. Alanon helps those who love addicts or those who are dysfunctional in other ways, and helps them deal with the terrible frustration, anger, and sorrow that comes from watching someone they care about destroy themselves, and being powerless to help. The other thing I want to say is that I'm certain on some level your mom is aware that her child rather miraculously grew into a good person living a good life. Even if she can't bring herself to say it, I'm sure she's filled with pride for you. You come across as a very caring and wise person, and I send you my sympathy. You're in a difficult situation. I hope it resolves in a positive manner, but if not please assure yourself that you've done your best. Susan
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kymw61768
14 years ago
I am sorry to hear that your going through so much with your mom. I KNOW what you are going through. My first husband died of an overdose. We were divorced about 5 years before he died. We were close even after divorce. We just couldnt live together because of his addiction.
All I can tell you is that there is nothing you can do for her. She has to get help for herself. Until then you can continue to make sure she has groceries & etc. Because we love them we will always do things for them. But there is a fine line between helping and enableing. Sounds like you know this since you stated you dont give money to her.
Alot of people will thell you to cut her off or use "tough love". I think thats right when it comes directly to the drug use. But I also know that addicts are human and have serious problems. I just wouldnt cut her off. When she does pass away one day (hopefully from old age)you will not have to feel guilt from everything. Believe me there will be guilt. I had to learn that even though I did the best I could and all the choices I made in regards to my husband wasnt always right I did the what I thought was best at the time. Took me a long time to not beat myself up. I still do over some things.
Just let her know you love her and you are willing to help her get help when she asks for it and until then you can only see to it that she has the basics.
Hang in there, its hard loving an addict.
bnicebkind
14 years ago
The only one I know who could help you change this situation is Dr. Phil. It sounds as if your mom is too deep into this lifestyle for you or a sibling to help her.

my mom is slowly killing herself and I don't know what to do

Comments (4)

lindac

imaginny

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