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felyciti

Don't know what to do about not liking my SD

18 years ago

My SD is 7. I have been with her father since just before she was born (she is the child of her mother's affair, my husband promised to raise her when the mother found out she was pregnant). My husband and I have been married 3 years.

When my SD was a baby, I adored her. She was a sweet little thing and we got along beautifully. About 2 years ago she started to develop a personality very similar to her mother. Her mother was diagnosed with several "personality disorders", including narcissism, borderline personality, dependent personality and histrionic personality. Everything is about her, and if it's not, she will make it be about her.

This Christmas really bothered me again because yet again it was constant questions about "how many presents will I be getting?" or "how much money am I getting?" And every single present she opened she made a disgusted face. She either already had that game at her grandma's and it was boring anyway, or she didn't like the clothes and said they wouldn't fit (they were her size), or she had got something like that before and didn't like it. Out of all the candy in her stocking, the only thing she mentioned was that she couldn't have gum (which i thought were jawbreakers) and would have to get rid of it. She said nothing else about anything else, and didn't say "thank you" once.

This kind of rude behavior is not something we've ever allowed here, but we only have the step-kids every other weekend, so it's not like we have a ton of time to model good behavior and manners. However, the younger boys have not had a problem with our rules in at least 5.5-6 years.

I no longer enjoy my SD's company, and my children cringe when they know she's coming (they have no problem with the two step-brothers). But I don't want to hurt her. I'm sure it's not her fault that she is unpleasant company, and I don't want to make it worse. Sometimes she tries to be pleasant (she's always wanting to hug me, and painted "my mom" on a paper for me today), but it's hard to respond to that when the next thing she does is come up from the basement and tell us some lie in deliberate effort to get one of the other kids in trouble when we heard exactly what was said or done, and we know she's lying. Like I said, her mother isn't exactly mentally healthy, and I'm sure that would have something to do with my SD's behavior (BM once told my SD that if she stuck her tongue out, the doctor would come cut it off or would take her to the dungeon and cut her fingers off. My youngest step-son, now age 10, has tried 3 times to kill himself, once by trying to jump out of a moving vehicle. The next time he stood up in the van, her response was to slam on the brakes so he'd slam into the dashboard.)

I don't know what to do. I'm trying with all I have to be pleasant. I keep thinking about what she's going to remember from her childhood, and an unhappy time anytime she is at her father's is not something I want for her. And I try to take how her mother is into account. But I can't change her personality, and she is still my husband's daughter, and I can't deal with her and her lies and her drama.

Please, any suggestions would be helpful.

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