Hello, i'm new to this, but felt i really needed to reach out because i feel i'm at my darkest hour and i really need someone to tell me i'm not alone. I have two children, ages 19 (daughter) and 16(son), their father and i divorced 6 years ago, and under special circumstances, he was the primary guardian and i the secondary one. In 2007 i made the worst decision of my life, i had gotten remarried to someone in Jordan, i was only supposed to be there for three months. 1 year and a half later, i finally managed to escape and come back home. My ordeal in Jordan was severely traumatic, i was severely abused, tortured, and left for dead. I remember calling my ex-husband here in canada to help me because i knew i would die there if someone didn't get me out, what i got was 'you made your bed, you can lie in it, as for the children, if you ever want to see them again, you'll have to go through family court'. When i heard the dial tone i felt all was lost. Somehow, i made it back, the only thing keeping me alive everyday i was tortured was the thought of seeing my children again ( my children and i were extremely close before i left, and i never foresaw that my passport and all my ID would be taken,,). Once i came back i was in for a huge shock. In the time that i was gone, it didn't take long for my ex-husband to tell the children that i had chosen to stay and didn't want anything to do with them. They were so young, and he broke their hearts, i never knew any of this until i had come back. I came back in 2009 and i have tried everything, i was patient and i loved them without bounds, and over and over again i tried to prove myself to them, but the damage has been done. With all of this, i moved back with my parents and my children are with their father on a military base. They are only 4 hours away, but i am not to call, write, or even visit. My daughter has told me she wants nothing to do with me, as for my son, his father has told him he wants nothing to do with me, but that if he wants to he can. What child would ever go against their parent if they're the one with the money and house, etc.? I'm in school and am graduating in about 2 weeks. Once i get a salary, i'll be saving money to get my own place, etc. Not a night goes by where i don't cry or miss my children so much that the pain is killing me everyday, i really feel i have no purpose in life anymore, my children were my world, and they don't want to have anything to do with me, it's been like this since i left, but even worse since 2009. My daughter has openly admitted that she could not care if i lived or died and wants no communication from me, as for my son, he will not communicate at all, they have my phone number and email,,but nothing,,,i feel this pain will completely crush me and i have no idea what to do,,,the oeverwhelming hatred i feel for my ex is also wearing me out,,,i just want to know if things do get better as time goes by, and if it doesn't, how do i go on living when i hear their voices in my head from when they were young children all the time?

straycat wandering, I have been to a hypnotist as a last resort (multiple counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, etc)---you get the point---I even went through a battery of psychological testing to see if there was something wrong with me---as I just couldn't figure out how our kind loving son could just throw us out of his life like the trash when we were such good parents. We have had no contact in almost three years except for several nasty phone calls, and emails from GF(possibly finance or wife by now). BTW psychological tests showed I was depressed due to the situation with my son--no other psychological problems. Son and GF both have excellent education and make lots of money. They waited until our son was financially independent before disowning us. They still have contact with her father. We paid for our son's college expenses yet girlfriend is probably 200,000 in student loan debt--she is a pharmacist, he a computer engineer. Anyway what I discovered is that everyone of them (counselors, etc) in the end told me I just needed to get over it----stop focusing on the negative and move on with my life. I spend thousands on various types of counseling---you name it, I probably tried it. I don't think these professionals realize this new trend---I even read in Dr. Coleman's book that adultchild/parent estrangement has reached epidemic proportions. Dr. Coleman as I understand still had communication with his estranged daughter and is now reunited---so I think he has given up interest in the topic-----There is just simply little information out their and something these counseling professionals don't know how to handle,especially when the child refuses any communication. I am sure someday--probably too late for us---this problem will happen to more and more of these professionals and then they will begin to understand how "getting over it and moving on with your life is hard after spending 20+ years being there for your child and then with no warning they never want to see you again for no logical reason. Hypnotism may help you, but just wanted to share my experience before you spent the money.

mommybunny, You are correct in your statement "All my point was is that there are both sides to the story and that in some situations, parents are not as innocent as they portray themselves to be". People (even friends) forget that there ARE TWO SIDES TO MANY SITUATIONS of estrangement. Yes, there surely are some adult kids who are spoiled rotten and turn their back on good parents. But there are also parents who have created a lot of pain, and refuse to be accountable for anything. Keep in mind folks, that just like you never know what really goes on in marriages, nor do you really know what goes on in family relationships. People can be wonderful to friends and people they know, but can create tremendous pain within their own family. To those who jumped on mommybunny, have you lost the ability to rationally look outside of your own situation, and grasp that indeed a parent CAN be at fault in an estrangement? No one is suggesting that YOU are at fault, but that there certainly are situations where the behavior of a parent can certainly have caused some estrangements. If you are not actually capable of considering that possibility, then you have closed your mind to rational thinking. And unless you are actually capable of entertaining that possibility within your own estrangements, I don't imagine that healing will happen until you are ready to do so. Mommybunny, pull up discussions on detaching with love. It sounds as though even though you are an adult, locked within you is still the small child yearning for her mothers acceptance and approval. Yearning to hear a mothers loving words. And for whatever reason, it does not sound as though your mother is capable of being the mother you need her to be. Do not use her to validate how special and wonderful you are. Stop trying to jump through hoops to win her love and acceptance. She sounds incapable of giving it. Not because you are not worthy, but because for some reason, something is lacking within HER. Imagine yourself at a playground sitting on a bench. You see a lovely little girl who is precious. Your heart immediately leaps and you know you could love this child. The mother comes up and yanks the child away and tells her she is a stupid child. But you know that she is wonderful, and you wonder why that woman can not see this beautiful little girl for the gift that she is. Why is she so hard on her? And you wish that you could tell the little girl that she is nothing that the mother says. She is perfect, and you wish she were yours. Just because that mother cannot see her child for who she really is, does not mean that child is not precious. She is so precious, and was never responsible for the failings of adults and their problems. Work on forgiving your mother for not being the mom you needed her to be. Not because she deserves it, but because it will help you release all of the anguish within you. Understand that she is incapable of being the mom you needed her to be, (for whatever reason) and save yourself the emotional distress of replaying her hurtful words, and struggling to get her to understand (and apologize for) the pain she inflicted. I don't imagine she is the type to apologize. There are discussions on line on detaching with love and how it has helped many people. By finally understanding they will never be the person we wish them to be. Many people are not capable of changing. They are who they are. Find peace as you begin to heal. I imagine it would be so healthy if you could find a counselor to help you resolve the pain and anguish of this relationship, and find healing and peace over how unjust this all feels. I wish you well.

My daughter, age 25, went missing last summer. For a week I didn't hear from her and we never went a day without a hello. I finally called her father, my ex, who said he would call me back. Next call I get is from my daughter who informs me she had a nervous breakdown, it wasn't my fault and that she couldn't talk to me. There was a therapist in the background who asked me if I had a therapist and that I had better find a way to seek help. Click and the phone went dead. I sat there for the longest time in complete disbelief, I felt like I was watching someone else's life not mine. I was a single mom for a long time and my daughter and I were a team. She went off to college and did incredibly well, she did the typical college partying and smoking pot but I never put too much into it because I knew or thought she was being careful. I had raised her to be independent and I always thought she was. Let me start with what I pieced together. She graduated from college and was home for two weeks before she packed her car up and drove across country with three of her friend’s destination Oregon and her father. I really didn't think too much about it. I thought it was great. The day she left I walked her to her car and hugged her and kissed her face a gazillion times like I always did and she began to cry then sob. I was so shocked, I looked at her and said you are crying like you will never see me again and I am going nowhere. I love you mom, I really love you and I really appreciate everything you did for me. I hugged her and said thank you and that I would see in a couple of months when she was ready, if she was ready to return home. Off she went and would call from the road. Long story short she made it to Oregon and started working in the vineyards and with her father on his land. I heard less and less from her and when I did call her I always felt like it was an intrusion. That November I had to have hip replacement surgery and I was really fine. Her father asked if I needed her to come home to help and I said no I was good. Next thing I know is a call from her telling me that her father had left her in Oregon with no money, no place to live and moved back to California. I sent her plane ticket back to Florida. When she arrived there was a difference, a distance, and anger. I let it go and we went about life as usual but it started to grow. She got a job, started to hang out with old friends and started to get angry and moody. I asked her if she was taking her medication as she is Bipolar and she told me that her father said she didn't need it that as long as she ate healthy she was good. I tried to explain to her but she wasn't having it. Suddenly everything I did was bad, I ate badly, I slept badly, and I just breathed badly. Talking to her was impossible but I was trying to not lose it and stay calm. One night I did explode and thinking about it later it was what she wanted. Well the next thing I know she is in Adult Children of Alcoholics and telling me I abused her emotionally as a child and all this stuff. Now I don't drink maybe wine occasionally but I don't drink. I stopped smoking pot long before she came into this life. I have my own medical issues and take my own antidepressants to keep my life in order. I go to therapy and I try to live in a calm environment. So here is this adult child telling me I was a horrible mother and blah, blah, blah. She finally went to the psycho pharmacologist to have him explain what was wrong with her and why she was bipolar and started back on her medication. Then she decided to move out. She wasn't making enough money to afford it but I kept my mouth shut and helped her move into a place with a friend who was an addict. Then the calls stopped coming and every time I called her it was a long deep breath of what do you want now. Her birthday came and we all celebrated and I never saw her again. She called me when she was done with her treatment and told me that she was going to California to a rehab there and that she wouldn't be able to talk to me. I spoke to her father and he told me that she would have to work her steps and she would come around. Yep sure her father is not playing with a full deck need I say more. My birthday came and went - no call. Christmas came and there was a gift sent to my brothers. It was a journal in which she wrote total this is what you need to hear crap. But I accepted it as a gift and felt blessed that at least it was a reaching out. From there we texted and she finally let me have it about how horrible I was after the divorce and all this stuff. I came apart, I felt like there was no reason for breathing and I stopped living my life. I went into the deepest, darkest depression so bad I wanted to go to the nut house but my therapist wouldn't let me. I started to put it together and realized I had been had. And I got mad, really mad. How dare she! I let it out and I cried and screamed and I got so mad. The texts stopped coming, the communication stopped all together, she blocked my number and email. It was if I was dead and she never existed. I read two really great books about the mother daughter relationship and how hard it is to let go. The first book really helped me understand the letting go of my child into adult hood. Too Close For Comfort by Linda Perlman Goldman and Susan Morris Shaffer. Then I found another one and this one really hit home Daughters and Mothers Making it Work by Julie Firman and Dorothy Firman. The second book talks about how your child becoming the ex child and you the mother graduate. You move into the space where you are living your life for yourself and you are the parent of an adult child who is able to make decisions for themselves, maybe not to your liking but it is to them to make. I recalled my own upbringing, I thought about how my 87 year old mother lives 4 doors down the hall in her own place and how at 60 I am still her child. The book made me understand that I am not her child in that way, I am her adult child and that I have the power to let go of that too. She and I had a horrible relationship but I never left her because she was my mother. So I realized that my daughter will never come back to Florida and that it is ok that she is in California because it is where she was born and brought up and that is her home. She needed to create this incredible drama to let go of me but she didn't know why, she has no clue to this day. I did hear from her on my 60th birthday and it was polite and nice but there was no love there. She did say that she wants to try to work on the relationship and that maybe we could do session with her therapist on Skype and I was ok with that. She has unblocked my number but I don't call her. I went to Sicily and she didn't get an invite when I went off with my mother and brother and his family and while she was missed by the family and while I thought wow she would love this I also was ok that she wasn't there. And I will go on with my life as it is as she wills hers. As I have read in these books there is more a loss on their part than on ours as parents because they need to have the connection but get lost in the process in their stuff. Well that is fine. I am here and she knows how to find me. I will love her until the day I take my last breath and will cherish the memories of all that we shared. One memory is the day I took her out of the car to go to the grocery store, she has just started walking, she didn't want to be carried she wanted to walk and she put her little hand in mine and looked up at me with such pride in her face. And the day she said she didn't want to sleep over her friends because she would miss me too much, and I said that I was with her always right inside her belly button and she looked at me like I was insane. I told her that when she was in my tummy she was attached to the back of my belly button to the front of hers and when they cut the cord that piece of me rolled up into her belly button and when she missed me all she had to do what stick her finger in there and know I wasn't far away. Corny I know but it worked. I tear as I think about it because I will always carry that with me and I will always miss that part of her, but there are other milestones that I remember and carry with me as well. We all want to go back to that day when they put their hand in yours and you knew that it was the two of you forever. Kind of like that commercial where the little girl talks about how hard it was for her parents when she was born but that once they got through the hard stuff they belonged to each other forever. They do in different ways I guess and we have to let go of our expectations of what we want and what they are willing to give. What I have learned and have to work on constantly is expectations. I always thought she and I would be like the mom and daughter in the Gilmore Girls - best friends forever. never to part. That was my expectation that I put on her, she had her own expectation and had to move across the country away from my expectations to find out her own. So now I live with intentions and that is to live my life for me and leave the door unlocked for her if she wants to return. In closing, I am so grateful that I found this board and I thank you for listening to my rambling on, but I feel like a weight has been lifted because I was able to share with those who know where I have been and where I am now.