I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing said or done helps,but I do care, that you've had to go through this traumatic experience. My Mom died of ovarian cancer July 3rd 2009. She had the surgery followed by chemo treatments, it was in remission for 4 years. Only to come back again about a year and a half later. More chemo, tons of tests, they switched chemo treatments a few times. We got her into one of the best cancer treatment centers and the end result was, she still died. I seen my mom go through so much with the chemo treatments so I understand your mom's not wanting to go through it =/ I would of insisted Mom do chemo, too simply cause I couldn't bear to lose her. It hurts. It hasn't gotten better so far. In fact sometimes it seems to get worse as I realize, I've never gone without talking to her for so long. I really hope it does get easier for the both of us. Like you my Mom was pretty much all I had. Never been close to my Dad.

How wonderful!! A friend painted a picture of my old barn (at our other place) as a surprise for me. She even included two of the horses in it....which was a little funny because they were boarded horses, not mine, but it is a treasure and I so appreciate it.

Thank you all for your suggestions. azzalea, I do many of the repairs. I am more handy then most men and can do a lot of things except electical and appliance work. In the past month I've hung a new door on our coat closet then painted it and put in a new knob, which meant moving the striker and redrilling the striker hole in the jamb. I've also removed our handrail on the stairs going to 2nd floor because the original builder didnt' sink the screws into studs, just the lath and plaster, and after 50+ years the handrail was hanging by a thread. I patched the holes, sanded them down and painted, found the studs, moved the brackets & re-hung the handrail. I also patched the plaster in the downstairs bathroom ceiling when the upstair toilet overflowed & leaked through, then sealed and painted it. So construction type work doesn't scare me. I grew up in the 60's and 70's who while Dad was taking my brother to job sites with him, it would never have occurred to him to take me or teach me anything. What I know I've learned through "osmosis." I did replace the light switch in the bathroom but the problem isn't in the switch - and I am not qualifed to tear into the walls for the wiring or the service box. And the lamp is far, far away from any water. We have a 6' counter, with sink at one end, and the lamp is on the other end. And at 75, my dad can run rings around most 50 year olds. Through exercise, eating right & right living, he's never taken and Rx, never had a major illness, and is more physically fit than I am. He retired because he and his partner just finished a 15 acre development, and his partner ran for a state-level polical office and won. Dad decided rather than do it all himself on the next develoment since his partner would be tied up most of the time, he'd just end the partnership. I give it 6 months - he'll be buying more land and doing another development on his own. My dad can't sit still for 5 mintues. You are all right - my dad is who he is and I will never change that. He is not the way I want him to be and that will not change. I need to let it go - and let go of letting what he thinks of me bother me. What is hard is that I call every Thursday night and have for the past 25 years. My dad answers EVERY TIME (in his world, women don't answer the phone). Before I can talk to my mom, I have to hear him groan and moan about how awful the world is for about 15 minutes. He grew up dirt poor and has become wildly successful by any measure - wealth, status, friends, etc. Yet he still complains to me every week about how the world isn't a fit place for my sons to grow up in. I bite my tounge every week and every time they visit or I visit them (2x a month). I tell myself, it's only 24 visits a year and 52 phone calls a year. What bothers me the most is that if my brother, who also lives in my town, calls and wants Dad to do something on his house, my Dad drops everything to do it. He has helped my brother finish his basement, install sheetrock in his garage, build an arbor and porch swing, and finish the "bonus room" over hisgarage. He says it's because my brother's house is new (new build develoment house - about 10 years old) and it's easier to work on a newer house. My brother fits my dad's expectation of what a Man should be - he works in a factory, rides a motorcycle, is the "ruler of his household," etc and his wife is the traditional wife. They don't have kids.

You say you've threatened to call the cops if they physically hurt their sister... it sounds like you may have to do more than threaten if it ever happens again. Physical abuse is a crime, and I don't think you have to be 18 to be accountable. There is a very clear line of what can and can't be condoned, talked through or otherwise worked out and physical abuse is over that line. The boys need to know very plainly and in no uncertain terms that if they hurt the girls or anyone else, they will be picked up by the cops. As for the other stuff (lying, refusing to do chores), well, obviously that's harder to deal with because it's more vague. But I think it's safe to say that in most human dealings, the best way to influence or improve somebody's behavior is to make it real unpleasant for them to continue what they're doing... to make it in their interest to change their behavior. And let them know the deal so there is no surprise or uncertainty so that if they choose to misbehave they have no one to blame for the repercussions they suffer but themselves. It may not prove a foolproof method, but I'd guess it's worth a try. Like for example: "Dude, you are NOT going to like what happens if I hear you call your sister a bad name again, because you're not going to like scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush and vinegar at 5:00 in the morning. Your choice." Or: "yeah I know you don't really feel like doing the dishes. And I don't really feel like cooking you dinner or paying for your phone either. If you back out on your promises and contributions to the family, I guess others in the family have a right to back out on their promises and contributions to you. It's much better for all of us if we all pitch in and do things to help each other out. But again, your choice." You as the step-parent who isn't even living full-time with the step-kids REALLY don't have to do anything for them. Their mom obviously has to provide a basic decent level of care and make sure there's food in the house for them to eat, etc. But at their age she doesn't have to cook it! There are plenty of "extra" things you and she can leverage and refuse to do for them until they learn to behave decently, without running the risk of being negligent parents. In the meantime, though, do proceed with family counseling. Even though the boys' behavior desperately needs changing, it sounds like there are some genuine adjustment problems and anger issues that need to be addressed. Especially with the older boy, who sadly sounds like he has had a lot in his life to be angry about. He just can't be allowed to continue expressing it in the ways that he has been.