It is time to have a sit down meeting with Sister and hash things out. But, don't be defensive or aggressive. Present the issues and ask "how do we resolve this?".

I'm sorry you feel "guilty". Honestly, when our Parents get older, no matter what quality of care they have, there is a little bit of "guilt" feelings, just because you can't be there 24/7. Guilt isn't healthy, so we just have to accept that we can't be "everything" to "everyone"..."all the time".

Just love her and do what you are truly "able" to do and you will feel better.

Gayle

Peg, it will take time. Remind mom, you are _____ (fill in the blank for distance) miles across town, and it just isn't possible right now for you to hop on the bus.

All of you need adjusting time. Your mom will turn to your sister sooner or later, your sister will get the hang of it, and you will adjust to having all that free time.

Really!

Hang in there. Those phone calls were to be expected.

Moni

(((Mcpeg))), first and foremost you are going to tell yourself you are NOT guilty. It's going to be hard these first few weeks until your Mom learns you are not going to jump everytime she calls.

It will be hard for you, but maybe you will have to not answer the phone for awhile. Tell her to have sister read the instructions you gave her. Your Mom thinks she has the best of both worlds now, she's at Sis' and she still has you to wait on her hand and foot. She is going to have to realize that this is not so and you can't do it.

Are you able to go back to work and tell her that you are not going to be available unless it's an emergency?

Most of all I want you to not feel guilty and be depressed.
Maybe get out and do something you want to do.

As I said it's going to be hard going the next few weeks but you must not give in to her every demand, she will slowly realize that you mean what you say. It's really, really hard when it's your Mother. Keeping you in special thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))

Don't lose it kiddo. You have come too far to do that now.

Can I do this, can I do that for her.
Just what are the things? Big (to her)? Little?. Maybe try and sort out what the biggest is, and just do whatever you can. Can maybe nephews do any of these things for their grandmother?
Are they things that could easily be solved with a phone call?...or maybe at least some of them?

I have 3 way calling on my phone and it has come in handy several times helping an elderly friend with some of her business. I could not do the things myself (no power of attorney and due to the privacy act) but with the 2 of us, we were able to get her mail order medicines ordered, long distance turned back on, etc...all things she was no longer be capable of doing for herself. She is now in assisted living...a good thing.

Sue

Bad habits are hard to break, no matter what we're talking about. Eventually the new habits will become more familiar and just as comforting. Hang in there ~ don't give up and certainly don't give in.

Don't feel guilty later when the phone calls from your Mom stop or slow down it will just mean that she has accepted the new habits.

Change is always hard. Your Mom and your sister both need time to adjust.

Maybe you could go ahead and call about the home health care, get the ball rolling in that regard.

Try not to feel guilty. You've done so very much for your Mom already.

(((McPeg)))

Peg, I'm thinking maybe there might be one or two things you can do. Is that possible? I know she's in your sister's care now, but really we know no one is going to take care of her like you did. Sending her to your sister didn't necessarily mean cutting her off, did it? You can't do anything for her? You and she both will feel so much better if just one or two things can be done until sis gets accustomed to mom's needs entirely. Could make for a smooth transition for all of you. I don't know that I would have absorbed four pages of instructions just yet. I didn't know you were washing your hands except for conversations or hugs. I don't know that any child can do that for an elderly parent with so many needs, even if she were in a nursing home. You don't have to care for mom full time, and you don't have to be bothered with sis invading your home. But, don't try to teach sis a lesson all at once like this. Mom suffers then and so do you. I hope you feel better whatever you decide.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. You have done the best you can. If you only knew how often I've felt guilt for not having enough time to visit or care for my mom. But it's just not possible for me with my other obligations, to me,my work and my husband.
Is there a way that you could allocate 1 or 2 hours a week, the same time each week to your Mom? That way she will know your time restrictions but will also have your visit to look forward to and it will alleviate some of your guilt feelings. You can then plan your time better around it.
McPeg you can only do so much and only you can set those limits. You have to realize that you are human not a superwoman.
Telling your Sis how to handle it won't help. She also needs to find her own way to deal with it. Your Mom needs time to adjust to the change as do you.
Just do what you can and accept that with time most problems will work out.

you might also make an effort to encourage communication between mom and sis.

Sis may not realize your mom needs something, bcs she wasn't there daily to see what needed to be done. So, mom needs to tell her, talk to her, ask for what she needs, to help "train"sis.

Keep encouraging them to talk w/ one another, and only do those things that truly would be hard for your sis to do (if she's at work during the day, you could do 3-way conference calls w/ mom to sort of business sorts of stuff, for example)

Do NOT play into this. This situation is not unique to you and it has little to do with where your mom lives.

Your mom has lost "her" home and decision making. This happened long before she moved in with your sister.

When the elderly feel a lack of control they manipulate "the system" to retain control. Just like children.

When she was living with you she did it through having your sister and family drop in and use your home as a daycare. You were the "bad" guy for objecting.

Now she is living with sister and sister is the "bad" guy. You will continue to receive calls about sister's failings now.

I went through this. I know. When MIL was living was us she was grateful but unhappy to be a "burden". When she moved into a board and care home she would refuse to eat or take her pain medication (SEVERE crippling arthritis). We had her only a mile away and even though we stopped and visited almost daily the calls would come at night. She would tell the caregivers that she would only take her pills when her son was there. No problem during the day when she knew he was at work. Always at night.

The board and care didn't work out due to this so she moved back with us. Things did not get much better here.

We finally found a good nursing home near my DH's work. He would stop and visit on his way home.

There are a lot of good "caregivers" survival guides out there. This very situation is addressed in many of them.

I have an excellent one lying about that helped us deal with the "guilt" we felt at no longer being able to care for DMIL. If I can find it I will post the title and author.

I think she's used to going to you for things...and at her age, change comes slowly.
Sister has also trained mother to believe that she's "too busy".

They have to learn to live together. Commiserate with mom, but don't run over to do anything. Encourage mom to tell sister what she needs, and unless it's something that would be harmful to/for mom....let them work it out.

I would talk to mom on the phone, but keep visits down for a while...and don't do any chores for her when you visit.

Later, you can do little things for her....but right now, she needs to learn to ask sister.

Change is very difficult for the elderly. When my mom had to move into a board and care home she complained for about six months about how unhappy she was there. When XDH and I would take her out to dinner, she would spend the whole time complaining about how unhappy she was and how it was all my fault. After about six months she adjusted.

Peg, I've been reading about your problems.
I recognize the pain in your 'words', today and in the past.
Please remember this while you read the following words:

Your Mom or sister can't take advantage of you unless you let them. You cannot control what your Mom or sister are doing but you CAN control your own reactions. Your family is creating a play, a drama and your reaction is YOUR contribution to the drama.

I have been where you are at so I know what I'm talking about.

Until you learn to let go of the part you have been playing in this 'play' you will continue to drown in all the drama

Your Mom and more so, your sister, KNOW the control they have over you. Not only do they KNOW they have the power they have no compunction of asserting that control over you. You are their puppet. You need to realize, darlin' that your power is just as strong as theirs; the power to not get even or continue with the 'play' but the power to remove yourself from this emotional mess and to do what's right for you.

Are you a victim?
Yes, you have been.
But it's time for you to stop being a victim.
Only you can do this.

Sometime, and I hope it is soon, you need to let go of the bad feelings between you and your sister. Until you do she will continue to have this tremendous power over you.

GIVE HER the power to take care of your Mom and go on with your life. Until you do this, they will keep, may I say it out loud?..jerking you around.

My suggestion is talking to your mother once or twice a day; calls YOU you make to her. If she calls about issues your sister is to handle, tell her to call your sister then pleasantly end the call. It'll take lots and lots of uheart tugging phone calls for a long time but if you give in just once, the 'play' begins all over again.
((Peg))

The first time will be the hardest but I guarantee if you stay steady you will be amazed at how good you'll feel about yourself. And empowered. You'll LOVE the feeling of knowing you can deal with your Mom in a loving way and still keep your dignity and emotions intact.

Your mom and sister will try all kinds of tricks to pull on you...and that's what they are....tricks to get you to do something, or, which I suspect is mostly the case on your sister's part, to watch you fall apart. I am going to venture as far as to say your sister enjoys every minute of it. This is not something someone who cares for you does and only you can put a stop to it.

No. It's not fair but that's how it is, darlin'. YOU have to take care of YOU and only YOU can keep this dramatic 'play' out of your life. Many many things in our lives are out of our control. This situation is WITHIN your control.

The saying 'You are You're Own Best Friend' is very very true. Nobody knows your heart better than you.
Nobody knows better than you what you need to maintain peace and calm in your life.
And, nobody has the power to help you more than you do yourself.

It won't be easy.
I know it wasn't for me.
But you have to let go and forgive.
You don't have to forget but you do have to forgive. Only then can you move forward to making yourself emotionally healthy.

I am sorry.
I wish I could come up with softer words for you but there aren't any. Just the hard facts.

I suspect you are a very strong person.
I also suspect this emotional situation you are in took years and years to create.
Now it's time to take that strength and direct it inward to your health and the health of your own family.
Good luck and God bless.
It won't be easy but the right thing is NEVER the easiest.

It sounds like you have your husband in your corner.
It's good to have an ally during tough times. Let him help you, okay?

Lori

Why not tell her you will talk to sis about what she needs then leave a message on sis' answering machine (hope she has one) and tell her mom says she needs this or that

re read lori's post... excellent advice and suggestions. in fact, i'd copy her post and keep it by the phone...

I remember how upsetting it was to you that your sister was taking over your home. Maybe tell mom you don't want your sister to accuse you of the same thing by running over there all the time! If there are some things you could take care of for your mother like bestlawn suggested, I think it would be helpful.

Please hang in there. It sounds to me you are still feeling 100% responsible for your mom's care, but you're not anymore, and will have to accept that your sister may not do things as you did (or as well). Watch your guilt levels, sounds like others can play you on that.
Take care.

Peg...call your local access center....and dont tell me that they are only ordered by doctors or that anyone has to pay for them...trust me,I know what I'm talking about.
Tell them that mother needs a PSW in her home a couple times a week;that should take the "pressure" off of the "busy" sister...but most importantly off of you...and follow the rest of the ideas above..above all,if and when yo do go to visit Mom,take the "shoulds" out of the visit...listen to yourself,what you are planning when you go there...I "should" do her vacuuming;I "should" clean her fingernails;I "should" take her shopping..etc...take the "shoulds" out and have a visit..its hard to do,but it can and will be done

(((((Peggy!))))) I wondered where you were! I heartily agree with everthing Lori and Susan said. Such good, sweet-hearted advice. I hope and pray that you'll realize it's true and busy yourself with other things - a vacation would be great. You could come to the south, where we're known for our hospitality and sweet iced tea! And please accept all of our heart-felt hugs, we mean them! And it's Ok to cry, sometimes it's even a good thing. But don't feel guilty, you're a GOOD daughter - more than good, and you've done nothing wrong! Let us hear from you, sweetie. (((Peggy)))
Nancy

Read what Lori said (very well I might add) and put it into play.
This will continue to be a problem for you until YOU take the control and stop letting your sister control you.
This has been going on and upsetting your life far to long.
You deserve some closure to this, but you have to make that happen.

Thank you everyone - AGAIN. What an emotional roller coaster. I let my emotions run rampant (life long challenge). I've thought about things and feel I was being a little harsh. Some days my life skills take a nose dive.
I'm not a working Mom raising teenagers so I don't truly appreciate my sisters homelife. She's doing the best she can and making adjustments. I called my Mom today and told her I would like to visit with her tomorrow afternoon, bring her mail, fill out change of address forms on her pensions and such and I will call to set up her home lab work with her tomorrow.
I have decided when I visit my Mom I will check in advance to see what things I can do to help. My Mom is also 'working' on my sister to get a maid in since my Mom can get home help. Apparently no one could find my sister last night - she had a full laundry basket and was asleep on her son's bed - out cold.

Thank you for taking the time to post your comments - they are a great help to me making this transition. I love my Mom and would like to do what I can. I just got so fed up being a door mat I felt like locking the door and changing my phone to escape.

I've started sleeping again, with the doctor's help, which is helping things go back into perspective.

I'm going to be rereading this post for the next couple of days and thinking about adjusting to the new routine. I'm still purgine this house and working towards painting...and I am seriously thinking of working for my temp agency again on short term contracts before I lose my mind. I don't know how not to be busy. It's just not me.

(((((((((((((((((((to all my KTer friends)))))))))))))))))))
You mean so much to me.

LOL
Peggy

Hope you can get more rest. That is so much better for your health and well-being. Do what you can for your mom and don't try to take on too much work or guilt. It is good that you realize your sister has challenges too. But don't let her challenges take over your life if you can avoid it. Getting in a maid or a home health professional sounds like a good option.

Ditto what others have said about loved ones feeling depressed about life changes and making us feel guilty for doing the right thing. Even after several years in an excellent foster family, our brother tells us how horrible they are and how he has to leave. The same brother that told his fosters how much he loved them when they came to visit him in the hospital. He doesn't hate them, he hates the position he is in that life has thrown him and having little control over it. I would keep in contact with your mom so she still feels loved. If she needs to vent, I'd let her. But don't accept any guilt, because you did what was in hers and your best interests.

Hang in there, it will get easier even if it's not always good.

Honestly, Peg, I don't think you need any advice from us. I cannot be sure I would be able to arrive at the logical conclusions that you do all the time. It seems initially you get emotional and overreact, but you always come around to a sensible mind and end up doing the right thing. Kudos for you and the decision you made once again. While I can't disagree with some of the other advice here, as I'm sure those are their experiences, I did not see that as your experience in this instance. Mom lives with your sister now, but I don't see that as cutting her off from all help she needs from you. While she was with you, you took on the responsibility completely. But, that was not fair to you. Everything should not have fallen on your shoulders when you have siblings that could share some of it. Now, it should not all fall on your sister. There are some things - one/two a week or one/two a month - that you can do, even if those are just phone calls that need to be made.

At any rate, I am so glad you're feeling better about things and have once again made decisions that are right for you. I don't see that as allowing them to run over you. You seem to know your own limits very well.