Have you shown him photos of kitchens with it?

Is there something else he really wants in the kitchen, that would assuage or distract him?

Have you tired your feminine wiles? (sp?)

Read the thread linked below and scroll down to laxsupermom. WOrked for me!

Here is a link that might be useful: SSHHHH.... it's secret

I hadn't seen LaxSupermom's post before.

Why is it I'm guessing her DH is now suggesting remodelling, say, all the bathrooms, adding a sunroom, and refinishing all the woodwork?

LOL I read that post previously...in a word, UGH. I don't have the strength these days. Mentally or physically!

Use the force.
:o)
Actually, he already told you to get what you like, so take him at his word and stop worrying whether he will like it or not. Seriously.

remodelfla - I hadn't seen that before. sooooo funny.

fivefootzero (btw, I am too) - Looks like he is really trying but is just not a fan of soapstone. Either you have to live with him not loving it (yes, he MAY grow to like it, but no guarantees), or you guys need to find a compromise.

What about a different material altogether? What about a granite that is neither dark nor creamy.

There are so many options - hopefully you guys can find something you both agree on.

Butterfly Antique granite?
Pantano Green (I LOVE IT!)?

Good Luck. Let us know what you decide, Maybe he really doesn't care!

I'm with Adrienne! I've had similar discussions with DH, but he doesn't say "get what you want"!! I love the soapstone, he likes the shiny of granite. I've decided anything is better than the old laminate we've had and granite is the countertop of choice is my area, so I'm going granite. But if DH said "Get what you want", I'd be all over the Monsoon Wave!!!

Have you considered Jet Mist/Virginia Mist? How about a darker gray quartzite? You'd go a little lighter than you want and he goes away from the browns & golds.
I'd say hit the yards and keep looking together until something clicks or he gets tired of spending his free time looking for the right stone ;)
I think Op Sex could very well work nicely. At least it would relieve the stress of the reno and make him nicer to be around. In the afterglow, he may just agree to anything, lol.

The Monsoon Wave is a different kind of soapstone. A bit harder, not as dark, and gloriously WAVEY!!! Have you shown him that one?

LOL at everyone...it really is exhausting.

And about other choices, one thing I need to avoid is GREEN. He hates green.

Any other ideas? I really want a backsplash sort of like a crackle subway tile (which BTW would be beautiful with the soapstone). If I choose the granite (Santa River, similar to Santa Cecelia), I'm limted to a tumbled beige...unless anyone has any other ideas?

Here is a sampling of what the granite looks like (it's not the sample I have though, but something very similar).

I mean really, how can someone actually "hate" a countertop??? He knows I can make it pretty either way...I think it just bothers me that he has such disgust for it.

Here is a link that might be useful: {{!gwi}}

Oh Dear, I'm forever going to be linked to the Op.S. method. It's important to note that this is not a bribe. It's just that men who wake up smiling tend to whistle while they work.

mtnrdredux, no renos in the forecast right now. DH's work has been extremely stressful. Every 6 months there's a layoff and he's given more work. I'd love a new laundry room, but I certainly don't want to stress him out more.

LAX: I'm not opposed to a bribe...and if it works, hey, even better. I just find it hard since I'm not liking him very much these days...LOL

And for those that need it, here's a sample of my cabinet door (we ordered without the faux pegs though).

Any and all ideas welcome. I so want a resolution.

And dragging him around to yards is fine, but we have no time, and I wind up taking vacation time to do it since most yards aren't open late, and then Saturdays are either a zoo or we're consumed by Mite hockey.

Should I just wait till the cabinets are installed and see where we are at that point as far as the "shade" of the room?

Here is a link that might be useful: {{!gwi}}

I guess I'm in the minority, here but I think if he really dislikes soapstone so much, it isn't right to coerce him into it. Presumably he will also be working in the kitchen and paying for it with you.

If that granite is too limiting, look for another one. Or solid surface. Or quartz. Or something you both can live with.

What's more important, your husband or a counter???

Just curious, has your DH stated the counter he would really like? If he has no opinion on what he really wants I say go for what you do.

Show him oodles of photos of kitchen with the look you're going for, not just cold slabs in the stone yard. Ask your fabricator to direct you to some real kitchens where they've installed soapstone. If, seeing it in situ, he still really dislikes it, then he really dislikes it. Find something that you both like.

I gave up on buttery yellow cabinets, a barrel-shaped hood, a double-jointed faucet, and (sniffle, sniffle) a second faucet on the one sink, all because my husband was opposed to their looks. Building something that is going to continually irk some members of the household is not a good idea.

**Building something that is going to continually irk some members of the household is not a good idea.**

True. But remember that you are also a member of the household who should not be continually irked, either. And I do think that if one member of the couple is the cook or kitchen god(dess)--cooking, cleaning, etc.--and the other doesn't cook, the cook's preference should hold more weight.

Do a compromise. Use the soapstone around the range area or island, and do something else for the rest of it. If he hates soapstone, (and that is a STRONG reaction) then HE needs to find something he loves. And, perhaps you need a mediator. Often, that's my role in a remodel rather than actual creative design work. It's bringing two divergent styles together. It CAN happen, but it's going to be harder to do on your own without an objective third party. Paying a designer for a couple of hours of consultation for your choices wouldn't be an outrageous expense, and it could be the best money you spend on the remodel.

I think if your husband hates green, you may be out of luck with soapstone.

My husband was against the idea, but I kept working on him and he got use to it. He wasn't too excited about the samples that came, but he was OK leaving that all up to me.

Then the stone showed up, and he fell in love with it. I got Monsoon wave, and oiled it's a rich, varied intense GREEN stone. I knew DH would fall in love because deep inside he loves green. He pretends blue is his favorite color, but over the years he told me his "dream" home was white with dark green trim (which we now have) and when he got to pick the colors for the upstairs room, it's decorated in Pine Forest/cabin look.

Some times a person "hates" something because it triggers memories/emotions from childhood. Usually no reasoning with that - somethings give us the "willies" and even intense theorpy won't get us over.

And some people actually have tactitcal sensory problems. Maybe the "feel" of soapstone triggers something in his brain that he can not process correctly.

"But remember that you are also a member of the household who should not be continually irked, either."

I wasn't suggesting that fivefootzero put in a countertop that she dislikes, either, but rather searching for something that appeals to both.

I'm with those who think you should try to find something you both like.

This happened to me too. I fell in love with Soapstone via this site, but DH had a very negative reaction to it the first time we went to the showroom. His reasons were similar. Just didn't like anything about it at all and this was very rare as he usually prefers unique choices. He kept telling me I should get what I wanted and we even went to another showroom about a year later to look again, but no go. We decided to look at granite while we were there and found one we both loved. It turned out not to be a good granite for a kitchen, but we kept looking and eventually found Cosmic Black was one we could both agree on. I had ruled out granite early on, but found I really do like this one and am happy with the decision.

Our soapstone has no green in it at all so you can find a soapstone that won't offend your spouse, at least color wise. DH didn't want soapstone either but deferred to me. Now he LOVES it; in fact, he likes it more than I do.

I was going to suggest a dark granite, too. Maybe get away from the beiges, but still not too green. Whatever you choose, I'd find something you both like a lot...even if neither of you loves it. You and your husband, both, enjoying the new kitchen is more important than your countertops :)

The determination and creativity of TKO'ing women never ceases to amaze me . . .

Looking forward to tearing apart my kitchen and then leaving it gutted until holidays. Let the bribes flow, I say.

Devils advocate here: Has your husband said no to anything else? Or have you been able to make all the other decisions and he has gone along with them. When we do work on our house I pretty much make all the decisions - what we're doing and who is doing it and what products we are using ( lights, counters, taps, colours, etc). If my husband says no to something that I have chosen it means that he feels very strongly about it and so it doesn't get picked. He so rarely says no that I feel I have an obligation to take his taste/feelings into account. It's his house as well.

We both make decisions when it's something major...and yes, he said no to painted cabinets so I got stained, he wanted french door, I wanted side by side. He does defer to me for many decorating decisions, my mistake is to ask his opinion most of the time...because I want him to like things too. He normally doesn't even notice half the things though. I don't think I can get away with putting the soapstone in and him not noticing this time.

I'd do my best to find one you can both be happy about. Neither may get their first choice, but both should get something they reasonably like. My dh has had very few things he cares about and it is hard to predict which item will hit him one way or the other. I ask his opinion all the time and he often seems to want me to just go ahead without him, however, I went to the fabricator and chose the master bathroom faucet to be offset to the left side of our vessel sink and he absolutely hates it. I had no idea he'd care either way. Since we are not broke, he has to deal with it at least long enough until we can afford a new vanity top. I suspect he will get used to it and it won't bug him, but counters are larger and more noticeable. I also did not do something he hated intentionally. I mean, I intended for the faucet to be placed where it was, but had no intention to do something he hates or even that it would register on his radar. That is why I continue to run things by him because no matter how his eyes may glaze over sometimes, and he may say to do what I want, when it comes down to it, he does have opinions about house stuff sometimes.
I also agree that if you have made most of the decisions on the reno, you may want to give him this one. You may not go with his first choice of stone, but if that were true, I'd try to get one close to it that I could live with. The one he picked is not my cup of tea at all, but I could probably use it to find one close enough for him and yet still be better if I were going to have to see it every day.
One to consider might be Yellow River granite. It is not so far from what he likes, but has more movement and is more interesting. I'd also take a peek at Bardiglio, which is a marble, but is primarily gray with black and white in it. It would get away from the green he does not like and lighten up the soapstone that you do like.
The quartzites would also be on the top of the list to consider. They are lighter than you want, but there is no green and they could still be better than the one he chose to you.
Just don't order anything until you are both getting enough of what you want to not resent the choice. It is not worth the annoyance and disappointment to have someone "win" if it makes the other "lose".

I think there are so many amazing materials out there, that there has to exist something that you both love. I was going to get a dark honed/leathered granite, but dh's only request for the whole kitchen was that he wanted a polished granite. I felt that I had made every other decision, and I ended up with a light polished granite that I think I love in my space even more than my original pick.

I'm like you = I like to ask my husband on almost everything. The problem, he got to thinking I was asking HIM to make the decision, not that I was asking for his ideas.

So pretty soon he was telling me what he thought should be done, and he wasn't putting much thought into it, and then he started getting mad - "why do you ask me when you do something different?"

Now, we've been married over 30 years, so it's not like we aren't use to each other - but I got real mad one day and let him have it. I asked him if he thought I was asking his opinion becuase I was incapable of making the desision myself? I told him I was not looking for him to DECIDE, I only wanted his thoughts so I could use them to make choices. Since we DIY, too often his main consideration is that he thinks something might be less work - even if he's not the one doing the work!

I try hard to get the "why" out of my husband, so I can figure out if he feel strongly about something, or is just pulling something out of the air because he doesn't want me to ask about it anymore.

I do know that the stress in the relationship has been going down as the kitchen is getting closer to done LOL!

I really, really wanted quartzite countertops, but DH did not. I did not get quartzite. I was not disappointed, because I found countertops that we both like and still compliment our kitchen. And personal style.

I know that it feels like a really big deal now because you are in the heat of the moment, but as warmfrdge said "What's more important, your husband or a counter???"

It it just a counter. Surely the two of you can find something that makes you both happy. I would even start by looking on www.marble.com with him to see if there is something else out there. I am sure you can find a compromise. He sounds like a reasonable guy (he is trying to like soapstone after all. he just doesn't).

Please, for the love of pete, do NOT let my husband see laxsupermom's post! ;^)

My hubby hated soapstone, too. HE saw it installed in a customer's house, and it totally turned him off. Fortunately, I wasn't completely planning on it, myself; it was in the back of my mind, though, so when he said "No" when I casually mentioned SS, I mentally crossed it off my list. I made absolutely certain he was involved in the countertop decision--even though his eyes glazed over, and he said, "You decide."

Happily, he pointed to the granite I had been coveting for a really long time when I showed him 4 samples of different granites. I knew then it was meant to be. :^)

You'll find something you BOTH love, I am sure of that. There are soooo many options out there. Like someone else said, what about a Jet/Virginia Mist that resembles soapstone when honed? It's a lighter gray, and maybe not so cold looking for him.

P.S. John, you totally crack me up! :^D

Fivefoot0,

ARE WE MARRIED TO THE SAME MAN???

I am simply stunned your husband must be a twin to mine.
Everything. Serioulsy everything you have written above
could be my DH. Does he have blue eyes? Dark hair? Does he
play soccer?

I wanted SS.
He said "No, I can't live with that. It looks like my high
school chemistry lab. Ugly! But get what you want."

Don't you love that classic passive agressive stance.

In my marriage I chose my battles carefully. While I love
the look off SS I had fears of the oiling, scatching, the
unknowns... I could not risk it. I did not want to get SS
and wind up with his "I told you so. All the money we spent
on such an ugly counter."

If you really love SS get it, He will come to accept it.
(If he is indeed like my DH) He might complain a bit at
first but after a while he will come to tolerate. My husband
did not want dogs, a pool, a garden, a ski cottage,
dark stained wood floors, a king size bed... the list goes
on and after a while he has fallen in love with all those
things he thought he hated.

I might add once the SS is installed you MUST follow
Laxsupermom's tricks. Your happiness over the SS can easily
translate to joy in the bedroom.
~boxer

Macybaby and Boxerpups...we must be married to triplets. But Boxer, my husband is blonde, hazel eyes, and plays hockey! LOL

The whole association with laboratories, etc...if its in a kitchen setting, just boggles my mind. I guess I can look past things, and he constantly boasts about this to other people about me. He gets something stuck in his head about the way something "should" be or the way he's used to it (like the range...I wanted and got a slide in, he didn't like it because it didn't have the panel up the back like a free standing range...only because that's what he was used to, not for any particular functional reason, and to me that doesn't make sense). He's doing the same thing with the soapstone, not giving me concrete reasons WHY. And I guess that's the most confusing part, and then with the "get what you want" right after, my head is spinning like the Linda Blair in the Exorcist.

Just reading the responses (LAX takes the cake with her previous post), it makes me smile and know that we will find something we agree on eventually...and I can let go of the soapstone, and I'm not against granite...I just want to find something that I can work with other than beige.

And Macybaby, you hit the nail on the head when you said you were asking for OPINION...not to make the decision. And sadly, yes, some decisions are based on how much work is involved.

We are going away for a long weekend today...my son has a hockey tournament. I am going to try not to talk about or think about the kitchen (the ruins that it is right now)...and concentrate on having fun with my family and my "hockey family".

When we get back we will start again...

I will keep you all posted...thanks again!!!

My DH and I don't share tastes in the kitchen department, and I am making 95% of the kitchen choices. However, if he really disliked something I would compromise...even though he also says "get what you want". A counter is a BIG something to dislike. Every time you walk in the kitchen. I wish you good luck in finding a compromise or getting him to like soapstone!

It depends on how strong the feelings are and how strongly they are connected to the actual soapstone. What is your normal decision process? Does he change his mind with time? Is he affected by the appearance of his environment?

My DH, love of my life, is very difficult to read. He mostly always says no to change (anything he hasn't already lived with) at least the first two times. He often says he hates something when he really means he feels tired or sick. But I pay attention, and ask him about something similar, and listen for specifics. He wants the new kitchen to have more counter space and a cat. He is pretty oblivious to color and line, but doesn't like florals or busy patterns, or anything too sharply modern. These days he is teasing me about the speed ovens and the toto washlet, but he will come around. He will tease me for the rest of our lives. Small price to pay.

I told him that I will make a few mistakes in the thousands of choices ahead, but I am the best planner he has and he has to live with me regardless. And I made him admit that I have done all the research. Then he gave up and we will live happily ever after. Now if I could just convince the bank ...

I think that if you (and dh?) hate shiny, then granite is not a great choice. I happen to LOVE soapstone (and DH happens to be onboard; we plan to order from PHilly Soapstone in NJ), but if I were moving in to a house with granite and it were leathered, I'd think it was kindof a waste of granite. If you like a more matte look, then soapstone is pretty perfect.

Now on to read this LAXmom thread you all are talking about...