If you're keeping track -- much less asking total strangers about how you compare -- you don't get it. My condolences to both of you and my fervent wish for your maturation.

I'm thinking you might get it a little more if you had a different name...

So Booger how long have you been married?

Oh, all three of you have given me a good laugh, Asolo, Carla, and Booger! I am in complete agreement with you. Thanks.

But how often with each other?

;-)

Oh suzieque,
That was so cute-no wonder you are suzieque! :)

ROFL...good one suzieque!

sex....what's that.

Well le-de-dah for you!

Are you bragging or complaining?

All kidding aside this issue does seem to capture a lot of attention.

I can't believe I'm saying this but everyone is different. Accepting that bit of truth is or could be a real problem. The only knowledge I have is first hand.

We've been married for 30 years and we are both in excellent health live a pretty outgoing life style. Our kids are grown (but keep coming back).

Up until about two years ago I'd say we were having sex twice a week or so. She hit menopause and quickly decided she was wasn't interested as in the past. These days it's strictly a date night on Fridays mostly. It used to be Fridays & Saturdays. However, now we seem to miss a Friday here & there.

While I'm very frustrated I try my best to smile and say it's alright while deep down I'm just pissed off. So now... we do it maybe two or three times a month. I'm afraid to ask if she's interested because I hate being rejected since I already know the answer.

For me, this downturn has made me feel undesirable. I read comments by women here thinking the same way except in reverse. You can only comment on what you know or have experienced. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

What do you do when the side down the slippery slope is NOT what you desire? She makes me feel as though I'm wrong for wanting to be sexual.

Aw,sorry Johnny52. I feel bad for you and your wife.
I can see where both of you are coming from.Your wife's hormones,I think,probably have the most to do with how she feels.
I was on LEXAPRO (an anti-depressant) and it completely hampered any drive I had for sex (and I was a VERY sexual person). I just,never had any desire to have sex.I would even start viewing sexual things as kind of gross.

I still had sex with my husband,because I love him and wanted to please him.It's just personally,I could have done without it!

I think you should try to be honest with your wife instead of grinning and bearing it.
Holding your feelings in seems like it's hurting you.

Tell her you miss being with her intimately,
the way you used to be.
Tell her it is having a negative effect on you.
I'll bet when you tell her that,she may even be surprised to find it out that you felt this way.
Even if she assures you it's not you,

Tell her you are willing to try anything to bring you two closer again.
Maybe she has a hormonal inbalance,in which case a doc
could help.
Hard as it may be,try not to let it effect your self worth.
I'm sure she still loves you very much!

Thanks for your kind words. It's been tough for the past year or so. Yes, we've talked about it but nothing seems to change.

The worst part is my frustration sometimes migrates itself into other matters even though I try my best to just forget about the rejection and pain it creates.

For instance just last night I bend over to kiss her good night and she reacted with "What!" thinking I wanted more. I couldn't help but feel like a puppy who has been scolded for doing something wrong.

Lately, I've just found it easier to give her lots of space which in turn upsets her even more. She tells me I'm not engaging with her as often. Isn't this a double edge sword?

Maybe you could suggest therapy? A non biased third party sometimes help put things into perspective.Shame there isnt a viagra for us ladies ;)

Funny you mention Viagra. Whenever one of those commericals come on TV my wife just rolls her eyes and says something like... "right now there are women everywhere wishing they never developed that drug".

It's comments like that that really hurts the ego.

Hmmm...and when she makes those comments,do you ask,"Are you one of them?"
I really think you need therapy to find out what is going on here.No doubt those kind of comments would offend my husband too if I said them!

Personally, I think sex is just a double-edged sword that people use to inflict pain upon one another in a way that usually leads to the other person feeling bad about themselves.
Fun, oh for about a few months then it becomes a vessel for cruelty.
Personally, if it's a important deal for you then I'd tell her: "Sorry you feel that way, guess I need to find someone who enjoys being with me-" And go and have fun. Life is very short and I think we deserve to have our needs validated,. It's no more "right" for someone to reject you in a marriage or relationship than it is to seek out someone else. I've been cheated on, and I think; "oh well... they had needs I didn't meet -I also had needs they didn't meet. Bottom line-if you get a divorce stay single and have fun for as long as it's fun-then move on.
I will never give anyone the opportunity to make me feel I have to stay with them because we are married, that just gives them the license to inflict pain on me, and I am sick of feeling hurt-no matter WHO dishes it out.

i love sex and i have the opposite problem. my hubby seems to be the one with male menopause. so i have to do other things to sustain my drive until he is in the mood. i could literally have it everyday. i have been tested to make sure my levels were within range and i am healthy. always been like this for over 20 years.

Straycat wandering,your outlook is rather refreshing.

iloveexercise
Really think so?

johnny52, my husband and I have had a similar problem in our marriage in the past. I always kind of felt like my husband was hovering, constantly looking for an "opportunity". And a kiss was never just a kiss. It always felt like it had to lead to something more. That always annoyed me, and I would often react like your wife does. I could never just have a nice kiss with him -- if I did, he would get all hot and bothered and want something more from it. So I always felt on edge, like he was watching me, just waiting to pounce (sounds silly, doesn't it), and like we could just never touch without it having to lead to something more. Is it possible that you're making your wife feel the same way?

I have my own issues with sex...for years, I was never able to enjoy it much, due to a past sexual assault and just general pain issues. For most of our marriage, we've been lucky if we had sex more than a few times a year (sad, huh?) We've talked things through, and worked things out a lot, and my husband no longer does his watching/pouncing thing, and I've learned to enjoy sex a lot more, and we generally have sex 2 or 3 times a month now. That's pretty good for us, and I think he's pretty content with that, as am I. He could probably manage to have it even more, but he knows that's what I'm able to give right now, and he's satisfied. I think our marriage is a lot healthier now that we've worked through these issues, and we're able to have sex more often; we certainly feel a lot closer, physically and emotionally.

I would like to have it two or three times a week but my wife uses it as a control issue. She acts as if it is a service she must perform every couple of weeks. It is like come on lets get this over. If we have a fight I may not have sex for weeks. This has made me have a lot of saddness and anger. When I do get a kiss, like above, I probably also pounce which makes things worse. I have trouble just hanging out with her as the thought of "today may be the sex day" is always in the back of my mind. I doubt I will ever be able to relax and just enjoy time with her as long as "sex" is handed out when she sees necessary.

It seems there has been some posts on this issue since I last logged on. Where have I been? We had a quick 4 days stay on a most beautiful Mexican beach. But even that brought out some issues.

There were certain expectations about this trip and sex. Was it wrong to think we might been having sex every day or was rthat just a fantasy all men have? We were away from the rest of the world with no cares in the world and still I felt as though there was a true let down.

The way I saw it, the situation just doesn't get any better than this. 5 days, 4 nights in a beautiful place overlooking the beach. Yes, We actually had a beach front view.

The first night we had some very stimulating sex. There was no rush at all. I know my way around the kitchen you might say and it's always better to slow everything down until it reaches the boiling point. It was fantasic! My wife would have agreed also... It was win win situation.

I tried to rekindle that spark again in the morning as lovers sometimes do but she wasn't interested until later in the day. Late that afternoon she surprised me with a bit of teasing so it seemed we were surely on the same page. But later on she didn't feel well and thought waiting until the next day would better.

She fine the next day but this time it was me coming down with a head cold. She wanted me to rest that evening but I wanted to still go out in the evening & do all the usual evening things. Entertainment, walking the beach. We ended up fighting about whether or not we should just go back & read or watch TV. That just sounded like that scenerio was boring.

We barely even spoke to each other for the rest of the evening. It was terrible. What a waste of a vacation.

That was it for the weekend. My cold got 100% worse but I did my best to go with the flow. It didn't seem to bother her AT ALL that our romantic Mexican Beach Getaway turned into just catching some rays and reading on the beach.

After returning home we did talk a bit about it. Yes, I was upset that we didn't have that sex filled 4 days that I envisioned. "Why do you have to be so negative" she commented. She thought it was awonderful trip.

When I replied with my maybe too high expections she just steamed "whatever I do is never enough" is her favorite phrase. I wasn't mad at her, I was just disappointed we weren't inimate more often during our vacation. That wasn't the response she wanted to hear.

By the way she now has my cold and nothing will be happening this weekend (as it should be). But I do feel more & more resentment towards her and I can't seem to shake off my attitude. How does this work?

johnny - Sorry your trip didn't work out as planned. perhaps your wife had her own set of expectations for the trip. Maybe a chance to reconnect on an emotional level, not so much on a physical. I can't speak for all women, but I know most need the emotional first. Life gets hectic at home with work, kids, bills, etc and often times we as a couple and as indviduals sort of get lost in the shuffle.

I know through other posts that you have written, you have tried reaching out to her and wanting to work on the problem. I feel your frustration. If sex is an issue at home, then changing locations probably won't fix it. I think you've mentioned you've gone to marriage counseling?

johnny,

I feel for you, but you got sick and the weekend wasn't what you had planned. I'm not really sure what you are upset with your wife about.

It sounds like you wanted her to be upset that "your" expectations of the trip were not met and you are disappointed that she's not? Why? It may very well be that your wife was disappointed or did want the same thing as you out of the weekend but that she is just able to handle disappointment and changing circumstances better. I used to get upset if trips and activities didn't go as planned, but just going through life, I've learned to lower my expectations and not get disappointed when things didn't go perfectly (which I find out they hardly ever do).

I think you were setting yourself up for disappointment hoping for a perfect romantic sex filled vacation. It's a shame you got sick, but don't blame her for NOT being mad that you got sick. She's not you; she has different feelings and different reasonings for her feelings and different expectations. I'm sort of wondering why such a nice guy as you can't just be happy for her that your sickness didn't seem to ruin her trip -- and be thankful that you're not married to a woman who was ragging on you that you got sick and ruined her trip.

Is it really all about you and your wants desires and feelings? Is that what it boils down to for you? She was able to take a negative and still have a pleasant trip -- something not a lot of people can do - and she hit the nail on the head... it's still not good enough for you (whatever she does is probably never enough for you). Maybe you could take some pointers from her on being more positive. Sorry, I know I seem harsh, but you posted and I suspect you would like to know what people truly think -- It sounds to me like you're being too sensitive in this case. And, no matter how nice or romantic you sound, or how nice you try to put it, being selfish and thinking your feelings are more important than hers is never nice.

I have to agree with carla, here. Basically, you got sick and were the one that couldn't perform...and yet you're upset at your wife? Why?

Obviously the trip wasn't what you had built it up in your mind to be beforehand. I'm sure there were still other pleasant aspects to it, so why does the definition of a successful vacation rely solely on how much sex you have? If I were your wife, I'd be pretty frustrated and annoyed with you, too, if after coming back from a relaxing vacation, all you could do is harp on the fact that you didn't get laid enough.

I dont think Johnny52 meant he was upset with his wife.He said he was disappointed they didnt have more sex.
Really though,are vacations ever how we imagine them to be? Something always seems to go wrong.

Straycat wandering~I really do!

Maybe johnny52 isn't being out and out mad at his wife, but how is she supposed to take it when they come back from vacation and all he does is kvetch about the fact that they didn't have enough sex? Especially in light of the fact that in the past he's made it clear that she's not giving him enough? It's going to immediately put her on the defensive and make him feel like he's attacking her. What I don't get is why he's complaining to her about something that she had no control over...all it would do is make her feel bad, and remind her of the fact that once again, he's not getting his needs fulfilled. Immediate guilt trip.

Well,maybe he could have handled his disappointment another way...like telling his wife (in a joking manner) they will just have to make up for it when they get home?

Matti5 made the best point though that if they have a sex problem at home,going on vacation wasnt likely to make it all better.For whatever reason,his wife is avoiding having sex with him.
Maybe she just doesnt want to because of hormones,or maybe he pushes too hard.Either way,they will have a better chance of figuring that out in therapy instead of the beach.

"For whatever reason,his wife is avoiding having sex with him.
Maybe she just doesnt want to because of hormones,or maybe he pushes too hard."

Johnny - I'd suggest you make the following proposal to your wife, starting with this explanation.

You both realize that you want sex more often than she does; that's just your sex drive and hers, and there's nothing 'wrong' with either one of you. You both know that sometimes, when you're both in the mood, that making love together is wonderful, and you cherish those times. But you've also come to realize that you've been 'helicoptering' over her looking for more frequent sex, and that to her, that probably feels like constant, annoying pressure, and that it's having the opposite effect, making her want sex less. So you want to find a solution that ends the helicoptering, meets your sexual needs, and keeps the wonderful and special times.

Then suggest the following: When you want sex, ask her if she will give you a little quickie to take care of your needs until she's ready for 'the real thing' again. Then keep it quick so that what you're asking for isn't too inconvenient. In other words, don't mess up her hair or wet fingernails, catch her right out of the shower and freshly dressed (aim for before, not after), make her late for an appointment, catch right in the middle of something involved -- you get it. When she agrees, thank her. Then don't try to make it last a long time, hoping she'll appreciate your romantic skills -- this is not the time. This is the time to get your physical needs met.

These times should be completely separate from your mutual emotional love-making needs. Do your best to wait until you get a signal from her that she would be receptive, then move slowly at first. Start with real (non-sexual) intimacy, then let her responses guide you. Seduce her or let her seduce you! But wait until she's ready for those times.

Sometimes life can be interesting or at least very surprising.

We were just watching TV around 9:15 pm lastnight when my wife says there's nothing worth watching, walks across the room, leans over ans says "do you want to go upstairs and mess around?".

I'm not sure this has ever happened before in recent years and surely not on a Monday night. Weekdays are strictly off limits. She was headed upstairs in a flash and left me behind to turn everything off and lock up the house.

What folowed was something quite atonishing and exciting. It was like I was 21 all over again and we took our time. No sense in rushing to the main event. We didn't even turn off the bedroom lights. Yes.. it was wonderful!

Afterwards, I commented that she seemed you enjoy the moment too. My wife replied with "I just did it for you". now she could have lied and said .. yes it was great but that's not her style. She quickly realized she said the wrong thing. However, I was just absorbing the atmosphere too much to react to her words.

It was a good one!

She didn't say the wrong thing-she told you the truth. She probably could have watched TV, but decided that you were more important. Thank her!...she is putting you first.

Women can always say the "right thing" if that is what you wants us to...doesn't mean we actually mean it. What would you prefer to hear? A "Sally met Harry" reply or how we REALLY feel?

Johnny,
Two things. I hope that since you took the time to give kudos to your wife on a board full of virtual nobodies, that you also took time to give kudos directly to your wife, in the form of a phone call or a note or email or whatever. To revisit a meaningful exchange is quite powerful.

And her desire to so something just for you is no insult or problem. That is what being in a real relationship is about - doing what we don't FEEL like doing, sometimes.....eventually, feelings often follow. Good for her. Sounds like a keeper.

I'll have to say that in the past week my sex life has gotten a real jump start. Twice in a week! And both very nice.

So Here I was complaining that it's once every 2-3 weeks and now this happens. It seems the average has jump in the stats for at least this week so I'll have to keep a lid on it for the time being.

However, this brings me back to something I've read many times. Couples that have sex more often think about it more often. While those who don't have sex think less about it or lose their desire & interest. It seems so simple because it's the same in anything you do.

When my wife jumped into bed last night she sighed "it feels good to those clothes... no, that not an invitation". I didn't think it was but it was fun to hear. We both wear nothing when we're sleeping.

What do you sleep in?

Huh?

You seriously didn't just ask us what we slept in after telling us you slept in the nude? You're big time creeping me out, johnny.

Aw jeez ... I think we've been duped.

First of all Happy B-day Carla!

So, how many of you have actually answered the question?

For my wife and I, for the past 20 years it has never been a big deal for her. Me on the otherhand, I try to be romantic or get things going but she does not seem to know what to do, or when to do it so to be honest I loose interest in haveing sex with her. So we have sex once or twice a quarter, maybe.
When ever I try to talk to her about it all she does is end up crying and being all mad either at her self or me I am not sure. At this point I don't know what to do, I have given up.
I am scared to ask to go to counciling, I have a great sex drive I could do it every day twice a day....

I just don't understand why so many people are messed up about sex!

...or why they are so eager to broadcast it on the internet!

Gee, I didn't mean to creep anyone out.

Anyway, I've got bigger issues at hand. It's that Birthday gift for the wife problem. It's so difficult to select just the right present. And it's not about the money! Some folks just have the right idea all the time.

This year I went the low but useful road. It's not perfect but it'll always work. Tomorrow night we're going to a fancy dinner too! I told her she better dress up. I believe all wifes love any reason to get going upscale!

Wife's b-days
if it is a milestone birthday, throw her a "this is your life party" invite a few select close by friends that she has not seen for a while and possibly some of her old classmates or teachers.
I did this for my wife's 40th and it worked out great, we played music from the years she graduated and her sister got people together etc.

Sex is emotional, physical and different for everyone. People like to have it and most don't get enough.

One thing I've learned over the years & yes, during our marriage counseling sessions, is that everyone is different. Their desires and needs are never the same.

I'd also suggest that outside of money manners, sex is the next villian that seems to pull our relationship apart. Each of us unwilling or unable to fully understand the strength it has.