You know, nobody likes to know that their significant other is getting turned on by someone else. I think the best way for you (as a married person) to handle this is to make sure your wife isn't aware of your porn. I'm not saying to lie if directly asked about it, but you need to delete your computer sites, hide your videos, and stop your subscriptions from coming to your house where she has to see it. Can't you just pick up your own copy so it won't be shoved in her face?

Although I agree most men do look at porn from time to time, I'm not so sure happily married men engage in the activity enough to even mention it or have problems with having to hide it. If it has become so important that you still "need" subscriptions, and that the options of keeping it hidden from her seems too hard, then maybe, you are using it too often. Hopefully, you aren't neglecting your wife in any way by turning to porn.

Bottom line, you need to respect your wife enough to not let her know of your personal porn activity. I'm sure you don't carry on and flirt with real woman in front of her, why do you think telling her that you are carrying on with these 'fantazy' woman is going to be any less hurtful? She's not crazy; she's normal.

Rethink the fact that you may not even need porn. If it is truly hurting your wife so much to say hurtful things to you, maybe you should think about if it really is needed in your life at this point. Why don't you at least try your life without it for a while? It could make your sex life better. God forbid your wife alone would be the only one to turn you on and satisfy you.... Why that's just crazy to think that's possible....

gammatech; if you are hiding your porn stash then I am not surprised your wife is upset.

It sounds like she is doing her best and has even purchased it and offered to watch it with you, which you have declined.

No wonder your wife thinks you have something to hide!

As a normal American woman of 'a certain age' -- I don't look like a porn star. I'm not unattractive compared to my similar-aged friends, but compared to an 18-year old nymphette, I don't look so hot. And nothing would make me feel less attractive than to be compared unfavorably to an 18-y.o. bimbo who has sex on film for money. I've got much more substance than that. But if I discovered that my husband had a habit of getting aroused by looking at 18-y.o. porn stars, then I would feel like sexually, I was something he had to settle for at the end of the movie -- not the woman he loves and shares the most intimate areas of his life with.

And furthermore -- I don't feel in the slightest bit crazy for feeling that way. In order to feel honest desire, I need to feel honestly desired. That's the difference between making love and having sex.

Do I think your wife's crazy for reacting the way she did? Probably overly dramatic, but certainly not crazy.
Do I think you're evil and nasty for viewing porn? No.
Would your sex life improve if you gave up the porn? I'd be very, very surprised if it didn't.

Porn is sex without intimacy. And by frequently indulging in porn, you're sending the message that you like sex without intimacy -- and that's a message no woman wants to hear from her husband.

Cut down if you can.
Hide it if you can't.
And apologize to your wife for disrespecting her.

I'm more concerned with how angry and hurtful she was about it, I know she was drunk but I can't see why she would be that upset. I'm not saying she has to like it, although most of my friends wives watch with them. (like I said she gets all "weird" about how ugly or fat or not sexy or needing to spice up the bedroom furniture when I have watched with her. Or not shut up about insulting the actresses. I want to know how to get over the really awful things she said. I do apreciate your advice though

What I hear you saying is, you want us all to condone your behavior and tell you how you didn't deserve her being upset, hurt, and angry? It sounds like she may be within a good emotional boundary where she is. You might ought to forgive her just because you love her. Better? Understand she's being reasonable even if she said it poorly.

maybe she was overly dramatic but not one normal woman likes her man to be excited looking at other women. If you do need porn so bad that you are willing to hurt your wife, maybe you do not need to be married. If porn is more important than her feelings, then maybe you have to choose porn. And maybe she will have a chance to find somebody else one day. There is a lot of decent men out there who have no regular interest in porn and who choose a real woman over the one who is paid for having sex on the screen.

You either missed or glossed-over the key sentence in my post:

"Nothing would make me feel less attractive than to be compared unfavorably to an 18-y.o. bimbo who has sex on film for money"

And even if you don't make that comparison, she will. As will virtually every other woman who has that mindset, as most of us do. That translates into feeling rejected and unwanted. It's a very, very painful feeling, and some of us chanel that pain into rage. That sounds like what your wife is doing.

Her feelings aren't weird! They're feminine.
And your dismissiveness of them is callous.
Whether you understand her feelings or not, you need to show them some consideration.
Whether you agree with her feelings or not, you need to show them some respect.

Lose the porn. Cancel the mags. You're being an idiot. Pay attention to your wife.

All your guy-friends spend serious time with porn? My friend, you need new friends and a new perspective. Imaginary sex isn't the stuff of which good marriages are made. Would you dig it if that's where she was at?

Oh. You have a drunk wife? Different issue. However, you did get a dose of her with her inhibitions down. At least pay attention to that.

The problem is...even though you may not be doing it, your wife thinks you are comparing her to these porn women (and let's face it, in some ways you'd have to be) and she doesn't want to have to compete with these women for your sexual desires. Would you really like watching videos with her with men that have a lot more to offer when you know she is comparing you to them wishing for more from you?

Some woman really do enjoy watching porn and can get over the comparison problem thing... but many woman are not turned on by it, so are only focused on comparing themselves to the woman, or commenting on the bad acting, or strange positions, etc. To them it's not a turn on... just another bad movie. It doesn't sound like watching porn together is good for your relationship. And no matter how many friends you have that can watch it together, I would guess the norm is that most couples don't.

You haven't really shared what these awful things were she said. Because of that, I take it that what she said wasn't as important as that she had the nerve to say it. Cut her a break... drop the porn for a while... See if it helps any. You really are a big part of the problem/fight and you don't realize it.

If you truly want advice, quit doing things that really hurt your wife. You have control of the problem, but want to have your cake and eat it too. You can either keep porn in your life the way you are doing it, and have a miserable wife or you can get rid of the porn and have a happy wife. The decision is up to you. Porn is still generally a vice... especially if you're married, and it's causing any type of problem at all. Just because everyone's doing it doesn't necessarily make it right.

Never mind right/wrong. It's a problem for your wife. YOUR wife. YOUR life. I don't know if it's a problem for you or not. How damaged would you become if you ash-canned it for a while? Would that be such a sacrifice?

Real life. Real people. Consider it.

I feel sorry for you.

You are confused if you think porn is necessary. Food and water are necessary.

I repeat what's said prior, not all men do porn.

Learn how to actually love your wife - you will be the happiest man you have ever been.

I dare you to do without porn. If your wife didn't care, this conversation would be different - but she's hurting, and you're calling her crazy - that's manipulative and abusive. You'll never be happy that way -

Again, learn to love your wife - ask her questions about how porn makes her feel, and don't interrupt, don't justify, just listen.

Or, if you'd rather, go turn on the computer and let it return the favor. How fulfilling.

My husband likes porn and mags as well (or liked) he however does not look at porn on the computer (maybe because it is my computer, but he has said some things about the computer porn sites that some of his friends have looked at and it is not a favorable reaction)
I have to admit early in our marriage it was a bone of contention between us, I was very jealous of him and what he was looking at, I even cut a magazine up (that did not belong to him, *chortle*) and I pulled out the tape from the VHS he brought home (again... it was not his) but my thinking was he brought it in my house, his friends should not of risked my wrath as they knew all about it. especially since the tape was brought into my home when I was 8 months pregnant.
He loves me will do anything I ask sexually (and then some) but I still just could not stand the idea of him looking at that stuff.
For some reason once the children came (and I was 50lbs heavier) it didn't bother me anymore, maybe I matured some. he has never once turned me away when I was feeling amorous, tells me all the time how much he loves me, and yes we have even watched them togather. Don't ask me why but he stopped getting videos and has let his subscription lapse on his mags, and even took all of them down to the dumpster and trashed them (making sure to get them on the bottom with trash on top so someone else couldn't dig them out, mainly kids) I was upset over the mags, they were all in great condition and some were special editions, I asked him if he was sure he wanted to do it and he said he was.
I don't know what made him do all of that, I never said anything, seemed like when I was the most mad and bothered by them it made him want to have them but once I didn't care a whit the desire to have that stuff died out.
I know what she is feeling believe me but really, if you do love her spare her the pain and get rid of all of it (if you hide it, unless you put it in a safety deposit box she is just going to find it, us women are good at finding things)
Is it that much to ask????

I think to a certain degree most men look at porn...but what has been described here sounds a bit excessive.So I'm wondering if his wife really is that far off the mark by accusing him of being addicted?

I wouldnt be as upset as your wife if my husband wanted to look every now and then,but if I was exposed to it every month while getting the mail,and he had dvds,and I found it on his computer to,then I'd start to feel bad as well.

The fact that you wont watch them with her either says alot.So what if she makes comments? So sorry it ruins the perfect fantasy for you.
Personally I disagree with sweeby,as I do not find porn stars attractive.They may be eighteen,but most look waaay older due to their lifestyle.I also dont see what is attractive in having what hundreds of other men have already had...but that is just my opinion.

I think you should be greatful you have a real woman to be intimate with.Most of the men I know only use porn as a SUBSITUTE for not having a woman.You have one and take her for granted because you're obsessed with instant self gratification.Real mature.
And as far as all the hurtful things she said.Unless you elaborate we cant give an opinion or offer advice.

If my husband was into porn I would have no qualms about expressing my interest in other men. You wife should stop worrying about you and check out all the amazing man meat around her. You're not going to change and she really should. I can't imagine being devoted to a man like that. People that constantly window shop are going to buy something sooner or later. She should just consider this an open marriage.

Actually Plasticgarden, I do not consider porn stars attractive either -- for the same reasons as you. But you've got to admit they've got great-looking bodies and most often, a reasonably pretty face. But the sleaziness factor makes them 'icky' in my mind, and fortunately, also in Dear Hubbie's.

DH's son has a close friend whose wife is an exotic dancer and lingerie (sp?) model. If you didn't know anything about her and met her at a social event where she was modestly dressed and conservatively made-up (both unlikely), you'd think she was absolutely beautiful -- but neither DH or I, or even StepSon can quite get past the 'slut factor.' It permeates...

I do need to clarify, I know she hates it so I don't want to make her watch it with me. What happened is she got tired of finding my DVD's I borrowed from friends, but haven't watched, or calls about rentals my friends used and didn't turn in on time. I have in the past lied about porn on the computer, but have tried to not lie now. A while ago she said she was tired of just finding the stuff hidden around. She set me up with a subscription and said after all our years of marriage I haven't stoped yet, even if it upset her. I never would and she would rather not have it hidden or where the kids can find it. I agree and didn't think of it like that before. I also decided to stop watching it. She would turn it on for me and I never would start the dvd. But I found an actress I didn't recognize one morning and decided to look up her page online. After my wife found it I explained that I started to look at it and changed my mind because I didn't want to upset her. She didn't believe me and said that it was getting bad because I was looking them up by name. She assumed that I had a thing for this college girl. This started my wife on a rampage that she couldn't believe I would want that with teens in our home. but that really offended me, then she called me a cheater, said I was sick for sharing dvd's accused me of masturbating along with my friends (I don't masturbate to porn ever and don't watch with friends) and she also told me that I was using her (my wife) as a blow up doll, I belonged on Jerry springer, and told me how much she hated me, she said I was a twisted pervert, and wanted a divorce. What was worse is I know the kids and neiboors heard her. I know she was drunk and mad but I have never seen her just attack and insult me like this. She has since appologized, but I am deeply hurt. Like I said she said I was an addict becauseI look at men's magazines have some porn and her main concern was me wanting one of the girls in paticuluar. She said that was most offensive, because it was as if I was comparing her to this young 21 (b. olson) year old specifically, rather than just watching any old porn star. Like I said I was just curious and only looked at the first page of the site, I didn't enter the site. I shouldn't have went to the site, I know this, I just want to know how to get over the things she said, and get her some help for all that pent up anger. she will not get rid of the porn subscription because she says she's not going to deal with me hidding it anymore, she wants to take the fun out of the sneakyness (her words) I know she feels bad and has said so manytimes about exploding at me. I just can't seem to shake seeing her like that. I love her I just don't know if I can ever forget or forgive her actions. I didn't even do anything wrong this time.

also, she isn't a drunk, but rather was drinking too much this night. I guess this had been brewing for most of the week in her head that I wanted this girl, and instead of listening to me. If she would have only trusted me this wouldn't have happened.

so she is the one who needs help and and is crazy but you are the innocent one. lol

She might be overly reacting but it has been going on obviously for years and she kept suffering for years even if she did not show it. No wonder it all came out at once. Unless you stop torturing her with your porn addiction she will continue suffering. As asolo said: you are being an idiot, pay attention to your wife. These people on a a screen are not real, they are paid to have sex. She is real and her pain is real.

I do pay attention to her, except for now after how she acted ( I just don't feel like talking to her right now want to cool down) I always tell her she is sexy and we do have sex at least 3 to 4 times a week. But thats another issue, she won't have sex with the light on or with her shirt off now. she doesn't want me to see her now that she has put on weight. Also, after nursing our youngest it has made her breast pretty saggy. I don't actually care and tell her they are fine (there was one time years ago, I was drinking too and told her they where nice but not the best I've seen, this only happened once and I think I was just saying what she was hinting at) but she does.

Wake up, my friend. You are causing real pain for no good reason.

Do what you want. It's not my marriage. If it was, I'd fix this...by changing my behavior.

"Yeah, honey, you've got nice enough boobs but I've seen better." I can hardly believe any husband with a brain in his head, drunk or sober, would say such a thing to his wife. I suspect there's more going on that what you've disclosed here.

I know it was bad, and I feel really bad for saying it. she used to be so much more willing to do things I guess maybe I need help getting my old wife back, she used to be such a hot wild thing. Porn didn't bug her till one day my ex brother in law was showing me a playboy centerfold and verbally praising her "rack" while showing me, I just was polietly standing there (inlaws!) She had even went with me to a topless bar (she had never been before and wanted to see what all the hype was about) as soon as she gain weight she got really conciencous about other women. We had our problems and I did have an affair once. (many years ago) I told her about it and it only lasted for a week. The porn isn't going away because she won't let it, its like she wants to rub it in my face.

I have made my mistakes, and I do believe in our marriage, I have a great family and a great wife. I guess I want to help both of us get to treating each other better.

You can't change her. You can only change you and hope she sees and responds.

For issues that seem to be as clearly defined as this particular one, I would start with a simple open statement. "Honey, I've been this way but I don't think that's a good way for me to be so from now on I'm being another way." None of this tit-for-tat conversation. Just own yours, announce your intended action and make good on it. Her thoughts and response must be her own but I'll bet she'll follow your lead.

"she also told me that I was using her (my wife) as a blow up doll"

Re-read this statement and try to understand what she's saying.

"using her as a blow up doll"

Read it and think about it and read it and think about it and read it and think about it until you get it through your thick skull.

"using her as a blow up doll"

Don't think about why it's not true because to her, it IS true.
She's summed up how she's feeling in one perfect little phrase and if you're wise, you'll listen very carefully to those words and take them seriously.
Because if you don't, it could spell the end of your marriage.

I am a reasonably good looking woman in a good shape, I look much younger than my age. And I have a healthy self-esteem when it comes to my looks, but if my boyfriend, or a husband, would get sexually excited looking at other women on a regular basis not once or twice a year, i would be devastated, and really hurt.

You are saying that porn did not bug her, yes it did, she just did not tell. And if something does not bug a person once, does not mean it would stay this way. It hurts her now and continuing on this path is just mean.

She used to be willing to do much more in bed? Duhh Well i am suprised she wants to do anything with you sexually after what you have described here. Keep watching porn and see if she ever wants to take her clothes off in front of you.

"....teens in our home. "

Didn't see that earlier. Separate issue. Huge issue, IMHO. Between wife and kids, I'd say it's time for a husband/father makeover. Serious introspection time.

Your affair that only lasted a week - how was that resolved between you? Did she regain full trust in you, and if so, what did you do to make that happen?

No wonder she feels like ogday itshay. You've done more to make her see herself as unattractive and disgusting than any loving mature husband would. All because of you, you, you and your needs, your rights, etc. Let me guess, you're generation X.

This is fixable, you know.

gammatech...just curious, do you ever fantasize that you are with someone from one of the porn videos/magazines etc. to get turned on, when you are with your wife? When you close your eyes, are you trying to picture someone else, to get in the mood?

So wait... she finally had the bal*s to tell you the truth and you just didn't like hearing it.... so you're mad at HER????????? Alrightly then.

And if you're not using porn for mastubation but still using it behind her back, what exactly are you using it for? Are you unsure of your sexuality or have ED issues or something? Just not buying what you're selling.

If you want your wife back...bend over backwards doing everything your wife wants the ways she wants it until she can get over your affair and trust you again. You still owe her way more than she owes you... so she was yelling in front of neighbors, you cheated on her. Really! Get over yourself.

Can you really not see all the reasons for your wife's self esteem issues?

1) you told her you've seen better breasts (she nursed your child!! and seriously, don't think she will ever forget about that comment)
2) You took her to a topless bar to look at breasts that probably look better than hers
3) She saw you and your ex BIL looking at breasts in a magazine and gawking over them.
4) she's gained some weight
5) and ummm...you cheated on her (oh, "but it only lasted for a week")

I was first going to defend you on this post until I read all your follow up responses. I was thinking, "eh, what's a little porn?", but this has nothing to do with porn really. It actually sounds like she was trying to be pretty cool about the whole porn thing but you have really blown it big time. A woman with poor self esteem is not going to be a sex kitten in bed. She won't even take her shirt off for goodness sake! You know that it's because of the breast comment, right? Because it IS. Your wife sounds like she was already a little self conscious about her body and then you rub it in repeatedly with the comments, cheating and then the porn. I don't think you neccesarily did all these things on purpose but you did, and now you are dealing with the consequences. You did all that to her, but now don't know if you can forgive HER for getting drunk and going off on you?

Your issue with your wife is not really about porn, it's about making comments and doing things (like cheating) that made her feel bad about herself and then adding the porn on top of it just added insult to injury. You guys probably should get into some counseling and you should work really, really hard to make sure your wife knows that you think she is the most beautiful woman on earth.

ps....even if a woman is baiting you to say something bad about them, especially their body (the ol' "do I look fat in this"), don't EVER answer with anything but "you look great".

Exactly what Jennmoneky said...
And this post should be called Stupid husband instead of crazy wife.
Any guy who says his wife's breasts "could be better" is a moron. If my husband ever said that to me,I can guarentee he would have never touched them again! Doesnt sound like you are considering she doesnt want to take her shirt off.

I also agree with sweeby that she feels like you are using her as a blow up doll. Just concerned with getting your rocks off and not about making her feel loved and special.

(And sweeby,I agree some have nice bodies,but not the ones that have bad boob jobs.I do think most look older for their ages even if they are pretty in some way)

Stop treating your wife like "One of the guys" and start respecting her for more then her body and you wont be in this position!

Sorry if it sounds rude,but everything your wife said to you,it sounds like you had it coming.

Okay, let's see here..pornhound husband, had affair, drunk wife, screaming session...teens in the house with porn and guy mags coming in the mail, uh-huh, real classy couple. Did we see you on Married With Children??

Grow up and put away these childish things. If you were 20 I could understand, but you are not. You are a father and a husband, act like one.

gammatech, I posted a question to you above on Tues. Dec. 4th, and wondered if you saw it, and if you would answer it. Anyone viewing porn on a regular basis is free to answer the same question.

Thanks guys, I have decided to stop the porn, and we are both going into counceling ASAP. Once I cooled down from our fight I started to see things better. I know that although it seems silly to me its just porn. but she also told me that if I don't stop she will start ordering "women's magazines" and pick porn with the best looking men and most endowed, and see how I like it. Just a heads up ladies, if you have the same problem, just polietly coment on the men, ex: wow that thing must be fake, never seen one so.... or something about his abs! I really did not want to see her excited over those guys. of course I'm never going to admit that! Anyway we are off to dinner and a movie tonight, I have to say she looked almost relieved when I told her I get it. Thank you, and good luck Oh yes, the magazines and they where not full nudes, only maxim which she said is fine as it is a man's cosmo to her.

I am still hoping that you will answer my question posted on Tues. Dec. 4th.

You both sound terribly immature to me. For your childrens' sakes, I hope you both get straightened out.

I for one am glad this seems to be moving to a direction of "us" instead of "me" - Still though, justifications justifications. "Just Maxim, not full nudes." That's not the point, buddy. The sooner you figure this out, the happier you will be.

Delineating between what is porn and what isn't will not make you anyone's hero. Find out what hurts her, and stay away from that fine line - don't keep trying to push boundaries there. That's the childish stuff mr.asolo refers to, as is the 'you hurt me i'm going to hurt you' and 'well my friends are all doing it' - playground fodder.

Congratulations on pulling your head outcha bum. It may be the beginning of a good thing.

I am glad you guys are working on it together now.

Sorry if we were harsh on you Gamm...
Sounds like you are moving in the right direction.

And although your wife saying she will start looking at men may be childish,at least it got you thinking about how it feels with the shoe on the other foot.
Male or female,no one wants to think they arent the only one that gets their spouses turned on.
I hope you guys can work it out in your marriage,counseling sounds like a great idea.

Oh, now, come on... maybe he really is just getting Maxim for the articles. ;-)

ha! Good one carla LOL...

wow....I am going through the same issue w/ my husband. I am 22, and without sounding conceited, I am attractive. The point in me saying that is...even beautiful women feel intimiated by other women. My husband and I have had an ongoing battle about him watching porn for 3years now. Enough to the point where I left him for some time. I finally got fed up with all the lies and the hiding and sneaking. Worrying everytime I left the house what he was watching. If you are willing to risk your marriage, and your wifes happiness for 10minutes of fun...maybe you should re-think your marriage. If it isn't that BIG of a deal, and you're not addicted...then why can't you give it up? I promise you, she will never be ok with this. She won't trust you and she is snooping. Although she may act as if she is going along with what you are doing...It is crushing her inside...It makes her feel ugly, worthless, like less of a woman, like shes being cheated...How would you like to feel that way? Even though it may seem so small to you, its obviously very important to her, take that into consideration the next time you feel like "walking the dog".

i hope this thread dies. We all know he's in denial.