I don't know what to advise you about the relationship with your husband, only you can do that. I think you need to give up the leadership thing and any other activity you can. You are bogged down with it all and there will be less stress for all concerned.

The key to a clean home is to keep it clean, that means putting away things when you are finished with it. Teach your children the same thing, help them the first time, work with them. Be sure their shoes, toys are picked up before they go to bed. Show them places to put their dirty clothes, wet towels, their books coats, etc.. Have them make the the beds in the summer. If their room is a mess when they leave for school, make them come straight home from school and do it then. You would be surprised how soon it will become a habit with them.

One other thing, will an online graduation diploma be acceptable to a company that pays good money? Call a few companies and ask if that diploma would get you a job with them. If you love your husband and your kids you may want to rethink that.

As far as cleaning you large home with only one child there. That is a doable. I took care of two toddlers, cleaned, cooked, mowed the lawn, did laundry and ironed and many other things and could still play cards with the neighbors all afternoon.

EmmaR, did you have a child with severe special needs?

Kadibug, I have no advice for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was a SAHM for many years, doing almost all the cooking, cleaning, yard work, bill paying and paperwork, running all the errands and doing volunteer work at school. I was very, very busy. I can't imagine having a child with severe special needs on top of that. And going to school. You have a lot on your plate.

If I were in your shoes, I would drop the volunteer job and make sure I got the education/job training to be able to get a good job if I needed it in the future.

I understand that you are the only person who will do the volunteer job. However, your biological children will be depending on you if you should need to leave the marriage. Don't overlook the important to deal with the urgent.

It would be best if you and your husband got counseling, but if he won't go, perhaps you should go yourself if you can afford it. It would help you get some perspective.

You know yourself whether or not you work hard every day. A mother of 5 kids, one with severe special needs, who cooks full meals every day, does all the housework, yardwork, paperwork, runs all the errands and goes to school, handles all the kids' activities and helps with homework, etc., is a busy woman. Don't let anyone mess with your head and tell you that you don't work hard if, in fact, you do work hard.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. I am so sorry you are in this position.

Your husband is soooo wrong. Being a sahm is a job and then some. It is the most important job there is. You are raising 5 children and making a good home for them without the help of your husband at times when he is away. Don't let him belittle you in any way, shape, or form. Seeing as how you are with the children more then he, you know them better. Do what you think is right when it comes to educating and discipline. His anger issue may cloud his judgement. He definitely needs counseling for that issue. Is there an agency in the Army that could help with his anger? Do you think it may be PTSD? Or was he like this always. I am concerned that he may turn his anger on you or the children. You say he throws things, punches walls, etc., He has already been belittling you and blowing off your ideas and wants. I would be starting to put aside some emergency money if it gets to the point where you need to leave. Keep up with the schooling. Drop the FRG leader position. They will just have to do without you. You have too much on your plate right now.
If it were me I would be getting all my ducks in a row to leave this person. He won't seek counseling for his anger, doesn't care what you think or want, belittles you. That is not the type of marriage I would stay in. NancyLouise

NO I have not and I do know they require a lot of time, but the poster said the 4 are in school and only a toddler at home. I know parents that have a special need child and they find places the child can go during the day, that gives the mom a break. When the parents are too old to care for the child or die the child will have to go to a home for children like the child. By having a child in a place that works with them will help with that transition. I know one couple who had a special need son and the father did most of his care when he was home. When he died the mother could not handle a full grown man if he said no to her. She had to put him in a home. It broke her heart but he could have seriously hurt her.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Fri, Nov 8, 13 at 10:13

I don't know what kind of special needs child this poster has. But I volunteered to work with special needs children in public school and I saw how much extra time some of the special needs students must have needed from their parents.

The special needs children I volunteered with could not wait at the driveway or a bus stop for the school bus. Someone had to wait there with them. They had to be fed, dressed, changed, bathed, propped up, massaged, cleaned up after every meal and snack. The teachers at school only handle lunch, not breakfast and dinner. Just their doctors' and therapists' appointments, keeping track of their medicines and therapies alone was time consuming. Some of the therapies had to be done at home by the parents every day.

Running any kind of errand or taking other children to activities would have to be twice as hard for the parents of the children I volunteered with. Juggling a toddler and a child with special needs, along with 3 other kids after school hours would be a big task.

When I was a SAHM, I had at best 5 and a half hours without my kids when they were in the same school. That may sound like a lot, but if the original poster has a special needs child, during those hours she probably has to get all her cleaning, cooking, errands run, yard work, paperwork, doctor, dentist, hair appointments done, all scheduling for her kids, if she has any kind of project like painting done, any teacher conferences. Plus get her schoolwork done.

If her husband doesn't help her, she probably has all kinds of things she has to do, like get on the roof and clean the gutters, pressure wash the house, get on ladders and clean the windows, assemble shelving, go get the maintenance on her car, etc.

It's quite possible in my opinion that the original poster is working as hard as she can.

First off I would like to tell you about my special needs son. He is 8 years old and weighs 75 lbs. He is wheelchair bound, G-Tube fed, blind, no voluntary movement, suffers respiratory issues, seizures, scoliosis, puberty and so on. I hurt my shoulder lifting him a couple of weeks back and it took two weeks for the pain to go away.He is on oxygen, has a suction machine, nebulizer, hospital bed, bathing system and all kinds of equipment so we can care for him. It is not easy to find places to send your child with special needs. We have military insurance and they deny ambulance transport. He has nurses that care for him at school and ride the bus home with him, because of how severe his case is. After all this, my husband has to call me to ask how to hook up something. At this very moment, our son is in the hospital for pneumonia. Pneumonia is what takes lives in these children. I enjoy doing the FRG position only because it is my only means of adult conversation and meeting friends. I do mow the grass, haul off trash, assembly shelves, move furniture around, use electric tools. I am like Mom and Dad times 10 in one!!!

I don't want to be separated, and we have tried counseling. All the counselors tell us what we already know. It seems to be a waste of time. I think having a unbiased opinion for myself is a good idea.

Thanks for the comments!!

Nancylouise,

The Army offers so many programs. The soldier has to be willing to utilize them. One utilized, they are not always anonymous. It can hinder their career. My husband had a horrible childhood. He has also seen and done things a person should not have to do while deployed. I have heard the stories to an extent and it is gruesome. I have been putting money aside. I also have a sister that has offered her help. She lives 2200 miles away from me though.

Daisyinga,

Thanks! Because it is and will always be overwhelming:) It takes me 20 mins to get in and out of the vehicle with everyone! Not to mention the bruises I acquire along the way from all the lifting.

Kadibug, thanks so much for coming back to post and educate us on what it's like caring for your child. I wish you lived nearby so I could encourage you in person. Instead I'll reach across the internet and tell you that I'm applauding you for all the things you manage to do every day. I hope you can find a solution that works for you and your children. Cyber hugs to you!

Kadibug, thank you for coming back to post. Glad to read you are making preparations just in case, and have a family member willing to support you...no matter how far away they are. Take care and best of luck to you. NancyLouise

Kd you are a wonderful woman! You need to be heard. And you need support. Saying a sahm is or isnt a job is just semantics....you need support. Teach your children young, today, how to do laundry. Its a good start.
Seek counseling off base, someone who takes military insurance.