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justine_grower

i don't know what's wrong with me, him,our marriage

16 years ago

I am married for 10 years, have one child of 9 years.My husband looks like a model husband from the outside or at least to most people I know. But I always had felt very lonely being with him, angry and taken advantage of for the reasons I can't pinpoint.Don't know why but I can't fully trust him. He had the same issue in previous relationships, with his mother and some friends. He hates that nobody is able to trust him. He also denies to be emotionally rigid (I think he is).He is kind of always objective, just like as if instead of heart he's got a little lawyer inside. If I complain about the way I feel he always consider if that argument is viable or plausible, or weather that would make him guilty by law(in court I guess)?!

If I feel bad he says: don't feel like that, get over it. Last 4 years I am on antidepressants, so if we've got a quarrel he says or that I shouldn't feel like that, that is a wrong feeling, or that I should just take an extra anti-depressant. Well, that's offensive.

He is a very good father though. We are totally crazy about our daughter, she is a reason number one why I haven't divorced him yet.

On the other hand he is financially scrappy and doesn't want to think about any plans for the future. I think that he is a real egoist, nothing matters but him and his beloved job. I wanted to set up some funds for our daughter; first he didn't wanted it- like we need that money! and afterwards when I took the action to open an account he ended up paying the minimum of 11 euro's a month.

We don't own a house yet although we are in our forties. He doesn't feel like paying mortgage and doesn't want a credit from the bank. His rationale is that one day houses will get a lot cheaper! It seems his talent for self-deception is his greatest weapon. He just convinces himself to believe in anything that would suit him.

If I ask any of these questions like shall we do this or that, when shall we decide about those important thing he becomes very offensive and aggressive,and if I persist he shuts up and leaves.

I blackmailed him that if in one year from now we don't buy a house I'll divorce him. We had a huge fight and he said he'll do everything to keep me, so that meant to me- he'll do it. But he finds his way how to evade the subject again, so I see that he already decided not to bother until perhaps, our next fight.

I just cannot fight anymore I feel so stressed about those issues and so insecure that if you mention a house or fund for kids education I start crying immediately.I see other husbands, fathers who take care of their families in a lot better way and with a lot less money than what he earns. I don't have an explanation for why is he so careless and irresponsible.

One of the reasons why I didn't want to have another child with him is because he made me always feel insecure about what he wants from life and how committed he really is.

I never see him getting passionate or outspoken about anything in particular except his work and to a lesser extent our child.

In all this he resembles both of his parents who are terrible egoists, especially father who is on top emotionally as diverse as a robot.His mother suffers from the poverty complex, eats cans with food from the 1989 (redundant to say that she hasn't got any financial trouble at all)

I feel I must divorce him because I am fooling myself hoping that he will change someday. I feel I am wasting my time on this road to nowhere.He even once told me that I am this person easily manipulated like a donkey with carrot.

I feel ever more ready to divorce but my heart is broken when I think of our child.

I am desperate.

Do you people have any advice?

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