If she *really* wants to be a SAHM and be financially secure, maybe she should tell her SO what her desires are and find out how his compares.

I'd be prepared to move on. I am not a gold digger but being financially secure is important to me. I want to know I can afford to pay my mortgage and buy food.

I think she should keep her options open and tell him why. Co
mmunication is essential in a healthy relationship. My grand daughter was in the same position. She dated him for six years (while we watched the train wreck) He never did attempt any of the goals he spoke of and it finally ended with her graduation college and him still talking about what he wanted to do. She's moved on now and seems much happier.
In my day we told each other of our expectations of life but today the young ones seem to float on hope.

Thanks for the good advice, golddust. I should mention that he has ambitious "plans" for what he'd like his future to be....it's just that he doesn't seem to be in any big rush in pursuing those plans.....They have discussed this endlessly, so he knows where she is coming from.

Did you mean: should she break up with the not-so-ambitious guy OR (not and) just be happy she found someone who is genuinely a good and decent person?

Regardless of whether she wants to be a SAHM or not, I think she should first decide whether she will be happy with someone with so little ambition who conveniently forgets to do things that he is responsible for (in this case, signing up for classes). For myself, that lack of ambition and irresponsibility (if it carries over to other things) would be a deal breaker. I'm not saying that someone has to have huge goals and ambition, but what you've described is too flighty for me.

Forgetting to register on time is probably just an organization issue. That's no big deal. Procrastination is common, especially with things in which you aren't fond of and/or in which you have little interest. If that's the biggest problem, it seems small in the grand scheme of things unless there's other issues you haven't mentioned.

Sounds to me she's looking for a turnkey husband and is concerned that this one isn't Ward Cleaver yet. Relationships need to develop and if it works out it'll work out. He's going to college and clearly isn't prepared to support a wife and family by himself just yet. I'd advise not to rush into marriage but that certainly shouldn't limit the existence of a friendship and relationship. Go through college, experience some life and if all is well they can get married and start the family. If not, they go their separate ways without the hassles of divorce, separation and the like. Someone with whom you have common interests and who treats you well are not common.

BTW, people have a lot more ambition for things of interest to them. Your daughter sounds like one of them since he's so good to her.

Condemn him if you want for working a minimum wage job, but you have to give him credit for WORKING. Maybe, like your daughter, he has the only job he can find? Especially one that'll be compatible with college.

Maybe she needs to sit down and write out what she's looking to receive. Then write out what she has and is receiving. See how they compare.

I think she has a pretty good thing going. Kudos to them both for their independence and good luck to them both.

This was a big problem with me and the ex. He was fine with working at a minimum wage job just so he could stay around his family. This is after we agreed (or so I thought) that I would stay home and take care of the kids. You can't live on $5 an hour without being on food stamps. Not the way I wanted to live my life or raise my kids.

Some women can handle a non-working man, see it all the time where I work. Not sure what it is with nurses...but I have no respect for a man with no ambition at all. If she asked you the question, I have a feeling she may end up being fed up with him someday.

I think it's really unrealistic of any young woman today to plan to be a SAHM. It's just not going to happen for most of them in this economy and the current culture. It's MUCH easier for young women to land good jobs and to advance in their careers these days. It's next to impossible for a 20-something guy to even find work. My daughter is 28--very much like yours. She's got her own home, that she bought herself, has a decent job, is independent. I see among her friends that most of the women are the ones with the better (and consistant) jobs. The guys--even the ones WITH a college education can't find anything better than menial/construction work, and they are constantly losing their jobs while the women keep working and advancing in theirs. Until the laws change, and men are given a fair shake, any young woman had better set her heart on the fact that she's going to probably be the breadwinner in the family.

As to your dd's specific situation? I'm assuming the young man is around her age? He's still immature. If they're perfectly suited in every other way, I really think as he gains a few more years, he'll also gain maturity--our brains don't physically mature until our mid-20's, so if he's in that range, I think you'll probably see some real growth in his responsibility level in the next few years. Give him a chance. I'd rather see my dd with a guy who's perfect for her, who she loves (even if she had to support him) than with someone she didn't have as close a bond with, but who was a good paycheck. There's a word for women who pick money over love--you don't want it applied to your dd, I'm sure.

I don't think one "forgets" to register on time for something so very important if you have a goal in sight. Being a SAHM isn't very realistic either for the average middle-income family. You need to have a "safety net" and two people need to participate in order for that to happen. They need to talk before making any long-term commitments to each other.

This sounds a little 'cart before the horse', talking about motherhood now! There's nothing wrong with planning ahead, but her 'nesting instinct' seems to be kicking in prematurely. This young man certainly isn't ready for marriage, much less fatherhood. No man she's yet to meet is likely to be up for that immediately either.

Frankly, I don't see her future with this guy, however *nice* he is. Nice -- all by itself -- isn't enough. I disagree with cynic's take on the failure to register for classes. This isn't some HS kid who forgot to sign up for the class trip. He's old enough to have an MA and a good starting job; clearly HE doesn't see that future for himself.

Could be they've gone as far as they can go, together, unless she wants to be the worker-bee and HE is the SAHF.

It sounds as though they've been doing quite a bit of talking relative to their future hopes and plans.

Maybe were she to find another compatible man and spend some time with him ...

... it might lead this fellow to re-examine some of his goals and desires ... and what progress he's making toward developing them ...

... and maybe grow up a bit.

Sometimes the sight of an alternate friend makes some current suitors do some fairly heavy (and unaccustomed?) thinking.

Sometimes fellows get the idea that if he wants her ... he's going to have to work to achieve that desire.

If she wants to be a SAHM, even with a husband with a fairly high income (and do we see any current hint of that in this situation?) ... which is also fairly secure (ditto) ... I think that she'd better be content to live at a lower middle-class level (if she can manage that - and it seems to me that such would require them developing fairly substantial skills and determination at becoming pretty frugal).

It'd help a lot if one of 'em had a million dollars in the kitty, also ...

... that they were bound and determined to leave alone as capital, using only part of the after-tax income (as they'd need to add some of it to the original stash each year, just to keep their purchasing power intact with the annual income that it produces).

Don't see none o' that here, though - do you?

I hope that they each are able to work their way through this dilemma to a resolution that suits both ... but current and long-term. Something of a tall order? As Dad used to say - "Hard to put an old head on young shoulders".

ole joyful

A good indicator of someone's future is to take a look at their past. It sounds like this young man is not very motivated. I don't buy his excuse that he "forgot" to register for classes. It wasn't that important to him, otherwise he would have.

I applaud your daughter for questioning her future with him now, as opposed to figuring it out after marriage. I don't think anyone should settle. I wish them luck and hope that they can work this out.

Marriage is a business contract as much as it is a love contract. Talking about motherhood and economic desires and expectations now is certainly not premature and may be the reason divorce is so rampant these days. Many people become mothers by 24.

We talked about our ideas/hopes for a family on the first date with my DH. If we didn't share the same goals and ideals, why bother wasting time dating?

cynic, if I have learned anything, it is that one should never marry anyone for who we hope they will become. Marry them for who they are. No one can change anyone else. I think women get hooked into the rescuer/fix it role too many times. I doubt Ward Cleaver was ever a slacker.

It is just as easy to fall in love with a healthy man as it is to fall in love with a fixer-upper. The challenge is learning to tell the difference. It is my experience that people don't tend to chose people who are healthier than they are.

Golddust, celebrating 28 happy years this month with my DH.

Since she came to you for your opinion, she has already been analyzing this situation herself, and she has some doubt that he would fit into her plans for the future. If it were my DD I would advise her to alter her hopes and plans and follow her heart, or break off now and get on with that period of grief that will surely follow. I know as a concerned mother you will be there for her whatever her decision.

My DGF never held a public job and poofed away lots of time playing dominoes with his friends. DGM worked like a trojan to keep their family fed and clothed. They lived together over 70 years and they (at least she) seemed to be in love. Not the husband I would have put up with.

sign my name to Soxxx's post...most likely if she's asked you...she's having doubts...

my only piece of advice is if she's having these doubts now...it's probably not gonna change if she's thinkin he will then assure her he wont...While some men do get married and step up to the plate to be a good provider and husband...some do not and how he treats her now is probably a good indication of how he's gonna treat her the rest of their lives together...so if she's looking for someone to take care of her, he doesn't seem to be the right man for the job...Marriage wont make it better...but may make it worse cause she's gonna be expecting things and it may or may not happen...She needs to have a serious heart to heart with him...maybe it's just what he needs...a little shaking up that he could be losing her...

I wish her the best and keep us posted on how she's doing and what she decides!!

Momrox, it sounds like your daughter is on her way to becoming a SAHM right now -- to her boyfriend. He seems too needy and if she should become pregnant now, she'll have two to look after. I'm glad she's come to you for advice and I hope she realizes before it's too late that there are plenty of fish in the sea who would be wonderful friends and equally hard-working partners in the marriage. This lovely, charming man she's with is a boat anchor and knows how good he's got it with a 24-year-old girlfriend who's a hard worker and who owns her own home and supports herself (and probably him).

I don't think this is an issue that will work out in a relationship. It's not about her being a SAHM, it's about her feeling like he is keeping up his end of things- or at least wanting to. I agree with those who say "forgetting" to register for classes just doesn't happen to someone who wants to finish school. Especially when his job is part time, working too many hours can't be the excuse. It just wasn't important to him, even though he knows it's important to her. He does not want to be the kind of person she wants to be with.

When DH and I were college age and dating, he had flunked out of one college and was attending a community college to get an associates degree. I was in college to get a bachelors. I was all of 19 or 20, he is a couple years older than me. But I told him I would not stay with him if he wasn't going to get a 4-year degree, that he needed to enroll somewhere else and start over. My vision of my future life included a husband who finished college. His mom jokes that nothing she said changed his mind about school, but I only had to say that once and he was filling out the papers the next day. ;o) By the time I was 24, we both had our degrees, we were married and buying our first house, and I was a SAHM. We both recall that conversation years ago when I was direct with him. I would not have stayed with him if he had said he didn't want any further education and didn't pursue one. I would have been very disappointed in his lack of goals and plan to reach them. Me saying that at the time only pushed him to do what he wanted, he just needed to know it mattered to someone else, I think. Some people need to feel like they are doing something for someone else instead of for themself, keeps them accountable.

I agree with Soxxx and Liz_Ga, I suspect your daughter has already made a decision to leave him and she is looking to you to make sure you are going to be on her side about it.

As in, "it's okay for you to leave a perfectly, nice sweet man because he lacks ambition and you want to search for a life partner who is a go-getter so you can be a stay at home mom".

Ambition is not something that can be taught, people either have it or they don't. Some people are happier focusing less on work and more on fun. There are also people who have big dreams but never bring them to fruition because, although they have the creativity and imagination, they lack the drive necessary to make their dreams come true. It doesn't mean he's a bum, but it likely does mean he will not be able to support a lifestyle where your daughter will be able to fulfill her goal of being a SAHM.

What did she major/minor in? Is there no jobs in her field open that she likes? Could she go back and get additional training in a field she likes? I don't think think it is whether she should marry--whom--when, but finding a job she likes, whether it is near home or in another state. I am not being critical, just another outlook on the situation.

A little off topic but (as a fellow Californian) I would like to know how a recent college grad working as a waitress in Southern California manged to purchase a home?

Like others said it does sound like she's ready to let him go. On the other hand if she wants to be a SAHM she needs to put her own life on that track and not be dependent on some future DH to make it happen.

My own DD choose accounting for that very reason. She knew that someday she would want to be a SAHM and she knew that she could work from home in that field.

Ambition is not always the best thing either. There are plenty of women who marry ambitious guys and end up feeling lonely and neglected. Work ethic and family values is what I would be telling her to look for. Not only should be looking for the man who will be a good DH but consider what kind of father he will be.