Dear nsf798, You don't know me, soforgive me for putting in my two cents. I don't have the problem you are having, I've got two girls who are 9 and 7 and they are very good friends and though they have their struggles they play together very well. I will say that they have very different personalities and that though the elder gets/deserves many perks for her maturity the younger one is more forward and agressive and often gets what she wants by being so pushy. I really agreed with paigct's comment that enlisting your son to help your younger daughter is one way to handle this, but I also kind of agree with whoever posted that what appears to be a problem from your point of view might not be from the little sisters point of view. That being said, I want to recommend two fantastic books by Nancy Samalin (don't know her and am not connected to her). At least I think they are both by her but on reflection I think one isn't. The first one is How to talk so children will listen and how to listen so children will talk. I found taht really invalable (more so as my children got older) in helping me think through the dynamics of an interaction before I got started, and also in helping me think about modeling solutions rather than talking about problems. Another great book, and I'm sure this is by samalin, is "loving each one best" a book about siblings. And the last great book is called "raising the optimistic child" or "raising an optimistic child." This is a great book for working with children on problem solving rather than blaming. It makes a good read along with "how to talk..." I guess what I'm trying to say is that 1) your son sounds like he is having a burgeoning problem with kids his age; 2) he may or may not have a problem with his little sister but you certainly have one with the way he is treating her; 3) some of these problems could be addressed by working with him on common courtesy. I have had the intersting experience of driving someone else's kids to summer camp for a week. What amazed me is that things that seemed to come naturally to my daughters simply had never even occured to the two little girls I'm now driving. Sharing a snack? forget it. Both of them stuffed their mouths for the entire drive without ever offering my girls a taste--even as my daughters instantly and courteously offered their snacks for sharing. Saying hello and goodbye to us in the morning and afternoon? forget it, it simply never occured to them. Thanking me for driving? apparently that was also inconceivable. The difference in age between me and these girls is considerable (some 40 years) but I'm as courteous to them as I would be to another adult. Which is by way of saying that I think the excuse that your son is 4 years older than his sister so he naturally gets to boss her around is, well, not right. You want him to have good manners whatever the age or station of the person he's with. Perhaps helping him see that close relations (whether family or friend) don't excuse bad behavior is the way to go. just my two cents abfab

chisue, we paid for all expenses not covered by academic scholarships. Until last winter, dd was somehow under the impression that her scholarships had paid for nearly everything, and so felt that she'd "earned" her way through college. She forgot we paid for textbooks, supplies, food, allowance, & housing costs as well as approx. 20% of tuition not covered by scholarships. We gave dd $10K when she turned 21, that she's invested, and have promised ds the same on his 21st. Over the years, we've also hired them for various jobs in order to fund about $10K into each one's IRA. For graduation, we've promised $10K to each. Dh will also sign over the titles to the cars they've been driving. It all sounds a bit much when I count it up. We're not wealthy, but we have been very frugal and dh deferred a lot of his compensation until the last couple of years. We haven't taken an overseas trip since our belated honeymoon, but we did just pay for one for our kids (their other graduation gift.) I drive an older and somewhat battered minivan, which dh has been bugging me to replace, but I've been waiting until the kids are out of college. Dh and I really struggled when we first married. Between uninsured major medical expenses, theft of vehicles, and other unexpected events, we nearly went bankrupt but managed to survive (barely.) My parents were very well off but never offered us any help, even though they frequently helped my older siblings (one of whom continues to count on their help today.) I'll probably be in my mid-50s when I inherit, and the money really won't mean much then. A tiny fraction of what I will receive would have made a world of difference back when we were skipping meals to pay the bills. Unfortunately, I think we've overdone giving to our own children. I was a strict mom when it came to their behavior, manners, academics, etc., but dh was usually a pushover about everything. They are honors scholars and have great careers ahead of them. We just need to get past this issue about selling that house. Dh & I also need to get over the mistake we made in buying our current too-large house. Dd was unhappy to hear that we intend to downsize within four yrs., yet at the same time she made it clear that she does not want to live with us. I'm fine with both kids living on their own next year, but it's a bit much to take when she says that she wants to live in our other house but not with us. Should dh end up "retiring early" we'd planned to move there. OP - so sorry to take over your thread. However, reading it has been a good lesson for me. I needed some fortification to withstand the boatload of tearful self-pity and dreadful imaginings from dd about how she will get mugged/shot/lose her job, etc. if we "kick" her out next year and she has to move into an apartment. I never thought that announcing the prospective sale of a house could be so emotional. This has also been a good reminder that acting out of guilt isn't good for anyone concerned.

Yep sounds like a plan :-) We've had similar experiences with my (now) SD12 and SD14. It's exactly what Mattie says: SS knows it pleases BM if he has a bad time at your place. BM has done the same thing to my skids. By saying: "Are you ok babie?" in a worried voice and hugging the kids excessively they pick BM's anxiety up. "Something must be wrong, my mummy is so upset to leave me here". It doesn't take long to work out what the desired response is. And then there's the reward afterwards which seals the deal. SS's loyalty will be with BM simply because he lives with her and she's his main caretaker. It might make you feel better knowing that it's a normal and healthy response for SS. When I realised how it works I felt a lot better, knowing it's not personal. Because it's not. All you have to do is be supportive of SS when he's with you. I would stick to the court ordered time, as suggested by the other poster. And when he needs to call BM, or when she rings him and he feels bad after, have a chat to him. You can say "I understand you love your mum very much and it's ok to miss her. I'm sure your mom knows how much you love her, but we are happy to have you here too. I know how hard it can be, most of us do. Our BM does very similar things. She'll drop the kids off and keep them in the car in our driveway for a minimum of half an hour. Just to bring the 'goodbyes' and 'love you's' and 'miss you already!' to a hysterical level. Once that's achieved they can come into our house. Pfff. And (on a bad day) she'll call them 2 mins later while she's driving back, just to check if they're ok.. Again, pfff. You did say SS gets over the crying pretty quickly after he gets off the phone, so all is not lost! If you can comfort him and distract him a bit after then my guess is you'll be fine. Another thing I've learned is not to try and 'save' the skids anymore. My skids can do as they please at BM's, eat what they want, go to bed when they want, stay home from school, watch movies all day etc etc. At our place there are different rules, we eat meals together, they can't just grab what they want, when they want. We have a set bedtime and we don't rent 10 movies a week. But, it's unreasonable to expect the kids to totally change when they're with us. They are used to hanging in front of the tv, they don't play outside much. If this is what BM lets them do, we can't change that. Of course it's not great, but I can't save them from it either in the short time they're with us, you know what I mean? So we have to compromise. You could have a talk to SS, include him in the decision making. He'll feel more in control and less victimised. Also, he's more likely to accept the rules if he feels included in the process. For example tell him that you realise it must be hard for him to come to your place where there's different ways of doing things. And that you understand he sometimes wants to go back to moms because of it. Then tell him that you want to help him with this because you want everybody to be happy. Yyou could ask him to think about what he finds most difficult ("Do you miss your X-box, your friends, your favorite food/mums cooking etc"). Encourage SS to share what goes on inside him (hopefully he will). Then it's time to comprimise. For example you can tell him that the set bedtime is not negotiable, but maybe you can rent him some dvd's and he can watch one a day in the holidays. Or an extra hour of tv to what you'd normally do. Ask him for his favorite meal and if that is McDonalds maybe have it one day in the holidays, for lunch or dinner. Take a little and give a little. Good luck to you!

I'm glad he didn't lose a finger. I'm hurting just reading this. I hope those meds don't give him a problem with his addictive personality since he's been doing so well. You might want to save a couple of those pills for when the bill comes.