Oh, Scarlett, this sounds awful. Bless you. Does he have no interests now? Nothing with which to create new stories and memories?

How long have you been married?

I don't believe that it's "normal" to dwell so much on things from years ago. But it is his personality, it seems. Does he not see it himself? I applaud you for trying - I would already be pulling my hair out. Or his!

Would you consider sitting down with him, telling him that you need to be serious for a moment (all cell phones turned off), and explain that this constant saying things over and over and over, and talking about the past, is simply making you turn away from him? That it's having a negative impact on your ability to enjoy life with him, and ask him if he's willing to work on it?

I don't mean threaten divorce, but simply and explicitly tell him that it is making your union a frustrating and unhappy one?

Done and done, no results. His other 2 interests are golf and automotive stuff, neither of which I can relate to. That's his world.

It sounds like you're due for a little dustin' up in your marriage! Take the bull by the horns and book a room for the two of you someplace you've never been before, but don't tell him you're doing it. Then pick him up at work on the appointed day, stick a blindfold on him, and whisk him off with only a couple of toothbrushes and a change of underwear in a paper bag. If that's not possible, do something on a smaller scale, but do something or you'll be back posting next year about your affair/separation/despair.

Calisha46, I love it!

(Not the idea of whisking him off some place, I love the separation/divorce idea.) ; )

Scarlett, have you tried saying the story along with him? Sometimes that makes my DH laugh, and he stops. Do you think your DH is having problems remembering current stuff? My heart goes out to you. Maybe if you pulled out your cellphone and started surfing the web or sending texts every time he does it? (So that he loses his "audience?") Does he have any friends? If so, does he do this with them? Have you tried marriage counseling?

If you can afford to leave, and you don't love him any more, then yes, leave. Life is too short to be ignored.

No, I'm not leaving, that's a given. There are certain situation where you must leave and situations where you stay and work with it. Within reason, of course.

I will try those things you suggested, though. I'm hoping I can just break this repetition track and direct him elsewhere. Does your DH do this too?

Well, my DH does not do this.

But a lot of people around me do that.

How old is your DH ? Sounds like an age related issue, to me.

I am sorry things are not too good for you Scarlett.

My husband does the exact same thing. He's only 53, so I don't think it's an age thing. He's had some horrible things happen in the last 10 years with regard to family, kids, etc. so I think he reverts back to a better time, good memories, etc. even with the previous women in his life. And many times, he looks at those relationships and compares them to what he has now and comments how he finally "found the right one" so I can't say I mind too much. I think you need to do what you mentioned, try to direct him elsewhere if it gets to be too much. Some of my husband's stories I've heard a zillion times too and honestly I'll just tell him "are you going to tell that story again?" and then we just laugh. Or I'll do what someone else said and start telling the story with him. I think we have to be understanding though. I don't know your husband's history but mine has a lot of pain and I think he overcomes it by reliving some of the better times in his past and sometimes that means retelling a story several times.

Thanks Karen, for that insight into behavior.

I guess I thought it was age related, because my mother did the same thing - she was in her 70's. This was 15 years ago, so I was a lot younger then and I just thought that is what you did when you were old !

You seem to be handling your DH well, you are very kind and understanding.

Back to the OP.... OK, so you don't want to hear his stories repeated, then what about starting (or changing to) another topic. Something in the news. Something that affects your family. Something that you like.

Your entire complaint makes it sounds like you're just sitting there like a mannikin and just taking it.

Conversation goes two ways.

What do YOU have to say?

Good Point! I'm not much of a talker, actually.

(Sometimes I tell him about things I read on this very forum.)

We both have kids from a previous marriage, but they are on their own, (no grandkids yet) no big money issues, no in-laws, so that covers most of the major areas of conflict for most couples.

We have just developed different interests. I don't think about the past too much at all, and he really does.

And thanks, everybody, for your input. It is truly helpful.

I think when you become empty nesters, it's important to develop some common interests. Why don't you join him in golf or come up with another hobby/sport to do together? I found that gives me and my husband other things to talk about besides kids/grandkids and all the drama, or the old stories :) Good luck!

You know, I have spent so many years pretending to have fun at the boat races, the stock car races, shouting myself hoarse at football games when I really have no idea what the heck they are doing. One night at the sprint car races, a big shower of mud spewed up from the track, covering me and I sort of woke up and said, "I have no interest in sports. What am I doing being so phony?"

Now DH and his pals get completely fanatical about golf and for the life of me, I can't get enthused at all about whether a ball goes over a goal post or into a little hole or whatever.

I enjoy going to plays, movies, museums, sightseeing, historical stuff, current events, music, gardening, friends, dinners, parties, the beach, a great book, traveling just about anywhere. Are we a hopeless couple?

"Dear Hubby,
I'm really sorry, but I have a confession to make. When we were dating, I wanted the upper hand, so I pretended to be someone I'm not. I faked interest in the things you were interested in so you'd think I was the perfect woman you'd been waiting your whole life for, but now that I've got you legally bound to me, I'm getting tired of pretending that I think you're a captivating man. I really find you to be a bit boring and having a conversation with you is duller than watching paint dry. I know this puts you in a bad spot. There's no way you could have known this, since I didn't give you a clue about any of it and you may feel a little deceived. You're probably wondering who the hell I really am. Actually, I am, too. I just know I'm getting too old to live my life trying to please other people and I'm finding myself wanting to figure out why I've done that in the past and how I can be a more authentic person from now on. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I hope you'll hang in there with me patiently, even though I know it's not really fair to ask that of you. I want to participate in some activities that you may not want to take part in, but I hope you'll give some of them a try. You might enjoy them. I'm going to cut back on the sports you enjoy because it's draining me to a point where I can start to feel myself growing a knot of tension in my gut, but I hope you'll continue to do what makes you happy even if I'm not right there with you. It's my hope that we can come together and discuss our interests and share the highlights with each other, but that we don't feel we have to march along in perfect harness for the rest of our days. I promise that whatever happens, I will never do anything to humiliate or harm you, and I hope that you'll make that same promise to me. It is my goal that my being open and truthful about what's going on with me will ultimately lead us to inhabit a space where we are bound to each other by honesty, mutual good will, respect and a deeper love than either of us has known before.
Love,
Wifey"

Holy Mackerel, Calisha, THAT is exactly what I have been trying to say!!

Thanks for putting it into words for me. R U a marriage counselor?

No, definitely not a marriage counselor. Just someone who's been through a lot and has learned a few things along my journey - usually the hard way! Best of luck to you:)

Maybe you should watch the movie Groundhog Day.

What does Phil Connors do in it? He goes deeper into the day and lives it to the fullest, searching for all the love he can bring out of it.

Maybe you can pierce into his reminiscing memories and dig deeper to find new things that you didn't know.

When someone starts reminiscing about something I've heard before, I try to find out something new that they haven't told me before. Like, when my mother tells me a specific story about growing up I ask her what they did for fun in the summer of the farm. etc.

If your husband is going to go there, maybe you can play around in his memory a bit.

That technique might succeed if he would give me something to work with.

Today we were at the beach and he started talking about his old friend, R. He has not seen or heard from R. for about 20 years, but I know right away what's coming next: R's ex-wife's terrible acne.

After about 5 minutes of hearing about R's wife's acne, I just said, " I never met him or his wife and you have not seen them for 20 years. What possible interest is it to go over this again?" (I hear this acne story at least once a week.) So tonight he is not speaking to me because I've been "rude".

I think I have to be "rude" and speak up or I will lose the freakin' will to live! This isn't just sometimes, it's every darn day.

On the plus side, if he's not speaking to you, at least he's not repeating himself either.

Did you try telling the story along with him?

Phone Lady -bingo! LOL, there's an upside to everything.

SuzieQ - yep, I did, Didn't faze him.

I bought him a metal detector. Maybe he will go outside for a few hours, give me a break, and maybe meet some new people, get some new stories? Maybe find me a nice diamond ring, who knows?

I was thinking about this yesterday - when a marriage fails due to outright abuse, cruelty, alcoholism, drugs, etc. etc or maybe one of the spouses decides to "play for the other team" - that's understandable. But how many just die due to plain old boredom and repetition? And how far does one go to save it?

Scarlett, I'm so sorry for you. I completely understand. I, myself, would rather be alone. Not lonely - alone. There's a big difference. "Alone" would free me up to live life as I wanted without that encumbrance.

Earlier you said you wouldn't leave. So unless you are rethinking that decision, I guess there is only so much you can do. And only so much any of us can suggest. I thought maybe you were going to copy Calisha's letter and hand it to him since it seemed to hit home?

Develop some more common interests in hopes of creating some newer stories to kick around and/or work on additional coping skills if that's your last hope.

Why don't you do the metal detecting together? DH and I found it was fun to go all sorts of places together and search. Beaches, parks, campgrounds.

Have lunch or find a local winery while you are out and about. Create some new stories together.

DH is in a men's bowling league one night a week. So one afternoon a week (we are retired) he and I go bowl together. It's practice for him and just some fun for us together. He golfs and I have no interest. Those days I do my own thing. But occasionally I will have his golf buddies and their wives over for a cookout or drinks.

Whatever brought the two of you together to begin with?? It couldn't have been the fascinating acne story!

It was sort of a marriage of convenience. He was divorced a long time and his ex moved out of state with the kids, so DH was at loose ends. And I was a single mom with a little girl, We filled in the blanks for each other. It worked until the situation changed, we both took early retirement and now we spend a LOT of time together, And there is the key, I think.

Yes, I realize that I have to drive it or park it and I don't want to park it, so I have to do the work. The biggest barrier right now is getting up some motivation. I didn't show him the letter because it would be too much all a once and I think he would retreat and withdraw. But it did put some stuff in perspective for me.

Thanks for explaining. That helps put it in better perspective. I'm surely no authority on marriage having been married more than once myself. Keeping in mind this is just MY own experience.

When I started a relationship with someone who was a good fit at the time AND there was also a lot of physical attraction, when we hit the dry or rough spots (as is the case in all relationships), we always got through it stronger.
When I had married a good guy who in hindsight was more a pal than soulmate, it didn't last. Whatever passion was lacking also extended to our non romantic interactions (trying to be delicate!). I tried to break off the engagement because I felt I was settling, but he pleaded and I was very young. Ironically, he ended up wanting that "you light up my life" relationship and asked for a divorce.

At this point I guess you just need to develop some more outside interests? DH and I too have a lot of time together, but honestly we are really used to that. We commuted and worked together for years so we are really good at yours, mine and ours time. Sometimes I will just go out for the day. Hit the library and read all the magazines, have lunch alone or even a movie (fortunately I like my own company), power walk the mall when it's too hot outside. Just fake it til you make it if you aren't interested in joining any clubs or doing volunteer work.

Is your daughter nearby? Mine lives far away but even before she had kids, I'd take off on my own for a few days and go visit. Even if she's at school or at work, there's exploring to very done.

I wish you the best!!!

That's pretty much what I'm doing now - looking for some classes or something to do outside the house. Being together 24/7 is rough in almost any relationship.

I have ben dropping in parts of the letter bit by bit into daily conversations. If I do it all at once, he will freak out, I think.

My daughter could not be farther away! I live in Ca. and she is in eastern Canada, but we do talk.

Keep on keeping on, Scarlett, and good luck. Please keep us posted, and vent any time you want!

Many thanks to everybody! This is a safe place to vent and to get other opinions - I really don't know what I would do otherwise.

We had dinner last night with some friends who have been married 51 years. They retired about 3 years ago. They are really working hard at balancing their time together and apart. They've found new interests together, take time away from each other, do things separately with other friends. And all this in the midst of some major health issues last year. They seem really happy and content. I'm a few years away from retirement so I'm learning from others successes and mistakes. I also know some retired couples who spend all their time together in their house and they hate each other. It's only human nature, you can't be around another person that much, jeez i would hate my husband after a couple days of that, lol! So like everyone has already said, you should work on finding activities for both of you, but also take care of yourself and find what makes you happy. Good luck to you and let us know how everything goes, we can all learn from this.