Oy. Have you pointed out that if she plans to stay there, she might want to plan a kitchen taking into account the possibility of future disability? (Starting with no library ladders.)

Handle it like a therapist
"aha, I see, so what you're saying is, you want to do "insert here>"
when she asks if you like her idea just say
"do you love it? you do? well that's wonderful!"

no point engaging this, it sounds like she's driven other people nuts selling, not selling. she may go through all of this planning and then decide to do nothing. She's an old eccentric lady, you can't change her, just be polite and sweet.

Sounds like you have told her the truth and she doesn't want it. And it sounds like there isn't anyone else to point her to to see if she will her it from them (real estate agent, family, etc.) so, I think I would deflect as much as possible. "hobokenkitchen, don't you just love my black lacquer cabinet plan? Friend, you seem so happy about those cabinets. Tell me, how do you keep your roses blooming so nicely?"

I thought you and your DH had just bought your first home, you were (around?) 22 and you just had a baby. How many years were you in real estate?

You're in a tough situation. She wants attention and confirmation of her "taste". Sounds like she's well grounded in the late 70s, early 80s with black lacquer and the Asian theme. But it's her kitchen.

The problem is that it's not what she really wants to do. She's just doing something.

I agree with treating her like a therapist.

I don't think you should lie to her. I largely agree with the therapist solution, but you could also do something a little more direct and, I think, a little easier. If asked if you like such and such, you could cheerily say "Well, you know, that isn't really my style, so, no, I am not nuts about it. But you know, that is why they make both chocolate and vanilla!"

Even at 70, experience is the great teacher. You have done your due diligence. We cannot protect everyone from themselves.

Ah....my mother is very like this. My therapist says to "validate her feelings" when I cannot agree with her. Don't try to convince her she is wrong. Also, you cannot keep her from making her own mistakes.

I would be honest with her (if you think you can...I cannot with my mother). Don't lie to her. But I'm not sure you will be able to convince her to change her mind so I would not try to do that. Just tell her you don't think it will add value to her home but if it something she wants to do for her own enjoyment and she can afford it, then she should do as she pleases.

I sometimes try to think if alternative ideas for my mother. For example, she wanted to move her bedroom into the living room and make her bedroom the living room just so she could wake up to her lake view. I suggested that she could put a french door between the living room and the bedroom. Not great for resale...but a much cheaper alternative the complete interior remodel she was headed towards. This is what she ended up doing and she is very happy with it.

Could you show her some "arts & crafts" design books with asian inspired interiors to move her towards maybe wood cabinets. Or how about bamboo cabinets with asian inspired handles. Just bring over the magazines and tell her that you thought she would enjoy looking at them since she likes asian stuff. Suggest some lacquer side tables or artwork? Tell her that if she ever moves, she can take the furniture and artwork with her. But if they are in the kitchen cabinets...she'll have to leave them behind. But if this doesn't work...remember that you cannot keep her from making her own mistakes.

Get somebody else in the picture.. Maybe a real estate agent.. Who can provide feedback like "Wow! You have such an unique and interesting take but you know the market here is not sophisticated enough to appreciate it. I am worried that they will under bid on your house." . Does she not have family who can help?

Thanks for the tips. Sadly the only family she has is in Florida and there would be no help from that quarter.

CEFreeman - I am a LOT older than 22!! Let's put it this way - I was older than 22 when I got married and it took us 10 years to decide to have a baby.
This is my third Gardenweb kitchen and 9th house that I have owned (7th with DH). Maybe you have me confused with someone else?

No help from realtors either. The last failed deal was through the realtor who just sold our Philly house. She met her and told her she would consider selling so the realtor brought over clients who she thought would love the house... and they did. My friend reiterated she wasn't a motivated seller and wouldn't budge on her price, so eventually they didn't make an offer at all despite indicating that they were going to. She blames the realtor and thinks they weren't pre qualified and couldn't afford the house.

What actually happened was they would have paid $100,000 less than she wants and when she told them again that she wouldn't negotiate they decided to stick with a house that they liked less but was better value. It was really a shame as they were the perfect buyers for her house - they really did love it.
My friend is furious with the realtor about it which is actually stunningly unfair (and I told her that too).

Honestly we have been disagreeing on a lot recently - she is a very tricky personality but that doesn't mean I don't want things to work out for her.

The value of her home is one thing I would be delighted to be wrong about!
The house could be worth close to what she wants but it's somewhat dated and by the time the kitchen and baths are redone the value just isn't there. She knows this and I think it is contributing towards the kitchen remodel.

But black lacquer cabinets?? I wouldn't be so worried but they are sooooooo expensive yet look so cheap.
I tried on the library ladder. No dice.

Ah well. It is what it is. I wish I could think of a way to help her more effectively, but I can't MAKE her see that black lacquer is a bad idea and with all of the paid professionals telling her how fabulous it's going to be, what chance do I have. I just hope this doesn't come back to bite her in the end and ultimately give her $100,000 less to retire to Florida on when the time comes that she wants to give selling another try. Maybe there will be that one buyer who loves black lacquer as much as she does and is willing to pay extra for it (because she's probably going to want a lot extra again with a renovated kitchen). Ultimately I hope she gets it!!

Suggest she come to this website.

I did. She said she was surprised that I listened to the advise of random strangers who's taste I may or may not even like. I guess she does have a point! ; )

That's what I was going to say, lol. Send her over here. But hey, there is no accounting for taste. What does the rest of her house look like?

Glad she has a friend like you in the neighborhood, btw.

You need to just step out of it. As a friend, you gave her your opinion on both the value of her home and her kitchen renovation choices. She was not receptive to either.
I would no longer let her engage you in those two topics. Listen respectfully for a minute and then change the subject.
As CE mentioned maybe she just wants something to do. As long as she has the money, who will it hurt if she puts in a black lacquer kitchen? You are not obligated to play any part in this.

Situations like these can turn very funny. For all you know she could do what she wants and still get her price. Or the reverse. Fortunately, you're not her r.e. agent and the eventual outcome isn't your responsibility.

I think straight forward and truthfulness about your feelings is the best way to set boundaries. I'd simply say I'm your friend and neighbor, I want the best for you but we have a difference of opinion. I would honestly tell her your opinion -- and say that if she were your mom or your aunt or a relative this is what you'd tell her.

When she asks for more advise I'd say that you do not know how to be of further help, but you will support her eventual decision and hope for a great result.

It's the truth and how you feel. It may or may not get through but that's not something you can change. She may then stop asking you or not. But you've drawn clear boundaries and been honest and let her know you're on her side.

I don't think she really wants your opinion. Some people are like that--they have to bounce their ideas off someone else but don't really care what someone else actually thinks about it.

You can't save her from herself, although kudos to you for trying. I think you should take the completely opposite approach in dealing with her though.

Take her to look at homes that are listed at the price she thinks her house is worth so she can see those kitchens. If you want your house to sell for 500K, you should know what kind of kitchen a 500K house has in your area.

Then when she brings up black lacquer, tell her it would be great in another home, but it's such an awful idea for resale in her home that you don't want to hear any more details - too upsetting for you - which is actually true.

Obviously I was confused!
I wonder whom I was reading about the same time you started having crazy trouble. Glad it's all working out, BTW. :)

I have two thoughts for you from the evil Pinterest. I've wasted weeks on that site:

{{gwi:1637367}} and
{{gwi:1637368}}

There was another that made me laugh out loud. It said something about how much the woman loves wasting her time offering advice just to watch someone screw up by not taking it. Kharma is a ... snot. But I forget where it is.

I like the idea of a real estate tour. Like those shows on HGTV.

"Well, you know, it's not my taste and wouldn't be my choice, but if it makes you happy, go for it."

Trying to get her to listen to you isn't going to work. Bring out the big guns.

One tactic to pursue would be the design professionals who are offering such horrendous advice. You might want to drop them a friendly note that the lady hasn't quite been all there mentally lately (true for someone unders stress like that) and that friends and relatives are concerned about others taking advantage of that. Then suggest that a renovation that is so obviously beneficial to them without being at all financially sound for the lady could be viewed very suspiciously by the family, and ultimately, the courts if it came to that. No one wants to end up in court looking like they took advantage of an older lady.

And then, if you've even met the family enough to say hi, drop them a line that it might be time to consider that this family member may need a bit of help with either depression or some other issues that may affect her financial future.

Yes, it's being a busybody. But, it might actually work, and you'll feel better if you actually do try to get her some help to deal with her situation.

Definitely don't act like her ideas are fantastic, if you don't think they are. People have a bad habit of blaming others for the predicaments they get themselves into. She may get it into her head that you encouraged her to make those mistakes and her inability to sell will be your fault...just like with the realtor.

If you think there is hope in dissuading her from the black lacquer, I like EAM44's advice. If her mind is set, I'd say something along the lines of it being a question of personal style and that it's her money. Poor gal. House shoppers would likely want a reduced price because they'd have to redo the kitchen!

Another thought.... you said she's almost 70. NOw I know I'm saying in this in part cause it's just a bit over 10 years away for me and 10 years can be a blink, but; it's old but not "OLD". I love the idea of offering to take her to see homes for sale in the area that are priced where she believes hers should be. I would not lie, would not smile and nod. I'd personally tell the truth, tempered with kindness and if necessary, say we have to agree to disagree. At some point, I'd tell her it's a subject you two will never agree on and you don't want it to taint your friendship so lets leave it as an off limits topic.

This is so hard, but in my experience nobody takes advice unless they are truly, utterly undecided (rare as hen's teeth) or if your advice happily coincides with what they are already planning on doing.

Frustrating, I know. Believe me, I know. I don't give advice anymore, I give my opinion.

Don't lie, that will feel icky for you. Just continue to be gently honest and then tell her that you can't talk about it anymore, because it's a topic you guys just can't get on the same page about.

Sounds like listening to these plans is giving you heartburn, and a true friend wouldn't ask you to continue to advise her while completely ignoring your opinions.

Good luck, we've all BTDT.

I'm at the "smile and nod" stage with my SIL. There are more effective layouts in many studio apartments than the one she's got now in her mid-sized suburban home. She recognizes it's terribly inefficient and probably why she hates to cook, but insists on using the exact same layout in her reno! I did my best to dissuade her, so I'm honest (maybe a little evasive) with her when asked, but mostly avoid the discussion. At least we can agree that her finishes will be attractive and good for resale (NOT black lacquer!!), but the situation is a little tough on the relationship. So... I think you're being a good friend, trying to steer this woman away from some bad choices, but in the end they're her choices. You can try your best to support her without agreeing with her decisions, though this may be difficult.

I'm with roccogirl - tell her the truth from a perspective of your feelings.

I would do it with a preface of " let's have a talk" so nothing that just comes out of left field.

When my husband wants to do something that is not recommended for some reason, I handle it like this....

This is a completely legitimate option, but its important to recognize that it's feeding your soul and not a great financial decision. People make choices like this all thetime, no big deal - but call it what it is. I will support either direction, but I'm very worried if you go down this path without realizing why your doing it or what the results will be.

For your friend, I would say (probably before that last bit).

I care about you and want to see you happy.

Your taste is beautiful but unique for today. I get it that you don't believe me on this......but I'm worried you're not hearing me.....you will not get any of your money back. You can choose not to believe me...but then you should ask yourself why you seem to want my opinion.

Again, if doing the kitchen this way warms your heart - awesome, just make sure you are really clear on the why. If your doing it because you're disappointed about Florida, I'm worried that halfway through, when you are doing dishes in your bathroom sink, you may find yourself really unhappy.

Oh boy. I do have friends who ask for opinions. I know what they want to hear, and it is usually not what I want to say. I've learned that some people just want your approval to do whatever they are going to do anyway.

She obviously is not thinking straight. And I don't mean because of her choice in cabinetry. If she is 70 and wants to move to Florida, really wants to move to Florida, she would not be "updating" her kitchen to sell that house. Ask her what is more important--moving or staying. That's the question. If she is still wanting to move, ask her what if you could sell this house for your asking price today, would you take it? If she says yes, then tell her to lower the price by the amount she wants to invest in the kitchen [she can save on the commission this way too ;-) ] Tell her that you never know what hidden costs there will be when they start and she should assume that it won't be just $125k, it could be $150k.

She has no family that she can count on. I really think you should try to make this last ditch effort. Remind her that right now is the BEST time to get your house on the market. Christmas decorations are put away, the buyers are out! Tell her to give it one more shot. Remind her that she can put that black kitchen in her Florida home! I'm sure black kitchens are very popular in Florida...

If it fails, there is nothing you can do.

I would gently tell her that a) you've already given your opinion and b) point out that the cost of this renovation would largely make up for the extra money she wants out of these deals to sell her home and move to Florida. Reiterate that this is your best thinking on this and that you totally honor her right to take it or not.

After that, I think you've done all you can do and it's up to you to decide how much you want to engage in conversation about the topic/project. I have some tricky relationships and made a mental list of 20 ways I can respond when the conversation is going into dicey territory I don't want to go in. I find it very empowering to remember my list and no longer have a lot of anxiety or avoidance about dealing with these folks, who can get rather toxic in their various ways!

I agree with beekeeperswife. If it were my friend I would be so sorry to see her make such a mistake and I'd want to make one last effort to help. It does sound like she may talk about wanting to move to Florida, but that something is standing in her way of doing the things she would really need to be doing if she were serious about it. Maybe the idea sounds nice, but she is afraid of it for some reason. Maybe a little bit of denial about aging (library ladders really?).

It is sad and so hard to see your friend harm herself financially and possibly physically. Once you've tried one last good faith intervention it's time go give up. If she wants to stay and wants that darn kitchen I'd just look at it as money spent on a creative endeavor, hope that she she gets many years of enjoyment out of it, and leave it at that.
Good luck.

Here's how I would handle it. I would invite her over for lunch. Compliment something you honestly think is a positive for her. Then give her a print out of Houzz.com's ten most liked kitchens of 2012 that was posted on this forum last week. Tell her that you know she has her own sense of style, but sometimes, we have to consider whether our decision will add value to investment. Next, I would suggest that she incorporate some of her ideas in a kitchen that will have broader appeal and add value to her investment. If she likes black, suggest black appliances, a nice black countertop, soapstone, granite, quartz, even black laquer. Suggest black hardware, black light fixtures, maybe even a black sink, (silgranite?). But gently tell her that black laquer cabinetry is not desirable in 2013 the way that avocado appliances are no longer widely desired or available. Maybe point out that black laquer cabinets are not sold in many places and theres a reason for that.

Next, give her printout of great kitchens, from houzz.com, of kitchens that have some of her style (modern I assume) without black cabinets. Maybe even end the cabinetry conversation with the printed picture of the world worst kitchen that has been posted on GW several times this year. Maybe we can find the original thread where the hideous kitchen was first mocked by GW and read her some of the comments.

Lastly, I would suggest that she get her house appraised by an appraisal company used by banks rather than realtors. While realtors have more flexibility concerning listing price, bank appraisers go strictly based on comparable sales and your home features (and updating required) vs. sales in a specific market.

After this long conversation, let her know that you care about her and want her to be happy and get the most out of her investment, whether she decides to move or someday leave it as an inheritance. Then, ask her to take home the print outs and think about what you've said. Tell her you will ask her about this one more time to discuss her thoughts on what you've said.

At that next discussion, if she still sticks to her black lacquer way of thinking, wish her well and let her know that you can't get involved in this planning, purchase, design, etc. You value her friendship, but let her know you firmly believe she is making a mistake with great financial impact and because of this kitchen / house talk is off limits if she continues down her black lacquer road.

Good luck. It is so nice that you care so much.

I helped a friend with her kitchen during the past year. I kept any comments/opinions about her choices in aesthetics to myself and only concentrated on the functionality of her kitchen. It probably saved our friendship and she was thrilled with the suggestions I gave her on layout.

I agree with this from upthread:

"You can't save her from herself, although kudos to you for trying. I think you should take the completely opposite approach in dealing with her though.

Take her to look at homes that are listed at the price she thinks her house is worth so she can see those kitchens. If you want your house to sell for 500K, you should know what kind of kitchen a 500K house has in your area.

Then when she brings up black lacquer, tell her it would be great in another home, but it's such an awful idea for resale in her home that you don't want to hear any more details - too upsetting for you - which is actually true."

If she wastes $100,000 on a hideous kitchen and winds up selling for less than she expects, will she still be ok financially? Will she be able to move eventually? If so, I would tell her just once more what you think and then back out. I think the goal is to protect her resources. If she can afford to take a chance on devaluing her house, then let her have her "gorgeous" kitchen and don't get upset. The bottom line is, potential buyers can rip out the island, respray the cabinets and take away the ladder. If she is a bit short when she is ready for Florida, maybe she can find a place for a little less than she has budgeted.

Have you tried a re-direct? "Maude, wouldn't you much rather have this kitchen in your new place in Florida where you can enjoy it? I know you've looked forward to moving, so why don't you make up your mind to do your dream kitchen there?"

Or wait for some really rotten winter weather and then make the suggestion. (phone call): "Hi, Maude. I was just looking out the window and thinking Florida sounds like a really good idea today. I was thinking how much you'd like having your new kitchen there where there's a blue sky and it's so much warmer."

Hey, HBkitchen! What do you mean, "strangers"? We were there holding your hand when you were 9 months pregnant, hormonally challenged, and desperate. Rotten GC, hope he has a lovely case of athlete's foot or head lice-would serve him right. And, BTW, we won't be miffed if you ignore all this advice as N/A.

Let's get real.

Today most people ask for advice for one single purpose: the thrill of smugly overruling you. It's fun to do what one wants, but it's a lot more fun to feel superior to somebody else while doing it. So people solicit opinions for the sole purpose of turning you down, so they can behave like the lord or lady in charge, and you can play the role of their inferior supplicant.

Harsh, but true. It's the real motivation behind most advice seeking IRL (as opposed to here).

Given her increasingly frequent disagreement with you, I bet that's the game she's playing.

I have a friend like this. She's younger, but she always wants my opinions on various purchases, renovations, decorating, etc. THEN, after I provide tons of info. and websites for her, she always does what she wanted to in the beginning. I've learned after years of this, and after a lot of MY TIME spent on doing research for her, that it's best to just listen to her, kind of nod and say, "Oh, really? Interesting..." You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink! ;)

What is making me feel better is that I really have tried many of the above ideas, so at least I feel like i haven't handled it totally badly.

I had a sit down with her a few weeks ago where I told her I didn't want to overstep my bounds, but if it was my Mother I would talk to her and I wanted to talk to her as if I were her daughter.
At that meeting I expressed concern over the house as a whole. Vertical living is tough on someone with a terrible back. She said she could always go up the stairs backwards on her butt (swear to god). She then told me she had already spoken to a stair lift company (she would need 4!!) as a back up.

I asked her if the Florida dream was over would she consider buying a condo where she is and putting her dream kitchen into that instead, but she said if she wasn't moving to Florida then she isn't moving at all.

I even asked her why she was so firm in her position and she said that it made her feel in control... which I guess she needs having lost potential buyers of her house or a second time.

The thing is when she thought they were going to buy it she got SO excited - sent me 10 Florida condo listings in 20 minutes and was talking about furniture she would take, etc. She also spent last winter there and seemed so much happier and relaxed than she does here. She also has arthritus and the winters are tough on her.

I am going to leave it be. If she asks me anything more about the kitchen I'll just do what I have been ding which is to tell her it's not my taste.

Ultimately she CAN afford Florida with less cash, she just doesn't want to change her lifestyle and the places she would want to buy are expensive.

She's actually mad at me right now over a completely seperate issue, so really it's all a moot point right now I guess. But I do worry about her - she's suffered a lot of sadness in her life and could use some happiness. It's made her tricky to deal with though and she has very few people to rely on. I have been one of them, but we'll have to see whether it remains that way. I do hope it all works out for her either way!!

This post was edited by hobokenkitchen on Fri, Jan 11, 13 at 20:54

CEFreeman - orgot to mention that I LOVE those cards. So apt in this case!!

Ok give me her number and I'll tell her lol. Really though, do you have a very outspoken friend you can take over there?

This woman has issues that go far beyond black lacquer cabs. Distance yourself and tell her why. She's got maybe ten years tops before people will have to make her decisions for her. The reality is she doesnt want to face the next stage of her life and lets face it- its way more fun to plan a kitchen and have something to talk with people about than planning ahead for the more immobile years.
She should go to Florida (near real family) and get a one level home (Due to mobility issues) and put her black kitchen in there, if thats what she really wants.
If she can sell her house here without doing anything to it just do it. Take the $ and run. Florida is such a duh for someone north of 60, arthritic and who has family there already. She must not like them much. Or she'd be there already.
Sorry dont mean to be grouchy about this but I smell personality disorder with this woman.

I totally agree with rococogurl. I would be honest and speak from your heart. It sounds like you are wearing many hats in your relationship with her. She needs to know you just want the best for her and to see her happy but it is also important for her to know that she may not get a return on her investment and that her design choice can make her house even more difficult to sell. In any event, at least she will be informed.

I wish you luck. You are in a tough situation and for you to express it here in this forum tells me that it is taking energy away from you. You are a good friend and neighbor, find solace in this. Take care of yourself too.

Maybe a nice trip to Florida is in order so that she can have a fresh perspective when she returns.

Hoboken, you have been a true friend to her. I think she most likely knows this in her heart. She just sounds like an elderly lady who has some residual issues she hasn't completely dealt with. Sometimes I think, especially for people of that generation, not to deal with the problems and act as if they are not there is easier. At least in the short term. However, it sound's like you are getting a lion's share of the residual effects.

She sounds a lot like one of my grandmothers as she got older. She held onto pent-up hostilities forever and though I or others might not have been the cause of these issues the we at times took yhe direct hits as a result of our wanting to interact and continued feelings for her.

If it becomes too big of nightmare to continue the relationship, just know that you were a true friend and did your best. However, I am now nervous about posting my current kitchen plans.....black, dare I say it, lacquerish!!!! LOL.

Oh god - sorry Louisianapurchase - I hope you aren't offended! Maybe your kitchen will help change my mind on the horrors of black lacquer?! I hope so!!

Too funny HBK! And it is not so much lacquer as just black cabinets.....possibly with a shinier finish!!!! This isn't set in stone and could change by the end of the night. This kitchen has been through at least six form changes. Though still with the same function platform. I have only been working on this for five years. I think you have done three kitchens (amazing ones I might add) to my none. No worries!!

A few thoughts some of which might have already been said.

She probably never take your advise about anything and if she ever does she will complain to you that is was the wrong advise.

It was very telling that she told you that its all about being in control. That is something people as they age are very concerned with. It also leads to bad decisions. I would be tempted to say, so making bad choices makes you feel in control?

Why does she have so little contact with her family? You might need to contact them as has been said but keep in mind she probably will never speak to you again if she finds out.

About the friendship. When relationships get to this point I personally don't think they are friendships, at aleast not on the level they once were. Sounds like she uses you to validate that she is in control of her life. She is not speaking to you why? Guessing its nothing important.

I would step back from the relationship, give no more advise, contact her family if you become increasing concerned about her decisions. Keep an eye on her without being sucked in to the decision dramas.

Good luck.

Her house, her money.
State an opinion once, then stop.
As long as she is mentally competent stay out of it.

I certainly would not want anyone badgering me about my decorating choices OR deciding what is best for my life.

And crikey- 70 is not all that old.
She could have 25 good years left.
Plus, Florida is not a "duh" for many older people for many reasons. I just left there and would NEVER go back.

Let her run her own life.

cearbhaill - I actually agree with you in many ways!! I don't think 70 is old - my Mom is 70 and still goes on backpacking vacations all over the world.

The difference is that my friend lives in a 4 story row home with bedroom on the top floor and has had multiple back surgeries and needs another.
She also WANTS to move to Florida. It's not that I think she ought to... well I do, but only because she loves it there!
Her sister and cousin are in Florida, she's a sun worshiper and she loves the beach. She has very few friends left up here. My concern is that I think she is making a snap decision based on the house sale not happening, not based on what she wants.

However I do think she is completely mentally competent so I won't be contacting her sister - not that there's anything she could do anyway!

Anyway thanks for your opinion - everything you say is true as well.

Debrak - she has a sister and I think has a very good relationship with her. She periodically comes up to visit. She also has a nephew but he is not ok. Lives in a group home. He certainly can't support her in any way.

She's not speaking to me because of an incident with her dog. She can't lift the baby due to her back so plays with her on the floor. They both just LOVE each other and have great fun. But she has a big dog who is rambunctious and bounces around the floor while our infant is down there. I thought I saw him step on her, she told me I was wrong, I picked up the baby, she got mad at me.

The thing is she is so hurt that I don't trust her to protect the baby, but if he didn't step on her he was within half an inch and I am just not comfortable with such a big bouncy dog landing within half an inch of our baby on the floor. Serious damage could be done if he accidentally stepped on her and he seems incapable of just sitting or going down while 'his Mom' plays with the baby. He gets clingy and has to be right next to her.... ie right on top of the baby.

Anyway this isn't something I can back down on. I usually just brush off annoying things which happen, but not this. I offered to discuss it with her but apparently her feelings are so hurt that she's not yet ready. It's sad. : (

Wow, tell her that she has great taste, but, unfortunately, most people don't. So, if she really wants to move to FL and create her dream kitchen there, she needs to cater to as many potential buyers as possible. Could you take her to some model homes or open houses, or watch design to sell or house hunters with her? Or as suggested, show her the top kitchens from Houzz.

HBK, I can't really follow the house remodel/sell storyline, but when it comes to your baby's safety around an unruly large dog, I come down strongly in your favor. An errant paw in the face by a large friendly dog can injure nonetheless. If he's cllngy when his mom is playing with the baby, it's not a stretch for him to become insecure and jealous. I have personal experience where an otherwise gentle, placid dog snapped at and bit a baby. Fortunately it was not a serious bite, but it did not end well for the dog. If someone can't see why you're concerned, a silence or estrangement is a small price to pay.

HBK, like linelle I will respond to your last post regarding the baby and dog. The situation you described has a very large probability of ending with the dog bitting your baby.

Why wouldn't your friend lock the dog in a bedroom for the short while that you are visiting? She knows best?

When I was growing up we had a collie that was very friendly. We could do anything to that dog. We had friends with a toddler and did everything to keep them apart. One day the toddler approached the dog, which we had tied to a tree. The dog snapped at the toddler and just missed his face by a few millimeters. The dog must have felt jealous or threatened by the changes that took place when this child visited. You never know. There seem to be plenty of reasons to stay away from your friend at the moment.

there is nothing more for you to do, you already expressed your concerns
time to let it go, she will make her own choices
you might need to distance yourself from her, sounds like the relationship is challenging. and also ask yourself why you are so invested in this - why is it bothing you so much and why are you so hooked in to it?

I know the dog situation is unacceptable which is why I haven't backed down on it. I AM sorry to have hurt her feelings, but I think she is waiting for me to apologize and while I have apologized for having hurt her feelings, I have not and will not apologize for taking the baby out of a situation I wasn't comfortable with.

babushka_cat, I don't know that I am 'so hooked in to it' or that it's bothering me SO MUCH. I certainly take my friendships seriously and am sad when I see something going wrong.

Does that answer your question? I'm not crying over it, but I do feel badly that she doesn't have many close friends and family to help her out.