Marriage, Divorce, Love

17 years ago

I am 45 and have been married for almost 20 years. We have 3 daughters. I "love" my husband but am not "in love" with him but he is very verbally abusive to me and the family. He is now trying to do better because I told him that I wanted a divorce. We have been down the "I will change" path many times before only for it to go back to the same old thing. I feel like I settled with him. DonÂt get me wrong he is a wonderful person and provider (I have also always worked and I like it that way). With everything going on in our marriage I have another issueÂ I am still in love with my boyfriend from 26+ years ago. We quit talking because it was a long distance relationship and I was not willing to relocate. I was never able to get him out of my head and/or heart. I looked him up about 11 years ago. We talked all of the time and it did not take long for both of us to confess that neither of us had gotten over the other. He is also married with 2 children. We saw each other over a weekend and it just confirmed our feelings but neither of us was willing to split our families apart. We talked for a while after that and then I had to let go because it just hurt so much. I have never quit thinking about him and have always referred to him as the one I should have married and I do truly believe that. The positive of my current marriage is that I have 3 wonderful daughters that I would not have. I contacted my friend again after 11 years about 2 months ago. It was like we never missed anything. He can still read me like a book even over the phone or email. We are hundreds of miles apart (that is a good thing) but have this love and passion for each other that is like nothing I have experienced with anyone else. I do not think he is happy in his marriage (well, I know there are issues I just will not go there) but he comes from a very strong family and is a loyal person. I am not saying that I am not loyal either because I am! I would never ask him or even hint to him that I want him to leave his wife. We text, email and talk all of the time. We talk about everything. He accepts me for who I am and I do him. We have both aged but I could careless about his outward appearance (but he is still very handsome). I am 45 and was always taught to take care of myself so I am ok with my own looks. I am going to divorce my current husband because I canÂt keep teaching my girls that it is ok to be treated the way their father treats me. I donÂt know what to do with my friend. I feel like I canÂt live without him but I do not want to be the cause of his marriage ending. We just have this bond that is unbelievable. Any advice would be wonderful!

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Comments (10)

deborah_ps
17 years ago
Get your own house in order.
Why sully a new beginning by continuing a relationship you can't have?
Would your daughters be taught a better lesson by what your heart desires? Oh, because it will come to light.
Stop with the fantasizing about your old BF. He's married.
And "ain't" no way a happy blended family is in your future with him.
Why not teach your girls that it's a strong woman who can stand on her own... if an available kind person happens...well good, but not to look for trouble.
Concentrate on your girls...not on your dating life.
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
I still remember one of the stories in the book "Some Men Are More Perfect Than Others", that I read many years ago.

A woman in a stale longterm marriage got involved with another man.

When her marriage ended...
she split up with the other man.

When she was no longer in a bad marriage, she didn't need the validation she had gotten from the other guy.
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"he continues to have personality conflict issues. He has no filter, and further fails to take responsibility for the problems he thinks isn't his fault." Without a strong will and a concerted effort on hos part to change this, it will always be the same. Does he want to change? Is he willing to go to counselling? If not, I can predict with a large degree of certitude that this cycle of getting a job, then being unemployed will continue until he retires. " I do everything around the house (cleaning and yardwork) in addition to my full time job." Even now that he is unemployed? IMO when you are both working, jobs should be divided equitably (not necessarily equally, but according to who likes and is good at doing particular jobs and how you _both_ feel happy with the division). A non-working partner's contribution to the partnership is, IMO the lion's share of the household chores. This is as valuable as the other partner's monetary contribution. " I don't want to kiss someone I have to tell to brush their teeth and take a shower." Yuck. While not exactly physically abusive, it's not the act of a caring partner. Yes, he may have let his personal hygiene slip due to depression caused by being unemployed, yada yada, but if he's depressed he needs to get counselling and _fix_ the depression. How will he get a new job if he's dirty and smelly? " But there is still a fear that I will be alone forever" And if you were, would that be worse than continuing in your current situation? You probably won't be, though I wouldn't rush into another relationship for its own sake though- you already know how that plays out. I guess your decision will hinge largely on counselling. You need it for yourself to work through your own thoughts and decide what you want out of life. He needs it to work on his depression and other issues. If you want to save the relationship, you need it together to work out how you're going to do that. I wish you luck.
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dotz_gw
17 years ago
And heres another story..Dhs Ex carrying on with the neighbor...Ex gets rid of DH so they can live happily ever after...Neighbor dumps her and moves, no long married, no longer safe to toy with....
Vickey__MN
17 years ago
You are NOT in love with your EX..you are in "Love" with the image you hold in your imagination you hold of your Ex. He cannot read you like a book, he hasn't seen you puking your guts out with the flu, he hasn't seen you when you've just yelled at your kids because they've been pills. He's always seen the persona you put on in your E-mails and on the phone. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Leave him to his family. Leave this abusive relationship, learn to live on your own, learn to love yourself. Build up your self-esteem, build up your daughters self-esteem. Show them what a powerful woman is like. Then find a person out there....when it is time...who loves you for the person you are now, not the person that you were years ago.

Vickey-MN
helpwiththis
17 years ago
The grass may look greener on the other side, but I have yet to see a case where it actually is.
mom2emall
17 years ago
Entering a relationship this way leads to trust issues. I had a friend who left her husband and then persued a relationship with a guy who she had been becoming too good of friends with before her divorce. Her and the guy ended up married years later. He has always had a hard time trusting her around guys because of this.

My dh's ex wife left him for a guy she thought was everything my dh was not. Well it seemed that way. She figured out her new guy was not what she bargained for and tried to come running back to dh. He told her to take a flying leap. Now she stays with this other guy because she keeps letting him knock her up! My skids say this guy is a real jealous jerk to her. Can't blame him too much for the jealousy...she left her husband and 3 kids behind to be with him.

Get out on your own and worry about your kids before jumping into anything. Stay friends with the guy and don't talk about getting together. If he is truly unhappy in his situation he needs to get out for him...not for you. In a few years when your divorces are done and your lives are back on track then you can think about getting together.
bnicebkind
17 years ago
You are every married woman's nightmare...like a thief, you lurk in the shadow's waiting for an opportunity to steal and destroy that which is most precious to her...her family. As you lurk in the shadow's - you justify it all and feel a "right" to destroy her family, because of "your feelings" and because you "want" it. What gives you the right to indulge what "you" want, at the expense and destruction of several other people...his wife, and two children. Your selfishness will not only harm these 3 people, but it will affect each of these three for years to come, not to mention the families these children will one day have. You say you have not asked him to leave her. Yet you are doing everything you can to entice him away...This emotional "affair" you have begun, is wrong, and unfair to him, his wife, their children, your children, and yes, even to your DH. Stop indulging yourself and your fantasy life at the expense of all these other people. You have no right to destroy another woman's family because you "want" her husband. You made your choice years ago. And you both built a life and a family on that choice.

If you indulge your desire, and succeed, you will always know deep down that getting what you want...cost at least 3 other human beings...dearly. That you stole something that didn't belong to you. You can justify it all you want. It is what it is. And what (long term) married couple does not have "issues"??? We can all come up with things to "justify" ourselves, to make our actions seem not so bad.
scarlett2001
17 years ago
Ditto to what each and every poster here has said. You are living in a dangerous fantasy world. I support you in leaving an abusive husband but it stops at the point where you are messing with a married man with a family. "Treat others as you wish them to treat you."
pris
17 years ago
I find it hard to reconcile that a "wonderful person and provider" can be too abusive. Could it be that you are trying to justify your feelings for your old BF by magnifying some minor arguments into "abuse"? All marriages have rough spots with words said in anger. If you examine some of the things you may have said, could they be construed as abusive? We all say things in anger that are hurtful. It probably works both ways.
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
& often people, seems like women especially, make apologies & excuses for their abusers, saying things like "he's a good provider" as though that somehow gives him a credit he can use to "balance" his bad behavior.

Marriage, Divorce, Love

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