Dying mother or pregnant wife?
sadwife
15 years ago
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dotz_gw
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosuzieque
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
34 weeks pregnant; so unhappy with husband
Comments (20)I feel badly reading your email. It's not a good feeling when you so need help and the person you love doesn't recognize it and react. There are probably parts of you that resent your husband right now that he's not reacting to the situation, that he's not stepping up to the plate, especially since you know he is capable of doing so. I am sure that's frustrating and hurtful - and hard to get past. I am a person that has trouble asking for help and when I do, I expect the person to react. The resentment I feel just having to ask, I can't quite explain. Admittedly for me, I expect my husband to be a mind reader. But the reality is, I know another person can't be that "gifted" but in my mind, I know I have felt this way. Some times guys just don't get it. And they literally need it spelt out for them, which sometimes in my mind X's out the good that they do b/c I had to ASK for it. I agree whole heartedly with that advice on communication. As hard as it is to admit when you need some help ... and as hard as it is to say the you are hurting - you need to do it. BUT how you do it is key. In a screaming argument, isn't the best of times for someone to really listen to you (I know from experience). But I think with your situation, some actions might need to take place before a real conversation can happen where there is a positive connection for both of you. Now, having said all of the above, I hope you realize that I do understand where you are coming from. However, I'm in a different boat (feeling more and more like I'm on my own island as I can't find ANYONE out there feeling the same feelings I do) ... my situation is opposite. My husband is very helpful and doing all the right things on a daily basis with helping around the house. This is our first. We haven't been intimate since I told him we were pregnant. As much as I love him ... it hurts a lot not having that connection. It just doesn't "feel right" ... it really makes me sad. I'm sure there are a bazillion reasons why we don't -- tired, working too much, etc. But I feel myself making comments, not nice ones, and part of it I can't explain. I do get mad at myself and try to figure out where this "mean streak" comes from b/c I'm really not a mean person by nature. It's like this underlying frustration I feel ... I hate it. I hate the lack of connection ... and I hate how I react to that. Even when my husband does something nice for me, at some point I'm making a comment about something, critizing him. He's left feeling hurt, I'm sure and frustrated and definitely not wanting to be intimate with someone like that. And I'm left feeling frustrated and feeling terrible about myself for reacting that way. Sex truly is a big piece of a relationship. Sometimes it's used in horrible ways, keeping it from someone as leverage ... I don't believe that's the case with me. But it does feel like I'm being punished, though I know he doesn't mean it. I've talked to him about it -- I remind him how long it's been. I'll even mention that I'm in the mood ... or call him at work and try to say something flirty. We come home from work and nothing ... sometimes I think it's because I'm not the best wife, i.e. my picky comments and I admit I'm not the best housewife. I could be better organized ... I'm definitely not one of those girls that does the cooking every night (he mainly does but sometimes we share) and I don't go ironing his shirts for work. That's not how our relationship has been. I work two jobs so I'm gone more hours during the week than he is. I guess I'm trying to get you to see the perspective on the other side. I guarantee if your husband knew how much he was hurting you, he'd hate it. I know I do. I may not say that to my husband, but I do hate when I'm mean. though I like the idea of going away for a weekend with marriage counseling, that might be tough depending on your guy. If he's up for that, you have a HUGE bonus as not many are open to that. If he'd be willing to do that then absolutely go for that. If that would be too much, I think you should clear an afternoon and evening. If someone could take your 4 year old for an overnight that would be perfect. Plan something that you used to do before any children - whether it's a restaurant you used to go to or whatever ... something that brings that connection back to when you first got together. The key here is to communicate what you are planning, meaning say to your husband, "I am planning something special for next week" For the dinner or activity, just enjoy each other. Avoid talking about work, bills, household stuff ... put yourself in a good frame of mind, i.e. focus on fun things - focus on things you used to do -- things you used to find fun together -- then, this one might be hard but focus on 3 things that you love about your husband (again keeping out the negative, they do have a way of creeping in). Bring up these good times, reminisce about them together. Then slip in, "oh I love how you did this or that" .... thinking if you're anything like me, that's going to be hard but force yourself to do it at least 3 times. BUT catch is, you CAN NOT follow it up with, but you don't do that anymore, or why don't you do that anymore (again, something I've learned/still do and it's counterproductive). Be the first to reach your hand out to his. I know, it might be hard especially since how you have been feeling. BUT this is a reminiscing night, you're focusing on the ONLY POSITIVE things in the past that brought you together, and the things you love about him. I'm pretty confident you can focus on 3 things to get yourself to reach your hand out and grab his. I'm not sure your reasons for not being able to have sex. If it's a health thing that you can't then of course, that is off limits. BUT if it's uncomfortable, possibly there is something else you could try, i.e. another position or "other"things to try. I think the key here for you to communicate that it feels uncomfortable BUT that you think having a physical connection is important and you are willing to be "creative" if he is willing to be patient ... let him know that you can't guarantee anything but that you'd like to try. I'm hopeful that after an evening of connecting with your husband at a basic level that you will get some "feel good" feelings and genuinely want that physical connection yourself. Again, hard part -- keep your mind focused on positive, no matter what. Reality is, you don't want a divorce ... you don't want to lose your husband when you have two children with him. You want the husband you had earlier. I believe you can get there ... but it'll take effort on your part. Relationship are all about the give and take ... right now, it might feel like you are giving a lot by doing something like this. But put that aside, because if it works, the feelings you'll receive in return will far outweigh the effort you put in. best of luck to you .......See MoreStepdaughter is Pregnant - Need Advice
Comments (9)You are smart to distance yourself from this situation that is only going to cause you pain. I would encourage your husband to not make this about you, but about his relationship with his daughter. Having said this, ask him if he would allow his daughter to treat a family friend, a teacher, or any other adult with such disrespect as she treats him. I believe that it is always our job to parent, no matter how old our kids are. If we allow our kids to behave badly, no matter how old they are, we are NOT doing our jobs. If he thinks he is going to improve his relationship with his daughter by letting her run the show, he is WRONG. She will lose respect for him as a father and as a man. We can't truly love someone we can't respect. It also sounds like there is a whole family of manipulators involved and encourage him to think whether he wants to have his grandchild see this manipulation accepted. Why does he have to wait until everyone else is gone before he comes to see her and the baby? Is he not important enough to her? And her husband should be quaking in his boots to see how his wife treats her father. He should see what the future holds for him! I have experienced a similar situation, and what is ironic is that these adult step-kids don't understand that when outsiders see their bad behavior, the step-kids are viewed in a very bad light. When they bad-mouth their parents and step-parents, they are showing how petty and shallow they are. You should consider yourself lucky to be left out of this situation. Good Luck!...See MorePart 2 - spouse's ex 45 & pregnant w/ love child
Comments (13)I agree a little with all of you. Yes this hit a nerve about the baby thing within me - - and I do think he is very male and didn't see the deeper issue with how to a woman this is a special, intimate thing that an ex should not be involved with even if it's in good fun. Maybe I take it more serious. But I do think he is still too entangled with the ex, she still hasn't learned to let up on asking his opinion about things and he still hasn't learned to set boundaries. He's gotten better but there's still a way to go. I told him how I felt about it after venting on this board and he said that he agreed with me. I told him that this baby has a father and the last thing this baby would want to find out it that his mothers ex was involved with his name! This is a biracial baby (father is black) and the mother wants to give him her last name which is Irish and I find it odd that everyone is pushing for an Irish first name as well when this baby will have many ethnicities to celebrate within his family. That's just my opinion and I am keeping to myself (and to ya'll). I know - it's not my call but it's the way I would handle it. My concern is now that she has asked about names I could very well see her asking him opinions on schools, etc in the future. My husband is very intelligent and a "leader" type so people often look to him for guidance, but in my opinion he is no longer her "pack" leader and the perks of having his opinion and advice in her life was over when the marriage was over. I explained this very point to him in the past when we argued about something else to do with her and he agreed at the time. But he doesn't realize when he's doing it! So frustrating....See MoreSD Pregnant - Retirement Plans Shot
Comments (4)Hey LouiseDawn, I can at least offer a silver lining of hope that I see in your situation. If SS is in college and SD is in grad school, there is at least some hope that they will be successful and eventually make enough money to finance their own lives. I also believe your situation will get better with time. I look back and I don't know how in the world I got through the last six years with my husband's family, but I did which is the important part. Having no prior experience at all in a step situation as step mother or step child, I was CLUELESS and felt guilt for the feelings of resentment I had and still sometimes have towards them and their father. I at least feel better to know that I am not this evil person for having these feelings anymore. That's a start. It seems that the biggest hurdles towards happiness in these situations most of the time are SDs for SMs. SSs seem to have a different relationship with their fathers that doesn't trigger that "drop everything and go be a hero" button in their fathers like SDs. I finally won the trust of my SD (I think) and she doesn't try to push my buttons anymore to create conflict. She had a bad experience before me with SM #1 so I have tried to take all that into consideration to cut her some slack and focus on the long term goal of all of us getting along. These days SD's biggest offense is using the guilt her father feels to manipulate him into openning the checkbook for her whims. All children manipulate, but steps have an easier time because they can use the guilt of their broken home life to loosen the purse strings. This has been the core of my own turmoil but has nothing to do with the purse at all. There is no reason for their father to feel guilt other than simply building a life with me, which hurts me because I have no regrets and his guilt feels like regret to me. BM left them all when the children were toddlers. There were 12 years between the time BM left and I met my husband so that breakup can't be put in my lap. He's paid for their tuition solely and provides for them to be more than comfortable. Why should he feel guilt? I FORCED him to discuss these feelings this week and it seems to be helping. He's finally recognizing that his guilt isn't all meritted here. Sometimes his children just didn't go to classes that we paid for and sometimes they told us stories that sounded good while they just did their own thing. They are in their 20's and should have some accountability in their lives. Other than walking them to class and doing their homework, I really don't see what else we could have done. He finally seems to also understand that my concerns aren't dollars and cents but the part we are playing in a pattern that insures failure in the future of our children, who just aren't prepared for the world. The biggest part of our job as parents is to prepare our children to become adults in this world (I think women get this where men don't. Men seem to want to be providers or heros.). If they aren't prepared, their growth is stunted and they lack confidence in themselves and their decisions in life. I am hoping that now he is getting past the guilt and focusing on helping to prepare them for the world (NOT dump them, just set boundaries and expectations that aren't forgotten later) we can work together to repair the damage. Is that such a terrible thing to be want for your children? I want that for my own bio son so how can that be a bad thing? I do not "know it all", but I feel like in your case, you should hang in there, support your husband and insist that you communicate on these issues together. Divided you fall, after all. Try to look at everything with honest objectivity. Yes, it is normal to have these feelings of resentment, but then take that knowledge and do something positive with it by feeling a new liberty to discuss it with your husband and grow from it. Understand that your stepkids also have their own feelings they aren't sure how to deal with. (I've found that it has helped me to read some of the few posts on here by stepkids, to understand their perspective.) We should look at what drew us to our husbands in the first place. What we loved about them from the start can't also be a reason to break us up now. In my own case, I had to offer him my trust that he would do the right thing for all of us. I just assumed he would go and make some terrible, crazy decision that would stunt all of our lives. I was asking him to trust me with his children, when I didn't trust him with his children. Again communication helps to work together. Hang in there, girl. I know you are hurting from the behavior of your stepkids right now and you are justified in that. Stepkids are notorious for behaving aggressively towards us at least in the beginning. Be the bigger person, gain their trust and when they have grown enough to hear you, explain your side to them and hear theirs. This takes time and doesn't happen overnight. My husband is a good man. He's worth the time and the strength it takes to get through it. His children are too....See Morephoggie
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