I can't believe the ones criticizing sandy for her observations. I had a friend just like what sandy has described. For some reason (being co-dependant) or other, she didn't leave him. He did just what sandy described one time. Friend and I were in her kitchen getting a meal on the table. The guys were outside and friend's husband nudged my husband and said, "Watch this." Then he proceeded to yell that he wanted an iced tea and friend was to get it for him...pronto. Well, like I say, we were busy and the guys were doing nothing. She literally almost jumped out of her skin to get him a glass of tea. I told her to tell him to come in and get it and she said, "Oh no..I couldn't do that!" My husband was livid and we never went back....but, this was just one example of what I witnessed..which I am sure is the same with sandy...just one nail in a board of nails....she was just giving an example. This friend of mine would say, "If you're going to be a door mat, you're going to get stepped on." But..she was a living example of just that. The friend is a friend...you hate to drop out of their lives because of their poor decision to live with a bum, but that's what I finally did...just dropped out. This upset her very much, but I couldn't just go on watching it...now I don't have to see it. But..maybe sandy is a better friend that I was...I think it "is" her business if she is going to remain friends with this woman...it is right that she offers help.

Just thought I would pop back in. Doesn't god hate lazy people too who refuse to help themselves or take care of their family? We went to visit both our families this weekend...about an hour away. We were supposed to eat lunch with my family today. He had wanted to stay at his mom's and I wanted to stay at my mom's (more comfy bed), so he said lets split up. We ate dinner with his mom Sat night, she offered to pay and he grabbed the check and said no we will pay. Then proceeds to hand it to me since he has no $$$. I don't know why but I paid. I should have said something. His mom knows we are having trouble - he told her we are declaring bankruptcy and I told her the business has failed. So I call him at 12 today to say I was on my way to pick him up. He says no I have to go home to work we need to leave now. I said that we already had plans and he could eat with us if he wanted or stay at his moms, and I would pick him up afterwards.. He chose to stay there and sulk. His mom pissed me off as she knew we had plans with my family and she says to me on the phone when I called to talk to him at 12...oh we are celebrating aunt so and so's birthday today at such and such place if you want to go there instead. Then we get home at 5pm and he goes to bed. He hasn't had any photoshoots in a month, so any work he might have is from over a month ago. Plus he never mentioned he needed to leave at 12 even when I spoke with him the night before. Whatever. y mom asked what was wrong, because clearly I was upset, even though I was trying to hold it all in. So against my more rational judgement I kinda told her what was going on. I really didn't know what she would say...she is pretty religous. She said, well I hope he gets it together and you don't have to get divorced, but you can't keep wasting your life and always having to push him. I was pretty suprised. I thought she might say, that its not that bad and it would be wrong to divorce. I told her I would feel like a failure for getting a divorce and she was very reassuring that isn't the case. (Note: She is divorced, but my dad beat her all the time and finally she left after 11 years - the church told her she shouldn't) I mentioned the only way he will probably find a new job is if I do his resume and send it out. She said she wouldn't do that...that he needs to do it himself and if not, then he has made his choice and I shouldn't feel bad to have him leave. Then my brother arrived at lunch and asked where my husband was since he figured he would be at lunch. I told him less. Brother is younger than me and has his own business and really likes my husband...considers him a brother. I just said he was in a bad mood, that the business wasn't going well. Brother said that he had talked to him at XMAS trying to help...suggesting sales calls, networking, inviting him to his business assoc. mtgs etc. I said he hasn't went on one sale call, sent out any direct mail, phone calls or trade shows ever in three years, doesn't call his customers back when they have complaints and has a bad rating with the better business bureau. He said, well he could turn it around, but it would require 80 hr work weeks, tons of sales calls, resolving issues etc. He said it doesn't sound like that will work. I was very calm just matter of fact with my family...not emotional, not saying I hate him etc. Just the busines isn't working and that I told him he needs to go back to work. Brother asked how much the business is making, if I didn't mind saying, which I didn't...I told him $615...he thought that was per week....I said, no that is per year. He agreed time to say goodbye to it. He did say his 1st three businesses didn't succeed, but that he doesn't have a "sugar mamma" so if he doesn't work he doesn't eat. Then went on to say its not fair to me to have live that way. Of course I asked each of them to keep this confidental. I really hadn't planned on saying anything to my family since I embarrassed about the entire thing and also because if we do reconcile I do not want them to hold a grudge, but I think the way I presented it, that will not be the case. Plus my family typically doesn't hold grudges. I didn't tell my brother I was thinking about a divorce though. Not really ready to tell everyone. Hopefully it wasn't a mistake to mention it to my mom. I delivered all the bankruptcy forms and support docs to our atty this week and we will file March 15. I found a new job that pays 10k more as my current employer eliminated by job in Dec and I have been doing data entry work for the past four weeks, so I start that in a week. It will involve some travel. Even with the increase we still qualify for the bankruptcy, thank god, because I can barely pay all the nessecary bills. Thank you all for listening to my vent...I really needed to get that out. I am willing to give it to the end of May. If he doesn't have a job by then, I am done. It makes me cry just typing that out.

Dear all, Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I know I wrote a long post, but mkroopy, I do not expect everyone would understand my position in a short post. Thank you Sylviatexas, Readinglady and Justmetoo. You have been very understanding. In explanation to my position : 1. Before I got married, my parents had warned me that is anything were to happen (Inter-racial marriages in my country had boast issues like this before) I am not to return home crying when my marriage fail. I know my parents loved me and meant well, they only warned me of what would happen and they were absolutely right. but they are now retired, I cannot bear to burden them with my issues. If I am to find money, it will be on my own responsibility. 2. Like I mentioned above, by Muslim law, a wife can only divorce her husband for several reasons. You can refer to this : "Men have the right to divorce. If a man dislikes keeping his marriage for any reason, he divorces his wife and compensates her financially by paying her what is termed mut'a payment. This is in addition to the regular financial sustenance for her living, in case she has the custody of their children. Divorce becomes in effect once the husband utters or writes down any of the legal formulae of divorce such as: �I divorce you� or �you are divorced��etc. The husband can do these either by himself or through a messenger. In case it is the woman's desire to end the marriage, the situation becomes different. Her reasons might be that she has received ill treatment, the husband is unable to sustain her financially or he is sexually impotent. She can prove these defects in front of the judge, then the judge grants her divorce with a full access to all her financial rights. Also, if the husband was good to her but she does not want to keep on for an emotional reason, then she asks for what is termed khul'. This means to be granted divorce but without any access for financial rights, plus paying back the husband the dowry that he already paid on marrying her." I have made it clear to my husband that I don't want anything from him if he divorces me, but it seems like he is smart, he knows I won't be able to find a reason to divorce but for emotional reasons. I'm sure do hope that I'm wrong; I hope he doesn't want my money, after all his late wife did leave some for him. I am just like a pawn, I am only to suffer in a position where there is nothing I can do. 3. To Justmetoo, the solution you proposed was exactly what I did. Like I mentioned above, after my parents told me to ignore her coz eventually she will leave, I did exactly that. I ignored her. I stopped whatever I did before ie.plates to the dishes, pick up your mess, ask for permission first, spend your money wisely, you don't need another concert etc, MY HUSBAND DEEMED ME UNCARING. And again I say, I had established an understanding that I am not going to do anything anymore to make it better with her, unless she starts to do so herself. This are how things are now, she doesn't need my permission for anything, and in fact even if she does ask me, it is because she was told to by her father. And even if she did, it was, "I'm going out now, Ok Annie?" or "I'm going to borrow the bathtub, OK?" or "Can you send me to my friend's house later?" I know because her father asks her to do so, she knows I was the one who made the changes in the first place, so she behaves worst. 4. About her mother's things, you are terribly right. It was definitely my fault for clearing up the things. I just couldn't bear to live in the bedroom, which is the house under he name willed to the daughter (we are moving out sometime in 2013, AT LAST =( ) with no where to put my things. I felt really not at peace living here, everywhere I look it was just her possessions and reminders of her. Like I said, my Husband seemed very ignorant about how I felt. He had in fact mentioned I didn't know her and had no rights to hate her. She cheated on him and I didn't, I still don't understand why I get treated as if I was the one who did him wrong. I hate her terribly, It was because of what she did, that my husband is bitter and refused to clear up the mess. It was his responsibility and he dutifully neglected it and left me with the bitter consequences. I was told that the daughter was not very close to the parents. In fact, with both working adults and one spending too much time with someone else, a lot of things were left to other people to be responsible for. The maid handles a lot of things and she was given all she wanted so she wouldn't whine and cause troubles to her parents. Most definitely, I read her blog and she wrote that "my mum bullies me and don't support me" and "I didn't cry when mummy died." In fact, there wasn't an issue at all, until I came in the house. God knows what did she realize, but I doubt she appreciated her mother much until she realized someone else became the new woman in the house. The only thing I can think of now, is to live like nothing happened. Ignorance is not my forte, my blood boils to see her mess and her unthoughtful attitude about eating her share of food at home. It's makes me terribly sad that my husband says I don't care for either of them. I would have to save up my money wisely, study hard and start building a better life for myself in the future. Meanwhile, I would just have to take everything thrown at me. PS : My husband has mentioned in the past the one thing he wont tolerate is cheating and that consents a divorce. I can't do that, and even if I faked it, the bad would just be reflected on me. My husband is very smart of pretending like everything is beautiful and on cloud 9 in front of people. No one would believe of his character or assume something is wrong with our marriage.

Am still reading "Bleak House' (C.Dickens) ... still enjoying it. There's just one problem -- the legal tie-ups in the story evade my comprehension. I know Jarndyce v. Jarndyce is *supposed to be* convoluted -- but even the small legal snarls in the story are tough going. . . .E.g. -- the problem between George the gym-owner and his creditor baffles me. Why is his good friend somehow tied into it? Finished "Unbroken" - Laura Hillenbrand, wrote the great "Seabisquit." It's about Louis Zamperini, a very great runner. The first chapters were really exciting. But then WWII takes over -- he's sent to the So. Pacific... lands up living on a life raft for many months-- almost dies. Is rescued and spends years under horrifying circumstances in Japanese prisoner of war camps. This book didn't take off for me after the first quarter because I kept waiting for him to perform some BIG HEROIC feat to escape, save prisoners... SOMETHING. But it's mostly about holding up under terrible, awful conditions for a very long time. While that is "grabbing" to read for awhile, it palls after a point because it's too repetitious. Another thing I didn't like were the last few chapters -- the "Bible-thumping" turn in his life; no mention at all of his sweet, long-suffering parents who were soooo proud of him -- why are they dropped from the book all of a sudden(?)... Most bothersome of all -- how can I believe that after some five years of heavy drinking, terrible nightmares, raging tantrums (against Jap. prison leader who beat him to a pulp over and over), etc., etc. - did he overcome ALL OF THESE IN ONE NIGHT -- simply by going to a tent-shaking evangelist meeting, when all the help, encouragement, psychiatric care didn't do it? I just don't believe it -- AT ALL! For light, non-fiction: "Journey to the South: A Calabrian Homecoming" Annie Hawes I just loved her first book -- "Extra Virgin" -- she and her sister leave England to do work in northern Italy grafting roses ... only to wind up buying a hillside shack (but a roomy, sturdy one!) above the Mediteranean Sea -- for less than US $3,000. [Sigh!] That shack today is worth far, far more than what she paid for it (early-90s). Anyway, this "Journey..." book is no where near as lively and fascinating as that first adventure ... But it's still fun, and has lots of goofy, or charming -- or both! -- kinds of characters.