K: My husband and I are currently in marriage counseling and we're going to soon have our fifth year anniversary--we married when I was 26 and hubby 28 (still relatively young). We also have a toddler. When I read your initial post, it was kind of like hearing my husband say the things he said to me. Of course our experience was not identical to yours, but there are similarities. We were no longer in the honeymoon phase within the first six months of marriage and every year, up until we finally started counseling, got harder and harder. I'd like to share with you one of the exercises our marriage counselor is having us go through. It requires both partners to think seriously about what their own needs are. I decided to think of my needs in terms of my marriage: what did I need from my marriage in order to be happy? The length of your list doesn't matter, and even if some of the items sound like wants, rather than needs, write them down anyway. Then each partner, if they feel comfortable, should share their list with the other. The next step is to decide whether or not you think you can meet your partner's needs. It requires honesty to get through this exercise, but it can be very enlightening. I'm still waiting for my husband to share his needs w/me, but I learned a lot about myself when I put my list together. Good luck, whatever you do please realize that you're working toward making the best choice you can.

Work with the facts mostly. That can give you a bare-bones outline of what the situation is. Work hard to avoid interpreting the motives or thoughts of the others. The only one you _really_ know potentially is yourself and your views. I think it is unusual for a parental adult to form that close a friendship with their child's (adolescent, but still minor and not legally an adult) boyfriend or girlfriend for that matter. If her mother is having deep conversations and sharing her personal views with you, that can be inappropriate and it ignores or disregards all kinds of normal/healthy social boundaries. There are many reasons a person might not act within social 'norms.' Some of these are beyond a person's control (Asperger's syndrome, or some personality orientations can result in a trait people have which causes them to not be socially adept with their peers or in a way which is 'normal'). That she does this with you may not have anything to do with personal feelings, or desires she has. Sometimes people who are in the role of 'host' or 'hostess' will insist on giving up personal beds for the use of overnight guests. That can be normal. It can also be the case that there is confusion of boundaries which extends beyond the conversations and has moved into the realm of personal feelings on her mother's part. It is impossible to say or to know because the only one who can know is her mother, and she has acted in a way which suggests she may not be clear in her own view (about normal boundaries and why they exist, and how to set them up and maintain them for everyone's benefit, etc.). About your gf, there seems to be some confusion about what she 'really' wants or what she is 'really' interested in; in terms of further exploring your shared relationship and possible physical expressions? If you want clarity you can ask her direct questions like 'I am confused when you (say what it is she does or says that is unclear to you), and I need you to tell me how you would like me to respond.' Sponteneity is a bad thing in this kind of matter. The consequences of most physical expressions can involve viral infections which are chronic (types of herpes), warts can also be transmitted inadvertently and through activities which are not viewed as 'real' intercourse. By asking her you can get a feel for whether she, or you for that matter are ready. Absently acting on feelings simply because of having them is something that can be done. Humans do have the capacity to think before acting though and it's worthwhile to do so usually. It's a benefit of eons of evolution. Asking can give you clarity about her feelings, and what she wants or thinks she wants. People who have limited or no experience in these matters (and teenagers are limited in that they haven't had much time at all to be able to develop both adult maturity and good experience) may not reasonably be able to know what they want. They may not be clear on their own feelings. A good test for whether to proceed or not is if you (and she) are supportive enough of each other that either of you can and would stop if the other (at _any_ time in the proceedings) expressed the need to stop. Being able to do that without any hard feelings or resentment is more of a test of healthy advanced adult maturity. you can get clarity about what 'further' is to her, and maintain good ongoing open communication with her P.S. You might have to be the one to set boundaries with her mother if you find that her 'closeness' feels uncomfortable in any way to you. Then you can stop the deep personal conversations or conversations about her daughter. Her daughter is your girl friend, and she is entitled (as are you) to have a personal relationship. Her mother is entitled (as are parents everywhere) to access to enough candid information that they can feel like they are able to protect their child's safety. There is a balance between these. Her mother is still responsible for her, legally. That is a serious responsibility, being responsible for someone else's health and well-being and safety. She can decide not to let her 16 year old adolescent child travel alone to see you; but it could be for any number of sound reasons and not just because of the 'relationship issues' or related fears. P.P.S. Social naivety can come across as very endearing. People who display this trait tend to be overwhelmingly candid and more or less incapable of lying. This can be very appealing and causes people who have this trait to appear relatively 'unspoiled' and 'uncomplicated.' This is worth mentioning because it sounds like her mother might display this trait (people who do often are not aware of normal social boundaries). Her daughter might have it too. If her daughter does, then she needs more parental protection than 'normal' too. People who are more socially aware and sophisticated will often exploit people who are naive in this area. Your gf might make a great longterm and life partner for you. Life is long, and a couple years (anything less than a decade really) is nothing by comparasin. Give yourselves time because life is not a race and even if it were it would _not_ favour sprinters.

colleenoz, i don't know what to say. But i kinda don't want break up before seeing what's happening. I gave him a warning and told him what i think and he said he agrees with me and he should grow a pair. But i did think what you have just said. Weak character is not a good thing for anything and he is rather weak when it comes to standing up to people. And as you said, sex with an ex is not my concern exactly, but these other things you mention and him saying he doesn't have a control when he does. And i did tell him that and as i said he answered he needs to grow a pair. And he said himself he feels exhausted and fear that he is gonna loose me and his daughter again in a period of few months. I will be honest, for someone for who i am rather sure that loves me...he is not thinking of what he is saying. Talk of 2 and a half hour is an alarm and he called me after that and told me he feels bad about he talked for so long with her. And when it old him not to give out that much of information he told me "as you said...i can't help but talk with her when she talks". That tells me he is either scared of her or didn't get over it. His ex did a lot of crap to him. They had 5 years of on-off relationship which ended up pretty badly. She broke off their engagement over text on Valentines day, she was texting him after break up to let him know she slept with someone else, and later when he would find someone else she would show up at his door to try and win him back. Later on they got a child, she accused him of domestic violence that never happened and put him 5000 pounds into debt cuz he had to go court to see his kid again. So with saying that kind of amount of bad things happen to him caused by her...you are right, he is maybe emotional about her but more in a negative way maybe. But tell me your opinion - you think he is emotionally into his ex? In what way?

"I really love this guy." We always do. Men are addictive. like drugs. The longer we're around a man, the less it matters if he's a decent person or not: the longer we're around him, the more we will accept the unacceptable & believe the unbelieveable, *& it's always disastrous for us*. Had someone walked up to you & said, "Hi, there, you seem like a nice person. I've been married twice & I have 3 children & one of my wives took out a restraining order against me. Wanna go out?" you'd have picked up your jaw off the sidewalk, laughed hysterically, & sent him on his way. & your smarter self realizes this. To think clearly, unfogged by love & all its trickery & your boyfriend & all his trickery, you need to "get clean". Call a timeout for *at least* a month. no visits, no calls, no presents, no emails, nothing. Don't go to the places you 2 went, don't stop at the fragrance counter & sniff his cologne, don't listen to "our song". The guy misled you until he figured you're so smitten that he can tell you the truth now & you'll stay with thim anyway. He's shown bad faith from the time he met you; he conned you, he fooled you, & *it never was about caring for you or loving you; it was about how he could get you to act in his best interests & against yours*. I wish you the best.